What Kind Of Person I Am ( Creative Writing )

I'm the kind of person who will calculates a few moves in advance, even over some of the simplest decisions. I'm the kind of person who doesn't mind waiting a long time, and I mean a real long time, in a line for something that is worth it and for that I have learned that patience is, more often than not, undervalued in this day in age. I'm the kind of person who wears sunglasses to the supermarket. I'm the kind of person who doesn't wear a jacket in the rain or carry an umbrella; it's water people. I'm the kind of person who can know every face and recall what it looked like at any age. I'm the kind of person who you don't want to go against in Jeopardy. I'm the kind of person who can hold a real silver coin in my hand and be amused thinking about where it has been and who has touched it over its many years, flipping it up to myself as I ponder. I'm the kind of person who will help out a random stranger load something heavy into their car as I am walking by. I'm the kind of person who says 'Bless you to anyone and everyone, even if they are one hundred feet away in a crowded hall. I'm the kind of person who will ask a dog owner if their animal has been out in the woods before I reach down for a pet (the mere thought of the dog potentially carrying poison ivy oils is enough to deter me from touching even the nicest looking animal). I'm the kind of person who, when I damn well please, will not even leave the house some days (mostly only on Sundays, though). I'm the kind of person who plays finger guitar on the steering wheel with my opposite hand even though I feel I may be getting carpel tunnel from doing so. I'm the kind of person who you can't simply look at and know what is going on (in my brain that is) . I'm the kind of person who, when asked of something that happened in the past, will give you every known detail or; when refreshed by you on the matter hazy to me, will again give you every known detail. I'm the kind of person who says the wrong thing and always laughs at the wrong time, not on purpose, though. I'm the kind of person who's eyes seem to be locked into a type of trance that give off the type of expression a mime would consider cheerful. I'm the kind of person who, despite long odds unknown to him at the time, played and dominated high school and college baseball. I'm the kind of person who has never dated despite having played baseball in high school and in college. I'm the kind of person who lets the party flow around him instead of jumping into it.

I'm the kind of person who used to listen to the cowardly lion inside his head. I'm the kind of person who had a father who never thought I would be able to drive a car. I'm the kind of person who would stay in alone every night and watch other people have fun. I'm the kind of person who finally decided that my passion, gold-smithing, will be my career (and trust me the parents are happy about this). I'm the kind of person who is only beginning to believe in himself and now has enough courage to do so. I'm the kind of person who realized what he is meant to do. I'm the kind of person who doesn't mind sharing what he has learned (still working on my book).

I'm also the kind of person who has let life pass by him up to this point and realized I had to do something about it.

Questions or Comments? Let me know.

Epic Buying Failure

So I was trying to meet an older woman to buy a pearl set off of her, via Craig's List. I have done plenty of deals like this successfully. Last night I called her after emailing a few times to set up a time and a place. She said to me, "Oh, I just emailed you". This was at 7:24pm and I called her at 7:25pm while with my Dad. She said she could meet the next day, today, at 1:30pm, at the Nissan dealership in Beverly. I said "OK" after she talked my ear off for ten minutes (My Dad actually called me on the phone to give me an excuse to hang up. The reason we were going to meet there is because she had a doctors appointment at the hospital less than a mile away. She said to meet at 1:30 sharp and to wait for her if she was late. I agreed and put the details in an email to myself as a reminder.

So today I drove down to Beverly, thirty miles and 45 minutes through traffic and detours. She does not have a cell phone. I got there at 1:15 and waited, until 2pm, the time of her appointment. I was looking for the blue rental car she said she had at the time. She never showed up. Pretty pissed off, I left. I called her twenty minutes ago. She said "Didn't you get my email?" I said "No", thinking she had sent a new one his morning, which I would have gotten even on my phone because I can check it on the go. She said "No, I sent it last night about meeting today". I told her that I drove all the way down and she interrupted me with "I told you there were other interested parties" Before I could say, well we had a whole conversation with times and meeting places set in stone and to make sure I was not late she said, "What's done it done, good day". I yelled "BITCH" into the phone before she hung up, or at least I hope so.

Listen: I know she's older and gave me a time and set all the rules I had to follow, but seriously, Andira or whatever your name is, you wasted two hours of my time, my gas and most of my tough as nails patience and faith in people to do right, so you can take your excuses and GO F*** YOURSELF!

Was I wrong or was she? Please let me know.

Parade of the Senses:Taste

(I might go a couple different directions all at once here, try to keep up ;)

As far as taste goes there are certain aspects of it that are linked to smell and all the other senses. It is possible to taste the air, say nearing the ocean. That salty flavor just hits you can recall all the times you've spent on the coast. Taste could be a feeling someone left you with, such as a bad taste in your mouth. Taste is probably the oddest of all the senses because you can't categorize it fully. It can have a whole bunch of different literal and figurative meanings.

I mean yes I love my food more than the next man but there are certain things I like or dislike, food and otherwise, that could be called 'tastes'. The word is like the salt and pepper, no pun intended, of the senses being that it can be used on a number of different things with good results. I appear to have lost my self at the moment. Anyway, taste is something that is subjective in a lot of different ways. Its the sense equivalent of "you either like something or you don't".

