How Autism/Asperger's Makes Me Feel

Everyone has felt out of rhythm from time to time, with themselves as well as others. This is natural. But what if you were like me the beat kept changing or you felt like you lost it all together? This for better or worse is what autism feels like. It’s not something you can just feel like any other emotion. It is something you are born with, or without. Let me explain.

Since I was very young I would tell my father that I didn't feel the same as other kids and that somehow I just knew I was different. This is not because people told me so. It is because I observed what others were doing and did not feel the need or interest to do the same. And it wasn't just jealousy of what one or a couple other kids were doing. This was nearly everyone else. Even back then I could see the patterns of others and how they interacted with one another and how I perceived them to be. I didn't see myself as able or willing to behave this way. I could tell there was something 'off' about myself, but for years I could not figure out why.

Sixteen rolled around and I was formally diagnosed and that gave me more of an explanation, but then again, it didn't really explain anything at all. It wasn't until I looked into it, at 22, did I figure out what autism meant. It was then I began to figure out who I was. Even since then I have found out more but that did not come by reading books. It happened by thinking about the things I did and trying to analyze why I did them. For the last couple years I have taken out 30 minutes of each day, often an hour, to lie in my bed and think about myself and what is happening in my life at that moment or past events. I think why I did things a certain way and, if any changes had occurred, why they did so and for what reason. Some things do not change over time, some do, and the key for me is figuring out when and why they have.

Maybe its maturity or I just decided it was the best thing to do. Either way, change can happen for me, it’s just that it takes a while and options are weighed out beforehand. This whole process I sort of borrowed and adapted from an Einstein quote. He once said that "It not that I'm so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer". After all if it’s about you then you tend to take more time and care in figuring out as to 'why?’

Many of the things I used to be apprehensive about now seem childish and I wonder why I was afraid to partake. There are certain things that you can only do when you are younger, where the window is finite and it will close forever if not acted upon. I let a lot of these moments slip away; sad but true. The list is long and I know I can never get them back. Looking back is good for a point of reference, I don't let the past haunt me, too much. What I chose to do now is act on what I know I can still control or manage.

One of the curious things I figured out about my process of sitting and thinking to myself came in a psychology class a couple years ago. This tendency, as well as a few others that I definitely have but will not reveal at this time, is a hallmark of a self actualized person. Note: Know that even before I contemplated saying this I thought about it for a while ;)

I've said this before and I will say it again; Autism is not like being on a different page than everyone else, its like reading from a different book. Though my drummer may be erratic at keeping the beat, he has his moments that make even me think "Wow!"