I have wanted to talk about this for a long time but was saving it for my book. The thing is I don't have enough people who are going to read this post to worry about giving anything away to my entire target audience. It should also be noted that although I am not sure all Aspys experience this, I do and have all my life, making it a worthwhile topic.
I'm not crazy. I know only crazy people say that but its true. Crazy would be having a voice in your head that makes you do things you wouldn't normally do. I have a voice that makes me stay away from things that others take for granted. I know its not a conscience because that helps determine right from wrong. This is voice has everything to do with trying new things, go different places and even approaching females to start a conversation. This voice, it is a system of defenses rather, is based in fear.
I wish it was a simple case of me being crazy, like Ed Norton in Fight Club, but its not like that. In that movie the main character had invented an alter ego to allow him to do the things he would never do, like start an organization to 'help' humanity. My voice is something different in basically the roles are reversed.
It started out when I was a child. It may have already used this story but here goes. I was outside on the walkway eat a packet of my favorite fruit snacks, not Fruit Wrinkles but some meteor/space theme treat, and was just about to open up another pack when my sister came out of nowhere only to yell "No, don't eat that! it's gots calories!" I didn't know what calories were, they could have been anything, but for the first time I can remember in my life, something happened. I was overcome with a barrage of fear and heard something in my head asking "Oh, no what are calories? Are they bad? Am I going to die if i eat them? What's going to happen if I do? Can I ever eat them again?" I think I may have given the packet to her out of fear of what would happen if I didn't, or I couldn't bear to look at them as they may set even more questions swirling through my head.
I may have been three years old when this happened. I am not entirely sure but it was a moment that I will never forget. It was the feeling of anxiety and I had no idea where it was coming from or when it would come back. Like a conscience it kept me in line, but more of a prisoner then someone truly living life. If I examine it closer it explains a lot.
I have never asked a girl to dance or even went to prom, and I had more than a couple opportunities to do both of these things. I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head in high school of "If I ask this girl out then what is everyone going to think? What if she says "no" and I have to face that? Does she have a boyfriend and what is going to happen if she complains to him or a scene develops? This is the type of situation that a man worries about a couple times when he is younger and once success comes his way, with women, then the shadow of doubt holding him back lifts. I know this because every new thing I am afraid to do eventually happens and I find myself thinking "That it wasn't that bad, I feel good enough about the results that I will probably do it again". With me and women, that is not the case, yet, although I feel like its time to give that one another shot.
You could call this anxiety but it feels louder than that. Most of these things people take for granted but when a fight-or-flight reaction comes from a situation then you know there is a problem. That never happened in baseball, where I could pitch in front of a full crowd and even use them for 'fuel' to make me perform better. I never have had any fear on the mound, I owned that spot on the field. However after the game, especially in high school but not in college, I went home and didn't party with the team after a win. I withdrew myself as not to be in a social situation. I did not have the knowledge about my brain and its capabilities to refresh itself until college when I figured out that all I needed was a mental rest before/sometimes during a packed party so I could socially function.
I guess that the voice in my head that keeps me in check is a defense mechanism that goes back to the times of cavemen. After all, if you read over this then it will make more sense: http://www.rdos.net/eng/asperger.htm Even so, it appears that evolution can only go so far. But the things I need to do, such as find a good job or a suitable female are clouded in doubt by my brain. I don't always feel like I can control it, but I've been getting better at it the last few years.
Back in the olden days I would let the voice take over the situation and get the heck out of there. In college I would listen to it, and its sense of fear and doubt and then act accordingly. Nowadays I hardly listen to it and try to think along the lines I was before it reared its ugly head. In response to some of the stupid things it says I calmly and figuratively tell it to shut up or I give it the middle finger. I can almost hear Tyler Durden (Fight Club) telling me to "Stop being a pussy and do it all ready". When that happens I am almost fearless. The reassurance that little pep talk brings makes me feel like I am on the right path, finally.
I think fear and doubt have their place in life. They protect you from harming/embarrassing yourself from things you wouldn't normally do, except when there is alcohol involved, but even then the other voice for me is less, but still present. As for weed, that is a different story. Many of my compulsions stop all together during that, um, magical period when the window of enlightenment is open. The voice goes away, and all that is left is my brain, free to do whatever it wants to. The chains that bound it have been done away with. I do not, however, lose my inhibitions and there is a very fine line between relaxing and losing control that my brain will NEVER allow me cross. True, most of the 'other' brains defenses are down, but not out. I am only incapable of become a black out drunk (it has never happened) because my brain will send a message to my stomach to push the 'eject' button before things get too bad. The system so wants to be in control that it will do anything to keep it that way. Putting it at ease for a while is fine, shutting it down is impossible.
As the years have passed I have gotten better at navigating around and dealing with my two brains. Both are important in their own way and exploring one while using the other is a reality I have come to accept. I still have moments when my other brain will say try to take control and during those times, now more than ever, I take a step back and extend to it my middle finger, all the while saying "You've been here before".
