The Personal & Physical Traits of Aspergers Part 2: Blank expression much of the time

I have touched on this subject in earlier posts but I feel like including it again here, just in case you missed it. Have you ever seen someone walking around with a blank face? It's not uncommon at all as you can sometimes catch a person deep in thought or spacing out. But, if that person happened to be me, than that would be a different story. My standard expression doesn't change much and you can't easily tell sometimes when I am happy or sad, although at other times it will be quite obvious. I can't really help that I started out as a more unemotional person and then tempered myself ever further. I don't let most small instances bother me. If someone cuts me off in traffic, I don't beep the horn especially if it was by accident. What would beeping at them do, they know they screwed up so beating a dead horse is pointless in this case. If you're really going to let simple things get in your way then you may as well give up now. Getting mad lead to feeling angry and being stressed, I don't need that one bit. So back to the matter at hand, why do I have a blank face more often then not?

The first reason is comfort. They say 'comfort is king' and I feel most comfortable with my standard facial expression the way it is. You may have heard other people on the autism spectrum tell you this next fact: Smiling feels awkward, especially when it is forced. When I laugh, I smile. When I see something heartwarming or am playing with a kitten or a puppy, I smile. When I don't need to, I don't smile. To me a smile is like making small talk; I only like to have a conversation and a genuine smile is just that, something with substance, not something pointless. The next reason I don't smile may surprise you, but you will be able to see why just as easy.

If I am mentally tired and have things out in public I need to do and there is no way around it, or I'm in a mood where I simply don't feel like talking to anyone besides the people I need to deal with, I make my face as uninviting as humanly possible. People are less apt to talk to or even approach you when you are not smiling vs. smiling. The lack of a smile is a defense mechanism for me at times. Also, I routinely wear sunglasses to the supermarket or anywhere else that has a lot of people and I need to stay there for an extended period of time. I got a comment on this blog saying something to the effect of "Oh, the sunglasses are so you can cut down the amount of visual stimulation and you won't be overwhelmed, right?" Sorry, wrong. All people/cases are different and I myself am a professional goldsmith. I work with fire daily and it can get very intense/loud, especially if I am doing platinum work which is done with a hissing jet-engine like flame at 4,000F coming out of the torch head, and before that it was learning to drive a car, which I see everything and anything on the road. So the amount of visual stimulation is not the problem. The sunglasses are so people cannot see the blank expression my eyes also have. Have you ever seen the way zombies 'stare' in older movies? Yes, it is like that. I appear to be looking through objects, not at them. If you pair that with the blank expression on my face then you have the look of say, a psycho killer. There doesn't appear to be anything going on upstairs or there may be a few too many toys in the attic. I do shop without sunglasses sometimes and the people seem to take it well, although I 'feel' they are creeped out, but that may just be mild and unnecessary paranoia.

I think I have covered what I needed to, so until next time. Next trait up: Doesn't always recognize faces right away (even close loved ones), which I am going to completely blow your mind with why this one does NOT apply to me, at all. 

The Personal & Physical Traits of Aspergers Part 1: Repetitive Routines or Rituals

I'll admit that I do a lot of things often, and in certain ways. We all have a little bit of OCD in us but people, such as myself, on the autism spectrum tend to take it further and the level of which all depends on the person. If you can recall the scene from Rain Man when Charlie took Ray's book off of the shelf and Ray started to pace around and mutter to himself. I like to think of my room/workshop as an area where I have controlled chaos. The room in particular seems to get to a level of critical mass where it stays constant and it won't get any dirtier, but the minute I clean it is when it starts the cycle all over again. if you took a picture of my clean room every day for a month on the last day it would be back to where it was before I cleaned it. I like to do something and then, once done, move on. I am not a person who stops to clean up things that are harmless, like clothes. I do dishes and if I spill something it gets taken care of right away but things that are not time sensitive get lost in the mix. "I can always do this later" I think to myself, actually I stopped thinking that all together and simply move onto the next thing. My jewelers bench in my workshop (for those of you readers who don't already know I am a profession goldsmith and have worked on many pieces with a few  in the $15,000-$25,000 range, so I take it very serious) is a complete mess but this is a little more acceptable than a dirty room. I messy bench is a busy bench, it means you have work to do so that is good thing. I know where things are so it isn't really a problem. I'd like to get more organized in there but since I am the only one using it I keep it the way I see fit. Besides work and sleep there are other things that I do with only a loose repetition, which I will explain why I use that specific term later.

