Tuesday, November 27, 2012

The Holiday Rush

At this time I am experiencing more stress than usual, and for a good reason. People like to give jewelry to their significant others during the holidays and that is the business I am in. I've been into Boston (the Jewelers Building specifically) for supplies and the like about once a week, which is about normal for me, but the volume of things I have been buying has risen dramatically. I recently bought a whole bunch of different size stud earring settings in 14k white gold to make earrings out of the loose diamonds I have accumulated over the past few months. Some are small, some are a little bigger but each is one in the same. The pressure is on me to set the stones and make sure everything looks good. Although the settings are not too expensive I'd rather not screw any up. I'll keep my fingers crossed on that one. The fact is, though, that my training in Nashville is really being used on a daily basis now. I have a ability to make a lot of money in a short amount of time and by golly I'm giving it everything I've got. There will be plenty of time for me to sleep after the holidays, but I still need to think ahead to Valentines Day (which is for me personally the worst day of the year) is right around the corner. Hopefully by then I will be able to do higher value products, as well as much of the same as I am currently. I am trying to accommodate most budgets, presently, but if someone wants a custom made ring then all they have to do is ask. I will make sure to post as often as I can but I have to try to keep my stress to a minimum, as I always do, so I don't get burnt out. Until next time. 

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Asperger's: Is What I'm Feeling 'Normal'?

I always used to wonder, and sometimes still to this day, if what I was feeling was 'Normal'. By normal I mean 'is this the way that other people feel in a given situation. The way their brain processes things, is it the same as mine?' First you have to define what is normal, and for whom.

The fact is that you can't be on the same page as everyone else if you don't know how they feel in certain situations. Does the anxiety of someone kick in, like yours may, during the same situation and to what degree? I didn't really have the option to ask this question when I was younger, either because of fear or embarrassment or a million other reasons. I did, in time, come to realize that not all people have the same reaction as myself to certain situations, what I was feeling was 'normal' to me that is. I didn't until recently discover that a lot of what I was feeling was typical of my fellow AS community was feeling. But like the spectrum of autism as a whole the reaction level depends on the persons back ground and history. The one thing that all this information doesn't do is make said feelings go away, only time and experience can help with that, if you let it. Some things you want to stay sensitive to, like bullshit and knowing when something could be too good to be true. Everyday anxiety over little things does get better, though, and the whole process comes with maturity. I know there will always be a frightened child inside my head but the part of my brain that I developed to shut him up is how I deal with that.

The best way to decide for yourself is something is 'normal' is to observe people in the same circumstance. This can make you feel both jealous and proud. There are certain small things presently struggle with but some major things that I know others cannot handle are easy for me and just like AS itself that can be hard to understand/explain for other people. Seinfeld made a joke that sort of proves my point:

"I don't understand how a woman can take boiling hot wax, pour it on upper thighs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider." 

That puts it into perspective I guess, or maybe not. Either way you look at it know that what you are feeling is normal to you and that is doesn't really matter how other people can deal with it, because at that very moment they are not you, going through something that you might not understand and feeling like you are the only one in the world who has ever had that problem. Luckily for me I can think outside of the moment and give myself advice about how to react as I am going through something uncomfortable. This took a long time to learn to do but I know when everyone else is panicking I am clear headed and busy thinking of a solution; of course that could all be reversed based on the situation. Why do you think I haven't asked a girl out yet?

Monday, October 29, 2012

Hurricane Sandy & Future Post Ideas

Well the winds a blowin' here in Massachusetts. Hopefully we don't lose power here again like we did last year (that was a fun week) and this whole things just blows over, no pun intended. I will be doing more posts this week and a couple will be going into different avenues, thought wise, then before. It is amazing the things you think about in your free time if you take the time to let your thoughts develop. Thoughts about what you are feeling and whether it is 'normal' should be a good topic and hopefully open up some discussion, a thing that is really lacking on this blog. It should be an interesting week either way. Check back often, I'll be writing/waiting for you!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

