Question from a friend: How do I help my son deal with anxiety?

I recently, last weekend, answered a question from someone I know through Facebook. Amy has a son named Josh and he is 12 years old and has AS like me. I tried to be thorough and relate as best I could using my past experiences in order to answer her questions.

Amy

Hi Kyle.. I hope all is well! I don't know if you remember but I have a son, Josh who has Aspergers, he's 12. I know in the past you have been very helpful with my questions so I was hoping you wouldn't mind me asking you a few more. Josh has been invited to a few Bar mitzvahs in the past few months ( he goes to a private school so everyone in his class gets invited). He went to one and only lasted a few hours before calling me and telling me to pick him up. It was too overwhelming for him. I have not made him go to anymore Bar M since I know he is uncomfortable at them. Is this something that would be typical bc these parties are loud and a lot is going on? I don't want to baby him by letting him miss these but I also don't know if it really is horrible for him being in this situation. I know these parties get very loud, crazy and can be so awkward for any child. Also...he has a class trip coming up in May. Its 6 hrs away and it's a 3 nite overnite. He has been away before on these school trips and he HATED them. He is a mess thinking about the upcoming one in may. He is a really brave kid and can handle a lot of things but these trips are making him miserable. Do you think being away from home and not knowing the schedule or having any structure on these trips could be really overwhelming to him? I again don't want to baby him, but he gets really upset when thinking about these overnites. He is fine going away on trips with us or even just his grandparents. He's going to Italy this summer with just his grandparents for 2 weeks and he is totally fine with that. If you can help me with these questions, I would be so grateful. Thanks so much

Here is how I answered her.

I actually helped a woman I know, recently, with how to proceed in a situation like this. Although she is not on the spectrum like Josh and I, she does have fear of dealing with people and experiences a lot of anxiety as a direct result of continued social exposure. I think the way I have learned to deal with it is by making myself do more, slowly. Although Josh doesn't have as much time until the party/trip to try and implement the technique, with what I am going to advise the sooner he starts the better. If I had figured out what to do and how to manage it at a younger age I might be better off.

Back when I was younger, probably ten or so, my mother would constantly say to me, 'Be social, be social". It didn't really do much for me in terms of advice. She would ask me if I wanted to be in play groups and I always declined, preferring to play alone instead. I was never really bored and always found stuff to do. Besides school and sports I pretty much stayed around the house. Before this time I was part of a group of kids in the neighborhood but they moved away. I also had a close nit group at school and we would all be at each others parties and houses for sleepovers. Things changed when I went to fifth grade. Our new house wasn't done yet and I was forced to go to a different school. Mind you that I went K-4 at one school and was forced to finish grammar school in an entirely new place. That year wasn't easy for me although I did meet a lot of new people, but I didn't do anything outside of school. The next year I met back up with my old friends at middle school but nothing was the same. It was sort of like the first summer after college when everyone is back but things have clearly changed, and not for the better. I didn't hang out with them and in fact the option seemed to not even be available for some reason. I could have asked them to do something, but I didn't, and I just let it go. Even in high school everyone knew me. I was on varsity baseball as a sophomore and the ace of the staff on the team my last two years. This should have made me on of the most popular kids in school, and it may have, but I didn't reap the benefits in a traditional way. I didn't pursue any love interests or even go to prom, the latter of which was not even discussed as an option for me. I don't blame my parents on that front as it just wasn't something for me. The next year at Worcester Academy in fact, where I did a post graduate year before college, I didn't go to prom either and I think I may have just stayed in my dorm room while it was going on. Then college came along.

