Welcome to the "Ask an Aspy" blog! This blog is about my life with Asperger's Syndrome up to this point. I am 24 years old and have just graduated college. The reason it took me so long is because I did a post graduate year at a prep school after high school and then graduated a semester late. My September birthday didn't help. My back story is different than most peoples. I was adopted from Colombia by white parents who also adopted two others kids before me. Growing up I never noticed my race until they told me about my past. It came as a shock but I consider myself very lucky. I am definite proof that environment can make people who they are. I was like any other typical kid growing up, just with some slight variations. I did not do some of the things that kids my age were doing, even what some adults did. I always thought of myself as different but could not put a finger on why. A diagnosis at 16 set the facts straight. I did not, however, look far into what having AS meant until 23. This was a mixed blessing in terms of my experiences. When I told my friends about AS they were dumbfounded that I had it all along. They tell me that I had hit it well. I told them that they were not looking hard enough. I get this a lot from people I know. But enough about me.
Let me put one thing out in the open: I am not your typical person with this condition. I am sort of like the missing link between people with AS and neurotypicals (everyone else). In the AS groups that I have been apart of I was the leader. I acted like the mediator between the rest of the group and the teachers/researchers that were observing us at the time. Most of the other people like me I've dealt with have had trouble putting their thoughts into words. I try to help clarify what they mean. You will never figure out how the brain of someone like me works until you explore it in depth. There is a distinction between knowing the path and walking it. I walk it every day.
This blog is dedicated to what people would like to know in regards to AS. Even though a lot of research has been done recently there is still a lot of unexplored territory. Since I am open about my life an experiences (halfway done writing an autobiography, just need a publisher) I have decided to answer any questions that people may have about what people like me are thinking. I have learned so much about myself in the last few months and can answer many questions I used to have. It did not come easy and required many hours of self reflection. Many people like me are not able to open up an express what they are feeling and I feel it’s my job to fill that void. Orally I am not understandable while I shine when it comes to writing and conveying my thoughts that way.
I will do my best to stay away from any clinical explanations and only focus on actual advice that people can learn from and use. I hate it when people categorize me and tell me what I am feeling or what I am capable of. I will try my best not to do that to anyone else. Instead, I will relate your questions as they pertain to my own experiences. From my accounts you should be able to gather sufficient information to determine what the loved one in question is thinking /feeling when in a similar situation.
In this blog you can ask me anything and I will try and give the best response that I can. What I come up with may be humorous to you, both because I'm funny and the way that I think. Mine is truly a different perspective. I will also be posting snippets of my life (and maybe my book) so that readers can better understand who they are dealing with and what the people they love are going through, should our experiences be similar.
My goal with this blog is to bolster knowledge that is associated with Asperger's and allow families who have children with AS to talk about any concerns they have, both with me and one another. By interacting we can grow together. I am a real person and I intend to give real answers that are going to help. So if you have any questions for me, please feel free to ask them. My memory seems to go on forever so you can enjoy asking things that cover a broad range of ages/topics.
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Kyle, my son has Aspergers he was diagnosed at the age of 11 he turns 20 in a few days. What age were you when you found out you are an Aspy? I tried to "friend" you on facebook but there wasn't a way to ask. I'm Jan Bennett Cannon on facebook.
ReplyDeleteJan,
ReplyDeleteI was in my mid 16th year, so 2002. I took the diagnosis as sort of a label more than anything else. A label I did not tell anyone else about. I did not want to be put in any special classes or anything like that. I did not really look into some of the research that was available until last February. That was an eye opener to me. It let me know that some of the things that I did and thought were weird, were acceptable for my brains way of thinking. I am sure you have questions for me that you do not want to ask your son. I will gladly answer them for you as I am comfortable with myself. All you have to do is ask. Hopefully my book will fill the void that is open for late adolescent and collge Asperger's. I believe that in those years the mind has the most doubt and fear as everyone around you is doing things that you would like to do but still cannot understand how. I hope my answer has helped you and that you will ask me more questions. Please tell others abut this blog.
Kyle,
ReplyDeleteI have a 14 year old son just diagnosed with AS. I thought he was a perfectionist for many years, but when he started getting bullied in JR High, I knew something elese was up.
