The Musical Escape

It's no secret that people use music as a way to relax. For me and many like me it can take on a whole new meaning. Music is personal. You can connect with it any way you chose. A lot of the lyrics are open to interpretation. It should be no surprise that you see a lot of people on the autism spectrum wearing headphones.

Music for me is sort of like a security blanket. I use it when I want to relax after a long day or just want to escape into my own little world. I like things that are constant. I have this one CD that I listen to when I'm working out in the basement. I just turn it on and do my thing. If I decide to change it I do so very little. Certain songs just seem to evoke feelings of euphoria and take my mind off some of the stress I put on my muscles when lifting. I think that if I can just do enough reps before or until I get to this point in the song I'll be happy with myself. Even when I played college baseball I went off on my own and didn't stick to my workout partner. (This was partly due to having to adjust some of the heights on the machines we were using because I'm short). I never needed a partner to push me into lifting more than I did the day or week before. During the winter I would work out at school and be alone most of the time. I'd bring my own CD and just go to it. If anyone I knew came in they would always wonder what I was listening to and, more importantly, why. People wonder how I can be motivated by 'Cortez the Killer' by Neil or 'No Quarter' by Zeppelin. I guess I should go buy myself an IPod. Some of the songs do pump me up like 'Trampled Underfoot' but I feeling comfortable in a relaxed state of mind is all I need to go about my business. I can see how the length of some of the songs like 'Achilles Last Stand' would maybe be too much of one thing for some people but I find the longer the more I can focus.

I realize that I don't listen to the same type of music that most of my peers, working out or otherwise. I discovered classic rock at about 13 and its been that way ever since. Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and selected songs from most of the artists of the 60s-80s plus selections of 90s musicians dominate what I listen to. My biggest love in terms of music is Neil Young, hands down. I'm not going to go into detail now about Neil but will probably end up making him a subject of a latter post; and you'll see why when that time comes. One major theme with the music that I listen to is that it is done with instruments and not sound effects made in a studio. Some newer musicians do a good job playing guitar and I'm not taking anything away from them. I respect the craft of the rappers and others; I just chose not to listen to the vast majority. There is just something different about having to play an instrument(s) each time you perform a song live instead of just singing/rapping to a beat. It creates a lot of variation and having to move with the flow.

The main theme of the songs that I like is that there is a lot going on. Many of the Zeppelin/Floyd/Neil Young songs have fast beats and/or or other sounds coming from I don't know how many instruments. This type of over-stimulation is exactly what my brain craves. What my brain is able to do it multi task, in every sense of the world. I have conversations with people without even looking at them and other oddities of that nature. I count things compulsively when I get nervous or bored. The introduction of music stops all this. My brain is so into all the sounds coming from the music that there is no way that I could possible focus on anything else. I'm too busy processing all the sounds to care much about any bad that is going on in my life. The only exception is when I'm driving. Of course I pay attention to the road but I hardly ever refrain from moving my fingers up and down the steering wheel with the beat, as it playing guitar. I even throw in a head bob every now and again for good measure. Once I get going I'm like a little kid with his Raffi tape; I don't have a care in the world because I'm in my own place that my brain has created. If you haven't discovered how music can help you relax when you've had a long day then I suggest you just push play. I may need to augment this post and add some more thoughts in the future but for now just let me know what you think.

Games with Thy self

Having such a rapidly moving mind does have its drawbacks. I get bored sometimes. I'm not listing this as OCD because I'm not sure if it is. This may seem like a form of self induced anxiety. Let me explain. One thing I do is when I first wake up. I look at the clock and see what time it is. I think to myself that something bad will happen if I don't get out of bed before the time changes to the next minute. I hop out of bed with my eyes on the clock the whole time to see if it has changed or not. If it does before I get fully out I feel a quick sense of panic. This panic dissipates when I realize that nothing bad is going to or ever had happened due to my failure to get out in time. If I do get out in time, more often than not, I feel like I won for some reason.

I also do something similar to this when watching TV. This more often happens when watching sports. As the camera pans left to right in between the pitches of a baseball game I keep my mind on a place where I think the camera has enough time to get to. I silently hope that the announcer will not butt in because this means that another pitch is about to be delivered. Just like with the clock, if the camera does pan far enough to make it to the predetermined point then I feel relief. If it doesn't, a little bit of panic sets in. I also find it annoying when the camera stops right before the point I had chosen and rests there for a second to show something, knowing the whole time that if it kept moving it would have at least reached the point and maybe gone even further. I myself have no idea why I do this and have not come across it being discussed before.

The connecting with these two things is that there is a sense of panic when I don't make it and a feeling of relief when I do. I could probably highlight a couple more examples but I'm sure you get the idea. Back before I learned that it didn't matter whether I made it or not I felt as if something bad was going to happen. As I matured I learned not to care but continue to do it to this day.

Is it possible that I do I do this out of boredom? Maybe. I'd like to hear what you have to say on this matter. There is one good side effect that comes from the whole clock thing; it gets me out of bed.

Topics to discuss

I would like some topics that you want me to talk about related to Asperger's or my thoughts on anything you would like to know, either about myself or the way I think/perceive the world. The ball is in your court.

Receiver of Memories

Have any of you out there read the book "The Giver"? I read it in middle school and it is about a kid in a fictional community and his given job is to be taught by an old man to receive people's memories. Some memories are pleasant while others are filled with pain. It is his job to store them in his mind, sort of a living library of people’s lives if you will. The reason I bring this up is because this is the way I feel most of the time. Although it can vary sometimes my memory is a very powerful thing, abnormal in every sense of the word. My inability to stop cataloging events as they happen to is both a blessing and a curse. The good and the bad, I remember it all. I sometimes get clarification of what happened, just to make sure of details, but I'm usually pretty sure of what went down. This applies to both sober and inebriated memories, many of each I had in college. I can remember something for you if you ask me to, sort of like a PDA.

