'Tis the Season to be Busy

So as some of you know I am a professional goldsmith. The last month or so I have been very busy with various projects in the workshop, making my mother a ring from scratch and the usual travelling around trying to find hidden treasures. I have also been going into Boston a lot for supplies at, where else, the Jewelers Building. I always try to enjoy myself there because I love that place but when its about business I have to keep it close to the vest. I have kept my stress at bay by doing a lot of Bikram yoga and eating heartier meals. November and December are crunch time in the life of people who make jewelry. I have been lucky to have a lot more business than I had last year. I still have some nice merchandise in stock and one more engagement ring I have to make and set the stone. This project is in platinum, once again, and I have to make a flower petal design on a head where the diamond will sit. It should be a little challenging, but after what I made for mom it should be a walk in the park. Since the stone setting is very open I'm going to use a graver, not a bur in the flexible shaft machine, to set the stone. This will take a little longer but it will be safer in custom fitting a seat for the profile of the stone. I feel like I'm in a good place right now but I don't settle when it comes to progress in my career. I'm still trying to open a storefront with a business acquaintance of mine, but I'll let you know when that is actually going to happen. So for now I will wish you all the best during the holidays and a happy new year!   

The Personal & Physical Traits of Aspergers Part 5: Can spend hours in the library researching, loves learning and information

   Like most people, I have a thirst for knowledge. For me it depends on the subject. I will either know all about it or nothing at all. While I don't go to the library, I do watch a lot of shows on the History, Travel and Discovery channels. I really enjoy learning about where things came from and how they got to the current level they are at now. Nature documentaries of all types and shows like Modern Marvels, Brain Games, Biography, Inside the Actors Studio, Man vs. Food, American Eats and especially Gem Hunt (which came out at a good time for me given my profession) crowd my DVR; even Buzzfeed can be a huge time-suck. I watch a lot of food/food history shows and if you're ever traveling be sure to ask me where to go, I'll always steer you in the right direction. I actually watch these shows more than once in most cases, but always while I'm eating to avoid having to get in my car and find the nearest substitute. It is a huge thrill for me to visit these places, believe it or not, and I go for the experience even if the food isn't all its cracked up to be.
  I really don't know what it is that makes learning exciting. I mean most people seem like they want to get out of school as fast as possible to avoid it (or maybe its the making money aspect that happens afterward) but for me I enjoyed at least some of it. The history electives I took fascinated me as well as padded my GPA. So how does  all this babble connect to my blog?
  Being someone who chooses to isolate himself in most cases leaves me with a lot of time to kill. I could either sit around and stare at the ceiling or watch/read something that I can perhaps use. I think that being alone most of the time gave me enough time to want to do something constructive, something that didn't strain me like being around people did. I am full of random facts but every time I watch Jeopardy and don't know some answers I feel like I want to know more. It should be noted that the answers in question are subjects I don't have any interest in, so hopefully I get a pass on those. Even if you knowing something isn't true you can make it sound like it is. Now I'm no good at lying to people, ask anyone that knows me they'll tell you the same, but if you throw some random facts around that may stretch the truth you can get people to believe you. I recently told one of the girls working at a local restaurant not to put the steaming hot pasta dish into the thin plastic container because it would release BPA into the food, thus contaminating it. She looked at me with startled eye for a couple of painfully hilarious seconds before I told her I was just joking and it was fine. She said "Really?" in a tone that even I knew meant "Are you sure" not "You're a complete tool". I know this because my mom uses the latter often. I guess I can lie, I just have to believe it to be true, even when its not. 

The Personal & Physical Traits of Aspergers Part 4: Strong sensitivity to sound, touch, taste, sight, and smell (e.g. fabrics—won’t wear certain things, fluorescent lights)

I don't really  know where to begin with this one as I am sort of all over the map here. This might be a long post and hopefully it will all be meaningful. I guess this time I'll start with a real problem area instead of one of my strengths, and that would be scent sensitivity.

Ever since I was little I have hated the scent of womens perfume, girly candles, peppermint/hot cinnamon and those various scented trees people put in their cars. Since I was often with my mom when shopping she expected me to go into each store with her, naturally. The majority I was fine but one in particular I could not stand, Yankee Candle. I could last maybe about a minute in there before I was overcome by a sick feeling and more frequently a pain right in the middle of my forehead. She began to notice this and not force me to go in the store and to this day it is one of the places I try to avoid. That being said, the Christmas Cookie scent they put out is one of my favorites, mainly because it smells real. That being said, I may be over sensitive to artificial scents, but I honestly don't know at this point. Perfume is still a big one for me at this point and that can be problematic as women like to wear it. Am I going to date a woman and tell her she can't wear perfume? On the other hand I don't have too much problem with the deodorant products that I use, mainly because they seem less intense or that I am used to them; once again, I don't really know. I don't really have any strong natural smells that offend me. Food, forget about that one being an issue. I love food and there is nothing that I eat that I don't like the smell of, that is half the battle. I don't eat broccoli, though. I tried it recently and the taste was unbearable, now I know why they try to market it to kids when its covered in cheese sauce. Basically all hot vegetables, with the exception of potatoes, gross me out. How appealing is hot lettuce to anyone? Crispy and cold is the way to go. I always get my sausage at the ballgame without peppers and onions because it just looks slimy to me. The only onions I eat are cold and white, red is also OK. I think scent is more or less mind over matter for me, on some things. I wish I could get over the candles/perfume issues, but I know it could be worse. Let's move onto sound, shall we?

My hearing has always been off the charts. I think it has something to do with the basic animal part of my brain that I went over in "Call Me Captain Caveman". It is all about survival. The better you hear and can therefore earlier assess something trying to sneak up on you, the longer you'll live. Of course, that matter much more long ago. As it is pretty tough to undo evolution I'm stuck with above average hearing, such a shame. I get accused of eavesdropping a lot because I can hear people in the other room. I like to zero in on different conversations in a crowded restaurant which is eavesdropping but its not my fault you decided to talk about something in an open setting. People who know me are aware that I listen to music louder than most, and no, not deafening. This might seem to them that I cannot hear at all. What I am in fact doing is turning the volume up to amplify the back ground noises. I realize this also does the same for the main instrumentals but I can sort of 'listen past' those and 'hear behind' them. I listen for all the little ticks and instrumentals that make up a song, and I do enjoy discovering these sounds that have always been there. This also distracts my mind from counting, social anxiety or a million other things that could be going on. Have you ever noticed a lot of people on the autism spectrum wear headphones? I don't need to be that isolated but music sure does help.

In addition to the regular sounds of everyday life I do hear a light 'static' all the time but its not tinnitus because it has been going on since I was young and I have no history of ear infections or hearing loss. It could be Radio Frequency (RF) hearing but then again I'm not sure. If I don't try to 'listen' to it for a while it goes away, sort of, but then it will come back and, just like hearing a ticking clock that sounds like it is getting louder as you tune your ear to it, that is all I hear again (not really all I hear, but it gets annoying, you get the picture). The light static is a burden sometimes and I just want it to stop. Anyone who has metal detected may know how to compare what I hear. I use a White's metal detector and there is something called a 'threshold' which is the continuous sound used to listen for target signals. Now imagine your hearing works exactly like that; you can always hear what is going on around you but there is a constant back ground noise you also have to content with. That is the best way I can explain it. Loud noises don't really bother me too much. I sort of live by the belief that anything can happen at any time, so always be ready. I can get startled, of course, but I'm not going to freak out by an alarm going off or an ambulance driving by. I think that, over time, I have conditioned myself to deal with loud noises. Sight is another one of my senses that is very linked to sound.

