Still Single After All These Years

I've had opportunities over the years to change my social situation concerning women. For one reason or another I chose not to. It was a combination of fear, anxiety, self doubt and the desire to remain the person I am that has kept me from doing so.

A note on how I look physically. I'm a good looking man, I think, people tell me and some of the looks I get convey this, but I don't really see this in myself. It is a confidence issue for me and women are attracted to confidence, or so I hear. They say that everyone has sex in college, especially if you are on the baseball team. I must have missed that memo

The fear and anxiety are one in the same, really, but only at the initial phase. I can't just go up and talk to a woman. Putting my neck out that far is uncomfortable for me as it is for many men I'm sure. Unlike most, though, I get the feeling of the primitive 'fight or flight response' in this situation. I always seem to run. I feel that my life is in danger at this time. I wrote about a time when this girl clearly wanted me in one of the chapters of my book. After analyzing it, it's not a long incident at all; I came to this conclusion fairly quickly. The funny thing is that when I look back, both right after it happened and now I feel like I should have just gotten it over with. Even now I feel remorse for not acting if I find myself in even a hint of the situation. I don't have a time machine.

That first situation should have been a layup. I was in high school and was the ace of the varsity pitching staff. People knew who I was (well not really). I found the girl attractive; too, it wasn't like I would have denied any of those advances if given the chance to exploit them. I simply thought too much, like I always do, about the impending situation and had to run off before I let it happen. It's sad really. I've had other chances but nothing THAT obvious to date.

Self doubt goes both toward me and towards the one I'd like to pursue. I don't feel I could either live up to her expectations or if she could be able to deal with all the stuff going on in my head. Would she run when I finally was able to explain it to her? Would I even be able to tell her or hope she figures it out? Then again I don't know if I try first.

There also remains the fact that I have seen many friends in relationships over the years. I watch everything that they have gone through, good and bad, and it seems to be a roller coaster of emotions. I see all the headaches and I don't want to get involved in that sort of crap. I tend to stay even keel, at least outwardly, and I don't know how someone else could understand that. I can keep a straight face when someone cries in front of me, even if I have caused the pain. It's not bragging, its a fact. How are they going to react to that? Part of me wants to stay alone for fear of all my routines getting messed up. I like all the freedoms I have and I don't have enough money to slightly entertain or be part of everyday occasions such as going out to dinner on a regular basis. That is not the type of thing I spend my money on. I'd have to get a job to support that, which would add even more stress. I will become a goldsmith in the coming months, after I get back from the school I'm going to for it, but until then the song will remain the same. The whole last paragraph was something that came up in an AS group I was a part of in college, so in those thoughts I am not alone.

Relationships have their ups and downs but I don't feel ready for one yet. I'll continue not looking for one and just seeing what happens. From what I've learned not looking for something is the best way to find it.

Questions or comments? Let me know.

Foodie Contest

I'll keep this post short.

Whenever I eat some sort of snack food whether it be chips or anything in bulk I try to make it interesting for myself, sort of. Usually it happens with chips or cheezits, something that us supposed to have a uniform shape. I take one out and then each on thereafter is compared to it. Each one the has either an imperfection or is merely a piece is eaten first. I set aside around 5-10, depending on the snack food of choice, for a final round of judging. I scrutinize each one closely. For cheezits its the amount of brown color they have, any small holes present or imperfect corners. A flaw in any one of those categories results in them being eaten. In the end, though, there can be only one winner. After the winner is decided I examine it for a few seconds, in all its glory, and then it too is eaten just as those before it. Before you ask let it be known that I don't judge people like this, as its pretty hard to stare at them for the amount of required time without them noticing.

Is this whole thing pointless? Probably, but it keeps even the most mundane times interesting for me. That and it may slow me down as I tend to inhale food when I eat.

I often wonder to myself what my own personal cheezit hall of fame would look like. I guess I'd have to start taking pictures or something, but who has time for that?

Odd Dreams When I Sleep

We all have dreams when we go to bed but for the most part do we really remember them? They would certainly have to stand out in order for us not to forget them. My dreams feel like they are a little out of the ordinary and I seem to recall a decent amount of them, both past and present. So let me sit on the long leather couch and reminisce.

I'd have to say that I have at least one dream a week in which I either can jump really well or fly. As you can imagine these are my favorite. The jumping involves me pulling off a Mario like set of leaps where on the third or second one sends me airborne. The first time I had this type of dream was at a very young age where an insurance or real estate salesman chased me through a series of blended and cartoon like landscapes. He would try to grab me and hang on as I tried to fly away and we would eventually end up back where we started and the dream would end. I know what you're probably thinking but hold on, its gets better.

Sometimes I have the flying dream in places that I know, such as my old high school, but different in a way. There is always some sort of modified thing or something askew about the scenery, something that my imagination must have added. People in the dream aren't really impressed in my ability to fly either. Sometimes I'm drifting around the halls of my school just above the heads of everyone else as I have a conversation. Instead of walking down the stairs I fly down and around the stairwell. Other than that, the school is the same. Flying is also something I can do without having to think about it, it just happens, almost like I already know I can do it before the dream starts.

