Is a Person's Knowledge of Asperger's Specific Symptoms Something That Can Be Overcome?

Some of the paragraphs are going to run on, but bear with me until I get the message across on this post, or at least attempt to.

When I first learn about Asperger's at age 16, when I was diagnosed, I didn't think much of what it meant. To me it was an answer to a question, one that my parents and I both had, as to what was 'going on' with me. I did not look into any real information about it until my senior year in college, so there spanned a six year gap where I was sort of on my own without the knowledge I possess about myself today. Bog Seger said it best; "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then". I could have used the pertinent information to gain some understanding and then draw my own conclusions. If, back then, I had know that reading female body language was a major problem I probably would have tried to figure out a way to try to crack that code a little sooner. I still am having problems with it and I am always trying to read articles that relate to the female prospective. Some are insightful, most re not. In my time trying to understand things ( anything really) I have come to conclude that the earlier I take action the better. This should be obvious to most, but when the thing you are trying to understand is not always clear cut it can be a daunting task.

For years I would come home from school exhausted. The simple explanation was that I was tired and needed a nap, so I took one. This worked, but I would also not be able to fall asleep later on and this was a problem. I couldn't figure out how to solve this problem and never changed my habit. I found working out helped to allow me to re-burn  some of the energy I had gained from the nap. This may seem like the problem was solved, but it was just beginning. In college I learned about why I get tired and it was different than I previously thought.

Human interaction takes a tremendous toll on the brain of anyone on the autism spectrum. After prolonged exposure to reading body language and social cues the inevitable happens, the brain goes into what I call "survival mode". This isn't something I let people, even family, see. I self-isolate as best I can and ride out the storm, so to speak. It usually takes 45 minutes to an hour for me to come around again. I tend to either listen to music or read during this time, but I try to stay awake or at least think so I don't fall asleep, because as I have already stated that affects my sleep patterns. This self administered cure came for the first time when I was relaxing in one of the upper floors of the library on the Umass Lowell South Campus. My spring (this occurred mainly at first in spring when I was on south campus) and then final fall semesters (shoulder surgery the year before had me drop a couple classes and I had to make them up without taxing myself too much) had a break before the next class so I would head up a couple floors to be alone. I was also in the Asperger group at school  so I had a lot to think about. I would lay down on one of the two seated pleather couches and veg out in thought. I would think about anything and everything. When I was done I felt renewed, but it wasn't one of those "Now I can take on the world" feelings, it was more subtle than that. I just felt like my head was more clear, although I didn't realize yet why. Every day I would do this for about an hour, school or not and each time after I would feel better mentally afterwards. It was sort of all at once I realized why I had been feeling exhausted after a long day at school and what could be done about it. I still use this process today in order to refresh my brain and work out many problems I am having during the time I spend alone. So the question is, if I knew from the get go that human interaction taxed my brain so much that I would need a break after a certain amount of time would I have learned how to deal with it quicker or simply avoided it by keeping out of social situation all together? Well, I did isolate myself anyways after school unless it was in high school when I had baseball practice. My friends only knew me at school and being the ace of the pitching staff but never going out on the weekends must have seemed odd to them. In a perfect high school world I would have been the center of attention and hip-deep in girls. The fact remains, I wasn't, and I didn't even go to prom, I didn't even consider it and none of my friends ever asked if I was going or asked me any questions as related to the event. They did not know of my struggles with Asperger's (and still don't) so I don't blame them. In high school its everyone one for themselves I guess.

When someone tells me I can't do something I try to prove them wrong, that is just the competitor in me. I just take their ignorance of my ability as something I have to shatter. If science tells me I can't do something then I take the facts with a grain of salt and see what I can do about it. This is very important: If you think you cannot do something then you will not. Once again this is obvious, but when it is proven over and over again that the odds are against you, even by your own experiences and trial & error, you wonder if it is true. Most people would have given up by now trying to do some of the things I do. When I learned that fine motor skills were very difficult for all people on the spectrum the last career you think I would have attempted would be a goldsmith. Not that I am comparing myself to him, but when Tom Brady was looked at, and over by NFL scouts, the one thing they seemingly refused to notice was his heart. My college baseball coach always wanted the guys with fire in their belly because that translates into a work ethic that allows them to get better over time. Although he never said the latter part I now realize that is why he always went with the guys who were 'gamers'. In reality I was a gamer. I was always the smallest kid on the diamond. In high school other teams thought I was the bat boy; they didn't think so after I went out and sat them down time and again. I always was good at baseball, and that was a direct result of me wanting to get better and putting the time in. I had a private pitching coach in high school that I went to once a week in the off season. He helped me tremendously and is one of them main reasons I got into college and played at such a good baseball school. Just like Tom I could have gone division I if I had more of the profile build over a power pitcher, but some things can't be helped. You can't teach size, and I was simply too short. I gave my all each and every time I pitched and I went as long as I could until I needed shoulder surgery, but I have no regrets. Anyway, back to me at present again.