Whenever I open up a new pack of chewing gum (I have been cutting back on the habit these days) I always, after taking the plastic wrap off, open the flap and take an audible whiff of the contents, much in way a person taking in the fresh air high atop a hill in springtime would. I don't care who is around when I do this and I can't say for sure when I started it, but I do it each time. I would like to use an example of something more structured that I do a lot of repetition. I have been doing Bikram Yoga for a while now and I think what I do illustrates how I feel quite well. Each class is the same postures, in the same order for about the same time, each time, all in a 105F room with around 40% humidity. The poses don't change, only your body does.

My yoga routine is very much the same each time, but with the loose repetitive nature I mentioned earlier. I arrive a half hour early and park in the same area nearest the pole I always do. I am already chewing a piece of gum at this point and I walk into the building and sort of sprint up the stairs to the third floor where the studio is. I make sure the stairs are clear before I do this as I don't want any accidents. I then enter and drop my mat down while I take my shoes off before signing in. I chat with the teacher perhaps but this may be more so after I go into the hot room and drop my mat in my spot. It is first come first serve and I like my spot, hence the reason I get there early. After that is locked up I then leave the room and talk to whoever is coming in. I do a runners stretch resting each leg, in time, on the window sill while I watch for my fellow yogis. I then return to the hot room and do some other stretches, I have a first and second (and possibly third) wave of things that I do. I make sure my nostrils are clear and fill up my big water bottle, which I had left at the entrance to the hot room,  at the filtered tap. I then go the bathroom, wet my hair and spit my gum out in the trash ( you can't have anything in your mouth when class starts). I do my final bit of stretching while I talk to whomever is near me if I feel I can add something to the conversation. Once class starts I am all business. If people are looking at me, which they are usually focused on their own practice, then they would on a couple occasions see the blank 'zombie' stare people rarely ever get to see from me. After all I am in the front row directly in front of the mirror, and everyone is looking forward. This may seem a bit odd for a person who 99% of the time prefers stealth in social situations but I have my spot in the room and I stick to it, always, and it doesn't matter if the hottest woman in the world is over on the other side (if she liked me I'm sure she would move to where I am so I don't worry about it). When it comes to lay down on our backs I seek out my fourteen boards. They are right above me and I count them, up and down being once, a total of seven times. If I mess up, I scrap that specific pass over the boards with my eyes only. I typically do four during the long break on the floor and then the last three peppered throughout the entire floor set. If I am still counting when the teacher is at one of the many points where we do a sit up I continue counting and then do the sit up, I don't like to interrupt myself for anyone. I only do, at maximum a total of ten counts of the boards and that includes mess ups; I don't let it run my life. After the class is over I lay there with everyone else and once the door is opened and closed twice, it doesn't matter how many people go out at a time, I do a thirty three second leg lift with the last four seconds (30-33) being counted three times each. I then grab my stuff and exit the studio entirely and put my mat outside the lobby and then get a piece of gum from my shorts and greedily pop it into my mouth. I take this as a reward for a class well done. I then sit down on the benches just out of the inner studio and talk with the others who are slick with sweat and looking half dead sometimes. After I feel I've cooled down enough I exit the building entirely, start my car, roll down my windows, turn the radio up and I'm off. I do not know when this routine started and I have varied it a little over the nearly four years I have been doing yoga but I like it and feel very comfortable there, even when we are packed in the studio like sardines. The thing that does set me apart from most people with OCD/others on the spectrum is that I can vary my routine and not entirely freak out about it.

