Odd Dreams When I Sleep

We all have dreams when we go to bed but for the most part do we really remember them? They would certainly have to stand out in order for us not to forget them. My dreams feel like they are a little out of the ordinary and I seem to recall a decent amount of them, both past and present. So let me sit on the long leather couch and reminisce.

I'd have to say that I have at least one dream a week in which I either can jump really well or fly. As you can imagine these are my favorite. The jumping involves me pulling off a Mario like set of leaps where on the third or second one sends me airborne. The first time I had this type of dream was at a very young age where an insurance or real estate salesman chased me through a series of blended and cartoon like landscapes. He would try to grab me and hang on as I tried to fly away and we would eventually end up back where we started and the dream would end. I know what you're probably thinking but hold on, its gets better.

Sometimes I have the flying dream in places that I know, such as my old high school, but different in a way. There is always some sort of modified thing or something askew about the scenery, something that my imagination must have added. People in the dream aren't really impressed in my ability to fly either. Sometimes I'm drifting around the halls of my school just above the heads of everyone else as I have a conversation. Instead of walking down the stairs I fly down and around the stairwell. Other than that, the school is the same. Flying is also something I can do without having to think about it, it just happens, almost like I already know I can do it before the dream starts.

I talked to my dad and he said that you can't dream of a place you have never seen. He may have been full of it because there are a lot of places I know I have not seen or that they even exist. Landscapes or architecture are not feasible in the shapes I see them in. Either they are too organic or too advanced to be built by anyone. I think that my brain can do sort of what it does when I see a someones face; compares it to all the other faces its ever seen and then determines who else it looks like, but instead scenery is put out. That is the only thing I can think of. Often times the scenery is the same and I have reoccurring dreams but with the ability to change my actions if I need to.

Recently I have been just sitting around when all of the sudden one of the dreams I had as a child or young adult shoots into my head and I remember everything. This is completely random and I cannot explain why it happens. If I let my mind go blank certain things can be recalled for some reason. Each times this happens, and it has done so around 30 times in the last couple months I recall a past dream. The ages I had the specific dream are also very random. Ever time this happens I suddenly feel nostalgic.

I will probably have to add more to this post in the future but for now this will have to do.

Questions or comments? Please let me know.

I Almost Cried Today 6/5/11

I had just gotten back from brunch with my sister (marvelous by the way at Highland Kitchen in Sommerville, really worth the drive) and I went upstairs to take a post feast nap. I wasn't asleep for very long when I came into a dream of my sister and I walking our old dog Chelsea, a spirited golden retriever through the streets of some unknown area. It kept changing from nearly urban to rural as well as a mix of the two; it was a very odd journey. Chelsea has been gone since 2006 when my dad put her down. She looked the same as she did the last time I saw her. She loved going on walks.

Towards the end of the dream I began to get a little teary as we were dropping her off at the place we were looking for. I think it was supposed to be a vet office but it was called Middlesex Community College, which is sort of near where I live. Anyway, I began to cry more as we sent her, unaccompanied, to the back room. No one was leading her and she just knew what to do on her own. I began to cry harder at this. Suddenly, I then woke up with a similar feeling of when I first became emotional within the dream. I felt that I could have cried but did not do so. The feeling disappeared within about a minute and I was back to normal.

I do not know what triggered this dream and it was the only one I have had of Chelsea in the last few years since we put her down. It did, however, bring back some of the feelings that we all had for her towards the end of her life. The whole thing brought back the feeling of letting go.

Time to Attend a Goldsmithing School

In one of my earlier posts I mentioned that I make jewelry on my own and had been for about two years until I had shoulder surgery. I have since picked it back up, with a new workshop and renewed vigor. I've had friends tell me that I should go to learn to become a professional in this field. Well, now I have decided to do something about it. I have narrowed it down to a couple places, one in particular, although I will not divulge which. For me working with precious metals is an obsession and it’s something I can't live without.

Confucius said it best; "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life". Amen to that. I love silver gold and platinum, always have. I don't know if it has something to do with their intrinsic value or properties of each one individually but the look and feel of them is something I cannot do without. Another great thing about them is that they don't talk back and you can manipulate them as you please. Messing up isn't a shame as you can melt them down again and create from scratch, although sometimes its hard to see all that work turn into a puddle at the bottom of your crucible. The coolest part is that it looks like the T1000 is moving around in there as you get ready to pour your metal.

The whole thing is a learning experience. Every time you mess up you figure out what you could have done differently, kind of like life only that key events can be redone as you see fit. My parents are for me pursuing this course of action even though I already have a degree in Business Management from Umass Lowell. That was necessary for me to learn to run a business and this will for what I will sell. I will most likely work for someone else before setting up shop for myself officially.