College for me was a good experience. I played college baseball at a competitive school that just went D1 this year. We were surely one of the better D2 schools in the area. The team dynamic allowed me to be a part of something where people cared about me. We basically did everything together from workouts to meals to classes. I felt like I was back in grade school with my pack of friends, ruling the roost. I was exposed to parties galore and bars (I turned 21 sophomore year because I PG'd) so I went with some of the older guys or hung out with them in their apartments. There were a fair amount of women at these gatherings but nothing ever happened. I'm pretty sure they were all aware of my lack of 'experience'. Being short and a little chubby probably hurt as well. My junior year I had shoulder surgery and had to step away from the team. I could have been in the dugout with them, if I'd asked, but I stayed watched every home game from the stands. I did continue to party with the team but other than that I felt disconnected. I was 23 years old and felt like I had to move on. There was an AS support group at school but it wasn't really what I was after. The guys and one eventual girl were extremely sheltered. It was around this time that I was finding out more and more about how AS impacted me. At the time I was living with two women I knew in an apartment in Lowell right near school ( I have plenty of stories about that year) and we would occasionally go out to the bars together. It was towards the end of the academic year, maybe April, where I began to separate myself from those I knew and experience things on my own. I would go to the bars alone or out to eat by myself. Attend parties at school with people I didn't know but then wander back to my apartment alone. I realized that college was ending and these people wouldn't be around to help me through any longer. I the end it comes down to what you want to do and what you think is important, but at the same time you need to go out and do things sooner or later because the people you have around aren't going to be available forever. I know this seems like a long drawn out and possibly unnecessary story but then again I'm telling you what happened afterward. So there I was, on my own. I had graduated college and was yet to work a couple odd jobs that I'd rather discuss at another time. I'd do whatever work and then just go home. The work was mainly a mental strain on me and most of it still is, so my activities after work are somewhat limited, but I have been doing more things than I was. At some point in college I realized that I only needed a short break, maximum an hour, before I was ready to be social once again. Alone time is very important to people who have anxiety that is brought about by social interaction, but rather than doing what they need to and retreating they should be exposing themselves to the stimuli, then taking a break and then going right back at it. Exposure to something is the best way to deal with it. In time you start to figure out when you have had enough and must take a break. I have heard people say time and again that their symptoms of AS have faded as they got older. Since I believe the brain doesn't really change as much as people think it does what in fact must be happening is that they learn how to deal with their particular set of stressors in a way they can better handle. Through time they have figured out how certain things make them feel and what they can do to combat what they are feeling. If nothing is done at all then things are never going to change. You can either get stuck in a rut or you can get yourself out of it and that is a choice that many people fail to even see. All they know is that fear and anxiety arise when they put themselves in a particular situation, they don't see how it could be improved upon. If you do expose yourself to the stressful situation, then feel anxiety, you should back off just enough to get your bearings and then get back at it. You don't have to be in the middle of the action all the time. I learned this at the many parties I went to in college.

Once I figured out what my possible limits could be I'd have a couple hours of fun and then just go AWOL for twenty minutes or so. I'd walk outside, maybe get a slice of pizza and then come back, refreshed to a certain degree. This is how you learn your limits and the sooner you do so the better. If my mom had forced me to do play group or other things I'm sure I would have hated it initially, but you have to explain that, in the long run, it is for the better. You can't just say to Josh “You'll thank me later”. You need to explain why. The more details he knows the better he will be able to understand. If you keep him in the dark as to why, you will regret it forever. As far as him not knowing what is going to happen on the trip that is another thing he is going to have to learn to deal with. It would be great if you could ask the teachers for a heads up of what is going to occur, but out in the real world, later on in life, this isn't going to happen. Life throws a lot of curve balls at your and you have to learn to adjust accordingly. I don't know when this happened to me, learning to cope with it, but it did. That being said I have learned to go with the flow out of necessity and not to be paralyzed when something unexpected comes out of the blue. Things are going to get screwed up, that is simply life and the sooner you can accept that the better it is going to be. The reason Josh is fine with going to Italy is that he knows who he's going to be with the whole time. Assuming he's never been there it will surely be an entire new place to him with many strange things he has never been exposed to. If I were him at that age I'd be more concerned about that trip then one six hours away. I did go on many road trips and flights to Florida with my family when I was younger and never batted and eye at it. But if you take the comfort of family away then things seem a lot more unsure, which I'm sure Josh knows on some level.

In terms of my own coping with stress as it relates to people I have realized this: You can either sit at home and watch the parade, or you can have your own float in it; or, if you're feeling really brave, you can tackle the guy holding the baton and lead the way for everyone else and have some fun while you're doing it.

I hope I answered your questions and if I did not I really need to know. I'd like to use this as a blog post because I know you're not the only parent who is going through this and I need to help others trying to get their kids through something similar.

So did I answer her questions? She said I did, but I will leave that up to you to decide on your own.