I do get a little annoyed when I have planned something and then it falls apart due to something that came up but I shake it off. That is life. Long ago I learned that things can and will change or go wrong entirely, and dealing with it is a necessity. Whenever I have planned on going to a concert or some other big even I prepare in advance. I haven't had one cancelled, yet, and I am not sure how that would go; I'd probably just be mad for a little while longer than usual and move on to the next thing. You should know that when I say a while I mean an hour at most. I do have a hybrid child-like brain that can get over things quickly and shift gears rapidly. If I didn't have this trait I don't know where I would be now, but it is a mixed bag, more on that phenomenon in a later post perhaps.

As far as other things that were brought up in Rain Man, I do not eat my meals the same each night of the week, buy my underwear at K-Mart or count cards like a computer, but I do share many of the traits, just with less of an effect on my mental state. I will get to those in further posts of this series but for now I feel I have said almost enough.


Questions or Comments? Let me know.

New Post Topic Series: The Personal & Physical Traits of Asperger's

There is a list of personal & physical traits of Asperger's on the website help4aspergers.com and I and going to delve into each of them, individually. I will highlight the severity or lack thereof of each one and I will be sure to pepper in stories along the way. This is going to be both fun and revealing, and you will get details straight from the horses mouth (or ass, as I tend to make a fool out of myself more often then not). Enjoy! 

The Last Couple Months (Work Stuff)

I realize it's been a while since my last post. I have been busy, for once. Along with my own jewelry business, which has grown and I am starting to do a lot more I am working for a guy who's getting audited. my dad helped him out of a jam and he needed someone to run the numbers that didn't mind working long hours, mainly alone. That sounded like a perfect fit and I have been with the company for over three months and it's basically my boss, myself and his son who pitches in when his insomnia isn't too bad. My job involves data entry for all the employees that have worked for the three companies that my boss owned. The data goes back to 2007.

A couple of years ago he sort of just pulled a Dave Chappelle and checked out, and all the big contracts the companies had went with him. I have no doubt he knows how to be successful,and will be again, but he can be abrasive, sort of like myself. Also, and I told my dad this after my first day, that I think my boss and his son are both somewhere on the spectrum. The son is quiet, but they both make a lot of off color jokes and don't really handle stress well. Both are very smart and will ramble on if given the chance to speak of something they are passionate about. One thing I found odd, though, is that after 17 of not smoking my boss started up again four years ago. I asked him why and he couldn't give me a clear answer. I told him I thought it was a pretty stupid idea and he agreed.

The funny thing about working where I do is that it is sort of relaxed but you have to get your work done. my 'office' is actually just a separate space in the basement with everything I need. My commute is only a mile and a half and that is only one or two turns and I'm there or home. The pay is all right, but not high. Every Wednesday, payday, I ask him if he's "fired the printer up yet", a way of asking for my money. We are pretty open with how we feel about things, not much subtlety like at the other jobs I have worked in the past.

I don't have to deal with anyone really. I'm in a room, given work and I do it. I don't even see my boss most of the time. He checks in and answers any questions, but often he Houdini's for hours at a time. I text him, or call if he is really needed, and he says he'll be back soon or to just wait, and I understand that I'll be paid for it. Last Friday I arrived and just as I was getting out of my car he yells to me "Get back in your car, I have a meeting with my lawyer so there won't be any work today, but pay yourself for four hours and head on home". He didn't need to tell me twice.

Since it is steady work, I got nine to five most days, I'll try to hold onto it until the audit is complete. It seems to be getting there as he has been to the IRS and had a bunch of lawyer meetings lately. I mean, realistically, how long can those guys give you to get your stuff together? For now I will take the money as it comes, spend it as I have been on jewelry that will only make me more money (I am a pro at this) and save the rest and reinvest what I make off what I just bought. Whenever it ends I will be in a much better place than when I started, that is for sure. 