I talked to my dad and he said that you can't dream of a place you have never seen. He may have been full of it because there are a lot of places I know I have not seen or that they even exist. Landscapes or architecture are not feasible in the shapes I see them in. Either they are too organic or too advanced to be built by anyone. I think that my brain can do sort of what it does when I see a someones face; compares it to all the other faces its ever seen and then determines who else it looks like, but instead scenery is put out. That is the only thing I can think of. Often times the scenery is the same and I have reoccurring dreams but with the ability to change my actions if I need to.

Recently I have been just sitting around when all of the sudden one of the dreams I had as a child or young adult shoots into my head and I remember everything. This is completely random and I cannot explain why it happens. If I let my mind go blank certain things can be recalled for some reason. Each times this happens, and it has done so around 30 times in the last couple months I recall a past dream. The ages I had the specific dream are also very random. Ever time this happens I suddenly feel nostalgic.

I will probably have to add more to this post in the future but for now this will have to do.

Questions or comments? Please let me know.

I Almost Cried Today 6/5/11

I had just gotten back from brunch with my sister (marvelous by the way at Highland Kitchen in Sommerville, really worth the drive) and I went upstairs to take a post feast nap. I wasn't asleep for very long when I came into a dream of my sister and I walking our old dog Chelsea, a spirited golden retriever through the streets of some unknown area. It kept changing from nearly urban to rural as well as a mix of the two; it was a very odd journey. Chelsea has been gone since 2006 when my dad put her down. She looked the same as she did the last time I saw her. She loved going on walks.

Towards the end of the dream I began to get a little teary as we were dropping her off at the place we were looking for. I think it was supposed to be a vet office but it was called Middlesex Community College, which is sort of near where I live. Anyway, I began to cry more as we sent her, unaccompanied, to the back room. No one was leading her and she just knew what to do on her own. I began to cry harder at this. Suddenly, I then woke up with a similar feeling of when I first became emotional within the dream. I felt that I could have cried but did not do so. The feeling disappeared within about a minute and I was back to normal.

I do not know what triggered this dream and it was the only one I have had of Chelsea in the last few years since we put her down. It did, however, bring back some of the feelings that we all had for her towards the end of her life. The whole thing brought back the feeling of letting go.

Time to Attend a Goldsmithing School

In one of my earlier posts I mentioned that I make jewelry on my own and had been for about two years until I had shoulder surgery. I have since picked it back up, with a new workshop and renewed vigor. I've had friends tell me that I should go to learn to become a professional in this field. Well, now I have decided to do something about it. I have narrowed it down to a couple places, one in particular, although I will not divulge which. For me working with precious metals is an obsession and it’s something I can't live without.

Confucius said it best; "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life". Amen to that. I love silver gold and platinum, always have. I don't know if it has something to do with their intrinsic value or properties of each one individually but the look and feel of them is something I cannot do without. Another great thing about them is that they don't talk back and you can manipulate them as you please. Messing up isn't a shame as you can melt them down again and create from scratch, although sometimes its hard to see all that work turn into a puddle at the bottom of your crucible. The coolest part is that it looks like the T1000 is moving around in there as you get ready to pour your metal.

The whole thing is a learning experience. Every time you mess up you figure out what you could have done differently, kind of like life only that key events can be redone as you see fit. My parents are for me pursuing this course of action even though I already have a degree in Business Management from Umass Lowell. That was necessary for me to learn to run a business and this will for what I will sell. I will most likely work for someone else before setting up shop for myself officially.

The above pictures are of me working and things I've made and are a few years old. As you can see this is more than wire work or stringing some beads together. What I do takes time. The twisted curb chain with ID plaque was made by watching a 2 hour video. It took me 4 hours to make the first time and only 3 the second time around. I poured my own wire and sheet and rolled and shaped them accordingly on my own. I enjoy the fact that I learn quickly and am always out to improve on previous efforts. Asperger's can greatly help with this as I don't mind focusing on one and only one thing intensely. I have logged more than my share of 6 hour sessions without a break. I get a lot of pride by making something out of nothing.

I know I can do this professionally and all I need is the confidence that comes from the right training.

Questions or comments? Let me know.

Bikram Yoga and the 14th board(s)

For about two years I have been doing Bikram Yoga. I originally felt the need to do so because I was getting tight from weight lifting (and a little loose in the midsection from eating). I have stayed on because it works, in every since of the word. It is a total body workout and helps heal at the same time. The carpal tunnel symptoms in my wrist have gone away and my surgically repaired right shoulder feels so good I may return to baseball at some point. Just like anything else worthwhile, it is not easy. The room itself is 105F and some of the postures would make Gumby scream. By the end of it all you are simply a deluge of sweat. As with all things, though, I have noticed a few things while moving through the practice.