I'm not crazy. I know only crazy people say that but its true. Crazy would be having a voice in your head that makes you do things you wouldn't normally do. I have a voice that makes me stay away from things that others take for granted. I know its not a conscience because that helps determine right from wrong. This is voice has everything to do with trying new things, go different places and even approaching females to start a conversation. This voice, it is a system of defenses rather, is based in fear.
I wish it was a simple case of me being crazy, like Ed Norton in Fight Club, but its not like that. In that movie the main character had invented an alter ego to allow him to do the things he would never do, like start an organization to 'help' humanity. My voice is something different in basically the roles are reversed.
It started out when I was a child. It may have already used this story but here goes. I was outside on the walkway eat a packet of my favorite fruit snacks, not Fruit Wrinkles but some meteor/space theme treat, and was just about to open up another pack when my sister came out of nowhere only to yell "No, don't eat that! it's gots calories!" I didn't know what calories were, they could have been anything, but for the first time I can remember in my life, something happened. I was overcome with a barrage of fear and heard something in my head asking "Oh, no what are calories? Are they bad? Am I going to die if i eat them? What's going to happen if I do? Can I ever eat them again?" I think I may have given the packet to her out of fear of what would happen if I didn't, or I couldn't bear to look at them as they may set even more questions swirling through my head.
I may have been three years old when this happened. I am not entirely sure but it was a moment that I will never forget. It was the feeling of anxiety and I had no idea where it was coming from or when it would come back. Like a conscience it kept me in line, but more of a prisoner then someone truly living life. If I examine it closer it explains a lot.
I have never asked a girl to dance or even went to prom, and I had more than a couple opportunities to do both of these things. I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head in high school of "If I ask this girl out then what is everyone going to think? What if she says "no" and I have to face that? Does she have a boyfriend and what is going to happen if she complains to him or a scene develops? This is the type of situation that a man worries about a couple times when he is younger and once success comes his way, with women, then the shadow of doubt holding him back lifts. I know this because every new thing I am afraid to do eventually happens and I find myself thinking "That it wasn't that bad, I feel good enough about the results that I will probably do it again". With me and women, that is not the case, yet, although I feel like its time to give that one another shot.
You could call this anxiety but it feels louder than that. Most of these things people take for granted but when a fight-or-flight reaction comes from a situation then you know there is a problem. That never happened in baseball, where I could pitch in front of a full crowd and even use them for 'fuel' to make me perform better. I never have had any fear on the mound, I owned that spot on the field. However after the game, especially in high school but not in college, I went home and didn't party with the team after a win. I withdrew myself as not to be in a social situation. I did not have the knowledge about my brain and its capabilities to refresh itself until college when I figured out that all I needed was a mental rest before/sometimes during a packed party so I could socially function.
I guess that the voice in my head that keeps me in check is a defense mechanism that goes back to the times of cavemen. After all, if you read over this then it will make more sense: http://www.rdos.net/eng/asperger.htm Even so, it appears that evolution can only go so far. But the things I need to do, such as find a good job or a suitable female are clouded in doubt by my brain. I don't always feel like I can control it, but I've been getting better at it the last few years.
Back in the olden days I would let the voice take over the situation and get the heck out of there. In college I would listen to it, and its sense of fear and doubt and then act accordingly. Nowadays I hardly listen to it and try to think along the lines I was before it reared its ugly head. In response to some of the stupid things it says I calmly and figuratively tell it to shut up or I give it the middle finger. I can almost hear Tyler Durden (Fight Club) telling me to "Stop being a pussy and do it all ready". When that happens I am almost fearless. The reassurance that little pep talk brings makes me feel like I am on the right path, finally.
I think fear and doubt have their place in life. They protect you from harming/embarrassing yourself from things you wouldn't normally do, except when there is alcohol involved, but even then the other voice for me is less, but still present. As for weed, that is a different story. Many of my compulsions stop all together during that, um, magical period when the window of enlightenment is open. The voice goes away, and all that is left is my brain, free to do whatever it wants to. The chains that bound it have been done away with. I do not, however, lose my inhibitions and there is a very fine line between relaxing and losing control that my brain will NEVER allow me cross. True, most of the 'other' brains defenses are down, but not out. I am only incapable of become a black out drunk (it has never happened) because my brain will send a message to my stomach to push the 'eject' button before things get too bad. The system so wants to be in control that it will do anything to keep it that way. Putting it at ease for a while is fine, shutting it down is impossible.
As the years have passed I have gotten better at navigating around and dealing with my two brains. Both are important in their own way and exploring one while using the other is a reality I have come to accept. I still have moments when my other brain will say try to take control and during those times, now more than ever, I take a step back and extend to it my middle finger, all the while saying "You've been here before".
Good for you! That's a wonderful way to observe growth in your life :)
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