Asperger's vs. Fiery Latino Passion

Outspoken, loud, fiery, passionate: these words describe what most people associate with people of Latino/Hispanic descent. But, these four words are almost always left out when talking about someone on the autism spectrum. I am a member of both of these circles and I am here to tell you that one of them is clearly dominate over the other. I don't know if it was really ever a choice for me. For me, Asperger's and its character traits win out over raw emotion.

Now of course there are times when I express emotions over certain situations. I feel excitement and the effects of drama when I watch or take part in sports. My competitive nature whist taking part in athletics has always been fierce, I don't like to lose that is for sure, but I'm not about to pull a John Mcenroe tantrum when I wind up on the losing end. I take my losses like a man. But other than that, I am as even keel as they come. In fact I am not easily angered by the usual stupidity in the world that other people are, although I do have some simple things that can get to me. And when things do happen, say when someone cuts me off when driving, I rarely if ever beep the horn. If I were to use the horn what would the person I used it against learn anyhow? I see more reasons not to react than to in most of life's situations, so why waste energy doing so? That is how I feel any way.

Being outspoken is not one of my strengths and I only am so when I think something really matters. I am not talking about general chit chat here, either, as I can be quite the chatterbox if you get me going. This is when I feel that there is something so wrong with the situation I'm witnessing that I have to take a stand. I don't do so unless it is something I truly care about. When the teacher used to ask "Now are there any questions" I was always hoping that someone else would ask why I was too embarrassed to. There is a certain type of situation that I do experience some of both parts of the four words stated earlier; situations that involve money.

I tend to get a little more stressed when there is money on the line. Whether it be bidding on eBay or negotiating prices in a store I find an arousal of emotion occurs in me. This isn't always the case, as some negotiating must be kept close to the vest, a good example being when I buy diamonds at the jewelers building. I like to 'play the game' when people try to negotiate with me on some of my merchandise, usually jewelry, though. I find it fun. By 'play the game' I don't mean that I'm trying to screw people over, just I like to think of it as a sport that leaves each side satisfied in the end; dissatisfied people tend to end things before an agreement is reached and you don't get paid.

When I argue with people they tend to do most of the yelling, just ask my mom. She has been set to tears on numerous occasion while I just sat there and watched. All I can do is sit there and wait, even exiting the situation and waiting until the next day when she has calmed down to discuss matters. Sorry, but I don't like dealing with emotional wrecks. The thing about that is you get into a situation where nothing can be agreed upon and anything THEY say is right and its as if your opinion doesn't matter. I tend to be the one who keeps my composure, and if other people were to watch they would clearly agree, but too bad the kinds of heated arguments between two people usually occur without an audience.

So that's about all I have for this one. The bottom line is I don't express emotions when I feel it is fine to do without them. I  make a great third party moderator and look at issues in an unbiased manner, allegiances be damned. If you want to hear the truth then ask me, I'll give it to you with a strait face, just don't ask and expect me to sugarcoat things or to go along with your view point; we Aspy's have never been good at lying.    

Comparing Asperger's (at least my own version) to Platinum

I have long since figured out that I can compare two seemingly incomparable things to make people understand. All you have to know how to do is find something that works, and then run with it. I did another example of something else that I am saving for the book, but this one will be how working with the precious metal platinum is like dealing with an Aspy. Just like in the other example I will first do the run through with one thing and then the other. You may get confused, but don't skip to the end, just read and wait for it, trust me, in the end, it will all make sense ( I hope).