How to Deal with Change

"The more things change the more they stay the same". This is surely a quote you have heard many times in your life. When I first heard it, at around 12 years old it confused me, at first. I thought to myself 'how can things change and stay the same, isn't that a paradox (although I'm not sure I used that word at the time). I did figure out what it meant by experience, I guess. Per usual I'm going to start by talking about the past.
Our house was always changing. As the seasons came and went so did the designs that went with them. Halloween, Christmas, and spring brought about a new crop of colors to the house, and the fact that it was a large house (5000 sq ft) the decorations were pretty expansive. My mom saw the house as a canvas she had free reign on. I'm not sure how my dad felt, but he had to pay for it. Sometimes we would get a new couch or something larger and, for me, it was just another thing to get used to. In talking with my AS group while at college I found out that a couple kids hated it when their parents got new furniture, you could say the change terrified them. I guess its because the outside world is supposed to do all the changing, not the place they hold sacred; their house. From what I have gathered Aspy' care less open to change than other people. I used to have a quote (well I guess I still have it) about how I saw change. "The more things change, the more          I stay the same". It's not anything special, but it does say a lot about who I am.
I tend to have a loose schedule about what I have planned for the next day. I don't have it set in stone and I am actually quite flexible. There is no danger of me freaking out because I'm about to miss Wapner. If something comes up, I adjust. Life isn't always that perfect harmonic symphony, where all the notes are in order and each consecutive part comes in at the right time. It's more of just a jam band session where the people playing know the notes, but they aren't as on point as they think. The one thing I have the most trouble with in terms of planning for and then getting interrupted is food. I hate it when I am sitting down to a meal and then am forced to do something else and only an emergency is understandable at this time. If I make up my mind to do something later in the week then I tend to go, not matter what. There is a college story about how my car broke down and I HAD to borrow someones so I could drive down to KFC. I know, that is very odd, but once I get a certain type of food on the brain something just takes over. Some of the OCD things I do can fall into this category, sort of.
I usually walk down the street avoid the lines in the sidewalk, preferring to stay in between them on the solid parts of the squares that make up the path. This seems typical of some people. If I can't avoid the line, then I'm fine. This is not typical, however, and I just move on. Even while playing baseball I did something like this but that is more of an ingrained and accepted thing to be superstitious. Each time out the mound I would leap over the line that separated the grass, the base path, to avoid the white line. This line I avoided at all costs during a game, but like I said it can be unavoidable during practice when we are doing sprints and you had to touch it. To this day I think I'm the only Colombian afraid of white line. That was an attempt at humor, by the way. The thing about me and OCD is that I never got to the point where it interfered with my daily life. I have never had to do something so long that I missed something else entirely. I can deal with the fact that its not perfect and move on. True, I do like the toilet paper to be cleanly cut to the next piece after I'm done with it, but that doesn't take too long. I'm lucky with that , I guess, but many people with severe OCD are not, and its sad. Going back to what I was saying about the seasons changing, there is one thing that does so with it. This is something I could care less about and is a waste of money in my mind, fashion.
 Now women are all about fashion, I should know, having lived with two of them for a year during college. Heather had 23 pairs of just blue jeans, so many shoes it made me sick and sweaters, shirts, jackets and enough other things to make me wonder why. She had over $10,000 in there, by her own estimates, and that was only part of her wardrobe. I realize most women are like this, and I assume they realize they can't wear it all at once. As for me, I am not a person who is trendy when it comes to this department. I like my clothes to last a while, and the seasons don't matter. I wear pants 365 and I only put on shorts when I'm working out or going to the beach. There are reasons for this that I'm not going into now. As for the top half I tend to wear shirts that are all one color or limited colors, nothing that can be described as 'busy' in terms of design. I  wear a lot of black, just not enough where you would think I'm Amish. I don't like to stand out like a peacock. I prefer to stay low on peoples radar. In public I can be very elusive, getting in and out of an area and on with things. The only kinds of shopping I like are food and jewelry, although I am making more of the latter myself. The jewelry shopping is strictly for resell, as I now have a rule that I can't wear anything I don't make myself. I never pay retail and do a lot of browsing on eBay, clothes included. I don't buy jeans on eBay, just shirts and shoes many used or just slightly. Yard sales and thrift shops are a common place to see me, albeit for too long. I have shirts that I have had for two years. I'm not at the point where anything has holes in it but I use items until they are worn out and this goes for almost everything I own. I buy things that last and don't mind paying more for quality. And if you can get quality for a bargain then all the better.

I don't really no where to go with the rest of this post and I may have to add more, so let me sum up: Change is going to happen whether you are prepared for it or not, so be flexible and understand this important fact. It's funny but I think my increased flexibility has come in part from Bikram Yoga, but that could only be a biased opinion. My next post sort of has to do with change again, but this time its more about letting go (in all its different forms) and the troubles people have with that. It is aptly titled "How to get over things" and the contents may surprise you.


Questions or Comments? Let me know.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Disappointment & Shame, With a Hilarious Silver Lining

So I woke up last Tuesday, October 2nd and it was my sisters birthday, but that doesn't come into this story much (I called her at 8:30am, was the last in the family to do so, and sort of felt like a dick but I got over it). So that morning at was looking in the mirror and I noticed a small mark on my face that surely was not there the night before. I didn't think much of it and continued on my way. Over the next couple of days the mark grew in size and and spread a little. I began to think what it could be. Now I don't smoke cigarettes and never will (I did have a cigar at a bachelor party recently and it was fun and will probably do it again, but that's the line) but I have been known, on occasion to smoke something else. Go ahead, judge all you want, but I did cover this topic in an earlier post and describe the brief but very noticeable 'benefits' that this plant has on me. Anyhow, I was certain that by passing a joint around I had gotten my first cold sore aka herpes simplex. Right then I looked up pictures of it and sure enough they matched. When I picked up some Abreva at the drug store the tech on duty told me that it looked like herpes. I felt like a leper, doomed to walk the earth with this shit on my face forever, although not all at the same time, just whenever it broke out again. According to my dad, who like many people has it, I would be getting an outbreak about three times a year at most and maybe even far less often. I still felt bad, real bad. I was going through the 'seven stages of grief'  and got stuck on number four for a couple of days. I just couldn't stop feeling bad for myself and you already know how lonely I am to begin with. 