The Personal & Physical Traits of Aspergers Part 7: Non-verbal communication problems: Difficulty reading body language, facial expression and tone

This is the thing that people most often don't get about me, at least the ones in the know, which isn't many. Everyone else who doesn't know probably think I'm a feeb for not getting all of their signals. This is a huge problem for me, and you will soon see why. Everything I do that involves people usually has at least some non-verbal communication taking place. Some things don't involve a lot of talking, like being in lines at the super market or walking on the street. Using their eyes or head motions is how people tend to get the message across. Say I am walking on the street and am currently on a collision course with someone else. One of us is going to have to veer to the side in this game of 'chicken'. I tend to hold my ground but sort of jive to each side, slightly and with a "wait, which way are you going" look directed at the other person. I do this because if the roles were reversed and I had to read their expressions I might get it wrong and then one person has to stop or you both sort of crash into one another. I pretty much, without putting myself in danger, go where the people are not. I'm not going to walk into a car crowded street to avoid someone. I do a lot of weaving in and out to get where I need to go which is easy since I am still quite athletic. After all the walking is done I end up at a destination and then things really get interesting.

So at this point I have to deal with people face to face, I have no choice. I can sill either hide behind my sunglasses, granted I am wearing them, but for business deals I am forced to do a lot of unshielded eye contact. Even at this point I dart in and out with eye contact. My expression can remain lifeless if I am dealing with groceries but for real business I have to show some life. I then have to decipher what the other person is telling me and if I happen to be negotiating I have to either decide whether the deal benefits me more than it does them. The words they use are important and this is where tone comes into play. By what they say I can gauge whether I can/have to push a little harder or give up a little so that the deal actually gets done. This has taken me a while to grasp and if I didn't go through a lot of it I would be hopeless. Of course, when money is on the line I tend to step it up a notch and then go back to how I was mentally beforehand.

I have been told that I can't read between the lines, as it pertains to social situations. This is because I am so busy trying to decipher all the cues multiple people are giving me that some of the language they use gets either misinterpreted or missed outright. I often have to see movies twice to get a sense of why a particular character did something. As you can imagine it gets frustrating. I get a little better each year but then again its a year. There aren't the leaps and bounds you'd expect in how quickly this stuff can be learned by people on the spectrum. There is also the continuing fact that social interaction tires my brain faster than other people. All of the deciphering really takes a toll and by the end of the day I have a severely reduced mental capacity, meaning my critical thinking skills go out the window. I can still do the essentials like driving a car, so there is no danger there, but if I am forced into a social situation its not going to end well, unless the people I'm with like talking to a wall. This is why, when I am feeling this way, I isolate myself until it passes. I did this at lunch in every job I've ever been at and it works OK for a little more clarity to get me through the day, but in the end I always downgrade to not being able to function socially until I can get a larger chunk of alone time. I'll probably add some more but for now this should suffice.

Questions or comments?

The Personal & Physical Traits of Aspergers Part 6: Idiosyncratic Attachment to Inanimate Objects

This is a story I like to tell that illustrates this trait very well.  Back when I was eleven years old, Andover Youth Services had a trip scheduled for Good Times in Somerville, MA, just outside of Boston and not too far from home. I had been there before with my family, sans mom, and we had a blast. They had every kind of game imaginable including bowling and laser tag. So with that in mind I signed up for it. As the bus pulled in to the parking lot anticipation was almost at its height. The mad dash off the bus and through the doors had it reach boiling point. I recall seeing a sign and truck outside as I ran in that Mortal Kombat 4 would be making its stop on a world premier, or something like that. The fact the game was there was quickly overshadowed by a veritable candy-land of games. After that things went hazy for a while as we all set about to play our favorite games, after getting quarters from the many available change machines, of course. After about an hour or so the excitement had died down a little and I was out of change. I went yet again to go get quarters but this time the machine gave me something I will never forget.

After inserting my money a whole bunch of quarters came flowing out. One of them made a peculiar sound for some reason so I thumbed through to see which one had done so. It didn't take me long to figure out which one it was; this coin looked different but I had no idea why, at least at the time. There was something about the color of it, a sort of whitish hue that I had never seen or ever possibly noticed before in all of the other quarters I had ever held before. I checked the date on the coin and it read 1964. I then made a decision that very few children would even consider, let alone do; I put the coin in my back pocket where it would remain until I got home. After that I resumed playing every game I could until the money ran out. I then went in the newly forming line and was one of the first ten kids to play MK4. The new features of that game quickly had the attention of my young mind.