Busy as a Beaver

Lately I have been driving around Massachusetts buying silver and gold off of people. Dad gave me a bankroll to do it with and it has already increased three-fold. It can be strenuous at times but its what I love to do, and trust me it beats a regular job. After all I am going to be doing this anyways when I work in the jewelry trade so I might as well get accustomed to it now. I've met some characters recently. It all goes to show you that you never know what is going to happen next or where you will be.

The first collection I bought really set me on the right track. I paid the guy a hundred, the asking price, and saw enough gold while going through part of it to get my money back. When I got home I looked at everything, which took two hours, and by the end of it all I had $1,300 in gold and an 80 point diamonds worth $800-1000. Needless to say they don't all go like this but I was happy that one did.

Only a few more months until I go down to Nashville for jewelry school so I'm making the most of it, in more ways than one.

Parade of the Senses:Touch

I have often seen a picture of myself as a baby, a couple of them actually, that show someone picking me up and me doing a sort of back bend. This was known as 'The Arch" to my parents and their friends. I think that a certain portion of me being picked up like that as a kid still remains. Often you pick a baby up by their armpits. I HATE when someone touches me there, so much so that I have a 'knee jerk' reaction that involves me shooting my elbow back in an attempt to stop someone from touching me. This reaction does not care who you are, I'll elbow the sh*t out of you. I used to chase my sister around the house when she did this to me. I think the reaction comes from a helpless feeling of not being in control, like someone can just pick you up from behind and do what they please. Other than that I have no real problem with touch, at least I don't think I do.

Everyone has their own personal 'bubble' space and, what with assault laws these days, people tend to keep touch to a minimum. As for personal tastes I, like everyone else, have my preferences. I don't like cashmere at all because all of those little fibers can get on my hands and if I were to touch or itch my eyes I would possibly get one of the fibers in there and it would screw with my contact lenses. Speaking of which, it took me around thirty minutes to put them in the first time but no it’s easy, and I can freely touch my eye if I need to without flinching. I tend to like the feel of sort things, which shouldn't be much of a shock. Dogs and cats are at the top of the list. Just like anything else, though, make sure they don't mind being touched.

I don't like things that are cold and wet as they remind me of damp fall whether where your limbs feel like they might shatter if you tapped them on the table. Anyone else who lives in the Northeast knows this feeling. Cold and wet are okay on there own but together the two are evil twins. Come to think of it I don’t think anyone likes this feeling. One water feeling I actually crave is rain. I love rain drops hitting me in the head to the point that I walk slowly through the rain with my head uncovered. I have no idea where or when I started to like this feeling but it has remained constant over the years. I don't see why people run around to avoid it all the time, its just water. (Well, people work really hard on their hair or their clothes are too nice to get wet I suppose).

The subject of touch was a hard one for me. Unlike the other senses its all about personal preference more than anything else. I'll probably need to go back and revamp this entry, but for now, that'll do.

Questions or comments? Let me know (although you folks never do ;)

Power Outtage Here in Northeast

Just got internet back yesterday. I should be updating either today or tomorrow. Until then...

Parade of the Senses:Smell

As a youngster I went with my mom to many places. One type of place I always dreaded, and still do, is the Yankee Candle Shop. What is a sensual delight for many people who shop here is a nightmare for me. All of the fake smelling (I'll admit now that I love the Christmas cookie scent) candles and whatnot messed with my brain and made me feel physically sick. My head would begin to feel like I was coming down with a cold and pain would start deep in my forehead. I still can't stay in one of those stores for more than ten minutes. It's a combination of the smells and the strength of each one. Honestly, I'd rather headbutt a cactus than go there.

Any mint or cinnamon type of flavor from candy either makes my head hurt or produces and instant gag reflex, licorice is also horrible, another reason to hate jagermeister. As a kid those round peppermint candies or the Andes dinner mints were always a problem for me to even see people eat, lets not even discuss red hot candy hearts. I have gotten used to some of these smells over the years and it has lessened their effects on me. Perfume, stronger the worse it is, is something that I have had to get used to as well. Anything to strong, though, is an instant deal breaker. My own deodorant is just fine because I wear it daily and to be honest I don't think I ever had a problem with it.

Many people with AS suffers from sensory issues. The following came from an online article:

Children with Asperger’s Syndrome suffer from sensory sensitivity or are “sensory defensive”. This sensitivity can encompass any or all of the senses: sound, touch, taste, sight, and smell. These sensitivities are real, and cause the sufferer much discomfort, some describing it as ‘painful’. Sensory overload can trigger a meltdown, often being the ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’. Some sensitivity’s will diminish with exposure and the passage of time. Others will remain as severe for life.

I agree entirely with what is said here and I came to most of this conclusion on my own as I aged. The thing about scent is, its everywhere and there is nothing I can do about it. The only thing I can do is accept it. However, I don't mind waking up to the smell of bacon frying or fresh baked cinnamon rolls

Questions or Comments? Let me know.

Parade of the Senses:Hearing

Often in conversation, but only with people that know how I am, I look the other way, continue what I am doing or even watch TV. I do this for a couple reasons, the first being I not big on eye contact and the second, because I can. Go on test me, I can give you perfect feedback or advice on that story you just told me as watch something else happening. You can't rewind real life and I feel that the TV has made us think this is untrue. Real time events have to be captured by your brain as they happen and if you are unable to multi-task with seeing and hearing, you will surely miss out. Seeing may be believing but I also trust my auditory senses to make sure what I see as being accurate. The great thing about hearing or listening is that you can have your eyes closed. In this way you can better hear the lies your sight tries to tell you.