Many bench jewelers/goldsmiths are used to the everyday tasks that are expected in their job. Gold, no matter what alloy or color, is pretty similar in terms of what you can and can't do with it, and what to expect out of the metal when you are working with it. True, white gold has some special rules that need to be followed, such as not quenching it in water when it is still hot and the colored gold alloys have some other certain characteristics but, overall, gold is gold. It can be sold easily enough to buyers all around the world and has been used as a currency for millenia. Although it can take many forms, people usually know gold when they see it, but not all that glitters is gold, clearly. There is a more recently discovered metal used in jewelry, although it was used long ago and then almost forgotten and then remembered again. Platinum is a metal that does not wear away with constant use and hardly tarnishes. It stays very constant and can be made into very thin pieces that, if made from gold, would break easily. Platinum does have plenty of cautions and drawbacks, however, that must be considered before working with it.

In terms of alloy type, there are a few main ones that are used in jewelry. There is 95/5 platinum-ruthenium which is good for casting and is OK for hand fabrication, 95/5 platinum-cobalt is ideal for casting because it flows really well when cast and can be easily polished, but it does oxidize when being welded. A long time favorite is 90/10 Platinum-Iridium which works well in nearly every jewelry application, whether it be casting or hand fabrication. This alloy suits most jewelers well. Different alloys are used specifically for certain procedures and that is why they were invented in the first place. After an alloy is chosen then begins task of making something out of it. I prefer 90/10 Platinum-Iridium and this alloy is what most of the older platinum rings from the late 19th and early 20th century were made of. One thing to watch out for when working with any platinum alloy is contamination, i.e. the exposure to certain things that can effect its work-ability  The same tools and techniques that work wonders on gold do not work at all when making jewelry out of platinum. An oxygen-propane torch is preferred over oxy-acetylene because the latter expels carbon that the platinum can absorb, making it brittle. A special ceramic surface should be used instead of a charcoal block, again because of carbon. No flux should be used, as the high temperatures used in soldering and welding render to flux noneffective and can even contaminate the alloy. Only tungsten, with its high melting point, should be used when handling hot platinum. Steel will only leave a mark of oxidation that could be difficult to remove. Platinum is a fickle metal, unforgiving and a lot of things can go wrong without the use of proper techniques. Even the rolling mill must be cleaned and freshly oiled to avoid pressing other metals into it. All tools must be lubricated when cutting and filing because the incredible density makes platinum hard to cut through. 

Heat is the most important thing when working with platinum. It has to get very, very hot and the heat has to be direct. While most flames used in jewelry are neutral to only slightly oxidized, a platinum flame has to be nearly all oxygen, with a trademark 'hiss'. Trust me, you will know you are using the proper flame by the sound of it. The first time inexperienced jewelers work with platinum they have no idea how hot and direct the flame has to be and what they end up using has very little effect on the metal. Quickly enough, though, they do learn that you have to adapt to the metal you are working with. There is no fluttering around the piece when you heat it, just move the flame in and be direct and you should have no problem. It should be noted that proper eye wear must be used in order to filter the highly dangerous UV rays that glowing platinum emits and only a #5 shade or above will work. There is little danger of melting platinum when you use the proper flame size, but if you use the wrong one then the metal will collapse just like any other. This is hard to do, but if you feel the metal is about to melt then back the flame off a little and let the metal cool before reapply heat. It may seem a little odd, but freshly heated platinum will still glow for a while before cooling. It is not uncommon when melting it to put the piece underwater and still have it glow red for a time before it fully cools. Soldering and fusing platinum is also something of a different nature.

Platinum fusion involves melting the metal to itself, no solder needed. I have actually done this with a bracelet I am making at the moment, see picture. It can be scary at first to do (I only do the in-hand holding to prove a point) but it is always a thrill. Soldering the metal is also interesting, again due to heat, but it is still just soldering in the end. The one very hard aspect of platinum is polishing it.