The reason I like jewelry so much is that I can have complete control over it. It doesn't talk back and has some very unique problems that need to be solved sometimes, and I love problem solving. The pure fact that my lack of fine motor skills would hinder me was something I felt I could get over, with time, and I have come a long way since my early days as the bench. The 'gamer' coach always touted came out in me, and boy do I love what I do. Almost anything can be overcome if you put your mind to it and I am proof of that.

I know there are more things I have to work on, but I have so many hours in the day to get done what I need to and the time I spend thinking each day isn't enough to figure everything out, but I know that by continuing to try I will get there, eventually.

Questions or Comments?

World Autism Awareness Day: Looking Back At Myself, It Was Always Obvious

When my parents first picked me up down in Colombia I was simply their third child and second son who they loved very much. My brother, sister and me we all adopted from Colombia, although I came along a few years after they did. That story is a miracle in itself and I need to get all the facts straight before sharing it with you (you might have to wait for the book to be done for that one). They got me home and showed me to the world. But there was something they couldn't figure out. I wouldn't look at anyone and whenever someone tried to pick my up I would arch backwards. They called this "The Arch", both appropriately and not surprisingly. Even to this day if someone tries to touch under my armpits I will violently close the gap, often throwing an elbow; do not test me on this. Other than that I was fine, just like any other child.

Whenever I ask my dad about my childhood he takes it the wrong way. It's odd but I feel like he doesn't see Asperger's as something that affects me. Anyhow, I asked him once if he recalls why I didn't often smile in pictures as a child. He immediately burst out "You were a happy kid!" No, shit dad, we had everything I could have ever wanted growing up. If he let me finish my thought it would have been known that I felt no one saw this as the first red flag. The picture above is what I am talking about. Here at four years old I am shown playing with blue Play-Doh and wearing a blue shirt, both very fitting. there is also no one around me. I would always go over an make objects with the ball and rolling pin. You could say I gravitated towards them with reckless abandon. On the playground, however, I would join in with everyone else, but when I could, I would self isolate and that remains true to this day.

At around age twelve my mother asked me if I wanted to join a play group with a couple kids I knew. I declined and I liked that she was always one to allow freedom of choice. All those kids ended up going to private school anyway. Around the same time I began telling my father, I'm different dad, I don't know what it is, but there is a reason I don't do what the other kids are doing. This didn't concern him too much as he must have thought I was approaching puberty and that my brain was already starting to change. The thing with parenting is that you can't be there all the time, you don't know what your child is exposed to when you are not around. You don't see how they do in social situations and why they take themselves out of them voluntarily. I don't place any blame on them, in fact there is no blame to be had by anyone. I am who I am and wouldn't change it for the world.

Life would simply be too boring if I were someone else. True, I've missed out on a bunch of things that you neurotypicals take for granted i.e dating, going to prom, fitting in (period) and understanding body language, but you don't have some of the talents I do. In a way we are all equal, we are given certain thing we can and can't do and it is our task to figure out and nurture those gifts. I am not talking about economics situations here, either, but we all know that helps and can hinder people just as much. I am talking about exploiting your own natural talents in order to make a better life for yourself. You are given all the tools, all you have to do is get to work.

I don't really know how to end this post, but I will say this, you know more of 'US' than you think you do, so keep your eyes open as we are everywhere.

