Receiver of Memories

Have any of you out there read the book "The Giver"? I read it in middle school and it is about a kid in a fictional community and his given job is to be taught by an old man to receive people's memories. Some memories are pleasant while others are filled with pain. It is his job to store them in his mind, sort of a living library of people’s lives if you will. The reason I bring this up is because this is the way I feel most of the time. Although it can vary sometimes my memory is a very powerful thing, abnormal in every sense of the word. My inability to stop cataloging events as they happen to is both a blessing and a curse. The good and the bad, I remember it all. I sometimes get clarification of what happened, just to make sure of details, but I'm usually pretty sure of what went down. This applies to both sober and inebriated memories, many of each I had in college. I can remember something for you if you ask me to, sort of like a PDA.

My own pool of memories goes back to when I was about 2 or 3, with selected things coming earlier. I know this by asking my family about what happened and when, as research for my autobiography. I just wonder if there is a limit to how much I can recall as the years go on. Is this normal to not only remember but recall the state of mind I was in and how I perceived the world at that point in time about most of the things that happened in my life, as well as those I was a part of in terms of others I know? Some things do naturally fade, such as what I had for lunch that day or little things like that. It’s just that the more important things and a lot of random crap remains lodged in my head for what seems like eternity.

A good thing about this is that I tend to learn from my mistakes. So what do you all think. Am I a freak, or just lucky? Maybe it is a little of both.

In Plain Sight

Some of my friends are surprised to find out about me being an Aspy. I find it funny because the signs were right there in front of them. If only they had been looking for the right clues or knew they should be looking at all. True, they always could sense that there was something different about me, something they couldn't quite put their finger on; very much similar to how I felt growing up. I did a lot of things in plain sight that they might have noticed but shrugged off or didn't want to ask me about.

A lot of the times they asked me why I was so weird. I never seemed to respond the way they wanted me to. A couple of my college teammates knew because their parents told them. They kept it to themselves but didn't truly understand what it meant. They never brought it up and I never knew they had that knowledge until I told a couple of them. I thank them for their discretion. Some of them said I must be the best actor of all time to keep it hidden over my college years.

I learned a while ago the things that you can't tell people about yourself are the hardest things to keep. It is so obvious to you but they haven't a clue, and sometimes you just want them to understand. I refrained from telling people at my last job anything about it. I didn't want to deal with that. There were more than a couple moments when tell tale signs emerged and they thought it was something else that may have been on my mind. I'm sorry but there is no way they could have understood. I took enough crap while I was there and adding that would have forced me out sooner than I left.

I takes a lot out of you trying to blend in. I do a lot of things in plain sight but mostly when nobody is looking, at least I hope they're not. I just wish the world could give me more openings to be myself without looking at me odd for doing so. I don't really care what they think anymore anyway. Let them look.

The Giving Dilema

I know this isn't really related to AS but I feel that I need some input from other people here. I try to give blood every time I am able. I used to do it more frequent but since I started giving 'double reds' I do it less often. The the Red Cross told me that I was an ideal candidate and that I was the correct blood type. Instead of giving every 56 days the time to give again is upped to 112 days; due to the stress on the body, I think. Although I feel OK afterwards it is not entirely so. For at least a couple weeks my athletic stamina is pretty much gone. I did Bikram Yoga last Friday and nearly blacked out. I laid down on the floor the entire class and felt awful. The question that goes through my mind is "Do they really need my blood enough that it is worth giving and feeling like a zombie for a month?" I heard that it is better for trauma victims and that is why I began in the first place, but I wonder if my own stress is worth it. I felt so good exercising this summer that I neglected to give for fear of losing all my stamina. Exactly what I expected to happen did. So what do you think I should do?

I don't mind helping random people I may never meet, the exact intention of his blog, but is my own well being worth it? Let me know what you think.

After Giving My speech at YouthCare

On July 7th I nervously stood in front of a long table with twenty or so young adults and about eight staff members in a room in Wellesley, MA. I was there to talk about high school, college and about choosing a job that may be good for you. All the kids were like minded, meaning they had Asperger's, and there were a couple girls in the mix. I talked about this and that and answered a few key questions along the way. I related the best I could to them about what I had been through, what to look out for and what to try for themselves. I could see by the faces, not just those in the program but those running it, that I had a perspective and ideas that they might not have thought of. Out of any speech I had even given this was the most fun.

It did not feel like work and I didn't feel like ending. Did I mess up or maybe forget a couple things? Of course I did. Did I help a bunch of kids who needed a guide to show them the way, how to walk the path and maybe ease some of the anxieties and questions they may have had? You bet! In the end I looked up at the clock and realized I had been in front of the audience for an hour and fifteen minutes. Even as part of a group presentation in college I had not been up for that long, and this time I did all the speaking. In that time I think I got my message across. I talked with the woman who ran the program afterwards and I picked up that I would be able to do the same thing again next year. I told her I'd come back in a heartbeat.

I may have found my calling.

K-12 online schooling?

So today I heard a commercial for k-12 online schooling. Upon hearing it two things came to mind: This could be a good thing for kids who don't fit in (guess who) and this could ruin a child's ability to learn social interaction at a young age. I went to the website to check it out. It seems like a good concept at first but like all things there are two sides. There is a list of courses that can be signed up for and they differ from K-8 to high school.

