Repost: Bikram Yoga and the 14th Board(s)

For over five years I have been doing Bikram Yoga. I originally felt the need to do so because I was getting tight from weight lifting and a little loose in the mid-section from eating. I have stayed on because it works, in every since of the word. It is a total body workout and helps heal at the same time. The carpal tunnel symptoms in my wrist have gone away and my surgically repaired right shoulder feels so good I may return to baseball at some point. Just like anything else worthwhile, it is not easy. The room itself is 105F and some of the postures would make Gumby scream. By the end of it all you are simply a deluge of sweat. As with all things, though, I have noticed a few things while moving through the practice.

As I had when I played baseball, I tend to go through the same routine before each session. I get to the studio at least a half hour early and run up the stairs like a mountain goat. I greet, or am greeted and I simply nod, the teacher at the desk and take my shoes off before signing in. If the room is empty enough (there may have been a class before) I put my mat and towel down in the same exact spot as I have had the majority of my seven hundred(?) classes. I then either stretch a little bit, depending on the time, or exit the room to see who else is arriving. I  do a leg stretch on the windows to see my yoga friends as they park their cars, and i know most of the car/yogi combinations. I greet a few of them as they walk in, unless I'm in the room getting myself ready. I usually wet my hair five minutes before class starts; to give myself a head start. If I feel loose enough from stretching, and I usually try to hit every muscle I can (a habit from my playing days) I wander out and chat with either Elaine, Leslie, Deb,  ED, Rob Dr. W. or whomever is sitting on the benches. The time of day it is depends on who is present, as some people go early in the day or later depending on their schedules. With a few minutes left until class I check to see if I must evacuate any more fluids from my body before entering the room for good.

Oddly enough I position myself in the front of the class, on the left middle area right in front of the studio length mirror. I don't get nervous at all being here and most of the people who have been coming a while practice in the front. You think as someone with AS I wouldn't want everyone in the room to have the option of staring at me. People are so busy doing their own practice that it doesn't matter. There is that and also the fact that each time I look in the mirror I get to stop and think how cute I look (although I’m still the dateless wonder). I'm dressed in all blue (not surprisingly to those in the know about why that color is significant) and even my hand towel and water bottle are shades of it. I wish the company who made my mat had the proper color available, which they didn't at the time I bought it, but I can always get another. 

We start off with a breathing exercise, after the instructor gives a speech to any first timers, and sometimes I mutter Good luck ****ers under my breath to mark their presence as newcomers. Just as the instructor says “stare into the mirror and enjoy your practice” I put on the face that many people don’t get to see, ever, at least without my sunglasses on. It is a blank piercing stare that has a ability to make people nervous, trust me I know. There is nothing behind my eyes during this time and I appear to be staring through the mirror at something in the back of the building. It is funny (to me) but it looks like a face that could be either on the verge of tears or a person who’s seen a ghost. I can look surprised at times, surprised without showing any emotion, if that is even possible. Coincidentally it is also a face of concentration and in class it does double duty. If I reach up to scratch my eye or something I won't even blink.

I will break character if something funny happens, and I do laugh at every joke (no matter how small) the teacher works into the dialogue. I'm a complete slave to the dialogue and hang on every word and nuance. I will do whatever they tell me to, except murder; that's the line. When to floor series arrives, and the person next to me is a good friend, I will break any tension remaining by doing what I affectionately refer to as The Face. In between the first and second sets and, timing it perfectly with what the teacher is saying, I turn my head real fast towards the person on my right and greet them with one of the goofiest looks they have ever seen. After the brief moment has passed I go back to my standard expression, hopefully notching another laugh on my belt from the person the look was intended for. Timing is key and sometimes the whole thing goes unnoticed, and every meow and again I will get the bonus of the teacher seeing it. There is also a lot of time to relax between killing yourself in the postures on the floor.

