Some of the paragraphs are going to run on, but bear with me until I get the message across on this post, or at least attempt to.
When I first learn about Asperger's at age 16, when I was diagnosed, I didn't think much of what it meant. To me it was an answer to a question, one that my parents and I both had, as to what was 'going on' with me. I did not look into any real information about it until my senior year in college, so there spanned a six year gap where I was sort of on my own without the knowledge I possess about myself today. Bog Seger said it best; "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then". I could have used the pertinent information to gain some understanding and then draw my own conclusions. If, back then, I had know that reading female body language was a major problem I probably would have tried to figure out a way to try to crack that code a little sooner. I still am having problems with it and I am always trying to read articles that relate to the female prospective. Some are insightful, most re not. In my time trying to understand things ( anything really) I have come to conclude that the earlier I take action the better. This should be obvious to most, but when the thing you are trying to understand is not always clear cut it can be a daunting task.
For years I would come home from school exhausted. The simple explanation was that I was tired and needed a nap, so I took one. This worked, but I would also not be able to fall asleep later on and this was a problem. I couldn't figure out how to solve this problem and never changed my habit. I found working out helped to allow me to re-burn some of the energy I had gained from the nap. This may seem like the problem was solved, but it was just beginning. In college I learned about why I get tired and it was different than I previously thought.
Human interaction takes a tremendous toll on the brain of anyone on the autism spectrum. After prolonged exposure to reading body language and social cues the inevitable happens, the brain goes into what I call "survival mode". This isn't something I let people, even family, see. I self-isolate as best I can and ride out the storm, so to speak. It usually takes 45 minutes to an hour for me to come around again. I tend to either listen to music or read during this time, but I try to stay awake or at least think so I don't fall asleep, because as I have already stated that affects my sleep patterns. This self administered cure came for the first time when I was relaxing in one of the upper floors of the library on the Umass Lowell South Campus. My spring (this occurred mainly at first in spring when I was on south campus) and then final fall semesters (shoulder surgery the year before had me drop a couple classes and I had to make them up without taxing myself too much) had a break before the next class so I would head up a couple floors to be alone. I was also in the Asperger group at school so I had a lot to think about. I would lay down on one of the two seated pleather couches and veg out in thought. I would think about anything and everything. When I was done I felt renewed, but it wasn't one of those "Now I can take on the world" feelings, it was more subtle than that. I just felt like my head was more clear, although I didn't realize yet why. Every day I would do this for about an hour, school or not and each time after I would feel better mentally afterwards. It was sort of all at once I realized why I had been feeling exhausted after a long day at school and what could be done about it. I still use this process today in order to refresh my brain and work out many problems I am having during the time I spend alone. So the question is, if I knew from the get go that human interaction taxed my brain so much that I would need a break after a certain amount of time would I have learned how to deal with it quicker or simply avoided it by keeping out of social situation all together? Well, I did isolate myself anyways after school unless it was in high school when I had baseball practice. My friends only knew me at school and being the ace of the pitching staff but never going out on the weekends must have seemed odd to them. In a perfect high school world I would have been the center of attention and hip-deep in girls. The fact remains, I wasn't, and I didn't even go to prom, I didn't even consider it and none of my friends ever asked if I was going or asked me any questions as related to the event. They did not know of my struggles with Asperger's (and still don't) so I don't blame them. In high school its everyone one for themselves I guess.
When someone tells me I can't do something I try to prove them wrong, that is just the competitor in me. I just take their ignorance of my ability as something I have to shatter. If science tells me I can't do something then I take the facts with a grain of salt and see what I can do about it. This is very important: If you think you cannot do something then you will not. Once again this is obvious, but when it is proven over and over again that the odds are against you, even by your own experiences and trial & error, you wonder if it is true. Most people would have given up by now trying to do some of the things I do. When I learned that fine motor skills were very difficult for all people on the spectrum the last career you think I would have attempted would be a goldsmith. Not that I am comparing myself to him, but when Tom Brady was looked at, and over by NFL scouts, the one thing they seemingly refused to notice was his heart. My college baseball coach always wanted the guys with fire in their belly because that translates into a work ethic that allows them to get better over time. Although he never said the latter part I now realize that is why he always went with the guys who were 'gamers'. In reality I was a gamer. I was always the smallest kid on the diamond. In high school other teams thought I was the bat boy; they didn't think so after I went out and sat them down time and again. I always was good at baseball, and that was a direct result of me wanting to get better and putting the time in. I had a private pitching coach in high school that I went to once a week in the off season. He helped me tremendously and is one of them main reasons I got into college and played at such a good baseball school. Just like Tom I could have gone division I if I had more of the profile build over a power pitcher, but some things can't be helped. You can't teach size, and I was simply too short. I gave my all each and every time I pitched and I went as long as I could until I needed shoulder surgery, but I have no regrets. Anyway, back to me at present again.
The reason I like jewelry so much is that I can have complete control over it. It doesn't talk back and has some very unique problems that need to be solved sometimes, and I love problem solving. The pure fact that my lack of fine motor skills would hinder me was something I felt I could get over, with time, and I have come a long way since my early days as the bench. The 'gamer' coach always touted came out in me, and boy do I love what I do. Almost anything can be overcome if you put your mind to it and I am proof of that.
I know there are more things I have to work on, but I have so many hours in the day to get done what I need to and the time I spend thinking each day isn't enough to figure everything out, but I know that by continuing to try I will get there, eventually.
