This Blog is Meant to be Interactive!!! Ask me the tough questions People!!!!!

I'm sort of wondering if the people (7 at last count) reading this blog, well, get it. I don't want to offend anyone but the lack of effort on your part to ask me personal questions is not allowing me to help anyone.

The point of the book I'm writing is to provide a character study of myself that can be reflected on people my age who have Asperger's Syndrome. I am giving you, the reader, and an open invitation to ask me anything you want both before and after it is released.

Pick a subject and I'll answer it as best I can. If you want to know how the brain of someone like me works then you have to ask. The book is going to be a portrait of who I am and once it is published I can't regret/take back anything I put in it. What am I going to do, come over to your house and take it away from you? Everything I add to my writing stems here, although I have to save some key thoughts for the book.

I'm not easily offended. I'm 24, I'm not a child, I’m an adult. Ask me what you are afraid to ask your kids or others you know with AS. Stop thinking that I'm going to attack you through the computer and go ahead and ask me whatever the hell you want.

Emotionally Reserved

Simply put, it takes a lot to get me aggravated. Everyday BS like someone cutting me off when I'm driving or people giving me heck is usually not enough to get me going. We all make mistakes when driving or take out our anger on other people for no reason. The key in dealing with other people's lack of control is not to let it bother you and never take it personally. This may seem impossible at times. I shy away from confrontation and bite my tongue in most instances. I only get annoyed if it has something to do with money. Everything else is pretty much stuff I've learned to deal with. There is no sense in getting mad when you know events like what just occurred will continue to happen.

One drawback to this emotionally reserved state I occupy is that I can seem cold much of the time. This is different than laughing at jokes, goofing around or rooting on my favorite teams. This is more like not showing visible remorse when you've hurt someone emotionally or not feeling much of anything as you watch them cry. It may not have been my fault for at all. My Mom cries every now and again right in front of me and I just sit there, stunned almost. There is obviously something bothering her, deeply, and I can understand that. I understand more than people give a person my age credit for, but still, I refrain from crying. It not that I am not trying to cry; I just can't pretend to feel for emotions that are not there; sort of like what people say when they don't love another person as the other wants them to.

I don't cry at funerals either. It's like I'm shielded from the grief that everyone around me is feeling. I do miss the person, don't get me wrong, but I feel inhuman at my own lack of emotion. It is not a comfortable feeling either. To tell the truth it makes me feel bad inside, like there is something missing inside of me.

There will be times when I will cry at a funeral, for five people in fact, only one who is not a family member. I hope those days are far off in the future.

I have cried. There have been moments when I just let it flow. The day my Dad told me he and Mom were not getting back together and leading up to and finalizing my decision to give up baseball (college) because I needed shoulder surgery and felt I wouldn't be able to compete at the high level I was used to. I will probably be playing baseball again this summer but the marriage is long over. Baseball was for seventeen ears and so was the marriage, although starting and ending at different times. I guess you could say it takes a truly life changing event to really get me to let loose.

So what do you think about this? Are you the same way? Are the people you know with AS in a similar boat? I think you should ask them. I know the way I act may not be acceptable to you, but that is just the way I am.

Societal Pressures

As a typical person of society I am supposed to follow the rules as interpreted by everyone else. I am to get a job and date while blending in. After all, society sees someone like me as 'normal' right? There is no way anyone could see into my head and know there was something 'different' inside there; something many of them have never seen before.

I can communicate with others properly and work without slowing productivity down. While I may not slow its pace down, the work in question can slow me down. All the interacting with people puts undue tension on my brain and tires me out far more than it would a neurotypical person. There is no way around this, I have tried. Taking a little 'mental nap' during my lunch period, not long enough as it is, is the only way I can refocus on the rest of the task I need to complete for the day. Much of my human interaction occurs with little eye contact. Despite this people tell me that I would be a good seller. If you have absorbed any of the last paragraphs you will understand why I tell them it wouldn't work out.

The difficulty that I have is that I am expected to work. I like money, don't get me wrong but all the clouding of the brain makes me seek out jobs that involve the least amount of human interaction possible. If I were lower on the Autism scale I don't know what the case would be in terms of me working a 'regular job'.