Once I got home I took the coin out of my pocket and showed it to my mother to ask her about it. She told me that it was a silver quarter and that she had found a few of them at the bank when she was working there back in the day. So I had my answer; it was a silver coin from long ago that other people had looked over for over thirty years before it had reached an eleven year old boy who knew there was something 'curious' about it. From then on I was on the search for silver coins although they came few and far between. Every silver coin I see captures my attention and I can remember going to my favorite coin shop and wading through tons of the stuff, a smiling never leaving my face as I did so. To this day I carry three silver coins in my pants pocket at nearly all times, one of which is a 1964 quarter. When I think back even further I realize that I really admired the gold and silver crayons which were included in those monster packs quite a few of us had in school, although I never really used them because they weren't practical in everyday coloring. I think I revered them too much to even do so. That may have been where it started and then the coin put me over the edge. The next thing to capture my eye was my mom's jewelry, which she always had a good deal of.  The feel and sound of the gold and the noise it made when it jingled always captured my attention, not to mention the sparkle of the diamonds she wore all the time.

At around thirteen I began metal detecting so I could find my own silver coins as well as jewelry on my own. I have spent many hours 'hunting' old yards, parks, and of course the beach where the majority of my gold has been found. The hobby has given me a lot of great memories and eaten up a lot of my time over the years. More than anything, though, it was a way to continue to constantly fulfill my need of silver and gold, along with the various other objects I found. But going back to the subject of diamonds there is
actually one she still does wear  that I remember from my youth; a stunning 1.29 ct round center stone that was re-cut from 1.50 cts due to a chip in around the girdle. I've looked up prices, which is very easy for me to do (for those not yet in the loop as to my profession), and it is an $8,000-10,000 stone. Beside it sits two smaller 42.5 point stones (roughly 2/5 ct each) in a solid platinum setting, which I made entirely by hand from one "bar" of platinum (see the pictures below). When her and I were going over what setting the stones would go into the other options were very pricey, averaging $1,500-2,500. I took the initiative to make the setting myself and getting the main stone re-cut, buying the side stones and making the setting were a way that I paid some back rent to my mother, and she is very happy with the ring. So my obsession with precious metals paid off and became my career, who knew. Obviously we all want to do something we are passionate about but not many people are ever able to do what they truly love. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones.

Every time I hold a piece of silver, gold or platinum in my hand I always admire it as if it were even more valuable than it really is. I am not sure that if I was born back when silver and gold was actually money I would have felt this way but even with repeated exposure to them I still get excited each time I handle a piece. I love to flip the three coins I carry around with me just to hear the sound they make. I can and have looked at these items for hours sometimes and I never really knew that was a possible trait of AS before reading about it. Truthfully, I just thought I was a weirdo.

Questions or comments? Let me know.

'Tis the Season to be Busy

So as some of you know I am a professional goldsmith. The last month or so I have been very busy with various projects in the workshop, making my mother a ring from scratch and the usual travelling around trying to find hidden treasures. I have also been going into Boston a lot for supplies at, where else, the Jewelers Building. I always try to enjoy myself there because I love that place but when its about business I have to keep it close to the vest. I have kept my stress at bay by doing a lot of Bikram yoga and eating heartier meals. November and December are crunch time in the life of people who make jewelry. I have been lucky to have a lot more business than I had last year. I still have some nice merchandise in stock and one more engagement ring I have to make and set the stone. This project is in platinum, once again, and I have to make a flower petal design on a head where the diamond will sit. It should be a little challenging, but after what I made for mom it should be a walk in the park. Since the stone setting is very open I'm going to use a graver, not a bur in the flexible shaft machine, to set the stone. This will take a little longer but it will be safer in custom fitting a seat for the profile of the stone. I feel like I'm in a good place right now but I don't settle when it comes to progress in my career. I'm still trying to open a storefront with a business acquaintance of mine, but I'll let you know when that is actually going to happen. So for now I will wish you all the best during the holidays and a happy new year!   

