How to Deal with Change

"The more things change the more they stay the same". This is surely a quote you have heard many times in your life. When I first heard it, at around 12 years old it confused me, at first. I thought to myself 'how can things change and stay the same, isn't that a paradox (although I'm not sure I used that word at the time). I did figure out what it meant by experience, I guess. Per usual I'm going to start by talking about the past.
Our house was always changing. As the seasons came and went so did the designs that went with them. Halloween, Christmas, and spring brought about a new crop of colors to the house, and the fact that it was a large house (5000 sq ft) the decorations were pretty expansive. My mom saw the house as a canvas she had free reign on. I'm not sure how my dad felt, but he had to pay for it. Sometimes we would get a new couch or something larger and, for me, it was just another thing to get used to. In talking with my AS group while at college I found out that a couple kids hated it when their parents got new furniture, you could say the change terrified them. I guess its because the outside world is supposed to do all the changing, not the place they hold sacred; their house. From what I have gathered Aspy' care less open to change than other people. I used to have a quote (well I guess I still have it) about how I saw change. "The more things change, the more          I stay the same". It's not anything special, but it does say a lot about who I am.
I tend to have a loose schedule about what I have planned for the next day. I don't have it set in stone and I am actually quite flexible. There is no danger of me freaking out because I'm about to miss Wapner. If something comes up, I adjust. Life isn't always that perfect harmonic symphony, where all the notes are in order and each consecutive part comes in at the right time. It's more of just a jam band session where the people playing know the notes, but they aren't as on point as they think. The one thing I have the most trouble with in terms of planning for and then getting interrupted is food. I hate it when I am sitting down to a meal and then am forced to do something else and only an emergency is understandable at this time. If I make up my mind to do something later in the week then I tend to go, not matter what. There is a college story about how my car broke down and I HAD to borrow someones so I could drive down to KFC. I know, that is very odd, but once I get a certain type of food on the brain something just takes over. Some of the OCD things I do can fall into this category, sort of.
I usually walk down the street avoid the lines in the sidewalk, preferring to stay in between them on the solid parts of the squares that make up the path. This seems typical of some people. If I can't avoid the line, then I'm fine. This is not typical, however, and I just move on. Even while playing baseball I did something like this but that is more of an ingrained and accepted thing to be superstitious. Each time out the mound I would leap over the line that separated the grass, the base path, to avoid the white line. This line I avoided at all costs during a game, but like I said it can be unavoidable during practice when we are doing sprints and you had to touch it. To this day I think I'm the only Colombian afraid of white line. That was an attempt at humor, by the way. The thing about me and OCD is that I never got to the point where it interfered with my daily life. I have never had to do something so long that I missed something else entirely. I can deal with the fact that its not perfect and move on. True, I do like the toilet paper to be cleanly cut to the next piece after I'm done with it, but that doesn't take too long. I'm lucky with that , I guess, but many people with severe OCD are not, and its sad. Going back to what I was saying about the seasons changing, there is one thing that does so with it. This is something I could care less about and is a waste of money in my mind, fashion.
 Now women are all about fashion, I should know, having lived with two of them for a year during college. Heather had 23 pairs of just blue jeans, so many shoes it made me sick and sweaters, shirts, jackets and enough other things to make me wonder why. She had over $10,000 in there, by her own estimates, and that was only part of her wardrobe. I realize most women are like this, and I assume they realize they can't wear it all at once. As for me, I am not a person who is trendy when it comes to this department. I like my clothes to last a while, and the seasons don't matter. I wear pants 365 and I only put on shorts when I'm working out or going to the beach. There are reasons for this that I'm not going into now. As for the top half I tend to wear shirts that are all one color or limited colors, nothing that can be described as 'busy' in terms of design. I  wear a lot of black, just not enough where you would think I'm Amish. I don't like to stand out like a peacock. I prefer to stay low on peoples radar. In public I can be very elusive, getting in and out of an area and on with things. The only kinds of shopping I like are food and jewelry, although I am making more of the latter myself. The jewelry shopping is strictly for resell, as I now have a rule that I can't wear anything I don't make myself. I never pay retail and do a lot of browsing on eBay, clothes included. I don't buy jeans on eBay, just shirts and shoes many used or just slightly. Yard sales and thrift shops are a common place to see me, albeit for too long. I have shirts that I have had for two years. I'm not at the point where anything has holes in it but I use items until they are worn out and this goes for almost everything I own. I buy things that last and don't mind paying more for quality. And if you can get quality for a bargain then all the better.