 I kept looking ahead in my mind about how to tell a girl and when (providing I meet one soon) about how every so often I would be getting mouth sores and then I would imagine her reaction. Either way you look at it can't be good because if she has it as well, I would have to be ultra cautious about not wanting it on my private areas or the other option; she runs away so fast that all you see are ass and elbows flailing. I don't think anyone would understand, I think for me that would be a deal breaker because things don't always work out and it seems like people are getting divorces just for fun these days. Armed with the better cream I got from dad, I prepared to embark on my new life of dodging glances (and to think I was just getting comfortable around people). The cream seemed to be good and dried out the area well, unlike Carmex which, according to the late Mitch Hedberg, was "cold sore hi-lighter". Friday evening came along and I was looking at my FaceBook news feed when a post from Deb Marree came up. You know those people who post political crap on their walls and make sure everyone knows their opinion? Well that is what Deb does,  with food and how it should be natural, but her posts are actually beneficial (like for instance you should only buy organic strawberries because all the non-organic ones have so much crap put into them it isn't worthwhile to eat at that point) to people who take the time to read them. I love food, a lot, so I read mostly all of them. Now Deb is a woman who contacted me from down under, literally she lives in Australia to help her son out with some autism related questions, which I was happy to answer. So I was reading a post that showed a rash on someones arm and her caption for the shared photo was 'I wasn't surprised to see "Autism" on this post !' didn't read the post but in the comments section, and by some miracle of God this was the first one so I didn't need to scroll down or open 'see all comments' to see it was the following "Ryan, it's not the actual mango you are allergic to, it's the skin. The peel contains urushiol, like poison ivy. Use gloves. (so I've heard) Don't believe everything i tell you!..lol" Three guesses to who ate fresh mango on Monday. Not only did I eat fresh mango but after taking it out of the fridge, you age them like a pear in a brown paper bag at room temperature and then put them in the fridge so they don't spoil. So the fruit was a little stiff around the core and I decided it was too hard to cut off with the knife so I just stuck my face in full force like a fat kid eating a chocolate bar. I rubbed my lips up against the skin and tried to get every last bit of fruit left. Now I had no idea that mangoes had urushiol, the same oil that causes the poison ivy rash in the skin and 5 mm into the fruit. This was the biggest relief I a have ever had in my life! Now I'm not going to say it doesn't itch like a mother and I haven't had poison ivy for around six years as I tend to freak out when I see three pointed green leaves mixed with red ( I even thought maple tree sprouts were poison ivy plants once upon a time). So I had a rash I knew a lot more about than the herpes I was sure I had. I simply washed my blankets, pillow covers, sheets, towels and clothes and yoga mat/towel because we do one posture in Bikram where you put your mouth on the towel, and I had eaten the mango the last day I did yoga. 
So there you have it. I was freaking out about having herpes when it was a case of mango-induced poison ivy rash. Everyone I told this story nearly died laughing when I told them that part and I can easily see why.  
As for me I have sworn of eating fresh mango for good, or at least letting it touch my lips and hands and I will certainly not be cutting up any myself. It should also be known that today my mom was relating the story around the office and a coworker was amazed to find out that her daughter, who had been to the doctor many times and even he was baffled by the sores she had in her mouth and on her lips, had her regular fresh mango eating habit to blame for it. My mom said the daughter 'lived off mangoes', according to the coworker. I guess she has to get off that wagon for good too. I think I’ll just settle for the lightly dried and bagged mango pieces I had while at Worcester Academy back in 2005, as they never gave me a bit of trouble. 

Questions or Comments? I’ll gladly pay for your stitches if you split your side with laughter. 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

My Two Brains (Part 2) I Am A Child

So going back to what I was saying about my two brains. One is an overly cautious person while the other, newer one is someone who basically gives the weaker brain the finger. Now I don't know if what I'm about to describe to you is part of one brain or the other, or it may be part of both. Either way, this is the childlike part of me, and it isn't going anywhere.

I have an affinity for animals and they seem to trust me more than other people. This may be because they don't argue with you as much as a human would. You come home and they are so overjoyed to see you that nothing else at that point matters to them. As if to say "How was your day?!" in all its glorious variations they run at you with reckless abandon. I receive them as they receive me. If feel like they should understand me and take me as I am, I almost feel entitled to it, like I earned it or something. The feeling is really hard to describe, but its true. It doesn't really ever get old. I see dogs on the street and walk up to their owners and ask to pet them. Sometimes I even go to the MSPCA just to pet the kittens or puppies, as a  way to relieve stress, maybe. These are all things, besides the one that involves driving, that a child would do. Complete innocence is behind all of these actions and I am not afraid to look like an idiot in public when I ask the owner for a quick pet of their animal or make baby noises as I play with it. They can think whatever they want to, I probably won't be seeing them any time soon, so I don't worry about it. I am also good at various animal noises and such, birds cats and the like. I think this goes along with my lower/meets higher brain function I described in the earlier post entitled Call Me Captain Caveman. Besides my peculiar love and apparent connection with animals I do a couple things that could be categorized as 'child like' behavior.

Have you ever seen a baby smile and clap their hands vigorously in appreciation of something? Have you ever seen a grown man do it? This is perhaps the most goofy thing I do on a regular occasion, although I have to pin my hands down in public from doing so. This phenomenon, if you will, is typical brought on by an exciting thing/event being announced, tension mounting in a movie, the celebration of a live sporting event such as a walk-off home run or touchdown, or even the anticipation of substantial bids being placed as the seconds close down to zero on one of my eBay auctions. The bottom line is something exciting it always a trigger for this behavior. I first realized I did this a few years ago. I was watching TV and something exciting was happening so I broke out into a full clap like one of those cymbal toting toy monkeys. I hit the pads of my hands, just where all the fingers join to the hand, and it lasted for around three seconds. I mentally caught myself this time; I guess I had never done that before or didn't remember it. I didn't know where the clapping had come from and it seemed like such a lower brain function that I had to look it up to see if it meant anything. Well we all know it did. Still it didn't seem any less weird to me. Most things happen for a reason and some can't be explained. There is another thing that I do which is very childlike but it is something everyone does, more or less, to an extent.