The Personal & Physical Traits of Aspergers Part 5: Can spend hours in the library researching, loves learning and information

   Like most people, I have a thirst for knowledge. For me it depends on the subject. I will either know all about it or nothing at all. While I don't go to the library, I do watch a lot of shows on the History, Travel and Discovery channels. I really enjoy learning about where things came from and how they got to the current level they are at now. Nature documentaries of all types and shows like Modern Marvels, Brain Games, Biography, Inside the Actors Studio, Man vs. Food, American Eats and especially Gem Hunt (which came out at a good time for me given my profession) crowd my DVR; even Buzzfeed can be a huge time-suck. I watch a lot of food/food history shows and if you're ever traveling be sure to ask me where to go, I'll always steer you in the right direction. I actually watch these shows more than once in most cases, but always while I'm eating to avoid having to get in my car and find the nearest substitute. It is a huge thrill for me to visit these places, believe it or not, and I go for the experience even if the food isn't all its cracked up to be.
  I really don't know what it is that makes learning exciting. I mean most people seem like they want to get out of school as fast as possible to avoid it (or maybe its the making money aspect that happens afterward) but for me I enjoyed at least some of it. The history electives I took fascinated me as well as padded my GPA. So how does  all this babble connect to my blog?
  Being someone who chooses to isolate himself in most cases leaves me with a lot of time to kill. I could either sit around and stare at the ceiling or watch/read something that I can perhaps use. I think that being alone most of the time gave me enough time to want to do something constructive, something that didn't strain me like being around people did. I am full of random facts but every time I watch Jeopardy and don't know some answers I feel like I want to know more. It should be noted that the answers in question are subjects I don't have any interest in, so hopefully I get a pass on those. Even if you knowing something isn't true you can make it sound like it is. Now I'm no good at lying to people, ask anyone that knows me they'll tell you the same, but if you throw some random facts around that may stretch the truth you can get people to believe you. I recently told one of the girls working at a local restaurant not to put the steaming hot pasta dish into the thin plastic container because it would release BPA into the food, thus contaminating it. She looked at me with startled eye for a couple of painfully hilarious seconds before I told her I was just joking and it was fine. She said "Really?" in a tone that even I knew meant "Are you sure" not "You're a complete tool". I know this because my mom uses the latter often. I guess I can lie, I just have to believe it to be true, even when its not. 

The Personal & Physical Traits of Aspergers Part 4: Strong sensitivity to sound, touch, taste, sight, and smell (e.g. fabrics—won’t wear certain things, fluorescent lights)

I don't really  know where to begin with this one as I am sort of all over the map here. This might be a long post and hopefully it will all be meaningful. I guess this time I'll start with a real problem area instead of one of my strengths, and that would be scent sensitivity.

Ever since I was little I have hated the scent of womens perfume, girly candles, peppermint/hot cinnamon and those various scented trees people put in their cars. Since I was often with my mom when shopping she expected me to go into each store with her, naturally. The majority I was fine but one in particular I could not stand, Yankee Candle. I could last maybe about a minute in there before I was overcome by a sick feeling and more frequently a pain right in the middle of my forehead. She began to notice this and not force me to go in the store and to this day it is one of the places I try to avoid. That being said, the Christmas Cookie scent they put out is one of my favorites, mainly because it smells real. That being said, I may be over sensitive to artificial scents, but I honestly don't know at this point. Perfume is still a big one for me at this point and that can be problematic as women like to wear it. Am I going to date a woman and tell her she can't wear perfume? On the other hand I don't have too much problem with the deodorant products that I use, mainly because they seem less intense or that I am used to them; once again, I don't really know. I don't really have any strong natural smells that offend me. Food, forget about that one being an issue. I love food and there is nothing that I eat that I don't like the smell of, that is half the battle. I don't eat broccoli, though. I tried it recently and the taste was unbearable, now I know why they try to market it to kids when its covered in cheese sauce. Basically all hot vegetables, with the exception of potatoes, gross me out. How appealing is hot lettuce to anyone? Crispy and cold is the way to go. I always get my sausage at the ballgame without peppers and onions because it just looks slimy to me. The only onions I eat are cold and white, red is also OK. I think scent is more or less mind over matter for me, on some things. I wish I could get over the candles/perfume issues, but I know it could be worse. Let's move onto sound, shall we?