I don't really no where to go with the rest of this post and I may have to add more, so let me sum up: Change is going to happen whether you are prepared for it or not, so be flexible and understand this important fact. It's funny but I think my increased flexibility has come in part from Bikram Yoga, but that could only be a biased opinion. My next post sort of has to do with change again, but this time its more about letting go (in all its different forms) and the troubles people have with that. It is aptly titled "How to get over things" and the contents may surprise you.


Questions or Comments? Let me know.

Disappointment & Shame, With a Hilarious Silver Lining

So I woke up last Tuesday, October 2nd and it was my sisters birthday, but that doesn't come into this story much (I called her at 8:30am, was the last in the family to do so, and sort of felt like a dick but I got over it). So that morning at was looking in the mirror and I noticed a small mark on my face that surely was not there the night before. I didn't think much of it and continued on my way. Over the next couple of days the mark grew in size and and spread a little. I began to think what it could be. Now I don't smoke cigarettes and never will (I did have a cigar at a bachelor party recently and it was fun and will probably do it again, but that's the line) but I have been known, on occasion to smoke something else. Go ahead, judge all you want, but I did cover this topic in an earlier post and describe the brief but very noticeable 'benefits' that this plant has on me. Anyhow, I was certain that by passing a joint around I had gotten my first cold sore aka herpes simplex. Right then I looked up pictures of it and sure enough they matched. When I picked up some Abreva at the drug store the tech on duty told me that it looked like herpes. I felt like a leper, doomed to walk the earth with this shit on my face forever, although not all at the same time, just whenever it broke out again. According to my dad, who like many people has it, I would be getting an outbreak about three times a year at most and maybe even far less often. I still felt bad, real bad. I was going through the 'seven stages of grief'  and got stuck on number four for a couple of days. I just couldn't stop feeling bad for myself and you already know how lonely I am to begin with. 

 I kept looking ahead in my mind about how to tell a girl and when (providing I meet one soon) about how every so often I would be getting mouth sores and then I would imagine her reaction. Either way you look at it can't be good because if she has it as well, I would have to be ultra cautious about not wanting it on my private areas or the other option; she runs away so fast that all you see are ass and elbows flailing. I don't think anyone would understand, I think for me that would be a deal breaker because things don't always work out and it seems like people are getting divorces just for fun these days. Armed with the better cream I got from dad, I prepared to embark on my new life of dodging glances (and to think I was just getting comfortable around people). The cream seemed to be good and dried out the area well, unlike Carmex which, according to the late Mitch Hedberg, was "cold sore hi-lighter". Friday evening came along and I was looking at my FaceBook news feed when a post from Deb Marree came up. You know those people who post political crap on their walls and make sure everyone knows their opinion? Well that is what Deb does,  with food and how it should be natural, but her posts are actually beneficial (like for instance you should only buy organic strawberries because all the non-organic ones have so much crap put into them it isn't worthwhile to eat at that point) to people who take the time to read them. I love food, a lot, so I read mostly all of them. Now Deb is a woman who contacted me from down under, literally she lives in Australia to help her son out with some autism related questions, which I was happy to answer. So I was reading a post that showed a rash on someones arm and her caption for the shared photo was 'I wasn't surprised to see "Autism" on this post !' didn't read the post but in the comments section, and by some miracle of God this was the first one so I didn't need to scroll down or open 'see all comments' to see it was the following "Ryan, it's not the actual mango you are allergic to, it's the skin. The peel contains urushiol, like poison ivy. Use gloves. (so I've heard) Don't believe everything i tell you!..lol" Three guesses to who ate fresh mango on Monday. Not only did I eat fresh mango but after taking it out of the fridge, you age them like a pear in a brown paper bag at room temperature and then put them in the fridge so they don't spoil. So the fruit was a little stiff around the core and I decided it was too hard to cut off with the knife so I just stuck my face in full force like a fat kid eating a chocolate bar. I rubbed my lips up against the skin and tried to get every last bit of fruit left. Now I had no idea that mangoes had urushiol, the same oil that causes the poison ivy rash in the skin and 5 mm into the fruit. This was the biggest relief I a have ever had in my life! Now I'm not going to say it doesn't itch like a mother and I haven't had poison ivy for around six years as I tend to freak out when I see three pointed green leaves mixed with red ( I even thought maple tree sprouts were poison ivy plants once upon a time). So I had a rash I knew a lot more about than the herpes I was sure I had. I simply washed my blankets, pillow covers, sheets, towels and clothes and yoga mat/towel because we do one posture in Bikram where you put your mouth on the towel, and I had eaten the mango the last day I did yoga. 

