How My Heart Equals My Brain (This gets personal)

Before I was told by an assessment that I had AS I had to take another test completely unrelated. I think I was either fifteen or sixteen and the doctor noticed that my heartbeat was not in sync. He was worried, as all doctors who don't wish to be sued are, about me possibly having an irregular ticker. For a day I was made to a heart monitor that would enable them to take a large enough sample from and determine if my irregular heartbeat was life threatening. The concluded that it was not and that I could resume playing sports. I do notice that, after physical activity, my heart does skip beats or does some odd rhythmic combination. The nurse taking my heartbeat before I gave blood one time asked if I had been tested, and I said I had and not to worry about it. Only a few months after learning that my heart was irregular I was told my brain was also. This had larger ramifications that I am still uncovering. The two are connected, however, but not scientifically as you are probably thinking. Look at the date of this post and you will understand.

It's not easy finding someone when you heart beat is not the same as theirs. After all isn't love finding someone whom your heart beats for? If you add into the mix that my brain will never be on the same page as an you NT's then you see where the problem lies. Right now you're probably wondering why I don't date someone like myself. Easier said than done. While she would understand what I am going through most people like us aren't into the touchy feeling stuff other people are. I am, though, and it may be too much for her. If there is one thing that I was given that is 'normal' then it would be sexual drive. My desire is just as strong as any other man but the kicker is that I don't have the social skills with women to be able to get to that point. I don't like confrontation as it sets off my fight or flight response. I've never dated and didn't even go to prom, and I was a star athlete in high school. By the time college rolled around (even though I played baseball there) I'd missed out on too much in the female department, and news travels fast. I'm sure I could have found some naive freshmen my junior or senior year but that time has passed. There is no one to blame but myself.

Aside from all of the above, why don't I just try to date a NT? Well, how is she going to understand? If I spill the beans she's likely to think I'm not capable of love or anything meaningful. When people hear the words autism or autism spectrum they assume things. There assumptions would be correct IF they were true. They don't even hear the word spectrum, just autism. If they knew that there were various arrays of autism and that we are not all like Rainman then I might finally get somewhere. I can't force them to believe anything. Being on the shorter side height wise doesn't help much either.

All the women on the dating sites I am on want a tall man, for reasons you can figure out for yourself. In my situation I don't need a '10' to start off with, just some girl who doesn't weigh twice as much as me. As for all the women who have messaged me, well, take a wild guess. I decided to play a little mind game with that, and since I'm only interested in casual dating at the moment because I'll be leaving for three months, I put my headline up as "If your deal-breaker is height, mine is IQ>120". This is appropriate because if they were smart enough to look past what they think is a flaw then they would see what they're missing out on. I understand no one will deduce that from reading that but, until I get back, who gives a shit. It will be nice to put 'Profession Goldsmith' into the occupation field and have some pictures of me at work. Women like jewelry, right?

One thing though, that I probably shouldn't even say but I'm going to, is that I don't want to end up with the first girl I meet. My teammates in college said that would happen to me. "Where is the fun in that?" and I must say I agree. I'm still young. I'm not saying I'm going to cheat (look up AS as it relates to love and you will see that one of the characteristics is extreme loyalty) but I have to at least see what's out there. Even so, how is she going to understand the lack of emotion she is used to, not being able to understand the nonverbal cues or why I'm awkward in most social situations? One thing I am capable of is moving on, and I know that means hurting people, which I don't like to do but I'm sure it will be necessary at some point.

It comes down to this: Find a woman my heart will beat for but she has to have a brain that can accept mine. She needs to be so mentally tough like myself by not taking the easy way out (after all I haven't turned to a hooker or gone after jail bait) and not be derailed by simple pitfalls. I know you're thinking it, but just in case...."Good luck!".

My Natural Speaking Voice

Honestly I don't know which voice is the one I started out with. I enjoy doing other peoples voices, so you could say I'm a mimic of sorts. I do so many others that I'm not sure which one is my own anymore. The typical Aspy voice is characterized by being very monotone, almost forced. I sound like a robot without any excitement in my voice. But I don't know if I have to try to do that voice, like a British actor doing an American voice or it comes naturally.