My own pool of memories goes back to when I was about 2 or 3, with selected things coming earlier. I know this by asking my family about what happened and when, as research for my autobiography. I just wonder if there is a limit to how much I can recall as the years go on. Is this normal to not only remember but recall the state of mind I was in and how I perceived the world at that point in time about most of the things that happened in my life, as well as those I was a part of in terms of others I know? Some things do naturally fade, such as what I had for lunch that day or little things like that. It’s just that the more important things and a lot of random crap remains lodged in my head for what seems like eternity.

A good thing about this is that I tend to learn from my mistakes. So what do you all think. Am I a freak, or just lucky? Maybe it is a little of both.

In Plain Sight

Some of my friends are surprised to find out about me being an Aspy. I find it funny because the signs were right there in front of them. If only they had been looking for the right clues or knew they should be looking at all. True, they always could sense that there was something different about me, something they couldn't quite put their finger on; very much similar to how I felt growing up. I did a lot of things in plain sight that they might have noticed but shrugged off or didn't want to ask me about.

A lot of the times they asked me why I was so weird. I never seemed to respond the way they wanted me to. A couple of my college teammates knew because their parents told them. They kept it to themselves but didn't truly understand what it meant. They never brought it up and I never knew they had that knowledge until I told a couple of them. I thank them for their discretion. Some of them said I must be the best actor of all time to keep it hidden over my college years.

I learned a while ago the things that you can't tell people about yourself are the hardest things to keep. It is so obvious to you but they haven't a clue, and sometimes you just want them to understand. I refrained from telling people at my last job anything about it. I didn't want to deal with that. There were more than a couple moments when tell tale signs emerged and they thought it was something else that may have been on my mind. I'm sorry but there is no way they could have understood. I took enough crap while I was there and adding that would have forced me out sooner than I left.

I takes a lot out of you trying to blend in. I do a lot of things in plain sight but mostly when nobody is looking, at least I hope they're not. I just wish the world could give me more openings to be myself without looking at me odd for doing so. I don't really care what they think anymore anyway. Let them look.

The Giving Dilema

I know this isn't really related to AS but I feel that I need some input from other people here. I try to give blood every time I am able. I used to do it more frequent but since I started giving 'double reds' I do it less often. The the Red Cross told me that I was an ideal candidate and that I was the correct blood type. Instead of giving every 56 days the time to give again is upped to 112 days; due to the stress on the body, I think. Although I feel OK afterwards it is not entirely so. For at least a couple weeks my athletic stamina is pretty much gone. I did Bikram Yoga last Friday and nearly blacked out. I laid down on the floor the entire class and felt awful. The question that goes through my mind is "Do they really need my blood enough that it is worth giving and feeling like a zombie for a month?" I heard that it is better for trauma victims and that is why I began in the first place, but I wonder if my own stress is worth it. I felt so good exercising this summer that I neglected to give for fear of losing all my stamina. Exactly what I expected to happen did. So what do you think I should do?

I don't mind helping random people I may never meet, the exact intention of his blog, but is my own well being worth it? Let me know what you think.

After Giving My speech at YouthCare

On July 7th I nervously stood in front of a long table with twenty or so young adults and about eight staff members in a room in Wellesley, MA. I was there to talk about high school, college and about choosing a job that may be good for you. All the kids were like minded, meaning they had Asperger's, and there were a couple girls in the mix. I talked about this and that and answered a few key questions along the way. I related the best I could to them about what I had been through, what to look out for and what to try for themselves. I could see by the faces, not just those in the program but those running it, that I had a perspective and ideas that they might not have thought of. Out of any speech I had even given this was the most fun.

It did not feel like work and I didn't feel like ending. Did I mess up or maybe forget a couple things? Of course I did. Did I help a bunch of kids who needed a guide to show them the way, how to walk the path and maybe ease some of the anxieties and questions they may have had? You bet! In the end I looked up at the clock and realized I had been in front of the audience for an hour and fifteen minutes. Even as part of a group presentation in college I had not been up for that long, and this time I did all the speaking. In that time I think I got my message across. I talked with the woman who ran the program afterwards and I picked up that I would be able to do the same thing again next year. I told her I'd come back in a heartbeat.

I may have found my calling.

K-12 online schooling?

So today I heard a commercial for k-12 online schooling. Upon hearing it two things came to mind: This could be a good thing for kids who don't fit in (guess who) and this could ruin a child's ability to learn social interaction at a young age. I went to the website to check it out. It seems like a good concept at first but like all things there are two sides. There is a list of courses that can be signed up for and they differ from K-8 to high school.

I did see some courses that were not offered at my own high school, at least not in the depth, so that is a bonus. I looked at the fees for each course, some which did not seem that much but things tend to add up when your talking about a full schedule, and there were also fees for courses with supplemental instruction from a teacher. This seems like it could present a problem if parents had to either: ask the town to take their own kids off public schooling so that they could be taxed less and able to pay for it, and public schools running out of funding or needing more assistance from the government due to less enrollment. I am sure this is a good concept in terms of learning and was probably tested. Lets take a look at the social aspects of it.

When I went to school, we were all in a classroom with a teacher and told what to do. We would interact with one another and do presentations and have some unique lessons and go on field trips and clubs, have school wide events. Odd right? This seemed to work fine since school began back in antiquity. I'll admit that I had a tough time getting along with some kids and that I was bullied, with words only. But the key things I learned were not of facts long forgotten, they were with people. I learned how kids behave and what is right and wrong, about making friends and respecting adults (even though I sometimes didn't want to). I feel that many of the social aspects of school will be lost if things transitioned towards the online environment.

Besides baseball I never went over friends houses to hang out, except for school work, or get into the sort of trouble that is present at that age. I made that choice. I could just have easily decided against it but that is not the path I chose. I can't help thinking about what type of person I would have become if I had not met some of the great people I know from high school and Worcester Academy. I could have been forced to play dates with other kids by my parents. They would ask me and I most always said no. They may have given me no choice if I had been schooled online

Even more shocking a question is remains: Where would I have played high school baseball? Does this company have sports teams in place? How would I have gotten into college? My grades alone surely would not have been enough.