As for dating, that just hasn't worked itself out either. There are many blocks that I have to get over in that area. You think I would have figured I out by now; so have I. Shyness is not easy to get over now matter how lonely a person gets. An inability to misread body language and social cues makes it even more fun. I try and fit in but it’s hard sometimes. For the most part I don't know if women are smiling just to be nice or if it’s something more. I'm not daring enough to pay the price to find out. People try to stay out of awkward situations as much as possible. My life is an awkward situation. Feel free to jump inside my head, take a look around, feel what I feel, and see what I see, perceive as I do and then jump back out and tell me it was easy.

I am expected to do what everyone else does. I know what everyone wants me to do. I just have not reached that point yet.

OCD

Many people, to a certain degree, have a little bit of OCD. Whether it be checking something a couple times or a habit you do a few times in a row and wonder just why you do it. To me, OCD can be anything you do that you feel is brought on by a force you cannot fully control. This may sound odd, but bare with me. My main OCD habit is counting compulsively. I can control my brain for the most part but counting is something I have a hard time dealing with. I feel compelled to count and I think I know why. My brain works very fast and I am good at multi-tasking. When my brain is under stimulated it compensates by doing more.

A good example of this is watching my old teammates play baseball at UMass Lowell. Unlike a game on TV there is a lot less going on in terms of announcers and commercials, less background noise. This causes my "counters" to kick in. I count the players on the field in groups of three with the catcher, 3rd base and left fielder, the pitcher, shortstop and center fielder and 1st base, 2nd base and left field comprising the groups, respectively. This would be ok if I didn't do it 30-50 times per game. When I can't stop counting I feel like I have a real problem. I don't feel mentally stable anymore. I feel like someone about to snap. I love watching the games, but the downtime for my brain is what sends it into a counting frenzy. Just like having AS, you wouldn't know I counted just by looking at me. This is only a simple example and there are many more annyoying OCD habits that I do, but you get the jist of it.

Counting for me is a burden. My Mom said she used to count and it ended in her mid twenties. Her history will not have any affect on me because I was adopted. I want it to stop. People always tell me to try and make a game out of it. That does not work, I am sorry to say. Even if it did it would still be a game I don't want to play. I feel that I can relate with people who have addictions with either alcohol or drugs (cigarettes and the like) because my brain is telling me to do a task I do not want. If I try to stop it just starts over again. The only thing that does prevent my from counting is keeping my brain busy. I wish they made an anti-counting patch. At least with cigarettes you have an aid to try and kick the habit. This whole comparison may seem like an overstatement but I feel very strongly about it.

I'd like to know if this is a common thing among people with AS due to the fact that many of us have highly active brains. I ask the people reading this to ask their children or people they know with AS what they feel. Hopefully we can see if a trend is present and try and help one another.

YouthCare Speech

So either July 6th or 8th I am scheduled to give a presentation on Asperger's and the transition from high school to college and eventually working. Having just finished college they thought that I would be a good candidate to talk and answer the questions of the young adults in the program. I am planning on possibly what size school to choose and whatnot. The change from a set schedule to one that has time flexibility in between classes will be covered. I don't want to sound rigid to these kids or to scare them either. I'm under the impression that some of them don't make friends easily (although I will ask them each their own situation) and may need help pulling the change off as smooth as possible. I don't want them to get there and be blown away and drop out. I'm going to try and tell it how it is. The major difference I think between me and them is probably going to be that I played baseball in college and went out with the team on a regular basis. The social scene in college is a far different animal then high school, both in and out of the classroom. Even the shyest people have opportunities to make friends. As far as working goes I am going to advise them to find a job that they can handle and comfortable for them to do. People don't realize that some jobs are not a good fit for people with AS, such as selling face to face. This can create awkward situations on a daily basis, something wee just don't need more of. Growing up and people not sensing what you face on a daily basis is frustrating and is the main reason I chose to write my book in the first place. I'm sure I will cover all the idiosyncrasies that go along with the transitions in questions but, just to make sure I cover everything, I would like a little advice as to what I should cover. I have to fill 60-90 minutes as well as a Q&A, the latter being the easiest part, so if you guys wouldn't mind giving me some suggestions I'd be grateful. This is my first time speaking and it will not be my last. They are also paying me. Also if you have any questions regarding this or anything else I'd be glad to answer them. I can't stress this enough. I'm going to have to answer all the tough questions when my book comes out anyways so why prolong the process? Use your imagination, I'm sure you can think of something you'd like to ask me. After all, that's what I'm here for. If you can think of any subject you'd like me to address on this blog then be sure to let me know. Ask me the questions you're afraid to ask your kids.