Ever since I was little my hearing has been second to none. Just as I do with my eyes I notice things others cannot. Some of what I hear though, is not my choice. I have always been able to hear static-like sounds or a strange buzz-hum noise. When trying to sleep my heartbeat in my ear keeps me awake. I sometimes hear a tone that gets louder before fading away, like it was never there. This may be Tinnitus (as the last part in the definition states "or even a pure steady tone like that heard during a hearing test ") but I'm not entirely sure because it has always been an issue for me. I have not had any ear trauma that I can recall and I'm too young to be going deaf. Besides there is the fact that I can hear better than most of the population to begin with. So why do I hear things others may overlook? It may be that I have trained myself to do so.

When I first began metal detecting I had to distinguish between a good sound and a bad one. I had to interpret what my machine was telling me, even very limited amounts of information. Many of the signals I am after aren't right on top of the ground, they are deep, and the corresponding noise that happens when I walk over them almost non existent. Even the new machine I have doesn't show anything on the screen (gotta love a target ID system) but a slight, and I do mean slight, change in the threshold or back tone of the machine. When I notice this slight interruption I instantly recognize that I must re scan the area I had just passed over, sort of like taking a step back to think about things before moving forward. Also, let it be know that coins are not always perfectly face up or down in the ground, they may have gone down at any number of angles, making the signal sound askew. When I hear that slight interruption I have to go over at a few different angles to determine whether or not it is worth digging up. I have learned to listen well because digging 10 inch holes, besides taking a while, can also be messy. What raw hearing ability I used to have has most certainly been honed over the last 13 years out in the field or on the beach. My finds over that period also show this to be true.

One of the things I like to do most with my hearing is listen to music. Heck, I'm listening to some as I type this. Even in songs I like to listen past the typical sounds you can hear and tune into the background noises of the music. The song I have on at the moment, Bitter Sweet Symphony by The Verve has sort of an older cell phone ring somewhere in the back of it that presents itself at various times. But, much like what could be happening with Tinnitus, I may only think I'm hearing this noise. That or I'm going insane and have been since day one.

One link that music has with AS is that it can have a calming effect on people like me. I have seen a lot of autistic people wear headphones, and although this may be protection from the louder sounds of the outside world, they often have music playing. Going back to detecting for a moment, the headphones I wear cancel outside noise so I only hear what I want to. In fact I participated in a study in college that had me listen to some random music and then a CD of my own choosing. I was hooked up to a heart monitor at this time and the test was only for people on the autism spectrum. I think they were trying to link up how music affect people with AS and just how it did so.

Music for me is mostly classic rock. I like it because it has identifiable instruments, not something made by a computer. My favorite songs are the ones that have a lot going on, especially guitar. A lot of Zeppelin songs, Pink Floyd, CCR, 24 or 6 to 4 by Chicago and too many songs to list by my favorite artist, who shall remain nameless as this time, have me almost under a spell as I have an eargasm or two. (I know that is not a real world, but it should be.) I can simply sit there and tap my fingers or track each note in my mind as anything I've been thinking about instantly slips away. That is one of the reasons music is so good for people of the autism spectrum; forgetting your fears or any anxiety you are feeling, even briefly, can be huge. All you have to do to prolong it is to play another song.

Whether it be use in everyday life or simply enjoying a song or two hearing is one of the most important components in my everyday life. Without it I would truly be lost.

Questions or comments? Please let me know.

Parade of the Senses:Sight

They say that blind people have all of their other senses heightened. AS has had a similar effect on me and how I perceive the world around me. Let's start off with sight.

The first thing I do when I enter a room is to look around. This is a habit I picked up in high school I guess. Like a hunter-gatherer I look around for friends or anyone I know before taking a seat somewhere. I survey the situation and then make my choice based on how comfortable I feel that day. If I need to be alone then that is how I remain. I'll look up and give a nod or a wave before sitting down just so friends know I have at least seen them. People who know me accept that I do this. Each new person who enters the room is gone over with the eyes at once and I ALWAYS sit in a position that allows me to see most everyone else. This whole thing may seem like a primal instinct; I assure you that it is.

My vision has always been based off of movement, but not like a T-Rex, more like an eagles. I see and notice most everything. You could call it my job. Basically the above situation where I look at everything in a room and get comfortable with my surroundings first is where I trained myself to notice things in greater detail. I'll know if you have gotten a haircut or even simply pulled your hair back that day. Some sort of trigger in my brain can tell this difference in an instant. Its so precise that I don't mind telling you so, and it takes me a lot to put my thoughts out there unless invited. Women love this type of compliment, naturally. Places have a similar way of existing in my mind that is, if something were to change, I would know quickly. It's just a feeling I get and this helps me to recognize the fact that something has been altered and then I can accept it so I can remain at ease. When I don't know what is going on then I get edgy.

People can confuse knowing that things have changed with a photographic memory. I have told people where things used to be but that is only because they are not their anymore or across the room. I can't describe in detail what the item looks like without seeing it in front of me, but once I see it I can recall its every curve for the most part. Make sense?