My hearing has always been off the charts. I think it has something to do with the basic animal part of my brain that I went over in "Call Me Captain Caveman". It is all about survival. The better you hear and can therefore earlier assess something trying to sneak up on you, the longer you'll live. Of course, that matter much more long ago. As it is pretty tough to undo evolution I'm stuck with above average hearing, such a shame. I get accused of eavesdropping a lot because I can hear people in the other room. I like to zero in on different conversations in a crowded restaurant which is eavesdropping but its not my fault you decided to talk about something in an open setting. People who know me are aware that I listen to music louder than most, and no, not deafening. This might seem to them that I cannot hear at all. What I am in fact doing is turning the volume up to amplify the back ground noises. I realize this also does the same for the main instrumentals but I can sort of 'listen past' those and 'hear behind' them. I listen for all the little ticks and instrumentals that make up a song, and I do enjoy discovering these sounds that have always been there. This also distracts my mind from counting, social anxiety or a million other things that could be going on. Have you ever noticed a lot of people on the autism spectrum wear headphones? I don't need to be that isolated but music sure does help.

In addition to the regular sounds of everyday life I do hear a light 'static' all the time but its not tinnitus because it has been going on since I was young and I have no history of ear infections or hearing loss. It could be Radio Frequency (RF) hearing but then again I'm not sure. If I don't try to 'listen' to it for a while it goes away, sort of, but then it will come back and, just like hearing a ticking clock that sounds like it is getting louder as you tune your ear to it, that is all I hear again (not really all I hear, but it gets annoying, you get the picture). The light static is a burden sometimes and I just want it to stop. Anyone who has metal detected may know how to compare what I hear. I use a White's metal detector and there is something called a 'threshold' which is the continuous sound used to listen for target signals. Now imagine your hearing works exactly like that; you can always hear what is going on around you but there is a constant back ground noise you also have to content with. That is the best way I can explain it. Loud noises don't really bother me too much. I sort of live by the belief that anything can happen at any time, so always be ready. I can get startled, of course, but I'm not going to freak out by an alarm going off or an ambulance driving by. I think that, over time, I have conditioned myself to deal with loud noises. Sight is another one of my senses that is very linked to sound.

If I hear something the next step is seeing it. Just like my sensitivity to sound, I have very acute vision. I notice things, whether something has been changed or whatever it may be, I'll be the first to point it out. This may be due to my attention to detail or, once again, my basic animal instincts for sensing that something isn't right. By 'right' I don't mean bad, but just not as it was the last time. I've learned not to doubt this sense at all, just like my memory for faces. They both are a deep gut instinct that goes beyond having to think about it. This may have been heightened further by my jewelry training, as minute details take on more importance. Although I am detail oriented I try not to let that ruin or get in the way of things, like how I spend my time. I have to control what is important and let go what is not, otherwise I'd be nit picking something forever. Instead, let's explore a more touchy subject.

Touch is something that I am OK with, more so than most people on the spectrum. Handshakes are fine with me as is hugging. but the latter is usually a greeting that replaces the former when its someone I know well. When most people need a hug, usually do to emotion, I tend to leave the hug out. I don't need hugs because I typically don't cry and the only situation that would warrant that would be an embrace before a long goodbye or a death. Other than those things, touch doesn't really happen that often for me, sort of like other people riding in my car. I did get a massage recently (couldn't resist that Groupon) and I was touched all over and very deeply, as it was a deep tissue massage. I thought I might have a problem with it but I was fine. I also thought, that due to the fact that I am not used to being touched all over by a woman (ever) that I would become aroused. I did not and this was really surprising to me. Maybe my self control is getting better or it may be that typically when I am around a lot of women, whom I'd want to touch me, alcohol is involved. That being said there is one place that you can never try to touch me, which is under my armpits. I have always hated being touched there. I have pictures of myself as a baby doing something curious, and that is when someone is most often picked up with hands under the armpits. I used to do a thing my mom called 'the arch'. I would literally arch myself backwards every time someone picked me up this way. I still think that my extreme dislike of being uncomfortable being touched there stems from when I was an infant. When you think about it you're basically helpless in that position, or at least I felt like I was. I will immediately close the area off like a bear trap when a person goes to touch me there, and if continual efforts are made I'll use my elbows, and you don't want it to get to that point, trust me.

So now you know what I am sensitive to, physically, that is. Emotionally, though, I'll always be a brick wall that there are only a few ways past; so good luck figuring them out. 

