How My Heart Equals My Brain (This gets personal)

Before I was told by an assessment that I had AS I had to take another test completely unrelated. I think I was either fifteen or sixteen and the doctor noticed that my heartbeat was not in sync. He was worried, as all doctors who don't wish to be sued are, about me possibly having an irregular ticker. For a day I was made to a heart monitor that would enable them to take a large enough sample from and determine if my irregular heartbeat was life threatening. The concluded that it was not and that I could resume playing sports. I do notice that, after physical activity, my heart does skip beats or does some odd rhythmic combination. The nurse taking my heartbeat before I gave blood one time asked if I had been tested, and I said I had and not to worry about it. Only a few months after learning that my heart was irregular I was told my brain was also. This had larger ramifications that I am still uncovering. The two are connected, however, but not scientifically as you are probably thinking. Look at the date of this post and you will understand.

It's not easy finding someone when you heart beat is not the same as theirs. After all isn't love finding someone whom your heart beats for? If you add into the mix that my brain will never be on the same page as an you NT's then you see where the problem lies. Right now you're probably wondering why I don't date someone like myself. Easier said than done. While she would understand what I am going through most people like us aren't into the touchy feeling stuff other people are. I am, though, and it may be too much for her. If there is one thing that I was given that is 'normal' then it would be sexual drive. My desire is just as strong as any other man but the kicker is that I don't have the social skills with women to be able to get to that point. I don't like confrontation as it sets off my fight or flight response. I've never dated and didn't even go to prom, and I was a star athlete in high school. By the time college rolled around (even though I played baseball there) I'd missed out on too much in the female department, and news travels fast. I'm sure I could have found some naive freshmen my junior or senior year but that time has passed. There is no one to blame but myself.

Aside from all of the above, why don't I just try to date a NT? Well, how is she going to understand? If I spill the beans she's likely to think I'm not capable of love or anything meaningful. When people hear the words autism or autism spectrum they assume things. There assumptions would be correct IF they were true. They don't even hear the word spectrum, just autism. If they knew that there were various arrays of autism and that we are not all like Rainman then I might finally get somewhere. I can't force them to believe anything. Being on the shorter side height wise doesn't help much either.

All the women on the dating sites I am on want a tall man, for reasons you can figure out for yourself. In my situation I don't need a '10' to start off with, just some girl who doesn't weigh twice as much as me. As for all the women who have messaged me, well, take a wild guess. I decided to play a little mind game with that, and since I'm only interested in casual dating at the moment because I'll be leaving for three months, I put my headline up as "If your deal-breaker is height, mine is IQ>120". This is appropriate because if they were smart enough to look past what they think is a flaw then they would see what they're missing out on. I understand no one will deduce that from reading that but, until I get back, who gives a shit. It will be nice to put 'Profession Goldsmith' into the occupation field and have some pictures of me at work. Women like jewelry, right?

One thing though, that I probably shouldn't even say but I'm going to, is that I don't want to end up with the first girl I meet. My teammates in college said that would happen to me. "Where is the fun in that?" and I must say I agree. I'm still young. I'm not saying I'm going to cheat (look up AS as it relates to love and you will see that one of the characteristics is extreme loyalty) but I have to at least see what's out there. Even so, how is she going to understand the lack of emotion she is used to, not being able to understand the nonverbal cues or why I'm awkward in most social situations? One thing I am capable of is moving on, and I know that means hurting people, which I don't like to do but I'm sure it will be necessary at some point.

It comes down to this: Find a woman my heart will beat for but she has to have a brain that can accept mine. She needs to be so mentally tough like myself by not taking the easy way out (after all I haven't turned to a hooker or gone after jail bait) and not be derailed by simple pitfalls. I know you're thinking it, but just in case...."Good luck!".