I did see some courses that were not offered at my own high school, at least not in the depth, so that is a bonus. I looked at the fees for each course, some which did not seem that much but things tend to add up when your talking about a full schedule, and there were also fees for courses with supplemental instruction from a teacher. This seems like it could present a problem if parents had to either: ask the town to take their own kids off public schooling so that they could be taxed less and able to pay for it, and public schools running out of funding or needing more assistance from the government due to less enrollment. I am sure this is a good concept in terms of learning and was probably tested. Lets take a look at the social aspects of it.

When I went to school, we were all in a classroom with a teacher and told what to do. We would interact with one another and do presentations and have some unique lessons and go on field trips and clubs, have school wide events. Odd right? This seemed to work fine since school began back in antiquity. I'll admit that I had a tough time getting along with some kids and that I was bullied, with words only. But the key things I learned were not of facts long forgotten, they were with people. I learned how kids behave and what is right and wrong, about making friends and respecting adults (even though I sometimes didn't want to). I feel that many of the social aspects of school will be lost if things transitioned towards the online environment.

Besides baseball I never went over friends houses to hang out, except for school work, or get into the sort of trouble that is present at that age. I made that choice. I could just have easily decided against it but that is not the path I chose. I can't help thinking about what type of person I would have become if I had not met some of the great people I know from high school and Worcester Academy. I could have been forced to play dates with other kids by my parents. They would ask me and I most always said no. They may have given me no choice if I had been schooled online

Even more shocking a question is remains: Where would I have played high school baseball? Does this company have sports teams in place? How would I have gotten into college? My grades alone surely would not have been enough.

Some people I know are slaves to computers and video games. They don't interact with others as much as they could and they sit around losing their given abilities to compete physically.

So what do you think on this matter? It's clearly a double edged sword but are you really getting what you paid for? Do you even know what you're paying for? Could I be totally wrong and this is the best thing for some kids who don't ft it.

I stand by the fact that this concept is not right for everyone, even if they can afford it.

This Blog is Meant to be Interactive!!! Ask me the tough questions People!!!!!

I'm sort of wondering if the people (7 at last count) reading this blog, well, get it. I don't want to offend anyone but the lack of effort on your part to ask me personal questions is not allowing me to help anyone.

The point of the book I'm writing is to provide a character study of myself that can be reflected on people my age who have Asperger's Syndrome. I am giving you, the reader, and an open invitation to ask me anything you want both before and after it is released.

Pick a subject and I'll answer it as best I can. If you want to know how the brain of someone like me works then you have to ask. The book is going to be a portrait of who I am and once it is published I can't regret/take back anything I put in it. What am I going to do, come over to your house and take it away from you? Everything I add to my writing stems here, although I have to save some key thoughts for the book.

I'm not easily offended. I'm 24, I'm not a child, I’m an adult. Ask me what you are afraid to ask your kids or others you know with AS. Stop thinking that I'm going to attack you through the computer and go ahead and ask me whatever the hell you want.

Emotionally Reserved

Simply put, it takes a lot to get me aggravated. Everyday BS like someone cutting me off when I'm driving or people giving me heck is usually not enough to get me going. We all make mistakes when driving or take out our anger on other people for no reason. The key in dealing with other people's lack of control is not to let it bother you and never take it personally. This may seem impossible at times. I shy away from confrontation and bite my tongue in most instances. I only get annoyed if it has something to do with money. Everything else is pretty much stuff I've learned to deal with. There is no sense in getting mad when you know events like what just occurred will continue to happen.

One drawback to this emotionally reserved state I occupy is that I can seem cold much of the time. This is different than laughing at jokes, goofing around or rooting on my favorite teams. This is more like not showing visible remorse when you've hurt someone emotionally or not feeling much of anything as you watch them cry. It may not have been my fault for at all. My Mom cries every now and again right in front of me and I just sit there, stunned almost. There is obviously something bothering her, deeply, and I can understand that. I understand more than people give a person my age credit for, but still, I refrain from crying. It not that I am not trying to cry; I just can't pretend to feel for emotions that are not there; sort of like what people say when they don't love another person as the other wants them to.

I don't cry at funerals either. It's like I'm shielded from the grief that everyone around me is feeling. I do miss the person, don't get me wrong, but I feel inhuman at my own lack of emotion. It is not a comfortable feeling either. To tell the truth it makes me feel bad inside, like there is something missing inside of me.

There will be times when I will cry at a funeral, for five people in fact, only one who is not a family member. I hope those days are far off in the future.

I have cried. There have been moments when I just let it flow. The day my Dad told me he and Mom were not getting back together and leading up to and finalizing my decision to give up baseball (college) because I needed shoulder surgery and felt I wouldn't be able to compete at the high level I was used to. I will probably be playing baseball again this summer but the marriage is long over. Baseball was for seventeen ears and so was the marriage, although starting and ending at different times. I guess you could say it takes a truly life changing event to really get me to let loose.

So what do you think about this? Are you the same way? Are the people you know with AS in a similar boat? I think you should ask them. I know the way I act may not be acceptable to you, but that is just the way I am.