If I hear something the next step is seeing it. Just like my sensitivity to sound, I have very acute vision. I notice things, whether something has been changed or whatever it may be, I'll be the first to point it out. This may be due to my attention to detail or, once again, my basic animal instincts for sensing that something isn't right. By 'right' I don't mean bad, but just not as it was the last time. I've learned not to doubt this sense at all, just like my memory for faces. They both are a deep gut instinct that goes beyond having to think about it. This may have been heightened further by my jewelry training, as minute details take on more importance. Although I am detail oriented I try not to let that ruin or get in the way of things, like how I spend my time. I have to control what is important and let go what is not, otherwise I'd be nit picking something forever. Instead, let's explore a more touchy subject.

Touch is something that I am OK with, more so than most people on the spectrum. Handshakes are fine with me as is hugging. but the latter is usually a greeting that replaces the former when its someone I know well. When most people need a hug, usually do to emotion, I tend to leave the hug out. I don't need hugs because I typically don't cry and the only situation that would warrant that would be an embrace before a long goodbye or a death. Other than those things, touch doesn't really happen that often for me, sort of like other people riding in my car. I did get a massage recently (couldn't resist that Groupon) and I was touched all over and very deeply, as it was a deep tissue massage. I thought I might have a problem with it but I was fine. I also thought, that due to the fact that I am not used to being touched all over by a woman (ever) that I would become aroused. I did not and this was really surprising to me. Maybe my self control is getting better or it may be that typically when I am around a lot of women, whom I'd want to touch me, alcohol is involved. That being said there is one place that you can never try to touch me, which is under my armpits. I have always hated being touched there. I have pictures of myself as a baby doing something curious, and that is when someone is most often picked up with hands under the armpits. I used to do a thing my mom called 'the arch'. I would literally arch myself backwards every time someone picked me up this way. I still think that my extreme dislike of being uncomfortable being touched there stems from when I was an infant. When you think about it you're basically helpless in that position, or at least I felt like I was. I will immediately close the area off like a bear trap when a person goes to touch me there, and if continual efforts are made I'll use my elbows, and you don't want it to get to that point, trust me.

So now you know what I am sensitive to, physically, that is. Emotionally, though, I'll always be a brick wall that there are only a few ways past; so good luck figuring them out. 

The Personal & Physical Traits of Aspergers Part 3: Doesn't always recognize faces right away (even close loved ones)

I have to say that this trait is something I am not burdened with; I am more the opposite in fact. Since I am the opposite I have no idea how this can happen to people so I will stay away from any theories I have which will certainly not be valid. In the area of face recognition I can even brag a little if I want to. You should first know that when it comes to matters of whether something is or isn't I am usually very cut and dry. On this particular subject, however, I am on the fence. What I am circling here is that my ability to remember and instantly recognize faces is possibly in the realm of being a super-recognizer. Even after reading the descriptions of what it means to be a super-recognizer I don't know if there it varies, like the autism spectrum varies, for example. At one point I was 90% sure I was (and I still feel more or less this way) and this number was based on other things I once had doubts about and they later became true, the same internal feeling I had, I mean. But like I said, what it comes down to, I am assuming, is that it is 50-50, I either am or I am not as far as science and clinical testing goes. I guess I should give you the evidence, there is quite a bit of it, now and let you decide for yourself.

Back when I was still in my teens, dad and I would be randomly watching an older movie, a western perhaps, as he tended to (and still does) flip around a lot and then stops at the first thing he likes. I would see a character and exclaim "Oh, that is so and so". He, haven grown up and seeing the movie when it first came out, would basically tell me I was mistaken or that "Naw, it couldn't be". Luckily for us on this friendly argument, the internet was invented and all I had to do was go to IMDB and check. I was correct. I must stop here and ask you this: How could a person who grew up with the characters, and just as many people do, go back and watch the same movies a few times throughout the course of their lives before seeing them yet again with their eventual son and be mistaken about who the actor is? He/she has surely seen the actor in other roles before they either died or passed into obscurity and has those images of aging to compare while the much younger person they are with recognizes the actor and, in nearly all cases that involve my dad, have only seen the actor in their older form of being. What my dad started to do was bet me. Usually it was $10-20 and he lost each time, a total of around $80-100 total before he decided it wasn't in his interest to simply hand me money. Still, poker players often know they are beat but call expecting to be shown a winner; just for knowledge/ piece of mind maybe. Back to me though.

Whenever I see people I haven't seen for a while I instantly know it is them and it doesn't matter if I haven't seen them in years. I can even recognize them in baby pictures. Something is triggered either by the way they walk or their voice and my brain just says "It's them" without question. After not believing in the ability myself for a while (and honestly not knowing if it was just in my head or if it even had a specific term) I began to just let whatever cognitive system was allowing me to do it take over. I stopped questioning it because, as they say, when you know you know. One of the most apparent instances, way more profound to me than the bets with dad, occurred in 2005 at Worcester Academy.

To fulfill some type of mandatory community service hours that were necessary to graduate, students had to help out in some way, and I chose to help Ms. Gould in her office sorting photos on the computer. My decision may have been easier because she had a golden retriever puppy named Monty that I could pet whenever I felt like it. So I was sorting photos into various folders (athletics, assembly, etc.) and also sorting photographs submitted by parents of their kids when they were younger. Ms. Gould asked me to see if I could 'decipher' who a specific photo was of that she was having trouble with. I took a quick look and told her "Mike Allen" feeling 100% with my answer. She paused for a second and said something to the effect of "Oh, my, how did you know that/I not see that?!" She had a wide eyed look on her face and even I know that is evident of genuine surprise. No here is where this bit gets interesting: I had been at the school only about seven months and of course had been exposed to hundreds of students and some of them commute because the dorms aren't big enough to house everyone. Mike and I were friends at school but he was a commuter but until Ms. Gould brought the next fact up to me and I thought about it years later did the weight of it occur to me: Mike Allen was a lifer, meaning he went to the lower and upper schools at WA. He had been there since he was in 6th grade so even if Ms. Gould didn't have him for grades 6-8 (and I still don't know what her official title was/is but she may have been exposed to him before he reached the upper school and certainly after he did) she may have met him before grades 9-12. I do not know the exact age Mike was in the picture, and I probably should ask him, but I knew it was him, no question in my mind. I don't know if it was the smile, his head shape or facial features but I knew it instantly. So how could a teacher that had known someone a minimum of four and a maximum of seven years not know and be stumped by a picture of someone they have seen number in the hundreds of times while myself, who has only known the man in question seven months, maximum, and never seen him while he was younger, recognize him right away? But wait there's more.

