Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Shopping with Half a Brain: A First Hand Account

So today was a busy day for me, second day back from vacation and I had a lot of running around to do. In my travels I interacted with a lot of people, naturally. As many of you already know, prolonged exposure to people starts or continues a cycle of mental decay that ultimately ends up with my brain partially shutting down and moving into auto-pilot mode. At this point my ability to articulate, major problem solving skills and facial expressions diminish to basic function. My legendary patience for people (as I am a goldmsmith and you can't work on something all day and then rush it to finish or get pissed enough that you make a horrible mistake) goes right out the window. I become a whiny child who needs a nap and eventually all of this leads to me becoming a zombie basically, and I NEVER allow people to see me at this point, not even my own mother. I would have written this down right after it happened, but my brain was shot, so here goes:

I had only been at the supermarket for five minutes and I felt it creeping on steadily. The older lady at the deli counter had an ad in her hand stating that this type of ham was better than that and that it was on special or something. The people working the counter didn't know what she wanted and she sort of argued with them for a while and everyone else holding a number was forced to wait. Normally I would have found this amusing, but I my number was such that I could be called quickly so I opted not to wander off and hunt for other items on my list. Finally the disagreement was worked out and it was my turn. The lady had left with her ham and she was out of earshot so I said as loudly as possible "I'll take ham, too, I'll have whatever kind that doesn't hold the line up". A few people laughed. After I got my meat I then set off to find the rest of my list.

Now I will say there is the expected aimless wandering at the supermarket that we have all experience. You know where everything is, for the most part, but you get to that point where you tend to wander around with no clue. This was happening to me, but with an added bonus. My 'symptoms' came about almost as quickly as a werewolf changes. I found myself reading the list and having to backtrack more than once. I'd park my carriage somewhere and forget where it was or have the need to ask someone where an item was, but didn't want to converse with them because, well, you know.

 "Fresh 100% lemon juice?" SOB! Will this stuff in front of me do? I better text Mom to see if that's what she wants or will this reconstituted crap in the fake lemon suffice? I better include a picture just to be sure. Come on, answer back. (She was at a basketball game watching my cousin cheer). Let's go already...Should I get it or not?! Well if it were me, and I am very specific about things I like (which people seem to be  too stupid to understand) and I would want it to be as fresh as possible. 'Please answer me back, I feel I need to get out of here' I frantically texted. I'm sitting here waiting trying not to look around or make eye contact with people and my heartbeat is starting to quicken. Capacity for reasoning is waving bye-bye. 'I guess I'll just get you fresh lemons and juice them myself' I throw a whole bunch in a bag and head towards the checkout area. Ok, which one of these poisons do I pick? Well this one has more people in but they have less stuff each. Um......this one I guess. I get there, wait for my turn, last person in the line, when it dons on me; I still need to get canned stewed tomatoes! She's going to get pissed if I forget those! Audibly, I let out a single word, "f***..... Great, I really need to deal with this s*** right now, I think to myself. I walk to the canned vegetable isle and begin looking for them. Soups of all kind and potatoes, carrots, peas etc, but no tomatoes. I scour every can in the same pace that future bosses use when going over a resume. Nope, none here, so then where are they?! I pause again, trying to find the answer, looking for a person in a uniform I can use for one quick second as I run by them. I debate asking a fellow shopper and paying her $20 for said information. Finally, the damn pasta isle!!!! After more scouring I find them. 5 for $3, OK, wait do I need five cans?! Will she eat all those, they are certainly not for me. F*** it, into the cart they went at light speed as I run, SuperMarket Sweep style to the register. I unload my items on the belt and then comes the point where the cashier asked cash or credit/debit. I usually am playful and say 'Deborah' meaning debit, and most people with an IQ over 50 can pick up on the cop type lingo and know that it means 'debit'. Instead I said "Debit" in the most lifeless sounding voice she ever heard. The staff said 'bye' I just half grunted and walked away. Luckily I didn't have do anything else involving humans that day, so I drove home and put things away.

So there you have it, that's what it's really like to have your brain go on auto-pilot in a public place. All you want to do is run and be alone but that's not an option in most cases. About a half hour later I began to feel myself getting back and then after an hour I was fine. Just so you know I added some color commentary to the account, nothing that wasn't the truth, but nothing that I was thinking at the time. If I wrote that it would have been the dullest thing ever as all I am thinking about is "Get out of here, get out of here, get out!!" What I have come to realize is that I can note what is going on and then write about it later. The most important thing you have to understand is that this process of mental decay has always happened to me, long before I knew about Asperger's, ( and yes, I am aware of the coming change in name due to the stupid people who write laws for everyone) so it's not a placebo effect at all. Learning and coming to my own conclusions about what actually happens when my brain decides it wants to involuntarily take time off is something I am proud of and putting it into words is what I am good at so why not share it?
I'll probably need to add to this post/edit further at some point, but it is 3:30 AM and I should go back to sleep.

Questions or comments? Let me know.