When you look closely at everything you also have a way of seeing what others miss. I love to try and find things and am able to think outside the boundary of typical imagination in order to solve a problem. It's fun and challenging at the same time and also makes me able to think faster than most people. I can see something and recognize it quickly and then figure stuff out quicker than normal. I use 'normal' because I haven't been tested for what makes this happen, just that it is done at a noticeably better rate than anyone around me. If it sounds like I'm bragging, its because I am and anyway its one of the few things I'm proud about.

My vision allows me to do a lot of things such as noticing and being able to put things and facts together faster than most people. By noticing I can preserve myself and the situation around me so that I feel comfortable in strange places. It is part of my defense mechanism but only a small part in the grand scheme of things; the rest of the senses have a say in that.

Upcoming Posts on the 5 Senses

Shortly I will be posting a few separate posts on each of my five senses and how they work a little differently than yours may. I will also detail how these are possible affected by AS or heightened because of it. People say that if you loose your vision then all of the other senses become heightened. I have my vision but I feel that every sense I have is above normal. Hopefully by the end of the posts you will see why.

Red Sox Collapse

Last night was one of the most dumb-ass evenings in the history of Boston sports. The Red Sox lost not only their own game, but a shot at a wildcard birth. The Yankees and Rays played contraceptives in that effort. I watched the whole thing go down and I'm still stunned. In a way it was the polar opposite of 2004.

The blame game on this one could rage on for months but I don't think firing Francona will solve it. Under him the Red Sox have had the second highest winning percentage, most playoff games won and most world series titles; all of which are across MLB. It was simply put, a team wide choke. That's all I have to say about that.

My Cat Crosby

Since I was young I've had either a dog, a cat or both. When I was around 15 we were living on Salem street and both of our cats had died. I'm not sure but it may have been a fisher cat (our neighbor down the street came out to his cat being slashed up by one a year before). However Ginger and Gilligan went I do not know for sure but I was left without a cat. A couple of months went by before my mom decided to do something about it.

I came home from school one day and my mom asked me to get the mail. As I walked up to the box I heard a pawing and whining noise that was the all to familiar sound of a kitten. Quickly opening the box I found a kitten. The little ball of fur was brown black and gray with a tiger pattern. I was smitten at once with the little guy. I was listening to a lot of CSNY at that time and decided after a couple days to name him Crosby.

As far a what type of cat he is, he was adopted from a shelter, so we can't say for sure although he has the markings, size and features of a Maine Coon. He likes to be outside a lot.

For a while there I kept him in my room, as is standard with most kittens, before letting him explore the house. Each day I came home from school I would run upstairs and play with him. Soon he began to go outside and explore the wild expanse of our yard and surrounding woods. When we moved about a year later there was no problem with him adjusting to a new area. There were still woods for him to play in and other animals to try and eat.

He was always good at killing things. He would drop mice off near the side door or leave a present to be found somewhere, but always outside. One time I went to turn the gas on in my workshop and I found a large headless squirrel behind the tank. Another time, more recently it was an absolute down pour as I arrived home. I saw him out by the side door and he was crouched over something. Normally I would never see him outside in the rain unless he was under a car or the little stone seat he uses for shelter on occasion. This time Crosby was eating a mouse full tilt like there was no tomorrow. I had never seen him do that, what with the rain in all. On the other hand he has been at times hunted.

Crosby cam back on day and it was evident by the blood soak that something either had him or tried to slash his throat. I couldn't see the actual wound but it healed fine all the same. He still has a little bump where it was. Although not from an animal Crosby did have some sort of infection on his ear that made it fill with blood and bob like a balloon whenever he moved it. The vet said that we could do surgery or just sort of cut it and then stick it up. We chose the latter and after it had healed his ear was shrunken to about a third of its original size. This probably happened nine years ago. Other than the ear, Crosby looks fine.

As far as cleanliness Crosby takes great pride in his appearance. He cleans his coat for hours on the couch or outside. Anytime he gets wet I dry him off with a towel and he loves that, or a nice brushing once in a while. He has a thick coat and can sometimes have a problem with hairballs.

As far as cats go they come trained, almost. They use a little box at a young age and there isn't much mess with them as a puppy would be. There are, however, ways that they can train you. Crosby figured out a long time ago that if he is to scratch at the screen he will be let in. He has ruined a lot of screens over the years., much to moms chagrin. He generally goes in or out ten times a day. He can be indecisive on whether he wants to be in or out and it can get annoying. Often he will come in, eat for two minutes and then ask to go out again. During the summer months he will stay out for a very long time, sometimes not coming back all day. I thought I lost him a couple times during the summer only to have him come waltzing back as if he didn't care. Whenever the dogs go out he will, too, and sort of mill around while they do their business. He will then come in again with them because he knows that treats are given out at that time. He'll jump up onto the counter and sit pertly waiting for me to give him a treat. Sometimes I give him cat nip, but he can be a mean drunk in terms of swatting at the dogs or anyone who's within range.

On evenings he is left inside, Crosby will, the following morning, walk upstairs and then scratch my door until I attend to him. Sometimes I give him a drink from the bathroom sink, which he is adept at using. He is surely one alarm clock that has no snooze button and he often waked me up at 5am.

For a cat over 10 years old ( I think he's around 11) he does well. He may have slowed down a little but he still has plenty of pep in his step. He naps more nowadays but he still kills on a regular basis. He is the oldest cat I've had and no other could replace him. I'll probably shed a couple tears when he does pass on but hopefully that won't be for a while.