I am still able to effectively think about other things during the little savasana 's or breaks between each posture. Try as I might, my mind is never able to go completely blank. It is like trying to calm down a tornado. I usually don't have time to think too long because I'm just trying to relax as much as possible after the last posture, and before the next. It's not long, only 20 seconds or so. There is a 2 minute break after the standing series when we all lie down on our mats with our eyes open. Our eyes are supposed to be open for the entire 90 minutes. I strategically position myself near the same little heat vent, that protrudes from the duct work, each class. This is partly because it is in good alignment with the mirror in front of me (we all hate getting stuck in the middle of the mirror line crack) and the other being the board ceiling scheme I relate to. In the little area I have chosen the ceiling has fourteen boards ( it has more in that section but fourteen of which are encompassed in a little bordered off area composed of the duct work) and the two on the ends, each #14 if you were to count from either direction, are a little different than the rest. If realized that they represent me very well. As always, let me explain.

The first board is small and sort of half hidden by the wall border, but it is clear that you could see more of it if it wasn't occluded. What could be back there? Perhaps a larger more interesting piece that would be worthwhile to get to know? It’s like an ice berg that you see but don't know how much more lies hidden beneath the frigid emotionless ocean. This is also the board that represents Asperger’s. You can’t see the whole picture of any person just by looking at them, and this is for any case. People can have a lot of different things going on upstairs, some with more toys in the attic than others. Some you want to know about, some you don’t, and most people aren't open about that stuff anyways. I’m not most people. The second board is much wider, cracked and in plain sight.

This board only feels ugly but denies itself of the character it has and tries to hide it from everyone else, although it does so in plain sight. The color is a little darker than all the others so it is easy to point out and laugh at. Then again this board doesn't care what you think of it (boards don't have feelings anyways) and even if it did the insults are water off a ducks back.

The first board is me now, still a sheltered person who is hiding from who he wants to be. People are always trying to expose my other half but I still don't think I am ready. There is a lot of potential there if the right person (woman) were to take a look. The second board is me before I lost 20 pounds (again). I was unhappy with the way I looked but didn't have enough drive to do much about it. I just went on for years living in disgust of myself. That person has nearly disappeared, but I am still not ready to fully become the other board just yet.

I share all this with you because Bikram Yoga Merrimack Valley is like my other family. I feel at home and welcome there. You may have realized that there is something different about me and it's in your nature to separate differences in people whether you know it or not. I count the lights, mirrors and windows in the studio compulsively( 14, 9 and 7, respectively). I do have to act around you most of the time, as fitting in socially isn't one of my strong points. I'm not big on small talk, and saying hello and asking how your day is going isn't something I'm good at. I tend to give you a nod as my form of acknowledgement. I’m don’t change to suit people nor do I expect them to do so for me. The fact is, being around people puts more stress on my brain than I really need. Reading and picking up all of the social cues, interpreting what is meant in language, both verbal and non verbal, is very taxing after a few hours. I have tempered my brain over the years and no when to pursue and when to back off. Luckily yoga doesn't last that long and none of you have seen me when my social skills are gone, only returning when I take a nap or completely isolate myself. I doubt you ever will see what it is really like at that point and luckily I don't leave the house until that time is over. I didn't even let my mom see it when I lived with her. You're not missing much as I’m like talking to a wall at that point.

As far as autism and yoga go I'm not the only one who visits the BYMV studio, but I'll leave that person to tell you their own story. 

Feel free to read any post you want on here and make comments as you choose. I update often enough. Just don’t post on my Facebook wall, as that is public. Private message me via Facebook or you can write anything you choose for this blog ONLY, anything else will be erased. Some of the stuff on here gets personal, OK a lot of it does. I don’t mind. The more Neurotypicals can understand about people on the Autism Spectrum the better. I'm in the position where I can speak for people, so I choose to. We are really not as mechanical as people think, although that can vary based on a lot of factors. There is a lot on here that is covered in previous posts and reading them will give you a greater understanding. This blog is public, but finding it sure isn't easy. I only show people I know and share a mutual respect for. Keep in mind that I’m 29, not 5, so don’t treat me any different than before I gave you this knowledge. And trust me, I’ll know if you are. 

