The Musical Escape

It's no secret that people use music as a way to relax. For me and many like me it can take on a whole new meaning. Music is personal. You can connect with it any way you chose. A lot of the lyrics are open to interpretation. It should be no surprise that you see a lot of people on the autism spectrum wearing headphones.

Music for me is sort of like a security blanket. I use it when I want to relax after a long day or just want to escape into my own little world. I like things that are constant. I have this one CD that I listen to when I'm working out in the basement. I just turn it on and do my thing. If I decide to change it I do so very little. Certain songs just seem to evoke feelings of euphoria and take my mind off some of the stress I put on my muscles when lifting. I think that if I can just do enough reps before or until I get to this point in the song I'll be happy with myself. Even when I played college baseball I went off on my own and didn't stick to my workout partner. (This was partly due to having to adjust some of the heights on the machines we were using because I'm short). I never needed a partner to push me into lifting more than I did the day or week before. During the winter I would work out at school and be alone most of the time. I'd bring my own CD and just go to it. If anyone I knew came in they would always wonder what I was listening to and, more importantly, why. People wonder how I can be motivated by 'Cortez the Killer' by Neil or 'No Quarter' by Zeppelin. I guess I should go buy myself an IPod. Some of the songs do pump me up like 'Trampled Underfoot' but I feeling comfortable in a relaxed state of mind is all I need to go about my business. I can see how the length of some of the songs like 'Achilles Last Stand' would maybe be too much of one thing for some people but I find the longer the more I can focus.

I realize that I don't listen to the same type of music that most of my peers, working out or otherwise. I discovered classic rock at about 13 and its been that way ever since. Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and selected songs from most of the artists of the 60s-80s plus selections of 90s musicians dominate what I listen to. My biggest love in terms of music is Neil Young, hands down. I'm not going to go into detail now about Neil but will probably end up making him a subject of a latter post; and you'll see why when that time comes. One major theme with the music that I listen to is that it is done with instruments and not sound effects made in a studio. Some newer musicians do a good job playing guitar and I'm not taking anything away from them. I respect the craft of the rappers and others; I just chose not to listen to the vast majority. There is just something different about having to play an instrument(s) each time you perform a song live instead of just singing/rapping to a beat. It creates a lot of variation and having to move with the flow.

The main theme of the songs that I like is that there is a lot going on. Many of the Zeppelin/Floyd/Neil Young songs have fast beats and/or or other sounds coming from I don't know how many instruments. This type of over-stimulation is exactly what my brain craves. What my brain is able to do it multi task, in every sense of the world. I have conversations with people without even looking at them and other oddities of that nature. I count things compulsively when I get nervous or bored. The introduction of music stops all this. My brain is so into all the sounds coming from the music that there is no way that I could possible focus on anything else. I'm too busy processing all the sounds to care much about any bad that is going on in my life. The only exception is when I'm driving. Of course I pay attention to the road but I hardly ever refrain from moving my fingers up and down the steering wheel with the beat, as it playing guitar. I even throw in a head bob every now and again for good measure. Once I get going I'm like a little kid with his Raffi tape; I don't have a care in the world because I'm in my own place that my brain has created. If you haven't discovered how music can help you relax when you've had a long day then I suggest you just push play. I may need to augment this post and add some more thoughts in the future but for now just let me know what you think.

Games with Thy self

Having such a rapidly moving mind does have its drawbacks. I get bored sometimes. I'm not listing this as OCD because I'm not sure if it is. This may seem like a form of self induced anxiety. Let me explain. One thing I do is when I first wake up. I look at the clock and see what time it is. I think to myself that something bad will happen if I don't get out of bed before the time changes to the next minute. I hop out of bed with my eyes on the clock the whole time to see if it has changed or not. If it does before I get fully out I feel a quick sense of panic. This panic dissipates when I realize that nothing bad is going to or ever had happened due to my failure to get out in time. If I do get out in time, more often than not, I feel like I won for some reason.

I also do something similar to this when watching TV. This more often happens when watching sports. As the camera pans left to right in between the pitches of a baseball game I keep my mind on a place where I think the camera has enough time to get to. I silently hope that the announcer will not butt in because this means that another pitch is about to be delivered. Just like with the clock, if the camera does pan far enough to make it to the predetermined point then I feel relief. If it doesn't, a little bit of panic sets in. I also find it annoying when the camera stops right before the point I had chosen and rests there for a second to show something, knowing the whole time that if it kept moving it would have at least reached the point and maybe gone even further. I myself have no idea why I do this and have not come across it being discussed before.

The connecting with these two things is that there is a sense of panic when I don't make it and a feeling of relief when I do. I could probably highlight a couple more examples but I'm sure you get the idea. Back before I learned that it didn't matter whether I made it or not I felt as if something bad was going to happen. As I matured I learned not to care but continue to do it to this day.

Is it possible that I do I do this out of boredom? Maybe. I'd like to hear what you have to say on this matter. There is one good side effect that comes from the whole clock thing; it gets me out of bed.