As I had one when I played baseball, I tend to go through the same routine before each session. I get to the studio at least a half hour early and run up the stairs like the young mountain goat that I am. I greet the teacher at the desk and take my shoes off before signing in. If the room is empty enough, there may have been a class before, I put my mat and towel down in the same exact spot as I have had the majority of my one hundred fifty classes. I then either stretch a little bit, depending on the time, or exit the room to see who else is arriving. I typically do a leg stretch near the windows to see my yoga friends as they park their cars. I greet a few of them as they walk in the door, unless I'm in the room getting myself ready. I usually wet my hair once and then again five minutes before class starts; just to give myself a head start. If I feel loose enough from stretching, and I usually try to hit every muscle I can (a habit from my playing days) I wander out and chat with either Leslie or Maribel or whomever is sitting on the benches. With a few minutes left until class I check to see if I must evacuate any more liquid from my body before entering the room for good. I sit on my knees with my head down and do a sideways figure eight or whatever until the teacher walks in and announces that class has begun. I jump from me knees to my feet (not really that difficult once you get the hang of it) and then it's on like donkey kong.

Oddly enough I position myself in the front of the class, on the left middle side right in front of the studio length mirror. I don't get nervous at all being here and most of the people who have been coming a while practice in the front. You think as someone with AS you wouldn't want everyone in the room to have the option of staring at you. People are so busy doing their own practice that it doesn't matter. That and each time I look in the mirror I get to stop and think how cute I look.

I am still able to effectively think about other things during the little savasana 's or breaks. Try as I might, and without the aid of typical social factors, my mind is never able to go completely blank. I usually don't have time think too long because I'm just trying to relax as much as possible after the last posture. It's not long, only 20 seconds or so. I do save most of the thinking for the postures, which is essential. There is a 2 minute break where we all lie down on our mats with our eyes open. I position myself under the same little heat vent, that protrudes from the duct work, each class. This is partly because it is in good alignment with the mirror in front of me and the other being the board ceiling scheme. In the little area I have chosen the ceiling has fourteen boards ( it has more in that section but fourteen of which are encompassed in a little bordered off area of their own) and the two on the ends, each #14 if you were to count from either direction, are a little different than the rest. If realized that they represent me very well. Once again, let me explain.

The first board is small and sort of half hidden by the wall border, but it is clear that you could see more of it if it wasn't. What could be back there, a larger more interesting piece that would be worthwhile to get to know? It’s like the ice berg that you see but don't know how of it lies hidden beneath a frigid emotionless ocean. The second board is much wider, cracked and in plain sight.

This board only feels ugly but denies itself of the character it has and tries to hide it from everyone else, although it does so in plain sight. The color is a little darker than all the others so it is easy to point out and laugh at. Then again this board doesn't care what you think of it (boards don't have feelings anyways) and even if it did it would simply shake it off.

The first board is me now, still a sheltered person who is half hiding from who he wants to be. People are always trying to allow me expose my other half but I still don't think I am ready. There is a lot of potential there if the right woman were to take a look. The second board is me before I lost 20 pounds (again). I was unhappy with the way I looked but didn't have enough drive to do much about it. I just went on for years living in disgust of myself in plain sight. That person has nearly disappeared, but I am still not ready to fully become the other board just yet.

Questions or comments? Let me know.

What Time Travel Feels Like

Throughout the process of writing my book I have had to think back to the way I felt things were when I was growing up. Sometimes this can take a bit to get back to the mindset I had when I was a child. All the things I thought, they way I thought them, how I viewed the world and what I perceived to be going on around me are keys concepts that I feel have to be explored at each time I write about. This process does not show like an outline when everything is written, that would be boring and repetitive. Instead it just flows from my fingers and weaves together a true story of feeling and emotion (or lack thereof).

Each time I go through this process I remember the little things I did that allow me to capture the big picture. I see the scenes unfold in my mind almost at if I am walking through them that very moment. I go through the list above to take my brain back to those much simpler times when the struggles of being a kid were all I had to worry about. In this way I can recall the past and how it made me feel. I first felt able to do this by looking at photographs and then developed it into the complex system it is today. It didn't happen overnight and I had to work at it just like any other skill but I'm sure half of it was God given. The ability to harness my old memories and analyze them is a big asset for me.

If you have been keeping up with the blog you will know that I tend to think for at least half an hour a day,many times longer, about my life and events past and present. This is where most of the thought occurs. By the time I am ready to write it all seems natural to me. I can just do it without having to think about it as its happening. I can think about something a month before I write it and only then is it recorded or could be found to exist.

Also with the regards to the book, I have not taken a single note or written anything down before or beyond what I have typed. I let my brain do the work and keep it to itself. I don't want anyone seeing my thoughts before they are ready, either of them. All that information may be hard to handle.

Questions or Comments? Let me know.