Some people I know are slaves to computers and video games. They don't interact with others as much as they could and they sit around losing their given abilities to compete physically.

So what do you think on this matter? It's clearly a double edged sword but are you really getting what you paid for? Do you even know what you're paying for? Could I be totally wrong and this is the best thing for some kids who don't ft it.

I stand by the fact that this concept is not right for everyone, even if they can afford it.

This Blog is Meant to be Interactive!!! Ask me the tough questions People!!!!!

I'm sort of wondering if the people (7 at last count) reading this blog, well, get it. I don't want to offend anyone but the lack of effort on your part to ask me personal questions is not allowing me to help anyone.

The point of the book I'm writing is to provide a character study of myself that can be reflected on people my age who have Asperger's Syndrome. I am giving you, the reader, and an open invitation to ask me anything you want both before and after it is released.

Pick a subject and I'll answer it as best I can. If you want to know how the brain of someone like me works then you have to ask. The book is going to be a portrait of who I am and once it is published I can't regret/take back anything I put in it. What am I going to do, come over to your house and take it away from you? Everything I add to my writing stems here, although I have to save some key thoughts for the book.

I'm not easily offended. I'm 24, I'm not a child, I’m an adult. Ask me what you are afraid to ask your kids or others you know with AS. Stop thinking that I'm going to attack you through the computer and go ahead and ask me whatever the hell you want.

Emotionally Reserved

Simply put, it takes a lot to get me aggravated. Everyday BS like someone cutting me off when I'm driving or people giving me heck is usually not enough to get me going. We all make mistakes when driving or take out our anger on other people for no reason. The key in dealing with other people's lack of control is not to let it bother you and never take it personally. This may seem impossible at times. I shy away from confrontation and bite my tongue in most instances. I only get annoyed if it has something to do with money. Everything else is pretty much stuff I've learned to deal with. There is no sense in getting mad when you know events like what just occurred will continue to happen.

One drawback to this emotionally reserved state I occupy is that I can seem cold much of the time. This is different than laughing at jokes, goofing around or rooting on my favorite teams. This is more like not showing visible remorse when you've hurt someone emotionally or not feeling much of anything as you watch them cry. It may not have been my fault for at all. My Mom cries every now and again right in front of me and I just sit there, stunned almost. There is obviously something bothering her, deeply, and I can understand that. I understand more than people give a person my age credit for, but still, I refrain from crying. It not that I am not trying to cry; I just can't pretend to feel for emotions that are not there; sort of like what people say when they don't love another person as the other wants them to.

I don't cry at funerals either. It's like I'm shielded from the grief that everyone around me is feeling. I do miss the person, don't get me wrong, but I feel inhuman at my own lack of emotion. It is not a comfortable feeling either. To tell the truth it makes me feel bad inside, like there is something missing inside of me.

There will be times when I will cry at a funeral, for five people in fact, only one who is not a family member. I hope those days are far off in the future.

I have cried. There have been moments when I just let it flow. The day my Dad told me he and Mom were not getting back together and leading up to and finalizing my decision to give up baseball (college) because I needed shoulder surgery and felt I wouldn't be able to compete at the high level I was used to. I will probably be playing baseball again this summer but the marriage is long over. Baseball was for seventeen ears and so was the marriage, although starting and ending at different times. I guess you could say it takes a truly life changing event to really get me to let loose.

So what do you think about this? Are you the same way? Are the people you know with AS in a similar boat? I think you should ask them. I know the way I act may not be acceptable to you, but that is just the way I am.

Societal Pressures

As a typical person of society I am supposed to follow the rules as interpreted by everyone else. I am to get a job and date while blending in. After all, society sees someone like me as 'normal' right? There is no way anyone could see into my head and know there was something 'different' inside there; something many of them have never seen before.

I can communicate with others properly and work without slowing productivity down. While I may not slow its pace down, the work in question can slow me down. All the interacting with people puts undue tension on my brain and tires me out far more than it would a neurotypical person. There is no way around this, I have tried. Taking a little 'mental nap' during my lunch period, not long enough as it is, is the only way I can refocus on the rest of the task I need to complete for the day. Much of my human interaction occurs with little eye contact. Despite this people tell me that I would be a good seller. If you have absorbed any of the last paragraphs you will understand why I tell them it wouldn't work out.

The difficulty that I have is that I am expected to work. I like money, don't get me wrong but all the clouding of the brain makes me seek out jobs that involve the least amount of human interaction possible. If I were lower on the Autism scale I don't know what the case would be in terms of me working a 'regular job'.

As for dating, that just hasn't worked itself out either. There are many blocks that I have to get over in that area. You think I would have figured I out by now; so have I. Shyness is not easy to get over now matter how lonely a person gets. An inability to misread body language and social cues makes it even more fun. I try and fit in but it’s hard sometimes. For the most part I don't know if women are smiling just to be nice or if it’s something more. I'm not daring enough to pay the price to find out. People try to stay out of awkward situations as much as possible. My life is an awkward situation. Feel free to jump inside my head, take a look around, feel what I feel, and see what I see, perceive as I do and then jump back out and tell me it was easy.

I am expected to do what everyone else does. I know what everyone wants me to do. I just have not reached that point yet.

OCD

Many people, to a certain degree, have a little bit of OCD. Whether it be checking something a couple times or a habit you do a few times in a row and wonder just why you do it. To me, OCD can be anything you do that you feel is brought on by a force you cannot fully control. This may sound odd, but bare with me. My main OCD habit is counting compulsively. I can control my brain for the most part but counting is something I have a hard time dealing with. I feel compelled to count and I think I know why. My brain works very fast and I am good at multi-tasking. When my brain is under stimulated it compensates by doing more.