Working Out With My Brother

So being a former college athlete, baseball, I am always trying to stay in shape. I do Bikram Yoga on a regular basis but with the pending allergy season upon me I have decided to go all out. I did P90x a couple years ago and had good results, namely building up my chest and arms which were lacking in definition. I do have past injuries to both shoulders, my right torn and then repaired and my left is still torn, and was able to get through the program without too much discomfort. For my birthday, end of September, I received, at my own request, Insanity: Asylum. There is the regular insanity program that is 60 days, this one is 30 and is meant to be the next step. I didn't use the program but was planning to at some point. A couple of weeks ago my brother decided to do it with me. I typically don't work out with a partner, go figure, but I took it as an opportunity to bond some more with Jeff. We don't see one another as often as we used to. That has obviously changed recently.

The workouts themselves are borderline brutal: Non-stop intense routines with all the hard moves emphasized  Having not done the prior program we both found ourselves humbled in the first five minutes of day one. We hit the pause button a couple times that first day, but that has stopped, unless something worthy of our full attention comes up, which is rare. We have both lost weight and  my arms are back to where they were a couple years ago. Jeff has lost more than I have (and honestly he had more to lose) and things are looking great at the halfway point. I went back to yoga yesterday and it seemed almost like a joke in terms of my stamina. Some things I had trouble with due to a little less shoulder flexibility, but I'll take that trade off for now.

I will say that, in terms of my movements, some of the routines are awkward for me to do (mainly the leg movement ones). I only become better coordinated after a few times around and by then it is over. That one I will chalk up to being on the autism spectrum but, as with learning how to put everything together to pitch a baseball, difficult things can be done, in time. I'll let you know how it ends in a couple more weeks.

Shopping with Half a Brain: A First Hand Account

So today was a busy day for me, second day back from vacation and I had a lot of running around to do. In my travels I interacted with a lot of people, naturally. As many of you already know, prolonged exposure to people starts or continues a cycle of mental decay that ultimately ends up with my brain partially shutting down and moving into auto-pilot mode. At this point my ability to articulate, major problem solving skills and facial expressions diminish to basic function. My legendary patience for people (as I am a goldmsmith and you can't work on something all day and then rush it to finish or get pissed enough that you make a horrible mistake) goes right out the window. I become a whiny child who needs a nap and eventually all of this leads to me becoming a zombie basically, and I NEVER allow people to see me at this point, not even my own mother. I would have written this down right after it happened, but my brain was shot, so here goes:

I had only been at the supermarket for five minutes and I felt it creeping on steadily. The older lady at the deli counter had an ad in her hand stating that this type of ham was better than that and that it was on special or something. The people working the counter didn't know what she wanted and she sort of argued with them for a while and everyone else holding a number was forced to wait. Normally I would have found this amusing, but I my number was such that I could be called quickly so I opted not to wander off and hunt for other items on my list. Finally the disagreement was worked out and it was my turn. The lady had left with her ham and she was out of earshot so I said as loudly as possible "I'll take ham, too, I'll have whatever kind that doesn't hold the line up". A few people laughed. After I got my meat I then set off to find the rest of my list.

Now I will say there is the expected aimless wandering at the supermarket that we have all experience. You know where everything is, for the most part, but you get to that point where you tend to wander around with no clue. This was happening to me, but with an added bonus. My 'symptoms' came about almost as quickly as a werewolf changes. I found myself reading the list and having to backtrack more than once. I'd park my carriage somewhere and forget where it was or have the need to ask someone where an item was, but didn't want to converse with them because, well, you know.