The Personal & Physical Traits of Aspergers Part 3: Doesn't always recognize faces right away (even close loved ones)

I have to say that this trait is something I am not burdened with; I am more the opposite in fact. Since I am the opposite I have no idea how this can happen to people so I will stay away from any theories I have which will certainly not be valid. In the area of face recognition I can even brag a little if I want to. You should first know that when it comes to matters of whether something is or isn't I am usually very cut and dry. On this particular subject, however, I am on the fence. What I am circling here is that my ability to remember and instantly recognize faces is possibly in the realm of being a super-recognizer. Even after reading the descriptions of what it means to be a super-recognizer I don't know if there it varies, like the autism spectrum varies, for example. At one point I was 90% sure I was (and I still feel more or less this way) and this number was based on other things I once had doubts about and they later became true, the same internal feeling I had, I mean. But like I said, what it comes down to, I am assuming, is that it is 50-50, I either am or I am not as far as science and clinical testing goes. I guess I should give you the evidence, there is quite a bit of it, now and let you decide for yourself.

Back when I was still in my teens, dad and I would be randomly watching an older movie, a western perhaps, as he tended to (and still does) flip around a lot and then stops at the first thing he likes. I would see a character and exclaim "Oh, that is so and so". He, haven grown up and seeing the movie when it first came out, would basically tell me I was mistaken or that "Naw, it couldn't be". Luckily for us on this friendly argument, the internet was invented and all I had to do was go to IMDB and check. I was correct. I must stop here and ask you this: How could a person who grew up with the characters, and just as many people do, go back and watch the same movies a few times throughout the course of their lives before seeing them yet again with their eventual son and be mistaken about who the actor is? He/she has surely seen the actor in other roles before they either died or passed into obscurity and has those images of aging to compare while the much younger person they are with recognizes the actor and, in nearly all cases that involve my dad, have only seen the actor in their older form of being. What my dad started to do was bet me. Usually it was $10-20 and he lost each time, a total of around $80-100 total before he decided it wasn't in his interest to simply hand me money. Still, poker players often know they are beat but call expecting to be shown a winner; just for knowledge/ piece of mind maybe. Back to me though.

Whenever I see people I haven't seen for a while I instantly know it is them and it doesn't matter if I haven't seen them in years. I can even recognize them in baby pictures. Something is triggered either by the way they walk or their voice and my brain just says "It's them" without question. After not believing in the ability myself for a while (and honestly not knowing if it was just in my head or if it even had a specific term) I began to just let whatever cognitive system was allowing me to do it take over. I stopped questioning it because, as they say, when you know you know. One of the most apparent instances, way more profound to me than the bets with dad, occurred in 2005 at Worcester Academy.

To fulfill some type of mandatory community service hours that were necessary to graduate, students had to help out in some way, and I chose to help Ms. Gould in her office sorting photos on the computer. My decision may have been easier because she had a golden retriever puppy named Monty that I could pet whenever I felt like it. So I was sorting photos into various folders (athletics, assembly, etc.) and also sorting photographs submitted by parents of their kids when they were younger. Ms. Gould asked me to see if I could 'decipher' who a specific photo was of that she was having trouble with. I took a quick look and told her "Mike Allen" feeling 100% with my answer. She paused for a second and said something to the effect of "Oh, my, how did you know that/I not see that?!" She had a wide eyed look on her face and even I know that is evident of genuine surprise. No here is where this bit gets interesting: I had been at the school only about seven months and of course had been exposed to hundreds of students and some of them commute because the dorms aren't big enough to house everyone. Mike and I were friends at school but he was a commuter but until Ms. Gould brought the next fact up to me and I thought about it years later did the weight of it occur to me: Mike Allen was a lifer, meaning he went to the lower and upper schools at WA. He had been there since he was in 6th grade so even if Ms. Gould didn't have him for grades 6-8 (and I still don't know what her official title was/is but she may have been exposed to him before he reached the upper school and certainly after he did) she may have met him before grades 9-12. I do not know the exact age Mike was in the picture, and I probably should ask him, but I knew it was him, no question in my mind. I don't know if it was the smile, his head shape or facial features but I knew it instantly. So how could a teacher that had known someone a minimum of four and a maximum of seven years not know and be stumped by a picture of someone they have seen number in the hundreds of times while myself, who has only known the man in question seven months, maximum, and never seen him while he was younger, recognize him right away? But wait there's more.