A good example of this is watching my old teammates play baseball at UMass Lowell. Unlike a game on TV there is a lot less going on in terms of announcers and commercials, less background noise. This causes my "counters" to kick in. I count the players on the field in groups of three with the catcher, 3rd base and left fielder, the pitcher, shortstop and center fielder and 1st base, 2nd base and left field comprising the groups, respectively. This would be ok if I didn't do it 30-50 times per game. When I can't stop counting I feel like I have a real problem. I don't feel mentally stable anymore. I feel like someone about to snap. I love watching the games, but the downtime for my brain is what sends it into a counting frenzy. Just like having AS, you wouldn't know I counted just by looking at me. This is only a simple example and there are many more annyoying OCD habits that I do, but you get the jist of it.

Counting for me is a burden. My Mom said she used to count and it ended in her mid twenties. Her history will not have any affect on me because I was adopted. I want it to stop. People always tell me to try and make a game out of it. That does not work, I am sorry to say. Even if it did it would still be a game I don't want to play. I feel that I can relate with people who have addictions with either alcohol or drugs (cigarettes and the like) because my brain is telling me to do a task I do not want. If I try to stop it just starts over again. The only thing that does prevent my from counting is keeping my brain busy. I wish they made an anti-counting patch. At least with cigarettes you have an aid to try and kick the habit. This whole comparison may seem like an overstatement but I feel very strongly about it.

I'd like to know if this is a common thing among people with AS due to the fact that many of us have highly active brains. I ask the people reading this to ask their children or people they know with AS what they feel. Hopefully we can see if a trend is present and try and help one another.

YouthCare Speech

So either July 6th or 8th I am scheduled to give a presentation on Asperger's and the transition from high school to college and eventually working. Having just finished college they thought that I would be a good candidate to talk and answer the questions of the young adults in the program. I am planning on possibly what size school to choose and whatnot. The change from a set schedule to one that has time flexibility in between classes will be covered. I don't want to sound rigid to these kids or to scare them either. I'm under the impression that some of them don't make friends easily (although I will ask them each their own situation) and may need help pulling the change off as smooth as possible. I don't want them to get there and be blown away and drop out. I'm going to try and tell it how it is. The major difference I think between me and them is probably going to be that I played baseball in college and went out with the team on a regular basis. The social scene in college is a far different animal then high school, both in and out of the classroom. Even the shyest people have opportunities to make friends. As far as working goes I am going to advise them to find a job that they can handle and comfortable for them to do. People don't realize that some jobs are not a good fit for people with AS, such as selling face to face. This can create awkward situations on a daily basis, something wee just don't need more of. Growing up and people not sensing what you face on a daily basis is frustrating and is the main reason I chose to write my book in the first place. I'm sure I will cover all the idiosyncrasies that go along with the transitions in questions but, just to make sure I cover everything, I would like a little advice as to what I should cover. I have to fill 60-90 minutes as well as a Q&A, the latter being the easiest part, so if you guys wouldn't mind giving me some suggestions I'd be grateful. This is my first time speaking and it will not be my last. They are also paying me. Also if you have any questions regarding this or anything else I'd be glad to answer them. I can't stress this enough. I'm going to have to answer all the tough questions when my book comes out anyways so why prolong the process? Use your imagination, I'm sure you can think of something you'd like to ask me. After all, that's what I'm here for. If you can think of any subject you'd like me to address on this blog then be sure to let me know. Ask me the questions you're afraid to ask your kids.

New Blog Posts Coming Soon

I will have new posts coming up soon. I have beeen working a job and it has taken away from this blog and writing my book. I have also been booked by Youthcare, a program run by Mass General Hospital (http://www2.massgeneral.org/youthcare/) to give a speech, on my own, for 60-90 mintues and to answer the questions of early/late teens with Asperger's syndrome. This will take place in early July. I look forward to your continued interest in my blog and if there are any questions you would like me to answer in the mean time then please let me know.

Poker: Practice with People

At about seventeen I stumbled upon the game of poker. I had always been a fan of card games but Texas Holdem was a different animal. The strategy differed so much from any game that I had seen or played. It was also fascinating to watch on TV. I remember playing it for the first time and not having a clue what to do. It took a while but I got better. Even though I play for money in casinos there is the people element of the game that is still very important to me.

My Dad and I go up to Rockingham Park every other weekend or so and play in the tournaments up there. He buys me in and any money that we win is split. I don't know who realized it first but poker for me has become a way for me to understand and gauge people better. It is sort of tough to put into words. Not only am I around and socializing with people but in trying to figure out how they play the game I learn to what some of their signals mean. Some people do something when they bluff or have a good hand. If I can translate this into everyday situations (i.e. know what certain mannerisms of that person mean) then I can better get a feel for those around me. Poker, for me, acts as practice with people.

You would think that since people with AS are notoriously challenged with reading body language that I would be a sitting duck. That was the case at the beginning. Every time someone would ‘act tough’ my brain would take that as a fight or flight reaction and I would panic and fold my hand. I mean I knew about bluffing but the defense systems in my brain would override my knowledge of the game. By playing more poker I have decreased the anxiety I feel in that particular setting. I don't have a lot of people anxiety anymore, other than around women, but the money element of the game adds a little pressure.

When I got to Foxwoods I tend to play a limit Omaha 8 or Better game and then No limit Holdem. After playing Omaha for a few hours I was nervous at the beginning of the holdem game. It took me a couple hours to really get comfortable. Now I am more in tune and comfortable with what is going on and I feel much calmer. This may have been because I switched from a limit game, where you can only bet some of your chips, to a no limit game, where you can bet it all at anytime. The limits may have affected how I played at first but I can't be certain. Either way I am far comfortable at both games now.

Over the hours you tend to chat a little with the others at the table. The Omaha game I play in is ripe with an older crowd who don't mind calling even when they have a low percentage of winning and can also be bluffed at certain times. There is much more variability at the holdem game. I have to read people better and catalog there tendencies much better. When your whole stack is at stake you tend to make better choices. One thing playing poker has done for me is tempered my brain a little (if there is such a thing).