When I get tired (and this is usually the mental variety) my patience, which is normally other worldly, along with my ability to concentrate, problem solve and do any type of higher reasoning goes right out the window. I also seem to be zombie like and my ability to carry on a meaningful conversation becomes that of trying to talk to a wall. I'm not sure but I think this is my brain trying to either conserve energy or regain it. The ONLY way that I have ever learned to deal with this problem, and it is a major one, is to self isolate. If I don't or you want me to be social, it isn't going to end well for everyone involved. You know how tired children get when you force them to interact? Just like the clapping thing, picture that happening with an adult; it isn't pretty. People who know me well know I have to flee at these times and not a whole lot can be done about it. The funny thing is I can sit alone in my workshop for eight hours and do the most intricate stuff, almost in a trance, but if you put me with people for less than four hours then I'm fried. Granted, the working alone does put me in 'the zone' and that is hard to get out of sometimes but at least I can still deal with people during this time. At this that time I am just like anyone else who is in 'the zone', hyper-focused.

So there you have it, for now. I will have to add more later in this subject I am sure of that. To sum up I have two brains. One is an adult who is more control now than before. He is rational and thinks ahead. The other is an overanxious fool who needs to be told the truth more often than not. The thing about these two brains is that they share a child who will always stay innocent and pure, no matter how often the parents need to fight. 

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Fighting the Strep Throat Virus

My brother Jeff definitely had strep throat and was in my car, passenger side, when we all went to the drive in movie theatre in Maine. He has been out of commission with the real bug but my glands have only been swollen for the past two days, felt it on the first day, though, at yoga so there is a chance I will beat it. I'm taking it easy at the moment but will post once I feel better. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Clothes I Wear


I'm not what you would call fashion forward. I find something I like and stick with it. The seasons change but I stay the same. The outside world doesn't really have an effect on me as far as clothing goes. I tend to wear black shirts and more blue now for obvious reasons. People may call this boring, then again they are not me. I have even re-dyed clothing so it will last longer. I never wear shorts unless I am around the house or going to the beach. One reason for this is my constant fear of poison ivy carrying dogs and my own cat. Another, and more original reason, is that when I first started making jewelry I was pouring a lot of my own silver and was afraid of it spilling over and landing on my leg. I do wear a leather apron to prevent this, but I have become comfortable in pants, and comfort it king. I wear pants all year, even on 100F days. People think I'm crazy for doing this but I never complain.

The clothes I wear are also usually no design or bright color free. I like to fly under the radar and muted clothing keeps it that way. I wouldn't say I rival Amish people, though, but I'm not big on distracting colors or patterns. Back in high school I went on a dress pants wearing spree, which was sort of odd, but explainable.

I used to wear the most, well, low rent clothing to school. I wore summer baseball tea shirts and shorts you would wear to the beach. I still recall Chris Vining calling me out about it in front of the school library entrance. He said something to the effect of "You really have to start wearing better clothes". I took that to heart, but a little too far. I went out and bought dress pants, and nothing but dress pants. I wore them everyday, for five years. My friends in college asked me why I didn't wear jeans. I didn't really have an answer, so at the end of the year team party I showed up wearing jeans, and boy did they notice! Simple changes are always the most remarkable I guess. Clothes to me are just a pain in the ass, and a waste of money.

I don't like clothes shopping, it is so annoying and time consuming. It's a funny fact that my mom doesn't like it either, and here I was thinking all women were pre-programmed to love that kind of stuff. I generally know what I want before I go, I get what I need and get the heck out of there, back to my own life. I only like food shopping, specifically at whole foods. In college one of my roommates at the apartment Heather, the one who's platinum wedding band I made, had so much money in her closet it was ridiculous. She had 23 pairs of just blue jeans and probably over $10,000 worth of clothes in there. Maintenance actually had to come and screw the fixture back in the wall, twice, because she exceeded the 68 pound limit of the shelf and it broke. That amount of clothing just seems pointless to me, then again I'm not a woman who NEEDS an outfit for every occasion. I did go shopping with Heather and Danielle, my other roommate, and I hated it. They spent so much money it was unfathomable. They bought things just because they were on sale that they clearly could have done without. It does, however, keep the economy going.

 Here's to hoping all the girls I know want jewelry, and lots of it. Unlike the clothes they wear it will last forever and can be remade into whatever or sold quickly if they need it; although clothing was never really good at doing that.

Questions or comments?

Monday, August 27, 2012

Back From Vacation, New Posts to Follow

I was in Maine for a week, now back to blogging. New posts will be up with a couple days.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Coffee, Alcohol & Cigarettes: WHY?