What Is The Deal With My Hearing?

Since I was younger I have noticed a sort of constant static sound. I hear it most if not all the time. I only don't notice it because there is so much else in this world to hear. But once I hear it, like the ticking of a clock you notice in a room and then can't stand, I am stuck concentrating on it for a while. It may sound odd but I don't truly know why I hear this way. I try and describe it as 'listening to yourself hear. I don't know if this is AS related or how it could have come up. Let's go through some of the possibilities.

Loud noises such as whistles being blown near the ear or any other unannounced loud stimuli have never given me a problem. I don't necessarily block them out as I do ignore them. I have realized that they are going to occur whether I want them to or not and whining about it doesn't do anything. This may, like dealing with bullying and my overall mental toughness, be a temperament thing. I am able to get used to pretty much anything. Since I was younger, around five years old, i have heard my heart beat through my ear canal as I try to sleep. This gets annoying and the doctor said it is likely a fluid build up that can be drained, although I didn't ask how that is done. Still, my hearing is second to none, as was discussed in my earlier post Parade of the Senses: Hearing. Like the static that I usually hear I can easily detect a new static presence. If a TV is on but the screen is dark, or in a closed cabinet as it was in high school, I know as soon as I enter the room. I realize its not a groundbreaking feat, but it happens.

The static noise may be caused by metal detecting for the last thirteen years. A blast through the headphones every now and again from a large target could have taken a toll. Then what about all of the whisper like signals I frequently hear? Some barely register at all and I have to re-sweep the ground to make sure I really heard something. Is that my ability to hyper concentrate and notice changes or my keen hearing, maybe both? Loud music could also have been a factor.

I like my music on the louder side, but mostly so I can hear every little note as well as background noise. There are so many layers to 60s, 70s and other classic rock that I enjoy hearing. In fact if you listen to Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here, the original and not the remaster, you will hear the background static and wind like noise. Although much more subtle than that, this is what I hear constantly. There is no crackling, just a low noise that does not change in pitch or volume. You may think that this noise is enough to drive a person insane, but I do just fine.

I would like to try going in a soundproof room just to see if all of the electrical interference noise that is emitted by everyday items around the house or any given area might be the cause. After I notice static fields and all the devices may be to blame. Until I find out for certain, I guess I will never know.

Questions? Let me know.

How My Heart Equals My Brain (This gets personal)

Before I was told by an assessment that I had AS I had to take another test completely unrelated. I think I was either fifteen or sixteen and the doctor noticed that my heartbeat was not in sync. He was worried, as all doctors who don't wish to be sued are, about me possibly having an irregular ticker. For a day I was made to a heart monitor that would enable them to take a large enough sample from and determine if my irregular heartbeat was life threatening. The concluded that it was not and that I could resume playing sports. I do notice that, after physical activity, my heart does skip beats or does some odd rhythmic combination. The nurse taking my heartbeat before I gave blood one time asked if I had been tested, and I said I had and not to worry about it. Only a few months after learning that my heart was irregular I was told my brain was also. This had larger ramifications that I am still uncovering. The two are connected, however, but not scientifically as you are probably thinking. Look at the date of this post and you will understand.

It's not easy finding someone when you heart beat is not the same as theirs. After all isn't love finding someone whom your heart beats for? If you add into the mix that my brain will never be on the same page as an you NT's then you see where the problem lies. Right now you're probably wondering why I don't date someone like myself. Easier said than done. While she would understand what I am going through most people like us aren't into the touchy feeling stuff other people are. I am, though, and it may be too much for her. If there is one thing that I was given that is 'normal' then it would be sexual drive. My desire is just as strong as any other man but the kicker is that I don't have the social skills with women to be able to get to that point. I don't like confrontation as it sets off my fight or flight response. I've never dated and didn't even go to prom, and I was a star athlete in high school. By the time college rolled around (even though I played baseball there) I'd missed out on too much in the female department, and news travels fast. I'm sure I could have found some naive freshmen my junior or senior year but that time has passed. There is no one to blame but myself.