I see old teachers, parents of friends and I say 'hello' to them as is customary and they have no idea who I am. Saying they look at me as if I had five heads would probably be more accurate. I then explain to them the types of interaction we used to have and then they start to get it, although a few of them still have no idea and are probably internally think I am crazy. I know I have gained 25 pounds since high school but, come on, I didn't get plastic surgery or anything like that. As it relates to them in my mind, any apparent weight gain, age lines or change in appearance does not phase me in the least bit, its like I can see through the, well I guess its not a disguise because they now look like that, veil of aging that they have gone through. It is for this reason I will always be the first to notice, and subsequently point out, that you got a hair cut or even styled your hair differently that day. Something is my brain just goes off and says 'A change has occurred here', that is the best way I can describe it. What I am exploring, and not deeply yet but possibly later on, is the theory that cavemen/cave women did have something internally that let them recognize friend of foe quickly. This may have been a necessary defense mechanism for them as not being able to notice could have left them vulnerable to attack. I think I briefly discussed something like this and certainly a lot more in an earlier, and possibly popular for some reason post entitled "Call me Captain Caveman" that can be seen on this blog. I say 'possibly popular' because the post was up for a year or so before it started getting most of the hits on my blog and I am left to wonder whether people magically started searching for Captain Caveman since then and why the post had barely any views before it became as popular as it is today (although no one comments on the post itself for some reason). I am also, on that specific post, inquisitive as to whether or not people on the higher autism spectrum share key parts of the brain with Neanderthals to this day. Things such as anxiety as it relates to the obvious, at least for me in my experiences, the sudden and almost explainable 'fight or flight' reaction that often kicks in as it relates to social situations and the possible face recognition capabilities that I mentioned earlier. Being a super-recognizer is not really a super rarity but it can be of value to police and, before computers, casino use to catch possible cheaters. The really odd thing is, I can't recall to a sketch artist everything about a persons face in the most extreme details you may expect, but put ten jokers in a lineup and I will pick the person who's face it belongs to and just like that, they are off to jail. I'm positive seeing them again triggers something, something that is beyond doubt. As far as testing goes, I did pretty well.

Before I knew the term super-recognizer, I considered and used the term for what I perceive to be called facial-photographic and this term, as I explained, isn't accurate at all. I am unable to accurately describe most faces in detail although I can see the image of the person in my mind very quickly but upon seeing them again, and knowing it, is another matter entirely. I was watching 60 Minutes by sheer dumb luck when they reported on people who suffered from what is called Prosopagnosia or face blindness. They then reported on the opposite side of that, naturally, as they always try to do with any rare condition that has an opposite to compare it to. The super-recognize they were featuring was given the Before they were famous' test. I got every one of them right as well, quickly. I'm no good at math but things seemed to be adding up. I don't think the test was fool proof, and neither was the one that I scored borderline on. In the other one they take faces and then take the hair off or put hooded sweatshirts on the people and you need to try and guess if you saw them before. I, of course, had never seen the faces as they were totally random so it wasn't anything to go off of, just another bunch of faces in the crowd. I do have a theory, non technical, about how the super-recognizer brain my work.

What I think, and this is what I surmised on my own, is that the system works like this: Once you see and process a face it goes into the 'Bank' so to speak. Upon seeing the face again information from the 'bank' is called up or some sort of trigger goes off that alerts you that you have seen this face before, or one like it. It gets sort of tricky here and the next part is from my own experiences. Everyone seems to have a doppelganger out there in the world. I have seen many people who resemble celebrities but not fully, something with a combination of their facial features just screams it, to me. When I am with someone else they try to do what I can by saying that some random person we both can see looks like so and so. It takes me one look to decide whether they are close or not and a lot of the time they are either,  partially correct and I agree, I bring up another person who they didn't think of and they say "Oh, wow, you're right" or, and this is where it can get really funny, an 'amalgam' (as I call it) of a few different people. I had a ton of fun with a few people at my old roommate Heather's (yes, the last year in college I lived with not one, but two girls; and that is another story entirely that I am saving for my book) graduation party. Her dad is an obvious Christoper Walken while some, unfortunate may not be the right word, lady was an amalgam of John Denver and Axl Rose, spot on. She had the long Axl hair and the vintage Denver glasses and everyone who was in the circle laughed until they cried. The ability to come up with the amalgam is perhaps one of the most telling sign for me. If I am not, than what am I with regards to how I recognize faces. Am I stuck somewhere in the middle of nowhere, as I am on the autism spectrum or am I totally wrong here?

So what do you think, am I a super-recognizer of not? I may have to add more, but for now I will let you tell me what you think.

The Personal & Physical Traits of Aspergers Part 2: Blank expression much of the time

I have touched on this subject in earlier posts but I feel like including it again here, just in case you missed it. Have you ever seen someone walking around with a blank face? It's not uncommon at all as you can sometimes catch a person deep in thought or spacing out. But, if that person happened to be me, than that would be a different story. My standard expression doesn't change much and you can't easily tell sometimes when I am happy or sad, although at other times it will be quite obvious. I can't really help that I started out as a more unemotional person and then tempered myself ever further. I don't let most small instances bother me. If someone cuts me off in traffic, I don't beep the horn especially if it was by accident. What would beeping at them do, they know they screwed up so beating a dead horse is pointless in this case. If you're really going to let simple things get in your way then you may as well give up now. Getting mad lead to feeling angry and being stressed, I don't need that one bit. So back to the matter at hand, why do I have a blank face more often then not?

The first reason is comfort. They say 'comfort is king' and I feel most comfortable with my standard facial expression the way it is. You may have heard other people on the autism spectrum tell you this next fact: Smiling feels awkward, especially when it is forced. When I laugh, I smile. When I see something heartwarming or am playing with a kitten or a puppy, I smile. When I don't need to, I don't smile. To me a smile is like making small talk; I only like to have a conversation and a genuine smile is just that, something with substance, not something pointless. The next reason I don't smile may surprise you, but you will be able to see why just as easy.

If I am mentally tired and have things out in public I need to do and there is no way around it, or I'm in a mood where I simply don't feel like talking to anyone besides the people I need to deal with, I make my face as uninviting as humanly possible. People are less apt to talk to or even approach you when you are not smiling vs. smiling. The lack of a smile is a defense mechanism for me at times. Also, I routinely wear sunglasses to the supermarket or anywhere else that has a lot of people and I need to stay there for an extended period of time. I got a comment on this blog saying something to the effect of "Oh, the sunglasses are so you can cut down the amount of visual stimulation and you won't be overwhelmed, right?" Sorry, wrong. All people/cases are different and I myself am a professional goldsmith. I work with fire daily and it can get very intense/loud, especially if I am doing platinum work which is done with a hissing jet-engine like flame at 4,000F coming out of the torch head, and before that it was learning to drive a car, which I see everything and anything on the road. So the amount of visual stimulation is not the problem. The sunglasses are so people cannot see the blank expression my eyes also have. Have you ever seen the way zombies 'stare' in older movies? Yes, it is like that. I appear to be looking through objects, not at them. If you pair that with the blank expression on my face then you have the look of say, a psycho killer. There doesn't appear to be anything going on upstairs or there may be a few too many toys in the attic. I do shop without sunglasses sometimes and the people seem to take it well, although I 'feel' they are creeped out, but that may just be mild and unnecessary paranoia.

I think I have covered what I needed to, so until next time. Next trait up: Doesn't always recognize faces right away (even close loved ones), which I am going to completely blow your mind with why this one does NOT apply to me, at all. 

The Personal & Physical Traits of Aspergers Part 1: Repetitive Routines or Rituals

I'll admit that I do a lot of things often, and in certain ways. We all have a little bit of OCD in us but people, such as myself, on the autism spectrum tend to take it further and the level of which all depends on the person. If you can recall the scene from Rain Man when Charlie took Ray's book off of the shelf and Ray started to pace around and mutter to himself. I like to think of my room/workshop as an area where I have controlled chaos. The room in particular seems to get to a level of critical mass where it stays constant and it won't get any dirtier, but the minute I clean it is when it starts the cycle all over again. if you took a picture of my clean room every day for a month on the last day it would be back to where it was before I cleaned it. I like to do something and then, once done, move on. I am not a person who stops to clean up things that are harmless, like clothes. I do dishes and if I spill something it gets taken care of right away but things that are not time sensitive get lost in the mix. "I can always do this later" I think to myself, actually I stopped thinking that all together and simply move onto the next thing. My jewelers bench in my workshop (for those of you readers who don't already know I am a profession goldsmith and have worked on many pieces with a few  in the $15,000-$25,000 range, so I take it very serious) is a complete mess but this is a little more acceptable than a dirty room. I messy bench is a busy bench, it means you have work to do so that is good thing. I know where things are so it isn't really a problem. I'd like to get more organized in there but since I am the only one using it I keep it the way I see fit. Besides work and sleep there are other things that I do with only a loose repetition, which I will explain why I use that specific term later.