Normally at parties I am interacting and reading so many peoples body language that I have to take a break every so often. With poker I can go much longer with needing a break. The level of mental tiredness is felt less when at the poker table. I tend to play, both games combined, about 17 hours with about an hour break total for lunch and dinner. Dad does not mind staking me (supplying money) for this because he knows it will ultimately help me. I usually go to Foxwoods with $300 and play in the Omaha game and build up the bankroll before Holdem. This warms up my brain for the kind of thinking that will be done. I am assuming that as I get more accustomed to it I will be able to play holdem right off the bat. Then again I didn't drive two hours to go broke in twenty minutes.

This weekend I will be going to Foxwoods. I don't have any plans for Valentines Day (typical) so I will be taking a drive down by myself. I plan for it to be a lost weekend. Time will move on but I will cease to notice. I tried to get a room but they were all booked except for the expensive rooms. Even the motels nearby were booked/pricey. I'll only get a room if I win big. I'm going down on Friday and plan on staying to late Saturday early Sunday if things go well. I'll take a nap somewhere if I have to. You’d be surprised what your body can do when you need it to.

There are a few goals when I go on these trips alone. Self reflection/thinking about the book I'm writing, winning money and, of course, the adventure. I've met some characters there and had some fun experiences. On the way down I do not have the radio on and I can work through some of my problems on the way there and on the drive back. All the events are going to make for a fun chapter. Wish me luck!

"Communications Breakdown"

When I talk to someone I sort of try run the show. Not on purpose, though. I'll get going sometimes on something I'm saying and the person will lose interest. I keep going, unaware that they don't care as much about what I am saying as I am. This is known as a one sided conversation and I am a master at it, for better or worse.

It took me a while to realize that I did this. My mom had to tell me. Her saying something did not cure the problem, just brought it more to my attention. I'm a little better at picking up on a persons lack of interest, but I still could use some work. One thing that does not help in people understanding me is the rate at which I speak. It is very fast.

At first I thought that it was because I was pre-programmed for Spanish. I thought that for a long time. I realized that my brain was wired for speed and multi-tasking and the less time I spend on one thing the more I will have for another. It also does not help that I mumble and talk under my breath, the first being far more prevalent than the latter. Thoughts just seem to flow out of my mind at an alarming rate. If I were an animal I would probably be a squirrel who sat up in a tree jabbering away at anyone unlucky enough to come by. Sometimes I have interesting things to say, sometimes...

As I already explained with sarcasm there may be things that people say to me that I don't pick up right away. Have patience, its not like I'm trying to misunderstand you. Just give me a second to think things through. If I didn't care I would have already walked away.

Reading body language is something I'm starting to get better at. Like anything else it takes time. I know it comes naturally to You. As for me I have to work at it continually. As you have probably already guessed it took me a few times around to decipher what the mime was actually doing. After all it's not polite to ask questions during a silent performance.

Body language is fun to learn because you learn more about the people you are around and how they communicate. Each individual has a style all his own. The way that I connect body language with people is just like solving any other puzzle; I look at the whole situation and make sure all the pieces fit together before moving on. I have to look at the entire face and put weights each part of its expression. The entire eye area is my main focus, then the lips and cheeks. Hidden information though, can be anywhere so I keep alert for hand position/gestures.

If someone was to give me a sharp glance down or to either side I know that it means someone who could be listening or the person we are discussing could be about, and to shut up. You'd be surprised to see how long it can take someone to learn this. Of course, there are things that I learned naturally that you could never learn. I was given some gifts.

Other than learning and deciphering basic body language the old fashioned way there is a fun way to accelerate how you can read people. It can either be profitable or costly, it all depends how good you are. I'm talking about playing poker.

Sarcasm is a One Way Street

The concept of sarcasm took me a while to understand. It was a part of language that I had not been on top of from an early age. I can recall someone saying something to me and then doing what they asked and them yelling at me for it. I did not pick up the most important part of what they were saying until I got older.

The tone of voice they used, very different from the way they said most everything else, was not something I could distinguish right away. It took a lot of me feeling stupid to figure it out. I still have to think about the message people are trying to get across and whether it makes sense in the context they are using it. That is the only way I can pick up sarcasm; by thinking about it, and sometimes it takes a little longer than they would like.

I myself am able to use sarcasm pretty well, but understanding it is a different matter. The subtlety is what plagues me. All those little nuances have to be interpreted by my brain and that takes a toll on me. You could call sarcasm a one way street for most people on the Autism spectrum. As far as reading between the lines goes, I'm at about the point that I was with sarcasm early on. Some skills, that other people take for granted, have to be learned over time by people like me. It should be easily understandable that I prefer people who use the least amount of sarcasm possible, or sometimes no one at all.

Questions or comments?

The Face/Memory Thing: Call it whatever you want to

Note: This post may need a lot of explaining to take place. Any claims I make can be substantiated. This is something I have been able to do for a long time. I did not entirely trust it in the beginning, although I wanted to. I do now. If I only happened to be right a couple times then it would have been dismissed as coincidence. I don't really know how my brain does it and I may never figure it out completely. I do have a theory but I am saving it for my book. That still does not make it any less of an oddity. On with the show!

Just like Bender said in "The Breakfast Club" everyone has a special talent, everyone can do something. I can do a whole lot of things with my brain concerning memory, but nothing is as unique as what I am able to do with people and their faces.

It all began when I was watching a movie with my dad. We were watching an older movie and I said to him something like "Hey isn't that insert actor name here?" He told me that I must be mistaken. I told him that I felt pretty strongly that it was who I thought it was. He disagreed with me. Wanting to prove him wrong I went over to the computer and looked on IMDB to see if I was correct. I was. He had to come over and see for himself. He was shocked. He asked me how I knew. I told him I couldn't really explain it to him, but I just knew, deep down in my gut, I just knew. This would happen a few more times. We began to put money on it. He always lost. This built up my confidence a lot.

I mean let’s look at the facts here. The movie in question was made before I was alive. I have very little motivation to look up every actor who is still around and see what they looked like 20-30 years ago. He, on the other hand, had been alive and had possibly seen other movies that the actor in question had been in since the movie in question. How could he not have recognized him? After thinking about this for a while I came to the conclusion that some mechanism deep in my subconscious is able to add and subtract age to faces, even if I have never seen what the person looked like when they were younger. This is done with astounding accuracy.