Questions or Comments?
When I first learn about Asperger's at age 16, when I was diagnosed, I didn't think much of what it meant. To me it was an answer to a question, one that my parents and I both had, as to what was 'going on' with me. I did not look into any real information about it until my senior year in college, so there spanned a six year gap where I was sort of on my own without the knowledge I possess about myself today. Bog Seger said it best; "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then". I could have used the pertinent information to gain some understanding and then draw my own conclusions. If, back then, I had know that reading female body language was a major problem I probably would have tried to figure out a way to try to crack that code a little sooner. I still am having problems with it and I am always trying to read articles that relate to the female prospective. Some are insightful, most re not. In my time trying to understand things ( anything really) I have come to conclude that the earlier I take action the better. This should be obvious to most, but when the thing you are trying to understand is not always clear cut it can be a daunting task.
For years I would come home from school exhausted. The simple explanation was that I was tired and needed a nap, so I took one. This worked, but I would also not be able to fall asleep later on and this was a problem. I couldn't figure out how to solve this problem and never changed my habit. I found working out helped to allow me to re-burn some of the energy I had gained from the nap. This may seem like the problem was solved, but it was just beginning. In college I learned about why I get tired and it was different than I previously thought.
Human interaction takes a tremendous toll on the brain of anyone on the autism spectrum. After prolonged exposure to reading body language and social cues the inevitable happens, the brain goes into what I call "survival mode". This isn't something I let people, even family, see. I self-isolate as best I can and ride out the storm, so to speak. It usually takes 45 minutes to an hour for me to come around again. I tend to either listen to music or read during this time, but I try to stay awake or at least think so I don't fall asleep, because as I have already stated that affects my sleep patterns. This self administered cure came for the first time when I was relaxing in one of the upper floors of the library on the Umass Lowell South Campus. My spring (this occurred mainly at first in spring when I was on south campus) and then final fall semesters (shoulder surgery the year before had me drop a couple classes and I had to make them up without taxing myself too much) had a break before the next class so I would head up a couple floors to be alone. I was also in the Asperger group at school so I had a lot to think about. I would lay down on one of the two seated pleather couches and veg out in thought. I would think about anything and everything. When I was done I felt renewed, but it wasn't one of those "Now I can take on the world" feelings, it was more subtle than that. I just felt like my head was more clear, although I didn't realize yet why. Every day I would do this for about an hour, school or not and each time after I would feel better mentally afterwards. It was sort of all at once I realized why I had been feeling exhausted after a long day at school and what could be done about it. I still use this process today in order to refresh my brain and work out many problems I am having during the time I spend alone. So the question is, if I knew from the get go that human interaction taxed my brain so much that I would need a break after a certain amount of time would I have learned how to deal with it quicker or simply avoided it by keeping out of social situation all together? Well, I did isolate myself anyways after school unless it was in high school when I had baseball practice. My friends only knew me at school and being the ace of the pitching staff but never going out on the weekends must have seemed odd to them. In a perfect high school world I would have been the center of attention and hip-deep in girls. The fact remains, I wasn't, and I didn't even go to prom, I didn't even consider it and none of my friends ever asked if I was going or asked me any questions as related to the event. They did not know of my struggles with Asperger's (and still don't) so I don't blame them. In high school its everyone one for themselves I guess.
When someone tells me I can't do something I try to prove them wrong, that is just the competitor in me. I just take their ignorance of my ability as something I have to shatter. If science tells me I can't do something then I take the facts with a grain of salt and see what I can do about it. This is very important: If you think you cannot do something then you will not. Once again this is obvious, but when it is proven over and over again that the odds are against you, even by your own experiences and trial & error, you wonder if it is true. Most people would have given up by now trying to do some of the things I do. When I learned that fine motor skills were very difficult for all people on the spectrum the last career you think I would have attempted would be a goldsmith. Not that I am comparing myself to him, but when Tom Brady was looked at, and over by NFL scouts, the one thing they seemingly refused to notice was his heart. My college baseball coach always wanted the guys with fire in their belly because that translates into a work ethic that allows them to get better over time. Although he never said the latter part I now realize that is why he always went with the guys who were 'gamers'. In reality I was a gamer. I was always the smallest kid on the diamond. In high school other teams thought I was the bat boy; they didn't think so after I went out and sat them down time and again. I always was good at baseball, and that was a direct result of me wanting to get better and putting the time in. I had a private pitching coach in high school that I went to once a week in the off season. He helped me tremendously and is one of them main reasons I got into college and played at such a good baseball school. Just like Tom I could have gone division I if I had more of the profile build over a power pitcher, but some things can't be helped. You can't teach size, and I was simply too short. I gave my all each and every time I pitched and I went as long as I could until I needed shoulder surgery, but I have no regrets. Anyway, back to me at present again.
The reason I like jewelry so much is that I can have complete control over it. It doesn't talk back and has some very unique problems that need to be solved sometimes, and I love problem solving. The pure fact that my lack of fine motor skills would hinder me was something I felt I could get over, with time, and I have come a long way since my early days as the bench. The 'gamer' coach always touted came out in me, and boy do I love what I do. Almost anything can be overcome if you put your mind to it and I am proof of that.
I know there are more things I have to work on, but I have so many hours in the day to get done what I need to and the time I spend thinking each day isn't enough to figure everything out, but I know that by continuing to try I will get there, eventually.
Questions or Comments?
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