Whenever I open up a new pack of chewing gum (I have been cutting back on the habit these days) I always, after taking the plastic wrap off, open the flap and take an audible whiff of the contents, much in way a person taking in the fresh air high atop a hill in springtime would. I don't care who is around when I do this and I can't say for sure when I started it, but I do it each time. I would like to use an example of something more structured that I do a lot of repetition. I have been doing Bikram Yoga for a while now and I think what I do illustrates how I feel quite well. Each class is the same postures, in the same order for about the same time, each time, all in a 105F room with around 40% humidity. The poses don't change, only your body does.

My yoga routine is very much the same each time, but with the loose repetitive nature I mentioned earlier. I arrive a half hour early and park in the same area nearest the pole I always do. I am already chewing a piece of gum at this point and I walk into the building and sort of sprint up the stairs to the third floor where the studio is. I make sure the stairs are clear before I do this as I don't want any accidents. I then enter and drop my mat down while I take my shoes off before signing in. I chat with the teacher perhaps but this may be more so after I go into the hot room and drop my mat in my spot. It is first come first serve and I like my spot, hence the reason I get there early. After that is locked up I then leave the room and talk to whoever is coming in. I do a runners stretch resting each leg, in time, on the window sill while I watch for my fellow yogis. I then return to the hot room and do some other stretches, I have a first and second (and possibly third) wave of things that I do. I make sure my nostrils are clear and fill up my big water bottle, which I had left at the entrance to the hot room,  at the filtered tap. I then go the bathroom, wet my hair and spit my gum out in the trash ( you can't have anything in your mouth when class starts). I do my final bit of stretching while I talk to whomever is near me if I feel I can add something to the conversation. Once class starts I am all business. If people are looking at me, which they are usually focused on their own practice, then they would on a couple occasions see the blank 'zombie' stare people rarely ever get to see from me. After all I am in the front row directly in front of the mirror, and everyone is looking forward. This may seem a bit odd for a person who 99% of the time prefers stealth in social situations but I have my spot in the room and I stick to it, always, and it doesn't matter if the hottest woman in the world is over on the other side (if she liked me I'm sure she would move to where I am so I don't worry about it). When it comes to lay down on our backs I seek out my fourteen boards. They are right above me and I count them, up and down being once, a total of seven times. If I mess up, I scrap that specific pass over the boards with my eyes only. I typically do four during the long break on the floor and then the last three peppered throughout the entire floor set. If I am still counting when the teacher is at one of the many points where we do a sit up I continue counting and then do the sit up, I don't like to interrupt myself for anyone. I only do, at maximum a total of ten counts of the boards and that includes mess ups; I don't let it run my life. After the class is over I lay there with everyone else and once the door is opened and closed twice, it doesn't matter how many people go out at a time, I do a thirty three second leg lift with the last four seconds (30-33) being counted three times each. I then grab my stuff and exit the studio entirely and put my mat outside the lobby and then get a piece of gum from my shorts and greedily pop it into my mouth. I take this as a reward for a class well done. I then sit down on the benches just out of the inner studio and talk with the others who are slick with sweat and looking half dead sometimes. After I feel I've cooled down enough I exit the building entirely, start my car, roll down my windows, turn the radio up and I'm off. I do not know when this routine started and I have varied it a little over the nearly four years I have been doing yoga but I like it and feel very comfortable there, even when we are packed in the studio like sardines. The thing that does set me apart from most people with OCD/others on the spectrum is that I can vary my routine and not entirely freak out about it.

I do get a little annoyed when I have planned something and then it falls apart due to something that came up but I shake it off. That is life. Long ago I learned that things can and will change or go wrong entirely, and dealing with it is a necessity. Whenever I have planned on going to a concert or some other big even I prepare in advance. I haven't had one cancelled, yet, and I am not sure how that would go; I'd probably just be mad for a little while longer than usual and move on to the next thing. You should know that when I say a while I mean an hour at most. I do have a hybrid child-like brain that can get over things quickly and shift gears rapidly. If I didn't have this trait I don't know where I would be now, but it is a mixed bag, more on that phenomenon in a later post perhaps.

As far as other things that were brought up in Rain Man, I do not eat my meals the same each night of the week, buy my underwear at K-Mart or count cards like a computer, but I do share many of the traits, just with less of an effect on my mental state. I will get to those in further posts of this series but for now I feel I have said almost enough.


Questions or Comments? Let me know.

New Post Topic Series: The Personal & Physical Traits of Asperger's

There is a list of personal & physical traits of Asperger's on the website help4aspergers.com and I and going to delve into each of them, individually. I will highlight the severity or lack thereof of each one and I will be sure to pepper in stories along the way. This is going to be both fun and revealing, and you will get details straight from the horses mouth (or ass, as I tend to make a fool out of myself more often then not). Enjoy! 

The Last Couple Months (Work Stuff)

I realize it's been a while since my last post. I have been busy, for once. Along with my own jewelry business, which has grown and I am starting to do a lot more I am working for a guy who's getting audited. my dad helped him out of a jam and he needed someone to run the numbers that didn't mind working long hours, mainly alone. That sounded like a perfect fit and I have been with the company for over three months and it's basically my boss, myself and his son who pitches in when his insomnia isn't too bad. My job involves data entry for all the employees that have worked for the three companies that my boss owned. The data goes back to 2007.

A couple of years ago he sort of just pulled a Dave Chappelle and checked out, and all the big contracts the companies had went with him. I have no doubt he knows how to be successful,and will be again, but he can be abrasive, sort of like myself. Also, and I told my dad this after my first day, that I think my boss and his son are both somewhere on the spectrum. The son is quiet, but they both make a lot of off color jokes and don't really handle stress well. Both are very smart and will ramble on if given the chance to speak of something they are passionate about. One thing I found odd, though, is that after 17 of not smoking my boss started up again four years ago. I asked him why and he couldn't give me a clear answer. I told him I thought it was a pretty stupid idea and he agreed.

The funny thing about working where I do is that it is sort of relaxed but you have to get your work done. my 'office' is actually just a separate space in the basement with everything I need. My commute is only a mile and a half and that is only one or two turns and I'm there or home. The pay is all right, but not high. Every Wednesday, payday, I ask him if he's "fired the printer up yet", a way of asking for my money. We are pretty open with how we feel about things, not much subtlety like at the other jobs I have worked in the past.

I don't have to deal with anyone really. I'm in a room, given work and I do it. I don't even see my boss most of the time. He checks in and answers any questions, but often he Houdini's for hours at a time. I text him, or call if he is really needed, and he says he'll be back soon or to just wait, and I understand that I'll be paid for it. Last Friday I arrived and just as I was getting out of my car he yells to me "Get back in your car, I have a meeting with my lawyer so there won't be any work today, but pay yourself for four hours and head on home". He didn't need to tell me twice.