So there you have it. I was freaking out about having herpes when it was a case of mango-induced poison ivy rash. Everyone I told this story nearly died laughing when I told them that part and I can easily see why.  

As for me I have sworn of eating fresh mango for good, or at least letting it touch my lips and hands and I will certainly not be cutting up any myself. It should also be known that today my mom was relating the story around the office and a coworker was amazed to find out that her daughter, who had been to the doctor many times and even he was baffled by the sores she had in her mouth and on her lips, had her regular fresh mango eating habit to blame for it. My mom said the daughter 'lived off mangoes', according to the coworker. I guess she has to get off that wagon for good too. I think I’ll just settle for the lightly dried and bagged mango pieces I had while at Worcester Academy back in 2005, as they never gave me a bit of trouble. 

Questions or Comments? I’ll gladly pay for your stitches if you split your side with laughter. 

My Two Brains (Part 2) I Am A Child

So going back to what I was saying about my two brains. One is an overly cautious person while the other, newer one is someone who basically gives the weaker brain the finger. Now I don't know if what I'm about to describe to you is part of one brain or the other, or it may be part of both. Either way, this is the childlike part of me, and it isn't going anywhere.

I have an affinity for animals and they seem to trust me more than other people. This may be because they don't argue with you as much as a human would. You come home and they are so overjoyed to see you that nothing else at that point matters to them. As if to say "How was your day?!" in all its glorious variations they run at you with reckless abandon. I receive them as they receive me. If feel like they should understand me and take me as I am, I almost feel entitled to it, like I earned it or something. The feeling is really hard to describe, but its true. It doesn't really ever get old. I see dogs on the street and walk up to their owners and ask to pet them. Sometimes I even go to the MSPCA just to pet the kittens or puppies, as a  way to relieve stress, maybe. These are all things, besides the one that involves driving, that a child would do. Complete innocence is behind all of these actions and I am not afraid to look like an idiot in public when I ask the owner for a quick pet of their animal or make baby noises as I play with it. They can think whatever they want to, I probably won't be seeing them any time soon, so I don't worry about it. I am also good at various animal noises and such, birds cats and the like. I think this goes along with my lower/meets higher brain function I described in the earlier post entitled Call Me Captain Caveman. Besides my peculiar love and apparent connection with animals I do a couple things that could be categorized as 'child like' behavior.

Have you ever seen a baby smile and clap their hands vigorously in appreciation of something? Have you ever seen a grown man do it? This is perhaps the most goofy thing I do on a regular occasion, although I have to pin my hands down in public from doing so. This phenomenon, if you will, is typical brought on by an exciting thing/event being announced, tension mounting in a movie, the celebration of a live sporting event such as a walk-off home run or touchdown, or even the anticipation of substantial bids being placed as the seconds close down to zero on one of my eBay auctions. The bottom line is something exciting it always a trigger for this behavior. I first realized I did this a few years ago. I was watching TV and something exciting was happening so I broke out into a full clap like one of those cymbal toting toy monkeys. I hit the pads of my hands, just where all the fingers join to the hand, and it lasted for around three seconds. I mentally caught myself this time; I guess I had never done that before or didn't remember it. I didn't know where the clapping had come from and it seemed like such a lower brain function that I had to look it up to see if it meant anything. Well we all know it did. Still it didn't seem any less weird to me. Most things happen for a reason and some can't be explained. There is another thing that I do which is very childlike but it is something everyone does, more or less, to an extent.