My voice took a dramatic change when I was eleven years old. I was at a friends birthday sleep over and then next morning I called my Mom for a ride home. She asked "Who is this?" and I had to answer a couple questions to verify who I was. I was puzzled as to why she made me do this and it wasn't until I realized that my voice had in fact changed that I knew why.

The way my friends from college know my voice is a very fast, rambling set of sounds that can loosely be described at sentences. one of my nick names among my teammates was 'subtitles'. This is completely true. When I talk, and am excited about something, much can be lost in translation. Most people just nod suggestively as most things I say are not important to begin with. I sometimes give friends this exact disclaimer, as funny as that may sound. Once again I don't know if this voice is natural or not, but it is one I have been using for quite some time so it might be. People do have an effect on me, so maybe being around them has a say on what my voice will sound like at any given time.

As far as other voices are concerned I like to do them because it distracts me from my own. I hate how I sound on the phone or anything that has been recorded. I don't feel that it sounds like me at all. This may all not sound important but voice is part of identity, and you always want to feel like yourself. The reason I do voices is sometimes I want to feel like someone else. There is one voice that does not change, however. That would be the one in my head.

And Then There Is Me

I like to see what my close friends are up to from time to time. Some of my teammates from college are getting married and having kids already. Others are in relationships and getting out of college mode into adulthood where a whole new set of stresses await them. We make time to see one another here and there or call each other when birthdays come around. It seems like everything in their lives is happening at once. I was thinking things had changed a little from my parent's time and people waited longer to get married nowadays. I guess when you love someone you just know it.

My friend/roommate from senior year Heather is getting married and I'm going to be a little more than just in the wedding. I'm making Tyler's, her fiancé and also a good friend, wedding band while I'm down at jewelry school. My official title for the wedding, as posted online, is "Bridesman"; which I couldn't help but find amusing. Changes seem to be happening all around me.

And then there is me. I went to a number of college parties with my teammates but nothing ever came of it for me. No one ever tried to introduce me to anyone; they just let me do my own thing. Everyone pretty much only cared for their own stats anyways. I must add that only a couple knew of my AS (I found out after school was over) and they didn't tell a soul. I've noticed women that I thought could have been interested, but was too shy to make any sort of move. You don't know what it's like to have a fight or flight reaction when thinking of addressing a female. I haven't come over that fear yet. The truth of the matter is I'm 26, I've been single since, forever, never dated and never went to prom.

It takes a toll on you, it really does. I'd like to have someone to turn to, other than people I already know. Someone who I can be both intimate towards and do things for. I think it's about time I had a girlfriend. I'm on a couple of sites but with no such luck. I'm leaving for Nashville in just over thirty days for three months of training so that puts a damper on things. Once I get back I'll be able to tell people, quite proudly, that I'm a professional goldsmith. How many of those do YOU know?

Questions or Comments? Let me know.

How Temperament Saved the Day

I was bullied when I was younger and it made me a lot tougher. It was all verbal and nothing ever got physical, so I guess I'm lucky on that behalf. That helped in enabling me to deal with sudden changes or when things got uncomfortable. You could say that, in an odd way, bullying helped me. With thick skin you can do a lot of things, such as keeping a clear head when the shit is about to hit the fan. No, I haven't seen it all, but things don't impress me like they do to others. Certain things do and certain things don't. I took a couple personality tests in college and one showed, clearly, that when things change rapidly I am in perfect harmony of three of the four factors that make up judgment in a given situation. Put simply, I am able to refrain from panicking, remain calm and think rationally in pressure situation. This ability assuredly helped me pitch at a high level. Speaking of pressure situations, guess what happened to me yesterday?