Since it is steady work, I got nine to five most days, I'll try to hold onto it until the audit is complete. It seems to be getting there as he has been to the IRS and had a bunch of lawyer meetings lately. I mean, realistically, how long can those guys give you to get your stuff together? For now I will take the money as it comes, spend it as I have been on jewelry that will only make me more money (I am a pro at this) and save the rest and reinvest what I make off what I just bought. Whenever it ends I will be in a much better place than when I started, that is for sure. 

Asperger's vs. Fiery Latino Passion

Outspoken, loud, fiery, passionate: these words describe what most people associate with people of Latino/Hispanic descent. But, these four words are almost always left out when talking about someone on the autism spectrum. I am a member of both of these circles and I am here to tell you that one of them is clearly dominate over the other. I don't know if it was really ever a choice for me. For me, Asperger's and its character traits win out over raw emotion.

Now of course there are times when I express emotions over certain situations. I feel excitement and the effects of drama when I watch or take part in sports. My competitive nature whist taking part in athletics has always been fierce, I don't like to lose that is for sure, but I'm not about to pull a John Mcenroe tantrum when I wind up on the losing end. I take my losses like a man. But other than that, I am as even keel as they come. In fact I am not easily angered by the usual stupidity in the world that other people are, although I do have some simple things that can get to me. And when things do happen, say when someone cuts me off when driving, I rarely if ever beep the horn. If I were to use the horn what would the person I used it against learn anyhow? I see more reasons not to react than to in most of life's situations, so why waste energy doing so? That is how I feel any way.

Being outspoken is not one of my strengths and I only am so when I think something really matters. I am not talking about general chit chat here, either, as I can be quite the chatterbox if you get me going. This is when I feel that there is something so wrong with the situation I'm witnessing that I have to take a stand. I don't do so unless it is something I truly care about. When the teacher used to ask "Now are there any questions" I was always hoping that someone else would ask why I was too embarrassed to. There is a certain type of situation that I do experience some of both parts of the four words stated earlier; situations that involve money.

I tend to get a little more stressed when there is money on the line. Whether it be bidding on eBay or negotiating prices in a store I find an arousal of emotion occurs in me. This isn't always the case, as some negotiating must be kept close to the vest, a good example being when I buy diamonds at the jewelers building. I like to 'play the game' when people try to negotiate with me on some of my merchandise, usually jewelry, though. I find it fun. By 'play the game' I don't mean that I'm trying to screw people over, just I like to think of it as a sport that leaves each side satisfied in the end; dissatisfied people tend to end things before an agreement is reached and you don't get paid.

When I argue with people they tend to do most of the yelling, just ask my mom. She has been set to tears on numerous occasion while I just sat there and watched. All I can do is sit there and wait, even exiting the situation and waiting until the next day when she has calmed down to discuss matters. Sorry, but I don't like dealing with emotional wrecks. The thing about that is you get into a situation where nothing can be agreed upon and anything THEY say is right and its as if your opinion doesn't matter. I tend to be the one who keeps my composure, and if other people were to watch they would clearly agree, but too bad the kinds of heated arguments between two people usually occur without an audience.

So that's about all I have for this one. The bottom line is I don't express emotions when I feel it is fine to do without them. I  make a great third party moderator and look at issues in an unbiased manner, allegiances be damned. If you want to hear the truth then ask me, I'll give it to you with a strait face, just don't ask and expect me to sugarcoat things or to go along with your view point; we Aspy's have never been good at lying.    

Comparing Asperger's (at least my own version) to Platinum

I have long since figured out that I can compare two seemingly incomparable things to make people understand. All you have to know how to do is find something that works, and then run with it. I did another example of something else that I am saving for the book, but this one will be how working with the precious metal platinum is like dealing with an Aspy. Just like in the other example I will first do the run through with one thing and then the other. You may get confused, but don't skip to the end, just read and wait for it, trust me, in the end, it will all make sense ( I hope).

Many bench jewelers/goldsmiths are used to the everyday tasks that are expected in their job. Gold, no matter what alloy or color, is pretty similar in terms of what you can and can't do with it, and what to expect out of the metal when you are working with it. True, white gold has some special rules that need to be followed, such as not quenching it in water when it is still hot and the colored gold alloys have some other certain characteristics but, overall, gold is gold. It can be sold easily enough to buyers all around the world and has been used as a currency for millenia. Although it can take many forms, people usually know gold when they see it, but not all that glitters is gold, clearly. There is a more recently discovered metal used in jewelry, although it was used long ago and then almost forgotten and then remembered again. Platinum is a metal that does not wear away with constant use and hardly tarnishes. It stays very constant and can be made into very thin pieces that, if made from gold, would break easily. Platinum does have plenty of cautions and drawbacks, however, that must be considered before working with it.

In terms of alloy type, there are a few main ones that are used in jewelry. There is 95/5 platinum-ruthenium which is good for casting and is OK for hand fabrication, 95/5 platinum-cobalt is ideal for casting because it flows really well when cast and can be easily polished, but it does oxidize when being welded. A long time favorite is 90/10 Platinum-Iridium which works well in nearly every jewelry application, whether it be casting or hand fabrication. This alloy suits most jewelers well. Different alloys are used specifically for certain procedures and that is why they were invented in the first place. After an alloy is chosen then begins task of making something out of it. I prefer 90/10 Platinum-Iridium and this alloy is what most of the older platinum rings from the late 19th and early 20th century were made of. One thing to watch out for when working with any platinum alloy is contamination, i.e. the exposure to certain things that can effect its work-ability  The same tools and techniques that work wonders on gold do not work at all when making jewelry out of platinum. An oxygen-propane torch is preferred over oxy-acetylene because the latter expels carbon that the platinum can absorb, making it brittle. A special ceramic surface should be used instead of a charcoal block, again because of carbon. No flux should be used, as the high temperatures used in soldering and welding render to flux noneffective and can even contaminate the alloy. Only tungsten, with its high melting point, should be used when handling hot platinum. Steel will only leave a mark of oxidation that could be difficult to remove. Platinum is a fickle metal, unforgiving and a lot of things can go wrong without the use of proper techniques. Even the rolling mill must be cleaned and freshly oiled to avoid pressing other metals into it. All tools must be lubricated when cutting and filing because the incredible density makes platinum hard to cut through. 

Heat is the most important thing when working with platinum. It has to get very, very hot and the heat has to be direct. While most flames used in jewelry are neutral to only slightly oxidized, a platinum flame has to be nearly all oxygen, with a trademark 'hiss'. Trust me, you will know you are using the proper flame by the sound of it. The first time inexperienced jewelers work with platinum they have no idea how hot and direct the flame has to be and what they end up using has very little effect on the metal. Quickly enough, though, they do learn that you have to adapt to the metal you are working with. There is no fluttering around the piece when you heat it, just move the flame in and be direct and you should have no problem. It should be noted that proper eye wear must be used in order to filter the highly dangerous UV rays that glowing platinum emits and only a #5 shade or above will work. There is little danger of melting platinum when you use the proper flame size, but if you use the wrong one then the metal will collapse just like any other. This is hard to do, but if you feel the metal is about to melt then back the flame off a little and let the metal cool before reapply heat. It may seem a little odd, but freshly heated platinum will still glow for a while before cooling. It is not uncommon when melting it to put the piece underwater and still have it glow red for a time before it fully cools. Soldering and fusing platinum is also something of a different nature.