Topics to discuss

I would like some topics that you want me to talk about related to Asperger's or my thoughts on anything you would like to know, either about myself or the way I think/perceive the world. The ball is in your court.

Receiver of Memories

Have any of you out there read the book "The Giver"? I read it in middle school and it is about a kid in a fictional community and his given job is to be taught by an old man to receive people's memories. Some memories are pleasant while others are filled with pain. It is his job to store them in his mind, sort of a living library of people’s lives if you will. The reason I bring this up is because this is the way I feel most of the time. Although it can vary sometimes my memory is a very powerful thing, abnormal in every sense of the word. My inability to stop cataloging events as they happen to is both a blessing and a curse. The good and the bad, I remember it all. I sometimes get clarification of what happened, just to make sure of details, but I'm usually pretty sure of what went down. This applies to both sober and inebriated memories, many of each I had in college. I can remember something for you if you ask me to, sort of like a PDA.

My own pool of memories goes back to when I was about 2 or 3, with selected things coming earlier. I know this by asking my family about what happened and when, as research for my autobiography. I just wonder if there is a limit to how much I can recall as the years go on. Is this normal to not only remember but recall the state of mind I was in and how I perceived the world at that point in time about most of the things that happened in my life, as well as those I was a part of in terms of others I know? Some things do naturally fade, such as what I had for lunch that day or little things like that. It’s just that the more important things and a lot of random crap remains lodged in my head for what seems like eternity.

A good thing about this is that I tend to learn from my mistakes. So what do you all think. Am I a freak, or just lucky? Maybe it is a little of both.

In Plain Sight

Some of my friends are surprised to find out about me being an Aspy. I find it funny because the signs were right there in front of them. If only they had been looking for the right clues or knew they should be looking at all. True, they always could sense that there was something different about me, something they couldn't quite put their finger on; very much similar to how I felt growing up. I did a lot of things in plain sight that they might have noticed but shrugged off or didn't want to ask me about.

A lot of the times they asked me why I was so weird. I never seemed to respond the way they wanted me to. A couple of my college teammates knew because their parents told them. They kept it to themselves but didn't truly understand what it meant. They never brought it up and I never knew they had that knowledge until I told a couple of them. I thank them for their discretion. Some of them said I must be the best actor of all time to keep it hidden over my college years.

I learned a while ago the things that you can't tell people about yourself are the hardest things to keep. It is so obvious to you but they haven't a clue, and sometimes you just want them to understand. I refrained from telling people at my last job anything about it. I didn't want to deal with that. There were more than a couple moments when tell tale signs emerged and they thought it was something else that may have been on my mind. I'm sorry but there is no way they could have understood. I took enough crap while I was there and adding that would have forced me out sooner than I left.

I takes a lot out of you trying to blend in. I do a lot of things in plain sight but mostly when nobody is looking, at least I hope they're not. I just wish the world could give me more openings to be myself without looking at me odd for doing so. I don't really care what they think anymore anyway. Let them look.

The Giving Dilema

I know this isn't really related to AS but I feel that I need some input from other people here. I try to give blood every time I am able. I used to do it more frequent but since I started giving 'double reds' I do it less often. The the Red Cross told me that I was an ideal candidate and that I was the correct blood type. Instead of giving every 56 days the time to give again is upped to 112 days; due to the stress on the body, I think. Although I feel OK afterwards it is not entirely so. For at least a couple weeks my athletic stamina is pretty much gone. I did Bikram Yoga last Friday and nearly blacked out. I laid down on the floor the entire class and felt awful. The question that goes through my mind is "Do they really need my blood enough that it is worth giving and feeling like a zombie for a month?" I heard that it is better for trauma victims and that is why I began in the first place, but I wonder if my own stress is worth it. I felt so good exercising this summer that I neglected to give for fear of losing all my stamina. Exactly what I expected to happen did. So what do you think I should do?

I don't mind helping random people I may never meet, the exact intention of his blog, but is my own well being worth it? Let me know what you think.

After Giving My speech at YouthCare

On July 7th I nervously stood in front of a long table with twenty or so young adults and about eight staff members in a room in Wellesley, MA. I was there to talk about high school, college and about choosing a job that may be good for you. All the kids were like minded, meaning they had Asperger's, and there were a couple girls in the mix. I talked about this and that and answered a few key questions along the way. I related the best I could to them about what I had been through, what to look out for and what to try for themselves. I could see by the faces, not just those in the program but those running it, that I had a perspective and ideas that they might not have thought of. Out of any speech I had even given this was the most fun.

It did not feel like work and I didn't feel like ending. Did I mess up or maybe forget a couple things? Of course I did. Did I help a bunch of kids who needed a guide to show them the way, how to walk the path and maybe ease some of the anxieties and questions they may have had? You bet! In the end I looked up at the clock and realized I had been in front of the audience for an hour and fifteen minutes. Even as part of a group presentation in college I had not been up for that long, and this time I did all the speaking. In that time I think I got my message across. I talked with the woman who ran the program afterwards and I picked up that I would be able to do the same thing again next year. I told her I'd come back in a heartbeat.

I may have found my calling.