Two things I have never done or will ever do: Cups of coffee or smoke a cigarette. Alcohol is in a category all its own and I'll get to that later. But with these two I have the right to ask why just as you have the right to partake. My only coffee experience was sitting at a restaurant with my mother when I was a child. She would pour a splash of coffee into one of the plastic containers of cream and I would drink it, mainly for the cream because it was so delicious. After I grew out of that phase, that was it. Growing up I never had the need for coffee. I can get up at any hour and function without the aid of caffeine, as many people cannot, and I have to many examples to list on both sides.
So why do people start drinking coffee? Is it because they imitate what they see from their parents, the media and friends? I guess it can be like beer where you don't like the taste at first but then get used to it and before you know it you have them casually with dinner. A lot more people become addicted to both because of the nature of the beast, but both boil down to what your brain craves. The whole thing becomes a physical battle. I know if I was stranded on an island I wouldn't want to blow my brains out during the withdrawal period.
I do think that the biggest factor is seeing everyone else partaking and feeling that pressure to follow the pack. As for myself, I don't necessarily run with the pack all of the time, as I'm sure you are well aware. In college it was more of a party atmosphere than anything else and I didn't want to be that guy who just hangs out and doesn't do anything, which I'm sure people respect for that, just not as someone they want to hang around with. Of course, there is the 'social lubricant' effect that alcohol has, although that has not been in my favor, yet. After school ended, and trust me I took every chance I could to party with my team, I was back to where I was. I don't casually crack open a beer with dinner or order a cocktail when I go out. It doesn't make me any more fun, and why do something just because everyone thinks you should? And no, I'm not a 'funectomy', I just pick my spots. The party I'm going to attend in a couple weeks with a whole bunch of my friends I am going to be drinking from 2pm-2am, and after that I'll be getting back to my own life. There is definitely a very fine line I walk on and I have heard people say that even if you don't drink during the week but party on the weekend you can still be an alcoholic. I counter that with the summer of 2010. I didn't have a drink the entire summer, simply because I didn't feel like it. This may be hard to believe. I forget what I was up to during that time but that is how it went down. No booze for four or so months. So tell me how, if I was an alcoholic, could I have done that. There is no answer for that and I'm sure the situation is a rare combination, just as I am. Now we come to the whole idea of cigarettes.
The factors that contribute to the use of tobacco are the same as coffee and alcohol, in a way, the only difference being that only one out of three a twelve year old can freely purchase. We clearly see the damage that they do over the long term so why do them at all? Am I really that stressed that you have to suck ash five or more times a day to help you cope with my problems? Do I want to look that much older so people will take you seriously? Can I afford it financially? These are the questions people don't ask when they take that first puff, then another, then another. They live in the moment and, before they know it, its too late! I will admit that I do, on occasion I do smoke weed. I treat it even with more respect than alcohol because no companies hiring test your BAC when you piss into a cup. I treat it as that fancy meal you go out for every few months. I also did not smoke any until I was 18 and did not while I was still a college athlete due to my fear of failing a drug test. It does normalize me, though, as I did go over in an earlier post; putting a temporary stop to most compulsions and overall slowing my brain down so I don't care about social pressures. But this doesn't mean my brain throws caution to the wind, its too tough for THAT to happen.
 I cannot however, justify its use simply because of what it does for me. I know it is wrong and I don't pretend otherwise, but just like alcohol, I know how to use it properly. I know its not going to make me smarter (in effect the opposite it true) or magically & permanently negate what my brain cannot seem to get over in terms of how it deals with people. All I ask is for a fun time at the ball before my carriage turns back into a pumpkin. Another word on cigarettes: You don't see a bunch of people laughing and having a good time when they are smoking them in a designated area, do you?

The thing to remember with all of these vices as that you are your own person and you can chose to do whatever you want, and no one can make you do otherwise (at least where I'm from). Unless, of course, you find yourself in rehab, then you should listen to those around you and start to make some better choices.

Questions or Comments? Let me know.

Monday, July 30, 2012

My Two Brains (Part 1)

I have wanted to talk about this for a long time but was saving it for my book. The thing is I don't have enough people who are going to read this post to worry about giving anything away to my entire target audience. It should also be noted that although I am not sure all Aspys experience this, I do and have all my life, making it a worthwhile topic.

I'm not crazy. I know only crazy people say that but its true. Crazy would be having a voice in your head that makes you do things you wouldn't normally do. I have a voice that makes me stay away from things that others take for granted. I know its not a conscience because that helps determine right from wrong. This is voice has everything to do with trying new things, go different places and even approaching females to start a conversation. This voice, it is a system of defenses rather, is based in fear.

I wish it was a simple case of me being crazy, like Ed Norton in Fight Club, but its not like that. In that movie the main character had invented an alter ego to allow him to do the things he would never do, like start an organization to 'help' humanity. My voice is something different in basically the roles are reversed.

It started out when I was a child. It may have already used this story but here goes. I was outside on the walkway eat a packet of my favorite fruit snacks, not Fruit Wrinkles but some meteor/space theme treat, and was just about to open up another pack when my sister came out of nowhere only to yell "No, don't eat that! it's gots calories!" I didn't know what calories were, they could have been anything, but for the first time I can remember in my life, something happened. I was overcome with a barrage of fear and heard something in my head asking "Oh, no what are calories? Are they bad? Am I going to die if i eat them? What's going to happen if I do? Can I ever eat them again?" I think I may have given the packet to her out of fear of what would happen if I didn't, or I couldn't bear to look at them as they may set even more questions swirling through my head.