When I get tired (and this is usually the mental variety) my patience, which is normally other worldly, along with my ability to concentrate, problem solve and do any type of higher reasoning goes right out the window. I also seem to be zombie like and my ability to carry on a meaningful conversation becomes that of trying to talk to a wall. I'm not sure but I think this is my brain trying to either conserve energy or regain it. The ONLY way that I have ever learned to deal with this problem, and it is a major one, is to self isolate. If I don't or you want me to be social, it isn't going to end well for everyone involved. You know how tired children get when you force them to interact? Just like the clapping thing, picture that happening with an adult; it isn't pretty. People who know me well know I have to flee at these times and not a whole lot can be done about it. The funny thing is I can sit alone in my workshop for eight hours and do the most intricate stuff, almost in a trance, but if you put me with people for less than four hours then I'm fried. Granted, the working alone does put me in 'the zone' and that is hard to get out of sometimes but at least I can still deal with people during this time. At this that time I am just like anyone else who is in 'the zone', hyper-focused.

So there you have it, for now. I will have to add more later in this subject I am sure of that. To sum up I have two brains. One is an adult who is more control now than before. He is rational and thinks ahead. The other is an overanxious fool who needs to be told the truth more often than not. The thing about these two brains is that they share a child who will always stay innocent and pure, no matter how often the parents need to fight. 

Fighting the Strep Throat Virus

My brother Jeff definitely had strep throat and was in my car, passenger side, when we all went to the drive in movie theatre in Maine. He has been out of commission with the real bug but my glands have only been swollen for the past two days, felt it on the first day, though, at yoga so there is a chance I will beat it. I'm taking it easy at the moment but will post once I feel better. Wish me luck!

The Clothes I Wear

I'm not what you would call fashion forward. I find something I like and stick with it. The seasons change but I stay the same. The outside world doesn't really have an effect on me as far as clothing goes. I tend to wear black shirts and more blue now for obvious reasons. People may call this boring, then again they are not me. I have even re-dyed clothing so it will last longer. I never wear shorts unless I am around the house or going to the beach. One reason for this is my constant fear of poison ivy carrying dogs and my own cat. Another, and more original reason, is that when I first started making jewelry I was pouring a lot of my own silver and was afraid of it spilling over and landing on my leg. I do wear a leather apron to prevent this, but I have become comfortable in pants, and comfort it king. I wear pants all year, even on 100F days. People think I'm crazy for doing this but I never complain.

The clothes I wear are also usually no design or bright color free. I like to fly under the radar and muted clothing keeps it that way. I wouldn't say I rival Amish people, though, but I'm not big on distracting colors or patterns. Back in high school I went on a dress pants wearing spree, which was sort of odd, but explainable.

I used to wear the most, well, low rent clothing to school. I wore summer baseball tea shirts and shorts you would wear to the beach. I still recall Chris Vining calling me out about it in front of the school library entrance. He said something to the effect of "You really have to start wearing better clothes". I took that to heart, but a little too far. I went out and bought dress pants, and nothing but dress pants. I wore them everyday, for five years. My friends in college asked me why I didn't wear jeans. I didn't really have an answer, so at the end of the year team party I showed up wearing jeans, and boy did they notice! Simple changes are always the most remarkable I guess. Clothes to me are just a pain in the ass, and a waste of money.

I don't like clothes shopping, it is so annoying and time consuming. It's a funny fact that my mom doesn't like it either, and here I was thinking all women were pre-programmed to love that kind of stuff. I generally know what I want before I go, I get what I need and get the heck out of there, back to my own life. I only like food shopping, specifically at whole foods. In college one of my roommates at the apartment Heather, the one who's platinum wedding band I made, had so much money in her closet it was ridiculous. She had 23 pairs of just blue jeans and probably over $10,000 worth of clothes in there. Maintenance actually had to come and screw the fixture back in the wall, twice, because she exceeded the 68 pound limit of the shelf and it broke. That amount of clothing just seems pointless to me, then again I'm not a woman who NEEDS an outfit for every occasion. I did go shopping with Heather and Danielle, my other roommate, and I hated it. They spent so much money it was unfathomable. They bought things just because they were on sale that they clearly could have done without. It does, however, keep the economy going.

 Here's to hoping all the girls I know want jewelry, and lots of it. Unlike the clothes they wear it will last forever and can be remade into whatever or sold quickly if they need it; although clothing was never really good at doing that.