Aside from all of the above, why don't I just try to date a NT? Well, how is she going to understand? If I spill the beans she's likely to think I'm not capable of love or anything meaningful. When people hear the words autism or autism spectrum they assume things. There assumptions would be correct IF they were true. They don't even hear the word spectrum, just autism. If they knew that there were various arrays of autism and that we are not all like Rainman then I might finally get somewhere. I can't force them to believe anything. Being on the shorter side height wise doesn't help much either.

All the women on the dating sites I am on want a tall man, for reasons you can figure out for yourself. In my situation I don't need a '10' to start off with, just some girl who doesn't weigh twice as much as me. As for all the women who have messaged me, well, take a wild guess. I decided to play a little mind game with that, and since I'm only interested in casual dating at the moment because I'll be leaving for three months, I put my headline up as "If your deal-breaker is height, mine is IQ>120". This is appropriate because if they were smart enough to look past what they think is a flaw then they would see what they're missing out on. I understand no one will deduce that from reading that but, until I get back, who gives a shit. It will be nice to put 'Profession Goldsmith' into the occupation field and have some pictures of me at work. Women like jewelry, right?

One thing though, that I probably shouldn't even say but I'm going to, is that I don't want to end up with the first girl I meet. My teammates in college said that would happen to me. "Where is the fun in that?" and I must say I agree. I'm still young. I'm not saying I'm going to cheat (look up AS as it relates to love and you will see that one of the characteristics is extreme loyalty) but I have to at least see what's out there. Even so, how is she going to understand the lack of emotion she is used to, not being able to understand the nonverbal cues or why I'm awkward in most social situations? One thing I am capable of is moving on, and I know that means hurting people, which I don't like to do but I'm sure it will be necessary at some point.

It comes down to this: Find a woman my heart will beat for but she has to have a brain that can accept mine. She needs to be so mentally tough like myself by not taking the easy way out (after all I haven't turned to a hooker or gone after jail bait) and not be derailed by simple pitfalls. I know you're thinking it, but just in case...."Good luck!".

My Natural Speaking Voice

Honestly I don't know which voice is the one I started out with. I enjoy doing other peoples voices, so you could say I'm a mimic of sorts. I do so many others that I'm not sure which one is my own anymore. The typical Aspy voice is characterized by being very monotone, almost forced. I sound like a robot without any excitement in my voice. But I don't know if I have to try to do that voice, like a British actor doing an American voice or it comes naturally.

My voice took a dramatic change when I was eleven years old. I was at a friends birthday sleep over and then next morning I called my Mom for a ride home. She asked "Who is this?" and I had to answer a couple questions to verify who I was. I was puzzled as to why she made me do this and it wasn't until I realized that my voice had in fact changed that I knew why.

The way my friends from college know my voice is a very fast, rambling set of sounds that can loosely be described at sentences. one of my nick names among my teammates was 'subtitles'. This is completely true. When I talk, and am excited about something, much can be lost in translation. Most people just nod suggestively as most things I say are not important to begin with. I sometimes give friends this exact disclaimer, as funny as that may sound. Once again I don't know if this voice is natural or not, but it is one I have been using for quite some time so it might be. People do have an effect on me, so maybe being around them has a say on what my voice will sound like at any given time.

As far as other voices are concerned I like to do them because it distracts me from my own. I hate how I sound on the phone or anything that has been recorded. I don't feel that it sounds like me at all. This may all not sound important but voice is part of identity, and you always want to feel like yourself. The reason I do voices is sometimes I want to feel like someone else. There is one voice that does not change, however. That would be the one in my head.