Platinum fusion involves melting the metal to itself, no solder needed. I have actually done this with a bracelet I am making at the moment, see picture. It can be scary at first to do (I only do the in-hand holding to prove a point) but it is always a thrill. Soldering the metal is also interesting, again due to heat, but it is still just soldering in the end. The one very hard aspect of platinum is polishing it.

You have to start polishing with the lowest grit possible, and this can really take a while. While with gold and silver you can simply do Tripoli to remove the surface scratches and then Rouge to polish, platinum involves using 200, 400 grit, then 800, 1500, 4000, 8,000 and even 12,000 with the lower numbers coming from hand files and polishing papers. Platinum does NOT wear away with constant use and ordinary polishing agents will not affect it, trust me I have tried. If you skip a step, you will wish you didn't. You can't polish a scratch out of platinum, it only becomes shinier. Every step of the way you must make sure you have a uniform finish before moving onto the next grit, and then you need to clean the piece and use a different buff to apply the next step because it won't work properly if you don't. In the end, though, it is worth it, and the piece shines with a luster, almost looking 'neon' in some cases. You may be asking yourself, are all of these special techniques & processes worth it and how do they relate to me as a person on the autism spectrum?

People on the autism spectrum are similar to others, but with some major differences that make us seem like our own category of human being, and even then there are many different alloys (although platinum is a metal, it is not like working with silver and gold, at all and certain knowledge is needed in order to avoid disaster).  As far as my character goes, I am hard to change. There needs to be extreme forces at work in order for me to make changes happen (the high heat of the torch). If you put too much heat on me for too long then a melt-down is inevitable and it can take me longer than you think to get my head right (I need a mental rest after extended social interaction to cool down, and if you try to converse with me before that time you are wasting your breathe, and may get burned or at least feel like you did). I will resist some change, I have learned to go with the flow, and if I don't like what is happening I will not comply at all and even take myself out of the situation (any 'other' metal, or even the wrong fuel system, that gets into a platinum alloy and then heat is applied, will contaminate it and you will need to remove the affected pieces before proceeding). In terms of social interaction, it was hard for me to act appropriate sometimes (take a 'polish' or a 'shine' to people) and learn how people are supposed to interact with one another. This was mainly in my younger years. I have, with time and many embarrassing experiences, learned how to act around others. All of these mistakes I made (by learning not to skip steps and focus on the little things) have helped me to start to shine. So is it all worth it in the end?

If you want to know someone of the spectrum then you have no choice. If your son or daughter, friend or relative, someone you want to know but they seem to have a barrier up that you want to break down the wall of communication and understanding, then yes, it is all worth it.

We can be hard to deal with, you may think you did everything right, but missed one important detail, and that is why it hasn't worked out in the past. This last statement can either be true of me looking at you, or you looking at me. I try harder than ever to get on the same page as other people but still lack polish in that area. I know it will come, and I have shown measured improvement, but it takes a while.

Is a Person's Knowledge of Asperger's Specific Symptoms Something That Can Be Overcome?

Some of the paragraphs are going to run on, but bear with me until I get the message across on this post, or at least attempt to.

When I first learn about Asperger's at age 16, when I was diagnosed, I didn't think much of what it meant. To me it was an answer to a question, one that my parents and I both had, as to what was 'going on' with me. I did not look into any real information about it until my senior year in college, so there spanned a six year gap where I was sort of on my own without the knowledge I possess about myself today. Bog Seger said it best; "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then". I could have used the pertinent information to gain some understanding and then draw my own conclusions. If, back then, I had know that reading female body language was a major problem I probably would have tried to figure out a way to try to crack that code a little sooner. I still am having problems with it and I am always trying to read articles that relate to the female prospective. Some are insightful, most re not. In my time trying to understand things ( anything really) I have come to conclude that the earlier I take action the better. This should be obvious to most, but when the thing you are trying to understand is not always clear cut it can be a daunting task.

For years I would come home from school exhausted. The simple explanation was that I was tired and needed a nap, so I took one. This worked, but I would also not be able to fall asleep later on and this was a problem. I couldn't figure out how to solve this problem and never changed my habit. I found working out helped to allow me to re-burn  some of the energy I had gained from the nap. This may seem like the problem was solved, but it was just beginning. In college I learned about why I get tired and it was different than I previously thought.

Human interaction takes a tremendous toll on the brain of anyone on the autism spectrum. After prolonged exposure to reading body language and social cues the inevitable happens, the brain goes into what I call "survival mode". This isn't something I let people, even family, see. I self-isolate as best I can and ride out the storm, so to speak. It usually takes 45 minutes to an hour for me to come around again. I tend to either listen to music or read during this time, but I try to stay awake or at least think so I don't fall asleep, because as I have already stated that affects my sleep patterns. This self administered cure came for the first time when I was relaxing in one of the upper floors of the library on the Umass Lowell South Campus. My spring (this occurred mainly at first in spring when I was on south campus) and then final fall semesters (shoulder surgery the year before had me drop a couple classes and I had to make them up without taxing myself too much) had a break before the next class so I would head up a couple floors to be alone. I was also in the Asperger group at school  so I had a lot to think about. I would lay down on one of the two seated pleather couches and veg out in thought. I would think about anything and everything. When I was done I felt renewed, but it wasn't one of those "Now I can take on the world" feelings, it was more subtle than that. I just felt like my head was more clear, although I didn't realize yet why. Every day I would do this for about an hour, school or not and each time after I would feel better mentally afterwards. It was sort of all at once I realized why I had been feeling exhausted after a long day at school and what could be done about it. I still use this process today in order to refresh my brain and work out many problems I am having during the time I spend alone. So the question is, if I knew from the get go that human interaction taxed my brain so much that I would need a break after a certain amount of time would I have learned how to deal with it quicker or simply avoided it by keeping out of social situation all together? Well, I did isolate myself anyways after school unless it was in high school when I had baseball practice. My friends only knew me at school and being the ace of the pitching staff but never going out on the weekends must have seemed odd to them. In a perfect high school world I would have been the center of attention and hip-deep in girls. The fact remains, I wasn't, and I didn't even go to prom, I didn't even consider it and none of my friends ever asked if I was going or asked me any questions as related to the event. They did not know of my struggles with Asperger's (and still don't) so I don't blame them. In high school its everyone one for themselves I guess.

When someone tells me I can't do something I try to prove them wrong, that is just the competitor in me. I just take their ignorance of my ability as something I have to shatter. If science tells me I can't do something then I take the facts with a grain of salt and see what I can do about it. This is very important: If you think you cannot do something then you will not. Once again this is obvious, but when it is proven over and over again that the odds are against you, even by your own experiences and trial & error, you wonder if it is true. Most people would have given up by now trying to do some of the things I do. When I learned that fine motor skills were very difficult for all people on the spectrum the last career you think I would have attempted would be a goldsmith. Not that I am comparing myself to him, but when Tom Brady was looked at, and over by NFL scouts, the one thing they seemingly refused to notice was his heart. My college baseball coach always wanted the guys with fire in their belly because that translates into a work ethic that allows them to get better over time. Although he never said the latter part I now realize that is why he always went with the guys who were 'gamers'. In reality I was a gamer. I was always the smallest kid on the diamond. In high school other teams thought I was the bat boy; they didn't think so after I went out and sat them down time and again. I always was good at baseball, and that was a direct result of me wanting to get better and putting the time in. I had a private pitching coach in high school that I went to once a week in the off season. He helped me tremendously and is one of them main reasons I got into college and played at such a good baseball school. Just like Tom I could have gone division I if I had more of the profile build over a power pitcher, but some things can't be helped. You can't teach size, and I was simply too short. I gave my all each and every time I pitched and I went as long as I could until I needed shoulder surgery, but I have no regrets. Anyway, back to me at present again.

