The Giving Dilema

I know this isn't really related to AS but I feel that I need some input from other people here. I try to give blood every time I am able. I used to do it more frequent but since I started giving 'double reds' I do it less often. The the Red Cross told me that I was an ideal candidate and that I was the correct blood type. Instead of giving every 56 days the time to give again is upped to 112 days; due to the stress on the body, I think. Although I feel OK afterwards it is not entirely so. For at least a couple weeks my athletic stamina is pretty much gone. I did Bikram Yoga last Friday and nearly blacked out. I laid down on the floor the entire class and felt awful. The question that goes through my mind is "Do they really need my blood enough that it is worth giving and feeling like a zombie for a month?" I heard that it is better for trauma victims and that is why I began in the first place, but I wonder if my own stress is worth it. I felt so good exercising this summer that I neglected to give for fear of losing all my stamina. Exactly what I expected to happen did. So what do you think I should do?

I don't mind helping random people I may never meet, the exact intention of his blog, but is my own well being worth it? Let me know what you think.

After Giving My speech at YouthCare

On July 7th I nervously stood in front of a long table with twenty or so young adults and about eight staff members in a room in Wellesley, MA. I was there to talk about high school, college and about choosing a job that may be good for you. All the kids were like minded, meaning they had Asperger's, and there were a couple girls in the mix. I talked about this and that and answered a few key questions along the way. I related the best I could to them about what I had been through, what to look out for and what to try for themselves. I could see by the faces, not just those in the program but those running it, that I had a perspective and ideas that they might not have thought of. Out of any speech I had even given this was the most fun.

It did not feel like work and I didn't feel like ending. Did I mess up or maybe forget a couple things? Of course I did. Did I help a bunch of kids who needed a guide to show them the way, how to walk the path and maybe ease some of the anxieties and questions they may have had? You bet! In the end I looked up at the clock and realized I had been in front of the audience for an hour and fifteen minutes. Even as part of a group presentation in college I had not been up for that long, and this time I did all the speaking. In that time I think I got my message across. I talked with the woman who ran the program afterwards and I picked up that I would be able to do the same thing again next year. I told her I'd come back in a heartbeat.

I may have found my calling.

K-12 online schooling?

So today I heard a commercial for k-12 online schooling. Upon hearing it two things came to mind: This could be a good thing for kids who don't fit in (guess who) and this could ruin a child's ability to learn social interaction at a young age. I went to the website to check it out. It seems like a good concept at first but like all things there are two sides. There is a list of courses that can be signed up for and they differ from K-8 to high school.

I did see some courses that were not offered at my own high school, at least not in the depth, so that is a bonus. I looked at the fees for each course, some which did not seem that much but things tend to add up when your talking about a full schedule, and there were also fees for courses with supplemental instruction from a teacher. This seems like it could present a problem if parents had to either: ask the town to take their own kids off public schooling so that they could be taxed less and able to pay for it, and public schools running out of funding or needing more assistance from the government due to less enrollment. I am sure this is a good concept in terms of learning and was probably tested. Lets take a look at the social aspects of it.

When I went to school, we were all in a classroom with a teacher and told what to do. We would interact with one another and do presentations and have some unique lessons and go on field trips and clubs, have school wide events. Odd right? This seemed to work fine since school began back in antiquity. I'll admit that I had a tough time getting along with some kids and that I was bullied, with words only. But the key things I learned were not of facts long forgotten, they were with people. I learned how kids behave and what is right and wrong, about making friends and respecting adults (even though I sometimes didn't want to). I feel that many of the social aspects of school will be lost if things transitioned towards the online environment.

Besides baseball I never went over friends houses to hang out, except for school work, or get into the sort of trouble that is present at that age. I made that choice. I could just have easily decided against it but that is not the path I chose. I can't help thinking about what type of person I would have become if I had not met some of the great people I know from high school and Worcester Academy. I could have been forced to play dates with other kids by my parents. They would ask me and I most always said no. They may have given me no choice if I had been schooled online

Even more shocking a question is remains: Where would I have played high school baseball? Does this company have sports teams in place? How would I have gotten into college? My grades alone surely would not have been enough.

Some people I know are slaves to computers and video games. They don't interact with others as much as they could and they sit around losing their given abilities to compete physically.

So what do you think on this matter? It's clearly a double edged sword but are you really getting what you paid for? Do you even know what you're paying for? Could I be totally wrong and this is the best thing for some kids who don't ft it.

I stand by the fact that this concept is not right for everyone, even if they can afford it.

This Blog is Meant to be Interactive!!! Ask me the tough questions People!!!!!

I'm sort of wondering if the people (7 at last count) reading this blog, well, get it. I don't want to offend anyone but the lack of effort on your part to ask me personal questions is not allowing me to help anyone.

The point of the book I'm writing is to provide a character study of myself that can be reflected on people my age who have Asperger's Syndrome. I am giving you, the reader, and an open invitation to ask me anything you want both before and after it is released.

Pick a subject and I'll answer it as best I can. If you want to know how the brain of someone like me works then you have to ask. The book is going to be a portrait of who I am and once it is published I can't regret/take back anything I put in it. What am I going to do, come over to your house and take it away from you? Everything I add to my writing stems here, although I have to save some key thoughts for the book.

I'm not easily offended. I'm 24, I'm not a child, I’m an adult. Ask me what you are afraid to ask your kids or others you know with AS. Stop thinking that I'm going to attack you through the computer and go ahead and ask me whatever the hell you want.