I see old teachers, parents of friends and I say 'hello' to them as is customary and they have no idea who I am. Saying they look at me as if I had five heads would probably be more accurate. I then explain to them the types of interaction we used to have and then they start to get it, although a few of them still have no idea and are probably internally think I am crazy. I know I have gained 25 pounds since high school but, come on, I didn't get plastic surgery or anything like that. As it relates to them in my mind, any apparent weight gain, age lines or change in appearance does not phase me in the least bit, its like I can see through the, well I guess its not a disguise because they now look like that, veil of aging that they have gone through. It is for this reason I will always be the first to notice, and subsequently point out, that you got a hair cut or even styled your hair differently that day. Something is my brain just goes off and says 'A change has occurred here', that is the best way I can describe it. What I am exploring, and not deeply yet but possibly later on, is the theory that cavemen/cave women did have something internally that let them recognize friend of foe quickly. This may have been a necessary defense mechanism for them as not being able to notice could have left them vulnerable to attack. I think I briefly discussed something like this and certainly a lot more in an earlier, and possibly popular for some reason post entitled "Call me Captain Caveman" that can be seen on this blog. I say 'possibly popular' because the post was up for a year or so before it started getting most of the hits on my blog and I am left to wonder whether people magically started searching for Captain Caveman since then and why the post had barely any views before it became as popular as it is today (although no one comments on the post itself for some reason). I am also, on that specific post, inquisitive as to whether or not people on the higher autism spectrum share key parts of the brain with Neanderthals to this day. Things such as anxiety as it relates to the obvious, at least for me in my experiences, the sudden and almost explainable 'fight or flight' reaction that often kicks in as it relates to social situations and the possible face recognition capabilities that I mentioned earlier. Being a super-recognizer is not really a super rarity but it can be of value to police and, before computers, casino use to catch possible cheaters. The really odd thing is, I can't recall to a sketch artist everything about a persons face in the most extreme details you may expect, but put ten jokers in a lineup and I will pick the person who's face it belongs to and just like that, they are off to jail. I'm positive seeing them again triggers something, something that is beyond doubt. As far as testing goes, I did pretty well.

Before I knew the term super-recognizer, I considered and used the term for what I perceive to be called facial-photographic and this term, as I explained, isn't accurate at all. I am unable to accurately describe most faces in detail although I can see the image of the person in my mind very quickly but upon seeing them again, and knowing it, is another matter entirely. I was watching 60 Minutes by sheer dumb luck when they reported on people who suffered from what is called Prosopagnosia or face blindness. They then reported on the opposite side of that, naturally, as they always try to do with any rare condition that has an opposite to compare it to. The super-recognize they were featuring was given the Before they were famous' test. I got every one of them right as well, quickly. I'm no good at math but things seemed to be adding up. I don't think the test was fool proof, and neither was the one that I scored borderline on. In the other one they take faces and then take the hair off or put hooded sweatshirts on the people and you need to try and guess if you saw them before. I, of course, had never seen the faces as they were totally random so it wasn't anything to go off of, just another bunch of faces in the crowd. I do have a theory, non technical, about how the super-recognizer brain my work.

What I think, and this is what I surmised on my own, is that the system works like this: Once you see and process a face it goes into the 'Bank' so to speak. Upon seeing the face again information from the 'bank' is called up or some sort of trigger goes off that alerts you that you have seen this face before, or one like it. It gets sort of tricky here and the next part is from my own experiences. Everyone seems to have a doppelganger out there in the world. I have seen many people who resemble celebrities but not fully, something with a combination of their facial features just screams it, to me. When I am with someone else they try to do what I can by saying that some random person we both can see looks like so and so. It takes me one look to decide whether they are close or not and a lot of the time they are either,  partially correct and I agree, I bring up another person who they didn't think of and they say "Oh, wow, you're right" or, and this is where it can get really funny, an 'amalgam' (as I call it) of a few different people. I had a ton of fun with a few people at my old roommate Heather's (yes, the last year in college I lived with not one, but two girls; and that is another story entirely that I am saving for my book) graduation party. Her dad is an obvious Christoper Walken while some, unfortunate may not be the right word, lady was an amalgam of John Denver and Axl Rose, spot on. She had the long Axl hair and the vintage Denver glasses and everyone who was in the circle laughed until they cried. The ability to come up with the amalgam is perhaps one of the most telling sign for me. If I am not, than what am I with regards to how I recognize faces. Am I stuck somewhere in the middle of nowhere, as I am on the autism spectrum or am I totally wrong here?

So what do you think, am I a super-recognizer of not? I may have to add more, but for now I will let you tell me what you think.