The only way I can try to relate this is with an example involving kittens (good choice, right?) Say that you just brought home a nice fluffy kitten from the shelter. I’m not saying this works for me on animals, so just bear with me. Owning the kitten you see it almost every day. The little fluffer is there pawing you in the face when it is time to wake up, cuddling with you as get ready for bed and every moment you are home in between. You have a friend who comes over to see your new kitty when it is only a couple weeks old. The friend then returns a couple weeks later and remarks at how big it has gotten. You don't really notice the change because you have been observing it grow each day and each small amount does not register in your mind. You do agree that it has in fact grown. Unless you have way too much time on your hands you do not take pictures every week of your kitty's progress. If you had been then you would definitely notice the changes. It just took someone else to point out what should have been obvious. The kitten you have been raising the last few months is now a cat.

My brain acts as the person who owns the kitten and mentally tracks the growth of the kitten every day, without realizing it. My brain also is the friend who notices that the kitten has grown up and become a cat. It is the friend who knows this by comparing what the kitten looked like before to what it looks like now. The friend was simply not around enough to see the slow progression but it knows the same animal is in front of it. This may seem simple but it is very complex when taken to the level my brain does.

I will not call it a photographic memory because that would mean knowing every single line of a persons face and being able to describe that person accurately for some sketch artists to draw. This memory for me only applies, with superb accuracy, to faces. I can see people that I have not seen for a very long time, the longest was about ten years but I was only six at the time, and instantly recognize who I am looking at as someone I know. I may not always remember names but the face will never lie to me. I also remember the things that we used to talk about and the circumstances of our interaction. I get a lot of blank faces when describing to people events they partook in years past.

This has also turned into a game for me and others around me when we're sitting around bored at parties. I can pick someone out in the room and compare them to someone that I have, usually a celebrity, in my "Database of Faces" and voice my opinion as to who comes up. If we're lucky than there is more than one person and the game can continue. It is best not to disagree with me here; you are going to be wrong. I typically get a reaction of "Oh my gosh! You're right! It does look just like so and so". It’s funny to see their faces at my revelation.

I have been told by people that I should work for the FBI or casino security. The facial recognition software that is now in place keeps me from doing so. If only I was born forty years earlier...

I think that the way it works it that my brain takes a face and, subconsciously, puts it into the memory bank. I think though, that this only really works when I have some type of interaction with the person in question, some sort of quick memorable event or a combination of the two. When the person is again interacted with my brain compares the memory inside to what they looked like before. I will always know if you have gotten a hair cut, even if I have not seen you in two weeks and you got it the day after I saw you last (giving it time to grow back). My brain just tells me there is something different and that thought is put outward by my mouth.

I don't know how to explain it better than that. So is my memory photographic like people tell me or not? Could it be what I usually call it; "Facial Photographic"? Is there even such a thing in existence? Whatever it is I feel that it can't possibly be a common thing because I don't know of a lot of people that can do it. The freakish part is that it is only one system in the confines of my brain that works different than yours. Trust me, there are more. I know I probably left some things out, but that is the great thing about these blogs; you can edit them!

As always, let me know what you think.

"The Blank Stare"

One thing that I do have very much in common with someone who is fully autistic is the blank stare. This face is void of any emotion, the perfect poker face. I was watching "Rain man" again recently and I realized that this is the trait I most openly express. It is not always an intense stare but rather a blank one. Viewing it you would feel that there couldn't possibly be anything going on behind it. You almost want to wave your hand in front of the persons face to see if they're alive. Contrary to what you may believe there is a lot going on inside the persons head.

The stare itself, at least for me, is sort of my natural face and it does have a tendency to intensify when I want to be left alone. I feel like I am not really looking at anything, just staring at nothing as I think. Think of it as an open eyed meditation. I almost become cross eyed as I concentrate so hard on what I am thinking about. Even if I seem zoned out I am completely cognisant of everything going on around me. It acts as sort of a mental break for me when I am around people. I usually do it in a crowded situation. Before my yoga class starts I often look at myself blankly in the large mirror as I sit on my mat. As conversation goes on around me I take each one in and transfer my attention to many around the room in rapid succession. It may be eavesdropping but most people are saying things they don't mind you hearing anyways.

More recently I came upon some sort of reason why I might, as well as others, exhibit this face. There should be no surprise I do this in public. Much of the time I want to be left alone. This face is uninviting. It makes sure I am left alone. If people don't understand then that is too bad. People like me don't often feel comfortable in most public settings. I admit that I am more flexible than most. This goes back to the brain activity I touched on in a previous post. Being around people for prolonged periods of time tires my brain. Besides mentally resting for a few minutes, I have found no other way to counteract the temporary effects that human interaction has. The face and stare are one of my natural defenses. If you can read body language at all then you would be apt to stay away from someone who has an almost 'I'm a psycho-killer' look. If you are feeling this then my ploy has worked.

People I know that are reading this please take note as I am telling you now. I know that you and I are friends. I'll come over and talk to you when I'm ready. You would be better off if you did not try to interact with me when I am in zombie mode. I will acknowledge you initially when I enter the room but please remember this: If I don't come over right away, neither should you.

As always questions and comments are welcome on this subject or any other.

An Aspy Athlete?

It's an oddity when Asperger's and sports are mentioned in the same sentence. There is a certain thing, I forget what it’s called, bit it makes people like me uncoordinated. I think my body missed that memo, to a certain point at least. There are a couple of sports that I still cannot play. Basketball and football are two of them. I am very awkward at both of them. I think I still throw a football like a baseball. I was always short so I did not even consider basketball. If you have seen me run near then end, as I get tired, I look like Carleton Banks, from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, when he dances. It is sheer awkwardness. Athletic movements can be learned by people with AS, it just takes longer.