The reason I like jewelry so much is that I can have complete control over it. It doesn't talk back and has some very unique problems that need to be solved sometimes, and I love problem solving. The pure fact that my lack of fine motor skills would hinder me was something I felt I could get over, with time, and I have come a long way since my early days as the bench. The 'gamer' coach always touted came out in me, and boy do I love what I do. Almost anything can be overcome if you put your mind to it and I am proof of that.

I know there are more things I have to work on, but I have so many hours in the day to get done what I need to and the time I spend thinking each day isn't enough to figure everything out, but I know that by continuing to try I will get there, eventually.

Questions or Comments?

World Autism Awareness Day: Looking Back At Myself, It Was Always Obvious

When my parents first picked me up down in Colombia I was simply their third child and second son who they loved very much. My brother, sister and me we all adopted from Colombia, although I came along a few years after they did. That story is a miracle in itself and I need to get all the facts straight before sharing it with you (you might have to wait for the book to be done for that one). They got me home and showed me to the world. But there was something they couldn't figure out. I wouldn't look at anyone and whenever someone tried to pick my up I would arch backwards. They called this "The Arch", both appropriately and not surprisingly. Even to this day if someone tries to touch under my armpits I will violently close the gap, often throwing an elbow; do not test me on this. Other than that I was fine, just like any other child.

Whenever I ask my dad about my childhood he takes it the wrong way. It's odd but I feel like he doesn't see Asperger's as something that affects me. Anyhow, I asked him once if he recalls why I didn't often smile in pictures as a child. He immediately burst out "You were a happy kid!" No, shit dad, we had everything I could have ever wanted growing up. If he let me finish my thought it would have been known that I felt no one saw this as the first red flag. The picture above is what I am talking about. Here at four years old I am shown playing with blue Play-Doh and wearing a blue shirt, both very fitting. there is also no one around me. I would always go over an make objects with the ball and rolling pin. You could say I gravitated towards them with reckless abandon. On the playground, however, I would join in with everyone else, but when I could, I would self isolate and that remains true to this day.

At around age twelve my mother asked me if I wanted to join a play group with a couple kids I knew. I declined and I liked that she was always one to allow freedom of choice. All those kids ended up going to private school anyway. Around the same time I began telling my father, I'm different dad, I don't know what it is, but there is a reason I don't do what the other kids are doing. This didn't concern him too much as he must have thought I was approaching puberty and that my brain was already starting to change. The thing with parenting is that you can't be there all the time, you don't know what your child is exposed to when you are not around. You don't see how they do in social situations and why they take themselves out of them voluntarily. I don't place any blame on them, in fact there is no blame to be had by anyone. I am who I am and wouldn't change it for the world.

Life would simply be too boring if I were someone else. True, I've missed out on a bunch of things that you neurotypicals take for granted i.e dating, going to prom, fitting in (period) and understanding body language, but you don't have some of the talents I do. In a way we are all equal, we are given certain thing we can and can't do and it is our task to figure out and nurture those gifts. I am not talking about economics situations here, either, but we all know that helps and can hinder people just as much. I am talking about exploiting your own natural talents in order to make a better life for yourself. You are given all the tools, all you have to do is get to work.

I don't really know how to end this post, but I will say this, you know more of 'US' than you think you do, so keep your eyes open as we are everywhere.

Working Out With My Brother

So being a former college athlete, baseball, I am always trying to stay in shape. I do Bikram Yoga on a regular basis but with the pending allergy season upon me I have decided to go all out. I did P90x a couple years ago and had good results, namely building up my chest and arms which were lacking in definition. I do have past injuries to both shoulders, my right torn and then repaired and my left is still torn, and was able to get through the program without too much discomfort. For my birthday, end of September, I received, at my own request, Insanity: Asylum. There is the regular insanity program that is 60 days, this one is 30 and is meant to be the next step. I didn't use the program but was planning to at some point. A couple of weeks ago my brother decided to do it with me. I typically don't work out with a partner, go figure, but I took it as an opportunity to bond some more with Jeff. We don't see one another as often as we used to. That has obviously changed recently.

The workouts themselves are borderline brutal: Non-stop intense routines with all the hard moves emphasized  Having not done the prior program we both found ourselves humbled in the first five minutes of day one. We hit the pause button a couple times that first day, but that has stopped, unless something worthy of our full attention comes up, which is rare. We have both lost weight and  my arms are back to where they were a couple years ago. Jeff has lost more than I have (and honestly he had more to lose) and things are looking great at the halfway point. I went back to yoga yesterday and it seemed almost like a joke in terms of my stamina. Some things I had trouble with due to a little less shoulder flexibility, but I'll take that trade off for now.

I will say that, in terms of my movements, some of the routines are awkward for me to do (mainly the leg movement ones). I only become better coordinated after a few times around and by then it is over. That one I will chalk up to being on the autism spectrum but, as with learning how to put everything together to pitch a baseball, difficult things can be done, in time. I'll let you know how it ends in a couple more weeks.

Shopping with Half a Brain: A First Hand Account

So today was a busy day for me, second day back from vacation and I had a lot of running around to do. In my travels I interacted with a lot of people, naturally. As many of you already know, prolonged exposure to people starts or continues a cycle of mental decay that ultimately ends up with my brain partially shutting down and moving into auto-pilot mode. At this point my ability to articulate, major problem solving skills and facial expressions diminish to basic function. My legendary patience for people (as I am a goldmsmith and you can't work on something all day and then rush it to finish or get pissed enough that you make a horrible mistake) goes right out the window. I become a whiny child who needs a nap and eventually all of this leads to me becoming a zombie basically, and I NEVER allow people to see me at this point, not even my own mother. I would have written this down right after it happened, but my brain was shot, so here goes:

I had only been at the supermarket for five minutes and I felt it creeping on steadily. The older lady at the deli counter had an ad in her hand stating that this type of ham was better than that and that it was on special or something. The people working the counter didn't know what she wanted and she sort of argued with them for a while and everyone else holding a number was forced to wait. Normally I would have found this amusing, but I my number was such that I could be called quickly so I opted not to wander off and hunt for other items on my list. Finally the disagreement was worked out and it was my turn. The lady had left with her ham and she was out of earshot so I said as loudly as possible "I'll take ham, too, I'll have whatever kind that doesn't hold the line up". A few people laughed. After I got my meat I then set off to find the rest of my list.

Now I will say there is the expected aimless wandering at the supermarket that we have all experience. You know where everything is, for the most part, but you get to that point where you tend to wander around with no clue. This was happening to me, but with an added bonus. My 'symptoms' came about almost as quickly as a werewolf changes. I found myself reading the list and having to backtrack more than once. I'd park my carriage somewhere and forget where it was or have the need to ask someone where an item was, but didn't want to converse with them because, well, you know.