The above pictures are of me working and things I've made and are a few years old. As you can see this is more than wire work or stringing some beads together. What I do takes time. The twisted curb chain with ID plaque was made by watching a 2 hour video. It took me 4 hours to make the first time and only 3 the second time around. I poured my own wire and sheet and rolled and shaped them accordingly on my own. I enjoy the fact that I learn quickly and am always out to improve on previous efforts. Asperger's can greatly help with this as I don't mind focusing on one and only one thing intensely. I have logged more than my share of 6 hour sessions without a break. I get a lot of pride by making something out of nothing.

I know I can do this professionally and all I need is the confidence that comes from the right training.

Questions or comments? Let me know.

Bikram Yoga and the 14th board(s)

For about two years I have been doing Bikram Yoga. I originally felt the need to do so because I was getting tight from weight lifting (and a little loose in the midsection from eating). I have stayed on because it works, in every since of the word. It is a total body workout and helps heal at the same time. The carpal tunnel symptoms in my wrist have gone away and my surgically repaired right shoulder feels so good I may return to baseball at some point. Just like anything else worthwhile, it is not easy. The room itself is 105F and some of the postures would make Gumby scream. By the end of it all you are simply a deluge of sweat. As with all things, though, I have noticed a few things while moving through the practice.

As I had one when I played baseball, I tend to go through the same routine before each session. I get to the studio at least a half hour early and run up the stairs like the young mountain goat that I am. I greet the teacher at the desk and take my shoes off before signing in. If the room is empty enough, there may have been a class before, I put my mat and towel down in the same exact spot as I have had the majority of my one hundred fifty classes. I then either stretch a little bit, depending on the time, or exit the room to see who else is arriving. I typically do a leg stretch near the windows to see my yoga friends as they park their cars. I greet a few of them as they walk in the door, unless I'm in the room getting myself ready. I usually wet my hair once and then again five minutes before class starts; just to give myself a head start. If I feel loose enough from stretching, and I usually try to hit every muscle I can (a habit from my playing days) I wander out and chat with either Leslie or Maribel or whomever is sitting on the benches. With a few minutes left until class I check to see if I must evacuate any more liquid from my body before entering the room for good. I sit on my knees with my head down and do a sideways figure eight or whatever until the teacher walks in and announces that class has begun. I jump from me knees to my feet (not really that difficult once you get the hang of it) and then it's on like donkey kong.

Oddly enough I position myself in the front of the class, on the left middle side right in front of the studio length mirror. I don't get nervous at all being here and most of the people who have been coming a while practice in the front. You think as someone with AS you wouldn't want everyone in the room to have the option of staring at you. People are so busy doing their own practice that it doesn't matter. That and each time I look in the mirror I get to stop and think how cute I look.

I am still able to effectively think about other things during the little savasana 's or breaks. Try as I might, and without the aid of typical social factors, my mind is never able to go completely blank. I usually don't have time think too long because I'm just trying to relax as much as possible after the last posture. It's not long, only 20 seconds or so. I do save most of the thinking for the postures, which is essential. There is a 2 minute break where we all lie down on our mats with our eyes open. I position myself under the same little heat vent, that protrudes from the duct work, each class. This is partly because it is in good alignment with the mirror in front of me and the other being the board ceiling scheme. In the little area I have chosen the ceiling has fourteen boards ( it has more in that section but fourteen of which are encompassed in a little bordered off area of their own) and the two on the ends, each #14 if you were to count from either direction, are a little different than the rest. If realized that they represent me very well. Once again, let me explain.

The first board is small and sort of half hidden by the wall border, but it is clear that you could see more of it if it wasn't. What could be back there, a larger more interesting piece that would be worthwhile to get to know? It’s like the ice berg that you see but don't know how of it lies hidden beneath a frigid emotionless ocean. The second board is much wider, cracked and in plain sight.

This board only feels ugly but denies itself of the character it has and tries to hide it from everyone else, although it does so in plain sight. The color is a little darker than all the others so it is easy to point out and laugh at. Then again this board doesn't care what you think of it (boards don't have feelings anyways) and even if it did it would simply shake it off.

The first board is me now, still a sheltered person who is half hiding from who he wants to be. People are always trying to allow me expose my other half but I still don't think I am ready. There is a lot of potential there if the right woman were to take a look. The second board is me before I lost 20 pounds (again). I was unhappy with the way I looked but didn't have enough drive to do much about it. I just went on for years living in disgust of myself in plain sight. That person has nearly disappeared, but I am still not ready to fully become the other board just yet.

Questions or comments? Let me know.

What Time Travel Feels Like

Throughout the process of writing my book I have had to think back to the way I felt things were when I was growing up. Sometimes this can take a bit to get back to the mindset I had when I was a child. All the things I thought, they way I thought them, how I viewed the world and what I perceived to be going on around me are keys concepts that I feel have to be explored at each time I write about. This process does not show like an outline when everything is written, that would be boring and repetitive. Instead it just flows from my fingers and weaves together a true story of feeling and emotion (or lack thereof).