The first thing I did pick up was golf. My all around game was really good and peaked at around 8 years old. I shot a either a 42 or 46 for nine holes on a local golf course. I can remember one time when I was on the golf course with my Dad and his friends and the Big Bertha just came out. Some guy came up in a golf cart and said to my Dad "Hey, he can't be here, get him off the course" My Dad replied "He's one of the best young golfers in the state". After that was said, Dad handed me the driver and I hit it 125 yards down the middle of the fairway. The guy shook his head as he drove away.

I did not always have a natural golf swing. I had to practice a lot as a kid. I was obsessed with it actually. I'd hit a little plastic ball around the entire neighborhood for hours. It was a closed off street so no one bothered me. I truly believe that the extreme ability to focus/practice is one thing that made me good at the sports I chose to play. This ability is a main trait of Asperger's, to focus on a few main things, intensely. Even after my shoulder surgery I can still crush a golf ball. This summer I was at the driving range with my Dad and brother and the first swing of the driver went way over the net and into the woods, the fence being 250 yards away. I can probably hit it 275 but I want 300. Some things are like riding a bike.

My other love is baseball. I was always, still am, the smallest out there. I can't hit much but pitching is a different story. People think I was a side-armer but I have a picture that shows me coming over the top taken when I was 12. There view on my delivery may have been because I was so low to the ground. The camera does not lie. Even in high school other teams/coaches thought I was the bat boy or mascot. I lived to prove them wrong. The good thing about the mound is that it adds to my 5'5'' height. It also does this for everyone else. Up until my injury I was a consistent 85-88mph with a hammer of a curveball and a very good change-up.

One important factor in the development of my velocity of the years is that I got a pitching coach at age fourteen. He taught me how to throw overhand and add fluidity to my motion, preventing injury for a long time. To compete with much larger athletes I had to give myself an edge. Thank you, Joe Louis for all of your help. It did not come over night, though, and just like golf it took many hours and lessons. I was worth it and is why I was able to go to Umass Lowell.

Seeing me in action is a very odd sight. People were always astounded at the way I threw. Even my college pitching coach was in awe. If my shoulder healed correctly, I've waited long enough and did all my rehab, there is no reason I should not be able to hit 90mph. It was always my goal for a long time and with a much stronger body I think I could do it.

There may be a chance at hitting 90. My freshman year of college the trainer was examining my arm and he noticed that my elbow looked a little odd. He asked me if I ever had any pain in that area and I told me him "No". He seemed curious to play with the tendon and proclaimed that it was about 3 times larger than normal. It is this exact tendon that is wrapped around the elbow and provides the "whip" for pitchers. Tommy John surgery replaces this worn tendon when it tears. Since my elbow is fine and my shoulder and entire body feel better than ever I may have a shot at throwing harder than before. It would seem logical right?

The mound itself is a very lonely place. I'm used to that. I can do whatever I want out there. I can actually enjoy making people look bad and not have remorse. My goal out there was always to mentally rape (for lack of a better term) hitters. It played hard out there and I did not like to give up runs. I considered them scoring on me an insult. I had no fear and brushing people back or hitting someone, if it was called for. I was never an imposing figure on the mound and had to protect MY plate by any means necessary.

One of the best things that have to be said about sport is that you meet people. For someone initially very shy as myself it helped me to meet others. College would have been very lonely if I had not been an athlete. If someone with AS is able to they should partake in athletics. It would be very foolish not to do so. Social networking is hugely augmented when you know people that can help you out. Many of the opportunities and experiences I have had are from people I met competing. I would not give those moments in life up for anything, anything.

Any comments/thoughts on this matter would be appreciated.

Alcohol and the Brain

Like most kids in college I engaged in the pastime of drinking alcohol. I did not drink until I got to college. This was because I never went out in high school (once at Worcester Academy). The only prior time I had a sip of anything was on New Year's Eve. I found out in college you are expected to drink. Being on the baseball team I was expected to join in. My whole thing with drinking was not that I did not want to mess up my future before I got there. To be honest I saw what my brother was up to and did not want any part of it. I waited until my brain was mature enough to handle it, I guess. It also didn't slip my mind that girls attend parties. That was a bonus.

It is normal that people lose many inhibitions when drunk. Parts of the brain stop thinking and they forget what they are doing. I don't know much about this other than what people have told me. For me, being under the influence of alcohol has similar, yet different effects. My motor skills go down the tubes like everyone else but my mind, mainly the memory part, stays intact. I sort of realized this from my own experiences adn upon reading a ladies story that she could drink massive amounts of alcohol and not "blackout" helped put it all together. It was then I realized that my mind wants to hold the ability to be as in control as possible that it will not shut certain parts down even under heavy assault. This may seem like a joke. I assure you it is not.

In any day to day activity I like to be in control and when things take a dramatic turn south my mind starts to race a little and anxiety sets in. If I were experience a "blacking out" of consciousness of drinking I do not know what would happen. Not to brag but I think my personal 'record' is 15-17 drinks in a night. This would seem more normal if I wasn't 5'5'' 170lbs. Other than the memory ability I guess I have a really high tolerance. Even after that much I still remembered the conversations I had with people and where I was that night. I routinely tell others who have had too much what they were up to. Some things I have seen I have had to look the other way on.

You would think that by the way I am talking that I drink all the time. I don't. I don't even have a beer with dinner out with my parents. My goal was not to be an alcoholic. I don't have any aches or pains when I don't drink for a while. I went nearly all of this last summer without drinking. I did drink my last semester of school but since New Year's I've drank once. Even my hangovers are not normal. I usually wake up at 8-9am and feel reasonable. I'm not saying I'm going to go run a marathon. Everyone else is still asleep for a few more hours. The thing about my hangovers that may be typical (not sure because I have not researched it yet) is that I feel like doing nothing the whole day. Sort of a lingering depression if you will. That is really the only price I have to pay.