Emotionally Reserved

Simply put, it takes a lot to get me aggravated. Everyday BS like someone cutting me off when I'm driving or people giving me heck is usually not enough to get me going. We all make mistakes when driving or take out our anger on other people for no reason. The key in dealing with other people's lack of control is not to let it bother you and never take it personally. This may seem impossible at times. I shy away from confrontation and bite my tongue in most instances. I only get annoyed if it has something to do with money. Everything else is pretty much stuff I've learned to deal with. There is no sense in getting mad when you know events like what just occurred will continue to happen.

One drawback to this emotionally reserved state I occupy is that I can seem cold much of the time. This is different than laughing at jokes, goofing around or rooting on my favorite teams. This is more like not showing visible remorse when you've hurt someone emotionally or not feeling much of anything as you watch them cry. It may not have been my fault for at all. My Mom cries every now and again right in front of me and I just sit there, stunned almost. There is obviously something bothering her, deeply, and I can understand that. I understand more than people give a person my age credit for, but still, I refrain from crying. It not that I am not trying to cry; I just can't pretend to feel for emotions that are not there; sort of like what people say when they don't love another person as the other wants them to.

I don't cry at funerals either. It's like I'm shielded from the grief that everyone around me is feeling. I do miss the person, don't get me wrong, but I feel inhuman at my own lack of emotion. It is not a comfortable feeling either. To tell the truth it makes me feel bad inside, like there is something missing inside of me.

There will be times when I will cry at a funeral, for five people in fact, only one who is not a family member. I hope those days are far off in the future.

I have cried. There have been moments when I just let it flow. The day my Dad told me he and Mom were not getting back together and leading up to and finalizing my decision to give up baseball (college) because I needed shoulder surgery and felt I wouldn't be able to compete at the high level I was used to. I will probably be playing baseball again this summer but the marriage is long over. Baseball was for seventeen ears and so was the marriage, although starting and ending at different times. I guess you could say it takes a truly life changing event to really get me to let loose.

So what do you think about this? Are you the same way? Are the people you know with AS in a similar boat? I think you should ask them. I know the way I act may not be acceptable to you, but that is just the way I am.

Societal Pressures

As a typical person of society I am supposed to follow the rules as interpreted by everyone else. I am to get a job and date while blending in. After all, society sees someone like me as 'normal' right? There is no way anyone could see into my head and know there was something 'different' inside there; something many of them have never seen before.

I can communicate with others properly and work without slowing productivity down. While I may not slow its pace down, the work in question can slow me down. All the interacting with people puts undue tension on my brain and tires me out far more than it would a neurotypical person. There is no way around this, I have tried. Taking a little 'mental nap' during my lunch period, not long enough as it is, is the only way I can refocus on the rest of the task I need to complete for the day. Much of my human interaction occurs with little eye contact. Despite this people tell me that I would be a good seller. If you have absorbed any of the last paragraphs you will understand why I tell them it wouldn't work out.

The difficulty that I have is that I am expected to work. I like money, don't get me wrong but all the clouding of the brain makes me seek out jobs that involve the least amount of human interaction possible. If I were lower on the Autism scale I don't know what the case would be in terms of me working a 'regular job'.

As for dating, that just hasn't worked itself out either. There are many blocks that I have to get over in that area. You think I would have figured I out by now; so have I. Shyness is not easy to get over now matter how lonely a person gets. An inability to misread body language and social cues makes it even more fun. I try and fit in but it’s hard sometimes. For the most part I don't know if women are smiling just to be nice or if it’s something more. I'm not daring enough to pay the price to find out. People try to stay out of awkward situations as much as possible. My life is an awkward situation. Feel free to jump inside my head, take a look around, feel what I feel, and see what I see, perceive as I do and then jump back out and tell me it was easy.

I am expected to do what everyone else does. I know what everyone wants me to do. I just have not reached that point yet.

OCD

Many people, to a certain degree, have a little bit of OCD. Whether it be checking something a couple times or a habit you do a few times in a row and wonder just why you do it. To me, OCD can be anything you do that you feel is brought on by a force you cannot fully control. This may sound odd, but bare with me. My main OCD habit is counting compulsively. I can control my brain for the most part but counting is something I have a hard time dealing with. I feel compelled to count and I think I know why. My brain works very fast and I am good at multi-tasking. When my brain is under stimulated it compensates by doing more.

A good example of this is watching my old teammates play baseball at UMass Lowell. Unlike a game on TV there is a lot less going on in terms of announcers and commercials, less background noise. This causes my "counters" to kick in. I count the players on the field in groups of three with the catcher, 3rd base and left fielder, the pitcher, shortstop and center fielder and 1st base, 2nd base and left field comprising the groups, respectively. This would be ok if I didn't do it 30-50 times per game. When I can't stop counting I feel like I have a real problem. I don't feel mentally stable anymore. I feel like someone about to snap. I love watching the games, but the downtime for my brain is what sends it into a counting frenzy. Just like having AS, you wouldn't know I counted just by looking at me. This is only a simple example and there are many more annyoying OCD habits that I do, but you get the jist of it.

Counting for me is a burden. My Mom said she used to count and it ended in her mid twenties. Her history will not have any affect on me because I was adopted. I want it to stop. People always tell me to try and make a game out of it. That does not work, I am sorry to say. Even if it did it would still be a game I don't want to play. I feel that I can relate with people who have addictions with either alcohol or drugs (cigarettes and the like) because my brain is telling me to do a task I do not want. If I try to stop it just starts over again. The only thing that does prevent my from counting is keeping my brain busy. I wish they made an anti-counting patch. At least with cigarettes you have an aid to try and kick the habit. This whole comparison may seem like an overstatement but I feel very strongly about it.

I'd like to know if this is a common thing among people with AS due to the fact that many of us have highly active brains. I ask the people reading this to ask their children or people they know with AS what they feel. Hopefully we can see if a trend is present and try and help one another.