 "Fresh 100% lemon juice?" SOB! Will this stuff in front of me do? I better text Mom to see if that's what she wants or will this reconstituted crap in the fake lemon suffice? I better include a picture just to be sure. Come on, answer back. (She was at a basketball game watching my cousin cheer). Let's go already...Should I get it or not?! Well if it were me, and I am very specific about things I like (which people seem to be  too stupid to understand) and I would want it to be as fresh as possible. 'Please answer me back, I feel I need to get out of here' I frantically texted. I'm sitting here waiting trying not to look around or make eye contact with people and my heartbeat is starting to quicken. Capacity for reasoning is waving bye-bye. 'I guess I'll just get you fresh lemons and juice them myself' I throw a whole bunch in a bag and head towards the checkout area. Ok, which one of these poisons do I pick? Well this one has more people in but they have less stuff each. Um......this one I guess. I get there, wait for my turn, last person in the line, when it dons on me; I still need to get canned stewed tomatoes! She's going to get pissed if I forget those! Audibly, I let out a single word, "f***..... Great, I really need to deal with this s*** right now, I think to myself. I walk to the canned vegetable isle and begin looking for them. Soups of all kind and potatoes, carrots, peas etc, but no tomatoes. I scour every can in the same pace that future bosses use when going over a resume. Nope, none here, so then where are they?! I pause again, trying to find the answer, looking for a person in a uniform I can use for one quick second as I run by them. I debate asking a fellow shopper and paying her $20 for said information. Finally, the damn pasta isle!!!! After more scouring I find them. 5 for $3, OK, wait do I need five cans?! Will she eat all those, they are certainly not for me. F*** it, into the cart they went at light speed as I run, SuperMarket Sweep style to the register. I unload my items on the belt and then comes the point where the cashier asked cash or credit/debit. I usually am playful and say 'Deborah' meaning debit, and most people with an IQ over 50 can pick up on the cop type lingo and know that it means 'debit'. Instead I said "Debit" in the most lifeless sounding voice she ever heard. The staff said 'bye' I just half grunted and walked away. Luckily I didn't have do anything else involving humans that day, so I drove home and put things away.

So there you have it, that's what it's really like to have your brain go on auto-pilot in a public place. All you want to do is run and be alone but that's not an option in most cases. About a half hour later I began to feel myself getting back and then after an hour I was fine. Just so you know I added some color commentary to the account, nothing that wasn't the truth, but nothing that I was thinking at the time. If I wrote that it would have been the dullest thing ever as all I am thinking about is "Get out of here, get out of here, get out!!" What I have come to realize is that I can note what is going on and then write about it later. The most important thing you have to understand is that this process of mental decay has always happened to me, long before I knew about Asperger's, ( and yes, I am aware of the coming change in name due to the stupid people who write laws for everyone) so it's not a placebo effect at all. Learning and coming to my own conclusions about what actually happens when my brain decides it wants to involuntarily take time off is something I am proud of and putting it into words is what I am good at so why not share it?
I'll probably need to add to this post/edit further at some point, but it is 3:30 AM and I should go back to sleep.

Questions or comments? Let me know.

The Weeks Ahead and the Last Couple Past

Well I had flu from the 7th to around the 16th, which was awesome. I had all the body aches, runny nose and weakness I could handle. Mom gave it to me (she got it from work) and we both had a good go of it. She had it a couple days before I did, naturally, and then it was my turn. We were sick in canon, and the overlap was misery for both of us. Every time we would try and get up the energy would fade quickly. It could have been worse, her boss actually had to go to the hospital for pneumonia, so I would consider us lucky. I basically just sat on the couch, ate, bought a whole bunch of stuff on eBay and took the best naps ever. Sleeping at night was a bit of a burden due to the stuffiness, but Breathe Right helped a ton. I only get sick once every few years or so and it has to be the plague, basically, for me to contract anything. I don't get sick and that is just the way it is. Enough of that.

I have been getting a little busier with work and every time I post something I made on Facebook the response is great. As I mentioned before I have a very important platinum fabrication coming up. I bought all of the metal, at great prices and a lot of it came with bonus diamonds, on eBay and most of it was a certain alloy that I needed, specifically platinum/iridium, which is perfect for hand fabrication. The two bracelets I make are going to be my calling card. The pressure is on to get them done in a timely manner as I want to have time to fill the eventual Valentines Day orders that will come in. I hate that made up holiday by the way but as long as I can profit from it then I guess I'm fine with always being alone.

Other than that, I don't really have much to talk about, but if anything good comes up I'll be sure to let you all know.

Questions or comments?

New Year, New Me

It has been a while since my last post. The holidays were good for me and I hope they were for you, too. I got a lot of nice things and a few that I really needed/wanted. The Marmot jacket was something that I needed while the Breville Juice Fountain was a little of both. I got a yoga package and a new mat, which obviously complement one another well. I received my favorite pears, Royal Riviera, from Harry & David and they are well worth the price of $25/box of nine (actually I just went on the website and they are two that price and an additional box is only $10 more, the 'cream of the crop' are $37 for six and hands down the best fruit I have ever tasted) and I am sure to be ordering some more shortly. Other than gifts and things I handled all the parties as well as I could and didn't get too mentally tired. I did beat everyone I played at ping pong which was fun. As for the new year, things are changing at a better pace than they were before.