You have to start polishing with the lowest grit possible, and this can really take a while. While with gold and silver you can simply do Tripoli to remove the surface scratches and then Rouge to polish, platinum involves using 200, 400 grit, then 800, 1500, 4000, 8,000 and even 12,000 with the lower numbers coming from hand files and polishing papers. Platinum does NOT wear away with constant use and ordinary polishing agents will not affect it, trust me I have tried. If you skip a step, you will wish you didn't. You can't polish a scratch out of platinum, it only becomes shinier. Every step of the way you must make sure you have a uniform finish before moving onto the next grit, and then you need to clean the piece and use a different buff to apply the next step because it won't work properly if you don't. In the end, though, it is worth it, and the piece shines with a luster, almost looking 'neon' in some cases. You may be asking yourself, are all of these special techniques & processes worth it and how do they relate to me as a person on the autism spectrum?

People on the autism spectrum are similar to others, but with some major differences that make us seem like our own category of human being, and even then there are many different alloys (although platinum is a metal, it is not like working with silver and gold, at all and certain knowledge is needed in order to avoid disaster).  As far as my character goes, I am hard to change. There needs to be extreme forces at work in order for me to make changes happen (the high heat of the torch). If you put too much heat on me for too long then a melt-down is inevitable and it can take me longer than you think to get my head right (I need a mental rest after extended social interaction to cool down, and if you try to converse with me before that time you are wasting your breathe, and may get burned or at least feel like you did). I will resist some change, I have learned to go with the flow, and if I don't like what is happening I will not comply at all and even take myself out of the situation (any 'other' metal, or even the wrong fuel system, that gets into a platinum alloy and then heat is applied, will contaminate it and you will need to remove the affected pieces before proceeding). In terms of social interaction, it was hard for me to act appropriate sometimes (take a 'polish' or a 'shine' to people) and learn how people are supposed to interact with one another. This was mainly in my younger years. I have, with time and many embarrassing experiences, learned how to act around others. All of these mistakes I made (by learning not to skip steps and focus on the little things) have helped me to start to shine. So is it all worth it in the end?

If you want to know someone of the spectrum then you have no choice. If your son or daughter, friend or relative, someone you want to know but they seem to have a barrier up that you want to break down the wall of communication and understanding, then yes, it is all worth it.

We can be hard to deal with, you may think you did everything right, but missed one important detail, and that is why it hasn't worked out in the past. This last statement can either be true of me looking at you, or you looking at me. I try harder than ever to get on the same page as other people but still lack polish in that area. I know it will come, and I have shown measured improvement, but it takes a while.

Is a Person's Knowledge of Asperger's Specific Symptoms Something That Can Be Overcome?

Some of the paragraphs are going to run on, but bear with me until I get the message across on this post, or at least attempt to.

When I first learn about Asperger's at age 16, when I was diagnosed, I didn't think much of what it meant. To me it was an answer to a question, one that my parents and I both had, as to what was 'going on' with me. I did not look into any real information about it until my senior year in college, so there spanned a six year gap where I was sort of on my own without the knowledge I possess about myself today. Bog Seger said it best; "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then". I could have used the pertinent information to gain some understanding and then draw my own conclusions. If, back then, I had know that reading female body language was a major problem I probably would have tried to figure out a way to try to crack that code a little sooner. I still am having problems with it and I am always trying to read articles that relate to the female prospective. Some are insightful, most re not. In my time trying to understand things ( anything really) I have come to conclude that the earlier I take action the better. This should be obvious to most, but when the thing you are trying to understand is not always clear cut it can be a daunting task.

For years I would come home from school exhausted. The simple explanation was that I was tired and needed a nap, so I took one. This worked, but I would also not be able to fall asleep later on and this was a problem. I couldn't figure out how to solve this problem and never changed my habit. I found working out helped to allow me to re-burn  some of the energy I had gained from the nap. This may seem like the problem was solved, but it was just beginning. In college I learned about why I get tired and it was different than I previously thought.