Questions or comments?

Back From Vacation, New Posts to Follow

I was in Maine for a week, now back to blogging. New posts will be up with a couple days.

Coffee, Alcohol & Cigarettes: WHY?

Two things I have never done or will ever do: Cups of coffee or smoke a cigarette. Alcohol is in a category all its own and I'll get to that later. But with these two I have the right to ask why just as you have the right to partake. My only coffee experience was sitting at a restaurant with my mother when I was a child. She would pour a splash of coffee into one of the plastic containers of cream and I would drink it, mainly for the cream because it was so delicious. After I grew out of that phase, that was it. Growing up I never had the need for coffee. I can get up at any hour and function without the aid of caffeine, as many people cannot, and I have to many examples to list on both sides.
So why do people start drinking coffee? Is it because they imitate what they see from their parents, the media and friends? I guess it can be like beer where you don't like the taste at first but then get used to it and before you know it you have them casually with dinner. A lot more people become addicted to both because of the nature of the beast, but both boil down to what your brain craves. The whole thing becomes a physical battle. I know if I was stranded on an island I wouldn't want to blow my brains out during the withdrawal period.
I do think that the biggest factor is seeing everyone else partaking and feeling that pressure to follow the pack. As for myself, I don't necessarily run with the pack all of the time, as I'm sure you are well aware. In college it was more of a party atmosphere than anything else and I didn't want to be that guy who just hangs out and doesn't do anything, which I'm sure people respect for that, just not as someone they want to hang around with. Of course, there is the 'social lubricant' effect that alcohol has, although that has not been in my favor, yet. After school ended, and trust me I took every chance I could to party with my team, I was back to where I was. I don't casually crack open a beer with dinner or order a cocktail when I go out. It doesn't make me any more fun, and why do something just because everyone thinks you should? And no, I'm not a 'funectomy', I just pick my spots. The party I'm going to attend in a couple weeks with a whole bunch of my friends I am going to be drinking from 2pm-2am, and after that I'll be getting back to my own life. There is definitely a very fine line I walk on and I have heard people say that even if you don't drink during the week but party on the weekend you can still be an alcoholic. I counter that with the summer of 2010. I didn't have a drink the entire summer, simply because I didn't feel like it. This may be hard to believe. I forget what I was up to during that time but that is how it went down. No booze for four or so months. So tell me how, if I was an alcoholic, could I have done that. There is no answer for that and I'm sure the situation is a rare combination, just as I am. Now we come to the whole idea of cigarettes.
The factors that contribute to the use of tobacco are the same as coffee and alcohol, in a way, the only difference being that only one out of three a twelve year old can freely purchase. We clearly see the damage that they do over the long term so why do them at all? Am I really that stressed that you have to suck ash five or more times a day to help you cope with my problems? Do I want to look that much older so people will take you seriously? Can I afford it financially? These are the questions people don't ask when they take that first puff, then another, then another. They live in the moment and, before they know it, its too late! I will admit that I do, on occasion I do smoke weed. I treat it even with more respect than alcohol because no companies hiring test your BAC when you piss into a cup. I treat it as that fancy meal you go out for every few months. I also did not smoke any until I was 18 and did not while I was still a college athlete due to my fear of failing a drug test. It does normalize me, though, as I did go over in an earlier post; putting a temporary stop to most compulsions and overall slowing my brain down so I don't care about social pressures. But this doesn't mean my brain throws caution to the wind, its too tough for THAT to happen.
 I cannot however, justify its use simply because of what it does for me. I know it is wrong and I don't pretend otherwise, but just like alcohol, I know how to use it properly. I know its not going to make me smarter (in effect the opposite it true) or magically & permanently negate what my brain cannot seem to get over in terms of how it deals with people. All I ask is for a fun time at the ball before my carriage turns back into a pumpkin. Another word on cigarettes: You don't see a bunch of people laughing and having a good time when they are smoking them in a designated area, do you?

The thing to remember with all of these vices as that you are your own person and you can chose to do whatever you want, and no one can make you do otherwise (at least where I'm from). Unless, of course, you find yourself in rehab, then you should listen to those around you and start to make some better choices.

Questions or Comments? Let me know.