I was driving down back on 28 from North Reading after getting my oil changed. The latch that held my hood down was broken, and the guy having to use all of his might to open it for service did not help. If you have ever seen the movie Tommy Boy then you know exactly what this would have looked like. I was going about 50mph down 28, with two cars behind me, when my hood suddenly lifted and almost entirely blocked my view of the road. I could still see, barely, from the curvature of the nearest part of the hood to the driver (well, before the hood was up) that gave me about three inches to view what was in front of me. My rear-view mirrors were fine to see out of but I would much rather see in front then back. Honestly at the time I was more annoyed about having to pay for a new hood then anything else. They guy at the oil change place said I should get a new hood anyways. Well the safety bar being snapped from the hood rising so rapidly ensured his prediction. I called the place, could have called AAA, and they came out an used a couple coat hangers to latch it down until I got home. I wanted them to see it so I could assess whether they were liable or not.

In the photo I have provided you can clearly see the seam where the hood bent. Now imagine that whole thing covering the windshield. There is not much space to be seen where the curve is nearest the driver, that I was able to still see through when the hood lifted, (and I probably should have taken a picture before I got the hood replaced) but it is there.

I would like to know, what would you have done in a similar situation? Everyone I told the story to said they would have freaked out. I assume this means their outcome would have been different. My sister half scolded me for going that fast on 28 (In all honesty its a main drag and I was keeping pace with the traffic, so she can stick it) and I said back "Better there then the left lane of the highway going 80mph", which is true because I usually go fast in the left lane, as nature intended. If I had been on the highway I would most likely been less lucky or my car totaled by someone behind me. Also notice that in the title it says 'Saved the day' and not 'Saved my life'. There was no contact from any of the other cars, nor was there a sudden crash into the guard rail as I had to 'blindly' navigate a lane over to the parking lot of the restaurant I assessed the damage at. Anyone else would have embellished the story in one of a million directions, I chose not to.

Temperament has also made it that I tell stories that aren't half bullshit, as you hear often from people trying to make their story the biggest thing that has ever happened to them. If I am guilty of anything, I guess it would be that I tend to under sell things more often than not. My Dad always tells people that when I was a pitcher that I threw 90mph. If I am there when he says that I correct him by telling the other person that it was only 88mph. If something didn't happen, then it just didn't happen. There's no reason getting wound up about something that isn't worth it, or the honest truth for that matter.

Question or Comments? Let me know (although you never do).

Dealing with Childhood Anxiety

As a child I was not as in control of my anxiety as I am now. I can recall the first time I felt it.

I was young, probably about three or four and I was strolling along the walkway outside our house towards the stairs leading down to the driveway. I had just finished eating a packet of some sort of meteorite candy (similar to gushers but much smaller with no juicy center, the name eludes me now) and had pulled out another packet from my pocket when my sister said "Don't eat that, its got's calories in it!" Immediately I felt paranoid and thought 'Oh, no! What are calories?! Are they bad?! What is going to happen to me if I eat another packet of these?! Will I die?! Those thoughts raced through my head. I still think I may have eaten the second packet or even given it to her. Either way I felt legitimate fear based on the unknown, and after all that is what anxiety is, right?

Although unrelated to the aforementioned incident, I did have repeated tantrums where I must have felt an extreme amount of anxiety. These stemmed from not getting my way. I talked to my mother and she said it must have happened anywhere from 20-50 times. These were not your usual tantrums, though. I would scream until I passed out. My mom thought that I was dead the first time, but luckily our neighbor knew what was happening. I do remember one occasion of screaming and then hitting my head on the lower part of the cabinet at said neighbors house. That is really the only incident I can recall, the rest are lost by my brain, a rare occurrence.

As sixth grade started I got very anxious about a whole bunch of things. I worried so much and hard that I felt like I had a stomach ache. Ms. Macnamee gave me crackers to try and ease the pain I was feeling. I was so worried that I was going to be late for a class or forget my locker combination. It doesn't sound like something most kids would be worried about but for me it was a terrible thought the first week of sixth grade. I got over it and didn't look back. The move to high school had no such incidents.

I don't know when I learned to control most of my anxiety but I tend not to worry about the same things you do. We all have different things that can cause us to lose sleep. I see any problem as something that I will laugh about later, and I do tell myself this as I go through the ordeal. You know what? I have a lot to laugh about. The more success I have the easier it becomes to feel comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. I just think to myself 'Well, you've done this a million times, how about once more?'