How did your parents help you the most? I want to protect him, but give him space and not embarass him..thanks! Dee
Dee,
ReplyDeleteBullying is always a very tough part of life for someone with AS. Younger kids can't understand that someone is different they have a field day with it. In my case I was not that assertive and hated confrontation (still do) and I would never fire anything back at those giving me grief. If I did say anything back it only gave them more ammunition. The best thing for him to do is to ignore it as much as he can. This can be very hard to do but it is the best option. I was bullied all through high school, my PG year at Worcester Academy and lesser in college. He will learn to take the comments in stride and they will roll off after a time. I myself developed a very thick skin. My parents gave me so much space that they did not even know that I was bullied, I never showed it was going on. It came as quite a shock to them when they read my chapter on it. Who knew a short, minority kid would be an easy target for bullies? I was always concerned that if my parents did intervene at school it would only get worse. That I will never know for sure.
It may be tough for you as a parent but you have to let him try to fight his own battles. If it ends up getting physical then that is a different story. I was never in a fight but words can still do damage. You have to understand that these kids are not going to be around forever but, then again, when he goes off to college you are not going to be able to help him either. Bullies do tire and if he does not let them bother him they will look elsewhere. This is why it is important that he learn how to deal with it now. He is always going to be different. How he chooses to cope with it will ultimately define his overall character. I do not let peoples insults phase me anymore, it just does not happen. I only take a comment to heart if it is true, and very few of them are.
The key with any anger he may feel lies in unleashing it in an acceptable manner. I know some people with AS are clumsy but if he can do a sport then that would be a great way to hone his discipline and make more friends. Having other people to back you up when people are coming at you is always good. With bullying it is always better to have safety in numbers.
One thing I suggest you do is talk to him about it, gauge the severity of the situation and ask what he wants to be done. If you think he can handle it on his own after discussing what I wrote here, then great. If not then you should try and intervene as little as possible if you decide to do something about it. The mid teens can be a very confusing age and other people giving you a hard time never helps.
The best thing you can do is listen to what he wants. Let him know you are there to aid him but also let him know he has to learn how to handle it himself. It will take time and it will not be easy for either of you to go through, but it is the best course to take. I hope this answer has helped. If you have any more concerns I will gladly help advise you through them.
Thank you, Kyle. I think a person does not know what love is until he or she has a child. Thank you for your valuable insight! Dee
ReplyDeleteHi Kyle, My son was diagnosed with Aspergers in 2008 aged 7. I worry about his future and what it will be like for him. He is lucky currently in primary school and seem to be "managing". How did you cope moving to secondary school.
ReplyDeleteTeresa
Teresa,
ReplyDeleteInitially, the first two days, I did not enjoy myself in 6th grade. I was very nervous and the teacher had to give me crackers to calm my stomach down. My parent's were worried about me, too. We didn't know I had AS at that point so it was not even considered a possible factor.
I had a lot of self induced anxiety. I was paranoid that I would forget my locker combination or be late for class. It may sound like something small now, but back then it was scary for me. I figured everything out after a couple days and was fine from then on.
One good thing for me is that I was redistricted to another school for 5th grade (our house being built was not ready) so I was forced to acclimate. I knew just about everyone because the two schools pooled together at the middle school. Looking back at it now this was good for me. I did lose touch with some of the kids the year I was at the other school. My friendships were not what they once were and that was a downside. What was very important is that knowing more people gave me less to be afraid of, as much of my anxiety is with people, especially those I don't know.
The schedule change did not affect me that much. It was just getting up an hour earlier and the entire grade was divided into "teams" of teachers and students. My team 6A, was composed of two teacher with classrooms side by side and we learned that way. Other teams, 6B and 6C, had more teachers and were larger. You'd meet up with others at gym or lunch.
Middle school is where the bullying, verbal, started to come around for me. On kid gave me a real hard time. Hormones and things of that sort start to come into play because people's brains go through a lot at that age. I was also too trusting. I'd say I was an easy target.
The only changes that you should worry about are schedule and social based. A recess of games was replaced with sitting at table or standing outside talking. I did not stay in on place too long or engage in enough conversation. I saw myself as different even back then. That sort of hit me hard and I was not good at coping with just hanging around and talking. That was the most difficult part for me.
My transition to high school comparatively was very easy. I didn't have a worry in the world freshman year. My brain was more developed at that point and things just fell into place.