 "Fresh 100% lemon juice?" SOB! Will this stuff in front of me do? I better text Mom to see if that's what she wants or will this reconstituted crap in the fake lemon suffice? I better include a picture just to be sure. Come on, answer back. (She was at a basketball game watching my cousin cheer). Let's go already...Should I get it or not?! Well if it were me, and I am very specific about things I like (which people seem to be  too stupid to understand) and I would want it to be as fresh as possible. 'Please answer me back, I feel I need to get out of here' I frantically texted. I'm sitting here waiting trying not to look around or make eye contact with people and my heartbeat is starting to quicken. Capacity for reasoning is waving bye-bye. 'I guess I'll just get you fresh lemons and juice them myself' I throw a whole bunch in a bag and head towards the checkout area. Ok, which one of these poisons do I pick? Well this one has more people in but they have less stuff each. Um......this one I guess. I get there, wait for my turn, last person in the line, when it dons on me; I still need to get canned stewed tomatoes! She's going to get pissed if I forget those! Audibly, I let out a single word, "f***..... Great, I really need to deal with this s*** right now, I think to myself. I walk to the canned vegetable isle and begin looking for them. Soups of all kind and potatoes, carrots, peas etc, but no tomatoes. I scour every can in the same pace that future bosses use when going over a resume. Nope, none here, so then where are they?! I pause again, trying to find the answer, looking for a person in a uniform I can use for one quick second as I run by them. I debate asking a fellow shopper and paying her $20 for said information. Finally, the damn pasta isle!!!! After more scouring I find them. 5 for $3, OK, wait do I need five cans?! Will she eat all those, they are certainly not for me. F*** it, into the cart they went at light speed as I run, SuperMarket Sweep style to the register. I unload my items on the belt and then comes the point where the cashier asked cash or credit/debit. I usually am playful and say 'Deborah' meaning debit, and most people with an IQ over 50 can pick up on the cop type lingo and know that it means 'debit'. Instead I said "Debit" in the most lifeless sounding voice she ever heard. The staff said 'bye' I just half grunted and walked away. Luckily I didn't have do anything else involving humans that day, so I drove home and put things away.

So there you have it, that's what it's really like to have your brain go on auto-pilot in a public place. All you want to do is run and be alone but that's not an option in most cases. About a half hour later I began to feel myself getting back and then after an hour I was fine. Just so you know I added some color commentary to the account, nothing that wasn't the truth, but nothing that I was thinking at the time. If I wrote that it would have been the dullest thing ever as all I am thinking about is "Get out of here, get out of here, get out!!" What I have come to realize is that I can note what is going on and then write about it later. The most important thing you have to understand is that this process of mental decay has always happened to me, long before I knew about Asperger's, ( and yes, I am aware of the coming change in name due to the stupid people who write laws for everyone) so it's not a placebo effect at all. Learning and coming to my own conclusions about what actually happens when my brain decides it wants to involuntarily take time off is something I am proud of and putting it into words is what I am good at so why not share it?
I'll probably need to add to this post/edit further at some point, but it is 3:30 AM and I should go back to sleep.

Questions or comments? Let me know.

The Weeks Ahead and the Last Couple Past

Well I had flu from the 7th to around the 16th, which was awesome. I had all the body aches, runny nose and weakness I could handle. Mom gave it to me (she got it from work) and we both had a good go of it. She had it a couple days before I did, naturally, and then it was my turn. We were sick in canon, and the overlap was misery for both of us. Every time we would try and get up the energy would fade quickly. It could have been worse, her boss actually had to go to the hospital for pneumonia, so I would consider us lucky. I basically just sat on the couch, ate, bought a whole bunch of stuff on eBay and took the best naps ever. Sleeping at night was a bit of a burden due to the stuffiness, but Breathe Right helped a ton. I only get sick once every few years or so and it has to be the plague, basically, for me to contract anything. I don't get sick and that is just the way it is. Enough of that.

I have been getting a little busier with work and every time I post something I made on Facebook the response is great. As I mentioned before I have a very important platinum fabrication coming up. I bought all of the metal, at great prices and a lot of it came with bonus diamonds, on eBay and most of it was a certain alloy that I needed, specifically platinum/iridium, which is perfect for hand fabrication. The two bracelets I make are going to be my calling card. The pressure is on to get them done in a timely manner as I want to have time to fill the eventual Valentines Day orders that will come in. I hate that made up holiday by the way but as long as I can profit from it then I guess I'm fine with always being alone.

Other than that, I don't really have much to talk about, but if anything good comes up I'll be sure to let you all know.

Questions or comments?

New Year, New Me

It has been a while since my last post. The holidays were good for me and I hope they were for you, too. I got a lot of nice things and a few that I really needed/wanted. The Marmot jacket was something that I needed while the Breville Juice Fountain was a little of both. I got a yoga package and a new mat, which obviously complement one another well. I received my favorite pears, Royal Riviera, from Harry & David and they are well worth the price of $25/box of nine (actually I just went on the website and they are two that price and an additional box is only $10 more, the 'cream of the crop' are $37 for six and hands down the best fruit I have ever tasted) and I am sure to be ordering some more shortly. Other than gifts and things I handled all the parties as well as I could and didn't get too mentally tired. I did beat everyone I played at ping pong which was fun. As for the new year, things are changing at a better pace than they were before.

With the aid of the juicer I am eating much healthier than I was previous. I am not a big vegetable person at all, especially when they are heated. The juicer is perfect for me. I put raw carrots, kale and some green apple into it and it comes out as a nice, albeit odd looking, juice. I then add some wheat grass powder to it and then I have a real mega meal, although I still eat the same egg and potato breakfast as before, I just leave the cheese out and have been for a while now. I juice once a day and it is always in the morning with breakfast. The greener I make the juice the better and I feel fantastic mainly in part to never really having had the type of nutrition that the greens provide before now. My workouts, which are yoga once a week and shortly Insanity: Asylum will be a challenge, but I did really well when I used p90x a couple years ago. The program this time around is one month, instead of three, and that is both good and bad. I like to get things over with. The combination of diet and exercise should get me into the best shape of my life, again, and I will feel comfortable enough to finally take and keep my shirt off at yoga.

As far as work goes I am still on my own fulfilling the needs of clients, but not as much as I'd like. Today, as luck would have it, I met with the mother of one of the guys I played college baseball with. She has commissioned me to make three, yes count them three platinum and diamond bracelets for her. This will be a lot of fun and a very nice challenge for me. I am really looking forward to it. She gave me the stones and gold to sell to help pay for the project and some, along with the check she gave me already for the metal, will be divided into getting all the platinum and raw materials I need to get the jobs done. This is a very mutually beneficial project as it gives me both work to do and show off, prompting others to use me and for her, as I am saving her a boat load of money by switching to Kyco (Yes, I made a bad joke here, and my company name is actually Golden Asp Jewelry. If you add a "Y" to the middle part you get Aspy which is the way I thought it was originally spelt before seeing it in its printed form). The bracelets should take me a couple weeks to make and I have to be keen in my fabrication of the piece and then bezel set quite a few stones to get it all to look good. She gave me a sample of what she wants them too look like and I will copy it the best I can, three times. I must say, when we were trying to decide what to make with the stones and went to see what else she liked, she went bonkers when I told her I could copy the bracelet that, while costume, she loved to wear. I will be sure to post pictures of my work in progress and when it is done.

Other than all that, I am still trying to find a regular job that will also allow me to make jewelry. Dad has given me the carrot of buying me a car, an Infitini G37 from a close friend, should I get a job. This isn't like the POS that I drive now, and the guy wants $18,000, so I am really trying harder than before. I am surprised, to say the least, that dad made this offer to me, it truly seems uncharacteristic of him, but then again he and his partner sold every house they built this year, and then some, so I guess he's in a rare very expensive giving mood. Now if I can only convince him of my step moms plan of a 1 ct diamond stud, set in platinum, for each of her ears as an upcoming anniversary gift, then I would really be in business. 

Questions or comments? Let me know.