Each time I go through this process I remember the little things I did that allow me to capture the big picture. I see the scenes unfold in my mind almost at if I am walking through them that very moment. I go through the list above to take my brain back to those much simpler times when the struggles of being a kid were all I had to worry about. In this way I can recall the past and how it made me feel. I first felt able to do this by looking at photographs and then developed it into the complex system it is today. It didn't happen overnight and I had to work at it just like any other skill but I'm sure half of it was God given. The ability to harness my old memories and analyze them is a big asset for me.

If you have been keeping up with the blog you will know that I tend to think for at least half an hour a day,many times longer, about my life and events past and present. This is where most of the thought occurs. By the time I am ready to write it all seems natural to me. I can just do it without having to think about it as its happening. I can think about something a month before I write it and only then is it recorded or could be found to exist.

Also with the regards to the book, I have not taken a single note or written anything down before or beyond what I have typed. I let my brain do the work and keep it to itself. I don't want anyone seeing my thoughts before they are ready, either of them. All that information may be hard to handle.

Questions or Comments? Let me know.

The Real Reason I Eat With Sterling Silverware

Since 2008 I have eaten each meal (at home) with a fork, spoon and knife made of sterling silver. Eccentric? Yes, of course. But then again there is a reason for everything. I came to the conclusion on day that I just couldn't go without having a set like this. You could say it was eating at me before I began eating with it. Part of it stems from being an amateur silversmith. I started doing that because I loved it so much. I only like doing things that make me happy and I'm sure you're the same way. I just tend to do some 'different' things than you do, and I don't mind at all. I embrace them because they are who I am.

At around the same time as I bought my silver set I was figuring out who I was. I did more research on AS than I had previously and it was a real eye opener. I quit fussing over why I did certain trademark things and just let them happen, for better or worse. A feeling of calm came over me when I realized who I was and not to be afraid of it.

Recently I sold the old three piece set and bought a four piece of a repousse design. Eating with a what can be considered artwork suits me well. It did cost a pretty penny ($160) but it was well worth it. Often times I just sit there and admire my set after I've used it. The fork gets used most often and even though I polished it a little the prongs react with saliva in a way that tones them a few different colors, most notably blue on the very tips. I don't think I need to tell you why I like this color or even what it means to me ;)

This is what the set looks like. Some of my older work can also be seen here but I am currently about to re-open my workshop, and with renewed vigor to boot.

http://community.webshots.com/user/preciousmetalman

Questions?

How Autism/Asperger's Makes Me Feel

Everyone has felt out of rhythm from time to time, with themselves as well as others. This is natural. But what if you were like me the beat kept changing or you felt like you lost it all together? This for better or worse is what autism feels like. It’s not something you can just feel like any other emotion. It is something you are born with, or without. Let me explain.

Since I was very young I would tell my father that I didn't feel the same as other kids and that somehow I just knew I was different. This is not because people told me so. It is because I observed what others were doing and did not feel the need or interest to do the same. And it wasn't just jealousy of what one or a couple other kids were doing. This was nearly everyone else. Even back then I could see the patterns of others and how they interacted with one another and how I perceived them to be. I didn't see myself as able or willing to behave this way. I could tell there was something 'off' about myself, but for years I could not figure out why.

Sixteen rolled around and I was formally diagnosed and that gave me more of an explanation, but then again, it didn't really explain anything at all. It wasn't until I looked into it, at 22, did I figure out what autism meant. It was then I began to figure out who I was. Even since then I have found out more but that did not come by reading books. It happened by thinking about the things I did and trying to analyze why I did them. For the last couple years I have taken out 30 minutes of each day, often an hour, to lie in my bed and think about myself and what is happening in my life at that moment or past events. I think why I did things a certain way and, if any changes had occurred, why they did so and for what reason. Some things do not change over time, some do, and the key for me is figuring out when and why they have.

Maybe its maturity or I just decided it was the best thing to do. Either way, change can happen for me, it’s just that it takes a while and options are weighed out beforehand. This whole process I sort of borrowed and adapted from an Einstein quote. He once said that "It not that I'm so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer". After all if it’s about you then you tend to take more time and care in figuring out as to 'why?’

Many of the things I used to be apprehensive about now seem childish and I wonder why I was afraid to partake. There are certain things that you can only do when you are younger, where the window is finite and it will close forever if not acted upon. I let a lot of these moments slip away; sad but true. The list is long and I know I can never get them back. Looking back is good for a point of reference, I don't let the past haunt me, too much. What I chose to do now is act on what I know I can still control or manage.

One of the curious things I figured out about my process of sitting and thinking to myself came in a psychology class a couple years ago. This tendency, as well as a few others that I definitely have but will not reveal at this time, is a hallmark of a self actualized person. Note: Know that even before I contemplated saying this I thought about it for a while ;)

I've said this before and I will say it again; Autism is not like being on a different page than everyone else, its like reading from a different book. Though my drummer may be erratic at keeping the beat, he has his moments that make even me think "Wow!"