Human interaction takes a tremendous toll on the brain of anyone on the autism spectrum. After prolonged exposure to reading body language and social cues the inevitable happens, the brain goes into what I call "survival mode". This isn't something I let people, even family, see. I self-isolate as best I can and ride out the storm, so to speak. It usually takes 45 minutes to an hour for me to come around again. I tend to either listen to music or read during this time, but I try to stay awake or at least think so I don't fall asleep, because as I have already stated that affects my sleep patterns. This self administered cure came for the first time when I was relaxing in one of the upper floors of the library on the Umass Lowell South Campus. My spring (this occurred mainly at first in spring when I was on south campus) and then final fall semesters (shoulder surgery the year before had me drop a couple classes and I had to make them up without taxing myself too much) had a break before the next class so I would head up a couple floors to be alone. I was also in the Asperger group at school  so I had a lot to think about. I would lay down on one of the two seated pleather couches and veg out in thought. I would think about anything and everything. When I was done I felt renewed, but it wasn't one of those "Now I can take on the world" feelings, it was more subtle than that. I just felt like my head was more clear, although I didn't realize yet why. Every day I would do this for about an hour, school or not and each time after I would feel better mentally afterwards. It was sort of all at once I realized why I had been feeling exhausted after a long day at school and what could be done about it. I still use this process today in order to refresh my brain and work out many problems I am having during the time I spend alone. So the question is, if I knew from the get go that human interaction taxed my brain so much that I would need a break after a certain amount of time would I have learned how to deal with it quicker or simply avoided it by keeping out of social situation all together? Well, I did isolate myself anyways after school unless it was in high school when I had baseball practice. My friends only knew me at school and being the ace of the pitching staff but never going out on the weekends must have seemed odd to them. In a perfect high school world I would have been the center of attention and hip-deep in girls. The fact remains, I wasn't, and I didn't even go to prom, I didn't even consider it and none of my friends ever asked if I was going or asked me any questions as related to the event. They did not know of my struggles with Asperger's (and still don't) so I don't blame them. In high school its everyone one for themselves I guess.

When someone tells me I can't do something I try to prove them wrong, that is just the competitor in me. I just take their ignorance of my ability as something I have to shatter. If science tells me I can't do something then I take the facts with a grain of salt and see what I can do about it. This is very important: If you think you cannot do something then you will not. Once again this is obvious, but when it is proven over and over again that the odds are against you, even by your own experiences and trial & error, you wonder if it is true. Most people would have given up by now trying to do some of the things I do. When I learned that fine motor skills were very difficult for all people on the spectrum the last career you think I would have attempted would be a goldsmith. Not that I am comparing myself to him, but when Tom Brady was looked at, and over by NFL scouts, the one thing they seemingly refused to notice was his heart. My college baseball coach always wanted the guys with fire in their belly because that translates into a work ethic that allows them to get better over time. Although he never said the latter part I now realize that is why he always went with the guys who were 'gamers'. In reality I was a gamer. I was always the smallest kid on the diamond. In high school other teams thought I was the bat boy; they didn't think so after I went out and sat them down time and again. I always was good at baseball, and that was a direct result of me wanting to get better and putting the time in. I had a private pitching coach in high school that I went to once a week in the off season. He helped me tremendously and is one of them main reasons I got into college and played at such a good baseball school. Just like Tom I could have gone division I if I had more of the profile build over a power pitcher, but some things can't be helped. You can't teach size, and I was simply too short. I gave my all each and every time I pitched and I went as long as I could until I needed shoulder surgery, but I have no regrets. Anyway, back to me at present again.

The reason I like jewelry so much is that I can have complete control over it. It doesn't talk back and has some very unique problems that need to be solved sometimes, and I love problem solving. The pure fact that my lack of fine motor skills would hinder me was something I felt I could get over, with time, and I have come a long way since my early days as the bench. The 'gamer' coach always touted came out in me, and boy do I love what I do. Almost anything can be overcome if you put your mind to it and I am proof of that.

I know there are more things I have to work on, but I have so many hours in the day to get done what I need to and the time I spend thinking each day isn't enough to figure everything out, but I know that by continuing to try I will get there, eventually.

Questions or Comments?