That's all I have for now, I'll add some more on him soon in case I forget anything.

Looking back at 9/11

As you all know the 10th anniversary or 9/11 was Sunday. I chose to write this post on a Tuesday, even though its not the proper date it is the day of the week that it happened.

The whole thing was unexpected and was something no one could prepare for. I was sitting in Ms. Smiths' English class and things were typical of any day at school. Kids were doing their work or listening to the teacher talk and some went out to the bathroom. There was only one hall pass to do so and we'd eagerly await our own turn to roam the halls for a while, I mean go to the bathroom. It was either Phil Perkins or Chris Vining who came back in from the hall and he said something to the effect of "All the other classes have their TV on". This struck all of us as odd. We switched ours on and we saw a building in flames. I'm not sure if we knew what was happening at the moment, it was all a blur. We may have seen the second plane hit, but its all hazy so I'll have to ask someone else in class. Either way, everyone was silent. We didn't know what to think as all the reports were coming in about other hijacked planes. I think that everything after that was a blur, even to me. Each class from that time on all students did was watch the TV. There could have been a school announcement made, I don't know. The next day we did the same thing and jut watched TV in most classes and had discussion about what went on.

This whole set of events was our generations JFK. It didn't seem possible that it could happen. We had seen war footage and bombings on TV in other countries but when it hit home it made me go numb. I was awestruck that it had taken place. This Sunday I was watching footage of the planes hitting the towers and it took me right back to that day. I asked myself countless times 'did that really happen" then and now, expecting the outcome to change somehow. It did happen but part of me is almost afraid to let it register. I don't get sad about it, I just pissed that something so bad could happen on US soil.

That is all I have for now. If anything comes up about this topic I'll let you know.

Why I'm Awkward (Or at least think I am)

There is never one reason why. If I have learned one thing in life then it would be that everything is affected by everything else and nothing is an isolated incident. There is, of course, more than one reason that I am awkward.

I always tend to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, well, embarrassing to myself or someone else that is. It's like I don't even think it through before, all of a sudden, boom! it's out there. My brain has a mind of its out and it likes to prove that fact to me and anyone else in earshot. I always worry that there may be more than one of us in there. Trust me when I say that it feels great. I am better now at keeping that idiot under wraps.

I feel like I get looks from people everywhere I go. I feel like they're out to get me for some reason. Cops? Let's not even go there. I just feel like everyone knows all about me without even talking to me first, like there is just a clear spot in front of my brain that they can read everything that is going on as if it were a digital marquee at a theater. Anything they think they know is probably false, unless I've told them prior. I think its my lack of eye contact that enables them to be judgmental sort of the mindset of 'If you've met one then you've met them all'. This goes without saying that less know about me than those that truly do and the people that do know understand, as well as they can anyway.

I don't like how I can never seem to quite know what others are talking about without having to think it over first and by that time I have missed the point. This doesn't happen as often as it used to but every now and again I find myself lost in conversation.

It should be noted that the only true sports I find myself able to do are baseball and golf. The first one I excelled in, I even played in college. It was pitching, not hitting. As for golf, I can still hit it 275 yards after not being on a course for years. As for dancing, well, have you ever seen a cow being poked by a cattle prod? Just know that its a very unnatural motion. I run OK, until I get tired and begin to look like Carlton Banks dancing.

I could be described as awkward if you get to know me long enough. To most people though, I'm just a figment of their imagination, something they thought they saw until I somehow vanished, never to be seen again. Some wonder where I could had come from while others wonder where I could have gone.

My friends know me well enough that I'm not going to change and even if I could, they like me the way I am. I keep things loose and light and allow them to laugh, even for a short time, before getting back to their own problems. It goes both ways, as I can see their problems as something to both laugh at and learn from. We help one another through, that is just what friends do.

I have realized that I'm only awkward because I think I am so. In a way everyone is to everyone else, sort of like what I said by everything being interconnected in some odd way that you probably never thought of before. When the mind has time enough to think things over it can come to some interesting conclusions; and I reckon that's where the notion of me being awkward came from. Whether it was your brain, mine, or a combination of the two that came up with that answer remains to be discovered.

Questions or Comments? Let me know.

Jewelry School and How it Relates to AS

The whole week down in Virginia Beach was one of the best experiences for me as I've ever had. I learned a lot about myself and what I was capable of. I wasn't nervous about travelling alone for the first time, even paid for the plane ticket, but the journey to a place I had no idea of was sort of like back in college, just farther away. Instead of being a fifteen minute car ride away I was a plane trip. I just took the scale of it out of the equation. The layovers at the airport were boring because I had no one to talk to and had to take my two bags everywhere I went.

The hand work itself was sort of like learning anything else; in the beginning you're sort of crappy at it but through practice and repetition you can become a master. I like to approach it as I would when I think about how I learned to play video games when I was younger. I used to be poor at them and would try so hard. I then came back to the same games when I was older and was able to master them. The hand control is something that can be learned, in time. I have no doubt that my techniques will advance to above average quicker than most but the initial awkwardness I encountered will linger for a little while as I test things out. Messing up is expected and tolerable to a point; provided the ring you're working on isn't too expensive.