It might be that I have better self control than others. I don't ask people's drink count for the night. It could be more than my own, but I don't think I'll ask. I was thinking of setting up an experiment for myself, in a controlled environment of course. It would involved me, a bottle of whatever I chose to drink, a camera and some witnesses. I may also need a breathalyzer if I could get my hands on one. The goal of this test is to see how much I can handle before I either, blackout, vomit, or need medical help. I would also like to engage in several conversations throughout the evening to see how much I could recall the next day. This would be something that could get interesting.

Since I don't have a death wish this should not be happening anytime soon. That does not change the fact of how well I am able to control myself with alcohol and why. This has always been on my mind. So is this a way of life for anyone else out there who does not have AS? I really can't count on a lot of people who do because many have not been out with large crowds in a college party setting. Being around many people does tire my brain, as I mentioned in my previous post, but seeing them act like fools and having the ability to remember it makes it all worthwhile. I leave the camera work to other people while I roll my own version of priceless film.

Tiring of the Brain by Social Interaction

Throughout the course of my day there are certain situations that can interfere with my own ability to comprehend certain things. One thing that does a lot in terms of making my brain tired is heavy interaction with people.

Looking back I noticed that in middle and high school I took a nap after each day. I think it became more of a pattern than anything else. Even when I was in college until a couple months ago, I would still take these naps. I found myself wondering why. The thing I figured out is that interaction with others is taxing for my brain. There are many things that must be interpreted when dealing with people. You have to take into account their body language, spoken language and pick up all of the nuances that go along with their communication towards you. For neurotypicals this is easy enough most of the time.

For Aspies this amount of input gets too much and the brain, at least mine, feels that it needs a break. The body itself is fine but mental exhaustion can hinder the way people act towards others after a prolonged period of time. I myself become a zombie and am unable to partake in critical thinking or meaningful conversation. I have since realized that I do not need a nap per say, just a break from human interaction, a time out if you will, where I am alone for about 15 minutes or so. This time alone works wonders for me. This may be why people like me prefer to be alone much of the time, but have not figured out why for themselves.

The way I like to explain this phenomenon to people is to relate it to being in a group and studying for a test. Everyone in the study group is sitting around and throwing their best ideas on how to remember the material. As the night drags on people start to get the hang of it as their brains fill with a vast amount of information. There does come a point in time, and this almost always happens, that people give up and feel that they can no longer cram anything else in their heads. The group begins to show its signs of fatigue, minds wander and people lose interest and decide to call it a night. They know they should study more but they just can't. The only thing left to do is sleep and hope that they can remember everything for the next day. The same type of feeling is also after a long hard test, say the one being studied for next day. After finishing the test your brain is fried. This is the way I feel when I have to interact with a lot of people for extended periods.

You may notice that someone you know with AS also exhibit these same characteristics. They may also not know how to deal with or even recognize what they are feeling and how to cope with it. Through trial and error they will find a way they can manage. What works for one person may not for another but you won't know until you try. This took me quite a time to figure out as to why I had to nap/take a break. Luckily I did so in college. When I went out until 2-3 am at a party, people would wonder where I went for 15 minutes. This is my explanation as to why.

As always, if you would like to know more on this subject or any other, feel free to ask away.

Introduction

Welcome to the "Ask an Aspy" blog! This blog is about my life with Asperger's Syndrome up to this point. I am 24 years old and have just graduated college. The reason it took me so long is because I did a post graduate year at a prep school after high school and then graduated a semester late. My September birthday didn't help. My back story is different than most peoples. I was adopted from Colombia by white parents who also adopted two others kids before me. Growing up I never noticed my race until they told me about my past. It came as a shock but I consider myself very lucky. I am definite proof that environment can make people who they are. I was like any other typical kid growing up, just with some slight variations. I did not do some of the things that kids my age were doing, even what some adults did. I always thought of myself as different but could not put a finger on why. A diagnosis at 16 set the facts straight. I did not, however, look far into what having AS meant until 23. This was a mixed blessing in terms of my experiences. When I told my friends about AS they were dumbfounded that I had it all along. They tell me that I had hit it well. I told them that they were not looking hard enough. I get this a lot from people I know. But enough about me.

Let me put one thing out in the open: I am not your typical person with this condition. I am sort of like the missing link between people with AS and neurotypicals (everyone else). In the AS groups that I have been apart of I was the leader. I acted like the mediator between the rest of the group and the teachers/researchers that were observing us at the time. Most of the other people like me I've dealt with have had trouble putting their thoughts into words. I try to help clarify what they mean. You will never figure out how the brain of someone like me works until you explore it in depth. There is a distinction between knowing the path and walking it. I walk it every day.

This blog is dedicated to what people would like to know in regards to AS. Even though a lot of research has been done recently there is still a lot of unexplored territory. Since I am open about my life an experiences (halfway done writing an autobiography, just need a publisher) I have decided to answer any questions that people may have about what people like me are thinking. I have learned so much about myself in the last few months and can answer many questions I used to have. It did not come easy and required many hours of self reflection. Many people like me are not able to open up an express what they are feeling and I feel it’s my job to fill that void. Orally I am not understandable while I shine when it comes to writing and conveying my thoughts that way.

I will do my best to stay away from any clinical explanations and only focus on actual advice that people can learn from and use. I hate it when people categorize me and tell me what I am feeling or what I am capable of. I will try my best not to do that to anyone else. Instead, I will relate your questions as they pertain to my own experiences. From my accounts you should be able to gather sufficient information to determine what the loved one in question is thinking /feeling when in a similar situation.

In this blog you can ask me anything and I will try and give the best response that I can. What I come up with may be humorous to you, both because I'm funny and the way that I think. Mine is truly a different perspective. I will also be posting snippets of my life (and maybe my book) so that readers can better understand who they are dealing with and what the people they love are going through, should our experiences be similar.

My goal with this blog is to bolster knowledge that is associated with Asperger's and allow families who have children with AS to talk about any concerns they have, both with me and one another. By interacting we can grow together. I am a real person and I intend to give real answers that are going to help. So if you have any questions for me, please feel free to ask them. My memory seems to go on forever so you can enjoy asking things that cover a broad range of ages/topics.