Still Single After All These Years

I've had opportunities over the years to change my social situation concerning women. For one reason or another I chose not to. It was a combination of fear, anxiety, self doubt and the desire to remain the person I am that has kept me from doing so.

A note on how I look physically. I'm a good looking man, I think, people tell me and some of the looks I get convey this, but I don't really see this in myself. It is a confidence issue for me and women are attracted to confidence, or so I hear. They say that everyone has sex in college, especially if you are on the baseball team. I must have missed that memo

The fear and anxiety are one in the same, really, but only at the initial phase. I can't just go up and talk to a woman. Putting my neck out that far is uncomfortable for me as it is for many men I'm sure. Unlike most, though, I get the feeling of the primitive 'fight or flight response' in this situation. I always seem to run. I feel that my life is in danger at this time. I wrote about a time when this girl clearly wanted me in one of the chapters of my book. After analyzing it, it's not a long incident at all; I came to this conclusion fairly quickly. The funny thing is that when I look back, both right after it happened and now I feel like I should have just gotten it over with. Even now I feel remorse for not acting if I find myself in even a hint of the situation. I don't have a time machine.

That first situation should have been a layup. I was in high school and was the ace of the varsity pitching staff. People knew who I was (well not really). I found the girl attractive; too, it wasn't like I would have denied any of those advances if given the chance to exploit them. I simply thought too much, like I always do, about the impending situation and had to run off before I let it happen. It's sad really. I've had other chances but nothing THAT obvious to date.

Self doubt goes both toward me and towards the one I'd like to pursue. I don't feel I could either live up to her expectations or if she could be able to deal with all the stuff going on in my head. Would she run when I finally was able to explain it to her? Would I even be able to tell her or hope she figures it out? Then again I don't know if I try first.

There also remains the fact that I have seen many friends in relationships over the years. I watch everything that they have gone through, good and bad, and it seems to be a roller coaster of emotions. I see all the headaches and I don't want to get involved in that sort of crap. I tend to stay even keel, at least outwardly, and I don't know how someone else could understand that. I can keep a straight face when someone cries in front of me, even if I have caused the pain. It's not bragging, its a fact. How are they going to react to that? Part of me wants to stay alone for fear of all my routines getting messed up. I like all the freedoms I have and I don't have enough money to slightly entertain or be part of everyday occasions such as going out to dinner on a regular basis. That is not the type of thing I spend my money on. I'd have to get a job to support that, which would add even more stress. I will become a goldsmith in the coming months, after I get back from the school I'm going to for it, but until then the song will remain the same. The whole last paragraph was something that came up in an AS group I was a part of in college, so in those thoughts I am not alone.

Relationships have their ups and downs but I don't feel ready for one yet. I'll continue not looking for one and just seeing what happens. From what I've learned not looking for something is the best way to find it.

Questions or comments? Let me know.