I am excited to think what I will be able to make when my confidence with the tools, those I had no previous experience with, (such as the flex shaft and assorted burs) reaches new levels. Learning to me, especially various hand skills, has always been something I enjoyed but initially struggled with. There is a sort of struggle that AS provides in terms of learning new things that is unmatched by anything else I've seen people have to deal with. I almost have to trick myself into knowing I can, while wiping away the fear that thinks I cannot, and sometimes there is a lot of doubt and anxiety that can build up. Once I do, then I'm fine.

I am a little nervous about making the trellis ring, though. You start of with a one foot wire and then shape three baskets for the stones and a whole shank assembly, by hand. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that the wire is a solid piece of platinum! (The picture above is what it looks like)

I am sure that my time in Nashville, come the end of January, will be one of the best times of my life. I am nervous about it even now. I think to myself, often, "Can I really do this'? I then take a step back, laugh, and realize that I learned so much in five days, imagine what I can do under Blaine's instruction with sixty. That thought alone keeps me on track and striving towards my goal of becoming a goldsmith. Is this trade for everyone? Certainly not. Is it for me? You know the answer to that one ;)

Questions of Comments about my time at jewelry school? Let me know.

Jewelry School Part 5, The Last Day

The final day of the course was all about re-tipping and re-pronging stone settings. Re-tipping was actually easy, or it seemed so because I did it correctly the first time. All you have to do it heat a small ball of solder and place it on the prong to be re-tipped without having the ball 'migrate' down the prong. It was all about torch control. To round out the top of the prong we used a cup bur. This bur is unforgiving when it comes to cutting yourself as it is takes a 'core sample' rather than cutting you open. Blaine said he did this once and it took a long time to heal, very painful. We were all thrilled to be using it.

Blaine then lightened the mood by saying "Make sure you choose a size that flows loosely around the top of the prong, and make sure it isn't too small. If you use say, this one, (here he held up a very small bur) then it won’t be able to go fully around. We call this one 'The Yarmulke'". At that comment we couldn't help but laugh.

The ruby that was in the setting held up well to the heat of the torch, 3,700F, and turned a dark color when heated, then it turned back to its regular hue. I had the worst feeling that the stone was going to explode and hit me in the face.

The next task that day was to re-prong, two different ways. The first was to cut back the prong so that it could be filed at an angle to accept a new top. The part being put on had to also be filed accurately so it would fit onto the top at a 90 degree angle. It may sound confusing and it did, until I saw it done. The filing was important, as was holding the wire up after putting a ball of solder on the end of it. It was more of a free hand joint that we had to make, but we had had practice with this technique when doing the three stone ring, so it was easier this time around. Mine turned out a little sideways, but Blaine, (he had a trick for everything) showed us how to fix it using capillary action. If you heat the prong and the solder pick behind it carefully you can then push the piece back to position. This was a small miracle.

The second re-prong was to be done by cutting the prong halfway down and making a whole new piece from sheet stock. Using the old sheet we had used the first day we all cut out a piece around the size we would need. Next we were to use a four square file to make the girdle of the stone fit into it. This took a while but was of utmost importance. Eventually the piece was put into place and soldered together.

After lunch Blaine took is into the polishing room where we would learn some aspects of finishing our pieces. He had this polish that was mainly used on platinum that he used on most things now. It made everything look amazing and he had shown it to Tiffany's when he was helping to set up one of their factories. On a side not: Everything that Tiffany's needs worked on valued at over $100,000 they send to him. This was hands down the best polish I had ever used and I will surely bee buying some. Everyone who was not in the room, he took us in in small groups, was free to work on whatever they wanted.

Some people had to drive a long way home so a couple left early. We said our goodbyes to one another it was assured that a couple people were most likely coming back for the twelve week course. It was good to find this out as I would know some people from the get go. This is going to be at the end of January so I have some time to practice all the things I learned. One of the greatest things about the course is that the school is likely moving to Nashville, Tennessee! I've heard this is close to southern paradise as it gets. I can't wait to go back but I'm nervous all the same. What a journey it THAT be.

Jewelry School Part 4

The next mornings after breakfast the lot of us packed into cars and were off to class. Once there, some people set out to finish the three stone ring from the day before while others used the variety of flex shaft accessories to refine their work. This took up a decent amount of the morning. My ring had a lot of copper oxides coming through because I had heated it for too long. I was lucky, at one junction, not to undo my other solder joints or melt it entirely. Lucky we were using hard gold solder. I was just getting to clean my piece in the acid bath when Blaine had us come up front for another demo.

The typical chair race ensued and we each took our respective spots that we had since Monday. Today's lesson would be how to set stones. I had never done this before and using the flex shaft with certain burs to cut the prongs out was new to me. Blaine, of course, made it look easy. He gave us some heads to practice on and I was surprised when I cut my first seat to find that it looked OK. The second or third was not nearly as nice, beginners luck I guess. The trick was to angle the bur so that the stone would sit evenly at each of the four cut marks. Easier said than done, I'm afraid.

After a little practice I began to get the hang of it and now it was time to set the synthetic rubies that were handed out. The seats I cut this time were less than perfect but sufficed. I put my stone in and it fit, although it rattled around in the setting a bit. This was remedied by the technique we were shown. After a little manipulation of the prongs my stone never moved again. It was just about level too, I think I cut one of the seats out a little much; for a first effort it was good enough. To end the day Blaine had us do a couple of ring sizings, both up and down, to make sure we hadn't lost anything. In fact we all got better at this task. The class had apparently done its job.