I may have been three years old when this happened. I am not entirely sure but it was a moment that I will never forget. It was the feeling of anxiety and I had no idea where it was coming from or when it would come back. Like a conscience it kept me in line, but more of a prisoner then someone truly living life. If I examine it closer it explains a lot.

I have never asked a girl to dance or even went to prom, and I had more than a couple opportunities to do both of these things. I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head in high school of "If I ask this girl out then what is everyone going to think? What if she says "no" and I have to face that? Does she have a boyfriend and what is going to happen if she complains to him or a scene develops? This is the type of situation that a man worries about a couple times when he is younger and once success comes his way, with women, then the shadow of doubt holding him back lifts. I know this because every new thing I am afraid to do eventually happens and I find myself thinking "That it wasn't that bad, I feel good enough about the results that I will probably do it again". With me and women, that is not the case, yet, although I feel like its time to give that one another shot.

 You could call this anxiety but it feels louder than that. Most of these things people take for granted but when a fight-or-flight reaction comes from a situation then you know there is a problem. That never happened in baseball, where I could pitch in front of a full crowd and even use them for 'fuel' to make me perform better. I never have had any fear on the mound, I owned that spot on the field. However after the game, especially in high school but not in college, I went home and didn't party with the team after a win. I withdrew myself as not to be in a social situation. I did not have the knowledge about my brain and its capabilities to refresh itself until college when I figured out that all I needed was a mental rest before/sometimes during a packed party so I could socially function.

I guess that the voice in my head that keeps me in check is a defense mechanism that goes back to the times of cavemen. After all, if you read over this then it will make more sense: http://www.rdos.net/eng/asperger.htm   Even so, it appears that evolution can only go so far. But the things I need to do, such as find a good job or a suitable female are clouded in doubt by my brain. I don't always feel like I can control it, but I've been getting better at it the last few years.

Back in the olden days I would let the voice take over the situation and get the heck out of there. In college I would listen to it, and its sense of fear and doubt and then act accordingly. Nowadays I hardly listen to it and try to think along the lines I was before it reared its ugly head. In response to some of the stupid things it says I calmly and figuratively tell it to shut up or I give it the middle finger. I can almost hear Tyler Durden (Fight Club) telling me to "Stop being a pussy and do it all ready". When that happens I am almost fearless. The reassurance that little pep talk brings makes me feel like I am on the right path, finally.

I think fear and doubt have their place in life. They protect you from harming/embarrassing yourself from things you wouldn't normally do, except when there is alcohol involved, but even then the other voice for me is less, but still present. As for weed, that is a different story. Many of my compulsions stop all together during that, um, magical period when the window of enlightenment is open. The voice goes away, and all that is left is my brain, free to do whatever it wants to. The chains that  bound it have been done away with. I do not, however, lose my inhibitions and there is a very fine line between relaxing and losing control that my brain will NEVER allow me cross. True, most of the 'other' brains defenses are down, but not out. I am only incapable of become a black out drunk (it has never happened) because my brain will send a message to my stomach to push the 'eject' button before things get too bad. The system so wants to be in control that it will do anything to keep it that way. Putting it at ease for a while is fine, shutting it down is impossible.

As the years have passed I have gotten better at navigating around and dealing with my two brains. Both are important in their own way and exploring one while using the other is a reality I have come to accept. I still have moments when my other brain will say try to take control and during those times, now more than ever, I  take a step back and extend to it my middle finger, all the while saying "You've been here before". 

Friday, July 27, 2012

The Chick-Fil-A Argument: The New Civil War?

I posted this under a picture of the Mike Huckabee response to the Tom Menino letter. Am I in the right here or am I about to have the good book thrown at my head for taking the time to thinking rationally?

"I'm from the Boston area and we are very accepting up here, unlike some of you down on the Bible Belt. You all accept what happens up here and we'll accept you, with open arms. It obviously has not gone that way thus far. Tom Menino already said there is nothing he can do to stop the chain. I'm sure the GLBT community, though, might not want to eat at the restaurant. Oh, and another thing; it's the 21st century, grow up and realize that some people are comfortable with the way they are, no matter what anyone else thinks about them. As for now, the two sides are at an impasse and we are left wondering, for now, how it will all turn out."


"Though Chick-fil-A has come under considerable fire for its documented support of anti-gay Christian organizations, officials for the fast food chain have remained mostly tight-lipped about the controversy -- until now" 


On the other side of this, Massachusetts supports the GLBT community. The two sides know where the other stands, clearly.


I post this as a third party observer, having nothing with GLBT or Chick-Fil-A. I will give up that I am biased towards Boston, but you have to give me the fact that I am accepting to anything, really, whether I agree with it or not. It's sort of like hating the Yankees, which I do very much so, but respecting Derek Jeter as a baseball player.


 While down at jewelry school I actually ate a good deal of Chick-Fil-A during my three months in Nashville. I am from the Boston area but I am accepting of differences, and would be a hypocrite if I wasn't. People are who they are and they are not going to change because someone says they should. If anything, they will resist more. The restaurant is not open Sundays and it is well known that they have some religious values. GLBT people, I'm assuming, feel at home in Massachusetts and they can get married here. I didn't see any gay bars down in the south, but I did see a lot of churches, a LOT of churches. Both sides are 'open' if you will, and we know where the cards lie. So how will this all turn out?


Personally, I think the chain we be allowed in but the GLBT community will protest, and then the whole thing will simply die down. If that doesn't happen, I will not be surprised. 