Questions or comments? Let me know.

Call Me Captain Caveman: AS & The Caveman Theory

I was recently looking at the Neanderthal Theory of Evolution how caveman acted and what the driving forces were behind their behavior.  I recalled that some AS test had many of the same premises and I began to wonder why. I enjoyed laughing to myself as I said 'yes' to many of the questions listed. But, the one thing that separated Cro-Magnons from Neanderthals, intelligence, I do have an answer for. It's called learning and adaptation and the old saying "Mind over matter".

A couple of the questions (and I realize the list isn't perfect) that address sensitivity to heat, cold, wind and/or changes in air-pressure, humidity etc , difficulty with throwing and catching a ball and whether or not I notice small sounds that others don't, feel pained by loud or irritating noise (but only the second part of that last question matters here) and ability or lack thereof of fine motor skills. Before I start I would like to say that the whole comparison makes sense. I am not sure, but I feel, by my own intuition, that there is an upper as well as lower functioning parts of the brain at work in people on the autism spectrum. The amygala, the little almond shaped things that are in all vertebrate brains is enlarged in people with any type of autism. This clearly explains why I feel a definite 'fight-or-flight response' in many situations. This can be shown as anxiety or nervous looking around the room upon entering. If you were to put a woman that I was unfamiliar with, and I daresay an attractive woman, then my brain goes a little haywire. This all depends on a number of things and just meeting a female for me is fine, pending I have no sexual desire for her or we previously know one another. A stranger at a bar, forget about it. I'd rather sit there and drink alone rather than talk to her, and this isn't because I'm not into her; rather the opposite, but my fear of breaking the social ice and anxiety of rejection, embarrassment in public and mumbling all keep me from doing so. How else do you think I have remained single all these years (and no, I am not proud of that, the opposite in fact. Besides the whole female thing, there are ways I can tell you how I overcame the response that my amygdalas try very hard to initiate.

Starting with the first one I have to say that in season, I don't mind extreme heat or cold. I always wear pants outside, no matter what temperature it is. This stems from necessity in my workshop and the fact that molten silver/gold touching your bare leg doesn't feel to good (I have been doing this for years and wear a leather apron/gloves so don't worry about my safety). The only weather that bothers me is a fifty degree day in December or thirty in April. The sudden shock can be overcome. Right now its around 30-40F and most days I subject myself to a 105F Bikram Yoga room for ninety minutes. I even feel a breeze in there now and again; although some think that may be ghosts in the old mill building its housed in. In that class I have my spot in front of everyone else, except the rest of the row, right up in front next to the mirror. I'm one of the better ones there but Stephanie still puts me to shame most days. The heat didn't take much to get over and just hydrating before class helps a lot.

As for difficulty throwing and catching a ball, well you can say I defied that one many times over, but I think I had a little help with that, in more ways then one. I was always good at baseball, from five years old and up. Most other sports I'm not good at, but only because I never put the time in. Before high school I did have a pitching coach I went to each week and he taught me how to really throw. That was money well spent. I didn't just do OK, I was a conference all star senior year of high school and I went on to play baseball in college at UMass Lowell. As far as D2 school go it is one of the premier schools in the NE-10 Conference. I was a pitcher and my fastball velocity was 84-87mph with 88 as a top out. If I was taller than 5'5'' and 165lbs I probably could have gone somewhere better, as college coaches take size over heart in most cases. I loved playing in an actual stadium at Lowell and wouldn't change a thing about my college experience, baseball wise. The thing about getting loose in the bullpen vs being in a game was the introduction of adrenaline to my system. I figured what I am about to say after I was done playing. I wouldn't begin throwing my hardest until I either heard the pop of the catcher mitt or, and I think this one was more important in terms of stimuli response, a batter fouled a ball off. In the conference we played in it was wooden bat. I guess I should call it the 'connecting sound' when the ball I threw was made contact with released a flood of adrenaline into my system. My velocity went up 8-10 mph very quickly and I could sustain that through the rest of the game. I am not entirely sure adrenaline can last that long but I guess it can when it needs to. Being 'locked in' for a couple hours, especially in a team atmosphere is very draining and its a wonder I could do it at all. I still can, most likely but I'd need to get my arm back in shape before trying to throw off a mound again.