The day ended as each one began; everyone packed into the car they had come with and we drove back to the hotel. It was a low key night and we met in the lobby bar, right in the lobby, to see if anything was going on. People were tired and after a couple drinks people didn't feel like going out that night. I was tired as well and decided it would be best just to have some dinner and relax for the night.

Jewelry School Part 3

As everyone groggily strolled in the next morning we took to our benches. I looked at my chain repairs from the next day to see if I had applied what I had learned correctly. Everything was fine. Blaine called us over and told us that we were doing so well as a group we were going to begin the three stone ring.

To me this seemed like a daunting task but when laid out its not too difficult. Blaine showed us, in great detail, how to cut a hole through each on the three parts of the top gallery of the ring. Each had four prongs and one was bigger than the other two. He drilled through and flattened each one. Next, using a special clay and some other techniques he made the bottoms of the settings match up. Doing this without the clay, is probably the most frustrating thing ever, or so I have heard. After the settings were attached we soldered them together. Mine came out better than I thought it would but there was more to be done.

The next step was making the ring shank. We cut a simple shank into a different shape and put a throat so that the bottom and top galleries would touch the corresponding parts of the ring. This may sound confusing but I'm sure you've seen what it's supposed to look like. I had a little trouble cutting it straight at first. Once I figured out the proper technique I measured and cut where the throat would be on each side. This was going fine until I broke the piece that would touch the bottom gallery off. This got me a little mad and I had to make it all over again.

Meanwhile, Blaine brought us up for another demo of how to solder the top gallery to the shank. This was a lot easier than anyone thought it could be, as long as you followed the tips and tricks that he showed and had good torch control, which at that point we all did. For some people this took longer to accomplish than others. I did it slowly for fear of messing up again. In the end it looked OK and I was proud of it. I didn't think I had it in me.

That night I relaxed with a quiet dinner and a few of us had some drinks by the pool. It was low key that night and we all drifted off on our own time up to our respective rooms.

Jewelry School Part 2

That first night the class ended at 5:30 and everyone involved was tired due to learning so much. I was especially tired due to all the human interaction that took place. I took a little break in my room and shower before dinner which a few of us went out for. We each had a couple drinks and discussed what had happened that day. Everyone sort of had their own opinion as to Blaine's teaching style but there was a consensus that his tips and tricks were useful. I liked the way they talked, as it let me know I had made the right choice.

The next day we picked up right where we left off. A term that would be continually used was capillary action, like how trees suck up water, just differently as to how solder flowed to joint to pieces. When Blaine showed us how this applied to jewelry we all stopped and shook our heads, not because we didn't think of it, but because it was all so simple. The answers to everything were in plain sight, just a new approach to thinking was needed; and I'm sure that is why the school was named as such. After lunch we learned how to repair a variety of chains that included rope, S link and herringbone. I'd never tried to do this on my own and didn't ever take the time to look at a chain closely, for one reason or another. Blaine asked around the room and sought input from a girl from Toronto, who we called Canada. She told the class her way of doing it and Blaine said that he had a way that would blow everyone's mind. It did. What would have taken Canada an hour took Blaine five minutes. You could tell Canada was impressed by the faces she kept making and her mannerisms; even I was able to distinguish these, it was that obvious. We ran out of time the second day before we could practice on our own.

Dinner again that night was something we went out for. After all we were on a sort of vacation from reality and decided to make the most of it. We loaded up and drove to the shore.

Tonight it would be a pizza/dive bar. There was a nice breeze coming off the ocean and we thought it best to sit outside. Everyone ordered beer, just the thing to take the edge off after a long day. We kept conversation to a minimum about class that day. The meal was a hearty one and there was more than enough to go around. There were sixty wings, three cheesy breads and two pizzas to go around. Between eight people that is a decent amount of food especially when half of them are girls. Even though I myself was tired I had a long time and participated in some of the conversation. After wards the whole gang agreed to walk the boardwalk.

We must have walked that thing for a good hour and a half before we realized we forgot which direction the car was parked. It may have been because we were both food and traditional drunk. Everyone had fun watching the street performers and people watching. I felt something tap me on the shoulder and was surprised that no one was there. Instead a bird had left its mark on me, although it didn't feel like good luck a the time. After all the fun had ended we piled back into the cars and drove home. I think I went to bed at midnight. Needless to say a few people were a little late the next morning.

Jewelry School Part 1

This past week, August 1-5, I took a trip down the New Approach School in Virginia Beach to take a five day course entitled Bench jeweler Comprehensive. This course serves as a way to learn basic bench skills, jewelry repair, troubleshooting, and time saving techniques. I had practiced the craft of jewelry making on my own the last few years but even this was something I needed to do. I narrowed my search down after I had heard good things about the school and wanted to pursue a career in design and repair. Going down for the class turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done.

I flew down to Virginia Beach on the 31st and checked into my hotel. I was eating in the lobby when I saw a group of people who didn't look like they were here for a conference and it didn't seem like they were family either. They looked like they could have been jewelers here for the course so I tried to gauge their conversation. It turns out they were not, but the guy sitting a few booths away from me was and I sat down with him and talked for a little. Jordan ended up being my ride the next morning which was what I needed more than anything else at that time anyways.