New Blog Posts Coming Soon

I will have new posts coming up soon. I have beeen working a job and it has taken away from this blog and writing my book. I have also been booked by Youthcare, a program run by Mass General Hospital (http://www2.massgeneral.org/youthcare/) to give a speech, on my own, for 60-90 mintues and to answer the questions of early/late teens with Asperger's syndrome. This will take place in early July. I look forward to your continued interest in my blog and if there are any questions you would like me to answer in the mean time then please let me know.

Poker: Practice with People

At about seventeen I stumbled upon the game of poker. I had always been a fan of card games but Texas Holdem was a different animal. The strategy differed so much from any game that I had seen or played. It was also fascinating to watch on TV. I remember playing it for the first time and not having a clue what to do. It took a while but I got better. Even though I play for money in casinos there is the people element of the game that is still very important to me.

My Dad and I go up to Rockingham Park every other weekend or so and play in the tournaments up there. He buys me in and any money that we win is split. I don't know who realized it first but poker for me has become a way for me to understand and gauge people better. It is sort of tough to put into words. Not only am I around and socializing with people but in trying to figure out how they play the game I learn to what some of their signals mean. Some people do something when they bluff or have a good hand. If I can translate this into everyday situations (i.e. know what certain mannerisms of that person mean) then I can better get a feel for those around me. Poker, for me, acts as practice with people.

You would think that since people with AS are notoriously challenged with reading body language that I would be a sitting duck. That was the case at the beginning. Every time someone would ‘act tough’ my brain would take that as a fight or flight reaction and I would panic and fold my hand. I mean I knew about bluffing but the defense systems in my brain would override my knowledge of the game. By playing more poker I have decreased the anxiety I feel in that particular setting. I don't have a lot of people anxiety anymore, other than around women, but the money element of the game adds a little pressure.

When I got to Foxwoods I tend to play a limit Omaha 8 or Better game and then No limit Holdem. After playing Omaha for a few hours I was nervous at the beginning of the holdem game. It took me a couple hours to really get comfortable. Now I am more in tune and comfortable with what is going on and I feel much calmer. This may have been because I switched from a limit game, where you can only bet some of your chips, to a no limit game, where you can bet it all at anytime. The limits may have affected how I played at first but I can't be certain. Either way I am far comfortable at both games now.

Over the hours you tend to chat a little with the others at the table. The Omaha game I play in is ripe with an older crowd who don't mind calling even when they have a low percentage of winning and can also be bluffed at certain times. There is much more variability at the holdem game. I have to read people better and catalog there tendencies much better. When your whole stack is at stake you tend to make better choices. One thing playing poker has done for me is tempered my brain a little (if there is such a thing).

Normally at parties I am interacting and reading so many peoples body language that I have to take a break every so often. With poker I can go much longer with needing a break. The level of mental tiredness is felt less when at the poker table. I tend to play, both games combined, about 17 hours with about an hour break total for lunch and dinner. Dad does not mind staking me (supplying money) for this because he knows it will ultimately help me. I usually go to Foxwoods with $300 and play in the Omaha game and build up the bankroll before Holdem. This warms up my brain for the kind of thinking that will be done. I am assuming that as I get more accustomed to it I will be able to play holdem right off the bat. Then again I didn't drive two hours to go broke in twenty minutes.

This weekend I will be going to Foxwoods. I don't have any plans for Valentines Day (typical) so I will be taking a drive down by myself. I plan for it to be a lost weekend. Time will move on but I will cease to notice. I tried to get a room but they were all booked except for the expensive rooms. Even the motels nearby were booked/pricey. I'll only get a room if I win big. I'm going down on Friday and plan on staying to late Saturday early Sunday if things go well. I'll take a nap somewhere if I have to. You’d be surprised what your body can do when you need it to.

There are a few goals when I go on these trips alone. Self reflection/thinking about the book I'm writing, winning money and, of course, the adventure. I've met some characters there and had some fun experiences. On the way down I do not have the radio on and I can work through some of my problems on the way there and on the drive back. All the events are going to make for a fun chapter. Wish me luck!