As for being sensitive to small sounds and loud annoying ones,I have come to terms with that, too. I notice just about everything and if anything is changed my brain has little trouble distinguishing what has been altered. I take that as a defense mechanism type thing. If you get a haircut I'll be all over it. I'm not sure if loud sounds used to annoy me but I am fine with them now. That came from conditioning myself to either block them out or, put bluntly, not be a little bitch about it. One thing I have learned is that you never know what is going to happen next, so be alert and ready for anything, anything.

As far as fine motor skills go, well, I'm in the process of training to be a goldsmith. The type of work I am talking about isn't that cutesy bead stringing you would expect from someone on the autism spectrum. I use a 3,700F-6000F oxy-propane torch and various hand tools which include flex-shaft. This involves infinite patience, which I have, and the ability to concentrate for hours on end, which is an Aspy trademark. The only trick is learning the motor skills, which can be hard at first, but if you take the time to repeat them enough then you can learn anything you wish. For me the motor skills do take longer, I admit that, but I have done so better than I even thought. After I go to and get back from training I will most likely work for someone before I go out on my own. I want to concentrate on platinum work, which is a whole different animal as far as jewelry goes.

Adaptation and learning can go a long way for anyone. I refuse to believe people who say I cannot do something. That's one reason to keep AS a secret (except from my readers of course). My dad never thought I would be able to drive a car. When he realized I wasn't quite Rain man, can take a person beeping at me, drive 80mph in the fast lane and that I actually see things on the road before they happen, well, I'd say he was more than surprised. You work with what you are given. If that means you have to refine those skills and adapt to your surroundings, then so be it.

Questions or Comments? Let me know.

Physically Sick: First Time Four Years

Since Thursday of last week (1/5/12) I have been stuffed up and lacking energy. This is the first time I have been sick since sophomore year of college, fall semester. Even then I was only sick for a day as it was a quick, but noticeable fever. Everyone else on the team also got it and it was from being exposed to too many varying weather conditions in a very long day. The time I was sick before that; I cannot recall. Maybe it was fifteen years ago as I don't recall missing school for sickness. My mom even asked me one day if I would like to stay home for no reason (we all know I went anyways). I define sick as needing to either take medicine for something or missing school or work. I never have to take anything, outside of allergy season that is. My parents don't really recall me getting sick when I was younger. I am not unbreakable, but it sure feels like it sometimes.

While at Worcester Academy there were two occasions when a puking virus went around during the winter. Many people in the school, not to mention Dexter Hall, where I was living, came down with it. It made you puke until you saw bile only coming up. I never got this virus. I have not had a flu shot since, well, I can remember either. I'll have to ask my mom about that. The point of all this is, I don't get sick easily, and if I do (and you see me) you better run because its the damn plague. Granted I knew where this virus came from (the house my brother lives in some girl gave it to everybody) and I only think I got it because it was New Year's Eve and I stayed up until 6am. It didn't help that I also stayed up until 3am the following evening. I then did Bikram Yoga four straight days, Sunday-Wednesday and got stronger each time because I had been out for a month and a half as a result of a strained shoulder muscle from pulling a stuck cork out at a wrong angle.

I have heard this may be a Latino thing. While being a slave at Nordstrom, I heard that someones boyfriend never got sick, even when they were in close contact with them and had a virus. My brother is sick often, only because he wears himself out and doesn't sleep enough. As for my sister, I'm not sure about here at the moment.

I would like to think this is an AS related thing about being in control; meaning that not being able to have control of your bodily functions makes you paranoid enough to the point that ever getting sick is unacceptable. That is likely not the case. This is more of a gripe post than anything else. Being sick for this many days (going on five days now) is depressing.