This is the debate I had with someone from the south on the matter. I tried to open up the thinking and some color to the issues other than black and white/cut and dry.




  • That's it? That's your argument? So what ever is the norm these days we should do? Look, just because it's the 21st century? The 21st is just a number of how many centuries or years it's been since Christ came. The fact that we live in the...See more

    Friday at 08:28 · 

  • Kyle Ahern I am a Christian, first off, secondly, north and south will never see eye to eye; especially on religious values. Leave these people be, what did they do to hurt you?
    Friday at 08:42 via Mobile · 

  • Gilbert Evan Broyles They're not hurting me personally, they're hurting companies that support our Father.
    Friday at 08:47 · 

  • Gilbert Evan Broyles I can't leave them alone, they need to be dealt with according to God's Holy and established ordinance. God is the one who defines marriage not man, God is the one who created Man male and female, not man, God created Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve. If we do not uphold the laws of God and go to what man determines then we are dead. We need to get back to the Word and throw out Autonomy.
    Friday at 08:52 · 

  • Kyle Ahern I can partially agree with that, but it doesn't mean we should be intolerant of those who don't fit into what we believe, I give them credit for what they believe and I even have a few gay friends whom I didn't know were gay until later in life. The only people I'm against are terrorists.
    Friday at 08:54 via Mobile · 

  • Kyle Ahern Well of I denied you or myself Christs love then I would ne denying a part of what makes us feel right/whole/ourselves. To do the same, the only difference would be denying sexual orientation, I feel OS unjust. Read this and please try to fully understand what it means.
    Friday at 09:02 via Mobile · 

  • Gilbert Evan Broyles I'm against who ever is against Christ. Who ever is against the Bride of Christ is an enemy of God. "He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad." Matthew 12:30 this is where I get my believes, I can't falter.

    Friday at 09:02 · 

  • Gilbert Evan Broyles I'm sorry, I couldn't quite get what you were saying.
    Friday at 09:03 · 

  • Kyle Ahern Our ancestors came over here for religious freedom. GLBT love in Massachusetts and tolerant areas so they can fully live their lives. I don't see them moving en masse to the south anytime soon. That is all I have, lets see how it all plays out. A pleasure debating with you, though.
    Friday at 09:09 via Mobile · 

  • Gilbert Evan Broyles My pleasure!
    Friday at 09:15 · Edited ·  · 1





Questions or Comments? Come on, you know you want to pick a side and stir the pot on this one.



Tuesday, July 24, 2012

"I'm an Excellent Driver" Asperger's & Driving

If you really put Rainman on the road I'm certain it wouldn't go well. You all saw what happened in the airport and I think a few honks of the horn would be enough to shut him down. But then again, I'm not as far down the autism spectrum as he is. Having your parents give you a ride everywhere is fun, right up until everyone else but you has a car. For me, driving began at 17. I naturally late bloomed on this one, too.


I think I may have been about to turn 17, the summer before, when I took the drivers education course with a bunch of my friends. Book smarts come easy to me, so the course was a joke, as was the computer test to get my permit. When it was time for the rubber to finally met the road, however, I became a little gun shy. I didn't have that 'rush' to drive like all of my friends. I was more casual about it, which goes along with my standard MO. My sister may have been the first person to take me driving, I think. We went over to the mills in North Andover and to the upper part of the parking garage. She showed me how the car worked and everything I needed to know. I was shaky at first, as every new driver was. It was a fun start to learning a life skill. After a couple times we took it onto the open road. I still know the feeling of seeing and going through my first yellow light. I was past the point of stopping so I just went through (made it with plenty to spare but my sister still told me to be careful) when I saw the flash of yellow. My heart did that sinking feeling in my chest and fear came over me. I was fine after that but it still resonates with me today, mostly as a reminder of the scared kid I used to be behind the wheel. 


Driving with my mom was also fine. One time, however, my dad showed up behind us in his truck and proceeded to ride my ass. He was honking and nearly up against the bumper and really being an asshole, for lack of a better word. I found it odd, but I am surprised by it; someone had to teach me about the real world way of the road. I thought about jamming on the breaks but I tend to respect the vehicle I'm in, unless its a rental.


I didn't necessarily learn to drive with dad as much as anyone else. He did his part, though, mainly by barking orders at me while I practiced turning in the driveway. There were obstacles in the way, namely other cars, but he wanted me to navigate backwards and forwards to park as best I could. I had the window open to hear him and thought about closing it to drown him out. Honestly, this was like learning to ride a bike all over again and I could have without the tough love routine here. Eventually I figured it out, much to his surprise. 


 I must add here that when I was first diagnosed with AS when I was 16 that dad figured he would have to take care of me for the rest of my life. He said to my mom "Oh, no! How is he going to be able to drive a car". This proves two things. First, that regular people didn't know shit when it came to what their AS offspring were capable of. Secondly, anyone can learn anything, given a large amount of time. My mom only told me of his reaction a couple years ago and it made me laugh. After all it wasn't my ignorance on the line here.


Driving with my instructor Bob was also very valuable, as any road experience was for me. He was patient and let me know what was happening at all time, without being pushy. He had, and still has, no clue about my AS. He was the one who truly got me ready for my road test. Well, failure actually did that for me. 