With the aid of the juicer I am eating much healthier than I was previous. I am not a big vegetable person at all, especially when they are heated. The juicer is perfect for me. I put raw carrots, kale and some green apple into it and it comes out as a nice, albeit odd looking, juice. I then add some wheat grass powder to it and then I have a real mega meal, although I still eat the same egg and potato breakfast as before, I just leave the cheese out and have been for a while now. I juice once a day and it is always in the morning with breakfast. The greener I make the juice the better and I feel fantastic mainly in part to never really having had the type of nutrition that the greens provide before now. My workouts, which are yoga once a week and shortly Insanity: Asylum will be a challenge, but I did really well when I used p90x a couple years ago. The program this time around is one month, instead of three, and that is both good and bad. I like to get things over with. The combination of diet and exercise should get me into the best shape of my life, again, and I will feel comfortable enough to finally take and keep my shirt off at yoga.

As far as work goes I am still on my own fulfilling the needs of clients, but not as much as I'd like. Today, as luck would have it, I met with the mother of one of the guys I played college baseball with. She has commissioned me to make three, yes count them three platinum and diamond bracelets for her. This will be a lot of fun and a very nice challenge for me. I am really looking forward to it. She gave me the stones and gold to sell to help pay for the project and some, along with the check she gave me already for the metal, will be divided into getting all the platinum and raw materials I need to get the jobs done. This is a very mutually beneficial project as it gives me both work to do and show off, prompting others to use me and for her, as I am saving her a boat load of money by switching to Kyco (Yes, I made a bad joke here, and my company name is actually Golden Asp Jewelry. If you add a "Y" to the middle part you get Aspy which is the way I thought it was originally spelt before seeing it in its printed form). The bracelets should take me a couple weeks to make and I have to be keen in my fabrication of the piece and then bezel set quite a few stones to get it all to look good. She gave me a sample of what she wants them too look like and I will copy it the best I can, three times. I must say, when we were trying to decide what to make with the stones and went to see what else she liked, she went bonkers when I told her I could copy the bracelet that, while costume, she loved to wear. I will be sure to post pictures of my work in progress and when it is done.

Other than all that, I am still trying to find a regular job that will also allow me to make jewelry. Dad has given me the carrot of buying me a car, an Infitini G37 from a close friend, should I get a job. This isn't like the POS that I drive now, and the guy wants $18,000, so I am really trying harder than before. I am surprised, to say the least, that dad made this offer to me, it truly seems uncharacteristic of him, but then again he and his partner sold every house they built this year, and then some, so I guess he's in a rare very expensive giving mood. Now if I can only convince him of my step moms plan of a 1 ct diamond stud, set in platinum, for each of her ears as an upcoming anniversary gift, then I would really be in business. 

Questions or comments? Let me know.

The Holiday Rush

At this time I am experiencing more stress than usual, and for a good reason. People like to give jewelry to their significant others during the holidays and that is the business I am in. I've been into Boston (the Jewelers Building specifically) for supplies and the like about once a week, which is about normal for me, but the volume of things I have been buying has risen dramatically. I recently bought a whole bunch of different size stud earring settings in 14k white gold to make earrings out of the loose diamonds I have accumulated over the past few months. Some are small, some are a little bigger but each is one in the same. The pressure is on me to set the stones and make sure everything looks good. Although the settings are not too expensive I'd rather not screw any up. I'll keep my fingers crossed on that one. The fact is, though, that my training in Nashville is really being used on a daily basis now. I have a ability to make a lot of money in a short amount of time and by golly I'm giving it everything I've got. There will be plenty of time for me to sleep after the holidays, but I still need to think ahead to Valentines Day (which is for me personally the worst day of the year) is right around the corner. Hopefully by then I will be able to do higher value products, as well as much of the same as I am currently. I am trying to accommodate most budgets, presently, but if someone wants a custom made ring then all they have to do is ask. I will make sure to post as often as I can but I have to try to keep my stress to a minimum, as I always do, so I don't get burnt out. Until next time.