The first time I did a road test it was not the scheduled one set for my 18th birthday, but a sooner one because me and a couple other people threatened to sue the driving school for not getting us a test in the first place. So me and another girl Meredith, whom I still know, went to take the test one morning. We both failed, sort of odd, but that may have been because we threatened to sue. They said I blew a stop sign but if you look where the sign is, in the middle of a turn, you can go by it and stop, but I guess that wasn't the same thing. It should be noted that I don't blow stupid things out of proportion and I actually have the urge to go take a picture of the sign and its most dumb-ass location just to illustrate my point; I think I will. Anyhow, failure is failure. So I had to wait again until my birthday to take the test, at the end of the month. When I got there things didn't even get off the ground.


The DMV said to me that because I had taken a previous test, failing didn't matter, that it had erased the spot I was holding to take the test on my birthday. I was pissed, to say the least. When I did go back, October I think, I was ready. My dad urged me to take the platinum & diamond ring I was wearing off so that the cops wouldn't think I was some punk. I told him, against better judgement, that if "they were going to  pull me over anyway I would be wearing this ring, so why take it off now". That was one of the few arguments I won against him and maybe he was seeing if I would fail so he could blame it on that, unjustly. As we pulled out of the parking lot things took a turn, literally! The previous test and all others I had seen were done in the residential area directly behind the DMV. We took a left out of the lot and into an area I had never been to! I had to cross the busy intersection a couple times, just so the cop had a better sample, and I did so fine. When it came to putting the E-Brake on and then putting it down, I bonked a little. I couldn't get it back up and after a minute of trying the cop jiggled it a little and it released. I was not penalized for that, but at the time I thought I would be. He told me I had passed and I thanked him before he left the car. I could have told dad to apologize about the ring comments but did not feel that was warranted at the time, I was too happy anyways. 


The first couple times alone on the road my mom made me call once I had reached my destination. This was easy enough and I made it each time. I did, however, get into an accident a few months later and it spelled the end of that car for a while, then forever, but I'll get to that last part in a second. 


I was driving down Mifflin Drive, not far from home, one March day in pursuit of my coach in my Infinity Q45 when I hit a patch of ice. It should be noted that the amount of horses pulling the car was substantial, as with any luxury car. The back kicked out and I went left, then fishtailed right, then left again as I skidded over a snow bank and into a tree that would collide with my passengers side. As I spun out of control I just accepted it, and just before impact I remember thinking "Well, I might as well watch the window blow out. I looked right just in time to see the glass explode on the seat next to me. I was safety glass, of course, so I didn't worry about being cut. I turned off the engine and got out of the car. I forgot my cell phone at home and asked the resident who's tree I had struck if I could borrow the phone. They were nice, my mother was not as understanding. She barked, "Where are you! Are you OK and why don't your have your own phone!" I think she began to cry, which is understandable in her panic, but I was the one not worried about anything except how long my car would be out of commission. She hugged me when she got there and dad also arrived. He was mad that my inspection sticker was out of date and that I could be sued for that (which didn't happen) and he ended up driving the car home. 


You should have seen the passenger door: It had a huge dent, the exact shape of the three foot tree it had run up against, in its side. The frame, on the inside, had only bent about an inch. If it had not been a luxury car, pretty much built with a steel beam in the side, I'm sure it would have folded like a wallet. So I didn't have a car for a while, that was fine for now, but I still had to wait for the repairs; which almost got done. The thing with that was the guy doing the work was welding something on the side and then the entire dash board went up in flames. The car was ruined and with the salvage money we bought a 1997Chevy Lumina, black. This was both good and bad because I really loved the Infiniti Q45, but the amount of ponies under the hood made it kick out when it slipped, hence the accident. I told dad that after we decided to get the other car. Other than that my driving has been uneventful, save for a few fender benders, which is basically what everyone has to deal with from time to time.


So how am I at driving now? Well hopefully you know by now that Aspy's tend start off slowly and then get better and better until they are the best at something. I fit that mold. With my road vision, a version of 'spidey sense' I am convinced, I see everything. This is much akin to all the potential threats I look over as I enter a public place. I can even blankly stare ahead and just watch for changes, i.e. break lights or blinkers and adjust accordingly. I can anticipate problems and react in the blink of an eye. I tend to avoid traffic on the highway by putting myself where the cars are not, and if this means going 80 in the fast lane or blowing by an 18 wheeler then I'm fine with that. I was put to the most extreme driving test on the way home from Nashville, TN this past my with dad.


We were going through Virginia, the mountains, I think when I truly blinding rainstorm came upon us. As I have already said, I don't like it when people over exaggerate things, but this was the worst storm I have ever encountered in a car. To the left and right cars were pulled over, waiting for the storm to pass. Dad said that we should probably pull over but I gave him two things in response. The first thing was the 'Don't be a pussy look' and second was the verbal, "Don't worry, I got this". The truckers lead the way, and being professional drivers they had surely been through this many times. We were going 10-15mph through the rain  with the wipers on full blast and meandering through the fog, did I mention there was fog, for about two miles when it began to clear, with cars staying off the road everywhere you looked. My dad couldn't  believe I had gotten us through that. So, who's the better driver now? Is the the man who had been driving over forty years or his son; a kid with AS who had only been driving for eight and defied the stigma that people on the Autism Spectrum cannot and should not be behind the wheel of anything but a bumper car? I rest my case. You give me the challenge and I'll make a believer out of you, too.


Questions or comments?