Arriving at the school at 8am, which was a suite in a large building, I walked inside with some of the others who were also there to sharpen their bench skills. We were each instructed to find a bench and I took one next to Jordan because we were familiar with one another already. Our instructor, Blaine Lewis, explained the class a little and we began with a sawing exercise. I had done OK at sawing but up to that point I had done all right at everything I tried anyways. Blaine showed us a new way of holding the saw frame and how to make what we were doing more effective. This worked better than my technique, to say the least. We then tried something I had not even considered and failed usually failed at; turning the saw blade mid stroke to cut at either an angle or a curved line. I was wondering how this was possible to do without breaking the blade but was happy to find I could do it. This was not the first time I was to be surprised that week.

Next came filing the piece so that it was even. Everyone needed a little work so a demo on how to do it was shown. Blaine is truly a master and watching him 'take care of business' so to speak was astounding to watch. He manipulated the file so that the piece, which looked like a cutout of the Sphinx, cleaned up quickly. The class followed and things began to take shape.

After lunch we learned about how the torches worked. It was fairly easy to do because I had used on before, just not one that had oxygen. It was also smaller than my torch I usually used but I couldn't melt a lot metal with it. This was far easier than even I had hoped. What you did was to light the flame, propane, then open the oxygen valve to refine and add heat to the flame. Flame size and control are key when repairing jewelry. Although flame is 3,700F you have to be careful as to its size and how you move it to achieve the desired effect.

After getting the flame to the right size we took the ring we had already taken a piece out of, thanks to our saw blades, and soldered it shut. This was relatively easy and a beginner could do it just by following the tips presents. Sizing a ring up was where a little more technique came into play. We measured a piece out from another ring shank and cut it to size. Then we put the piece into the ring we were sizing up so that it was even. This may sound dull as heck but there were a few tricks, that I will not tell here, that made this easy to do. Sometimes people had trouble soldering their ring without the insert falling out; Blaine had a trick for that. Any problem you could possibly encounter that man had a solution for. Time flew by and with breaks, lunch and trying out new things the first eight hour day flew by. There was plenty more knowledge to come though.

Still Single After All These Years

I've had opportunities over the years to change my social situation concerning women. For one reason or another I chose not to. It was a combination of fear, anxiety, self doubt and the desire to remain the person I am that has kept me from doing so.

A note on how I look physically. I'm a good looking man, I think, people tell me and some of the looks I get convey this, but I don't really see this in myself. It is a confidence issue for me and women are attracted to confidence, or so I hear. They say that everyone has sex in college, especially if you are on the baseball team. I must have missed that memo

The fear and anxiety are one in the same, really, but only at the initial phase. I can't just go up and talk to a woman. Putting my neck out that far is uncomfortable for me as it is for many men I'm sure. Unlike most, though, I get the feeling of the primitive 'fight or flight response' in this situation. I always seem to run. I feel that my life is in danger at this time. I wrote about a time when this girl clearly wanted me in one of the chapters of my book. After analyzing it, it's not a long incident at all; I came to this conclusion fairly quickly. The funny thing is that when I look back, both right after it happened and now I feel like I should have just gotten it over with. Even now I feel remorse for not acting if I find myself in even a hint of the situation. I don't have a time machine.

That first situation should have been a layup. I was in high school and was the ace of the varsity pitching staff. People knew who I was (well not really). I found the girl attractive; too, it wasn't like I would have denied any of those advances if given the chance to exploit them. I simply thought too much, like I always do, about the impending situation and had to run off before I let it happen. It's sad really. I've had other chances but nothing THAT obvious to date.

Self doubt goes both toward me and towards the one I'd like to pursue. I don't feel I could either live up to her expectations or if she could be able to deal with all the stuff going on in my head. Would she run when I finally was able to explain it to her? Would I even be able to tell her or hope she figures it out? Then again I don't know if I try first.

There also remains the fact that I have seen many friends in relationships over the years. I watch everything that they have gone through, good and bad, and it seems to be a roller coaster of emotions. I see all the headaches and I don't want to get involved in that sort of crap. I tend to stay even keel, at least outwardly, and I don't know how someone else could understand that. I can keep a straight face when someone cries in front of me, even if I have caused the pain. It's not bragging, its a fact. How are they going to react to that? Part of me wants to stay alone for fear of all my routines getting messed up. I like all the freedoms I have and I don't have enough money to slightly entertain or be part of everyday occasions such as going out to dinner on a regular basis. That is not the type of thing I spend my money on. I'd have to get a job to support that, which would add even more stress. I will become a goldsmith in the coming months, after I get back from the school I'm going to for it, but until then the song will remain the same. The whole last paragraph was something that came up in an AS group I was a part of in college, so in those thoughts I am not alone.

Relationships have their ups and downs but I don't feel ready for one yet. I'll continue not looking for one and just seeing what happens. From what I've learned not looking for something is the best way to find it.

Questions or comments? Let me know.

Foodie Contest

I'll keep this post short.

Whenever I eat some sort of snack food whether it be chips or anything in bulk I try to make it interesting for myself, sort of. Usually it happens with chips or cheezits, something that us supposed to have a uniform shape. I take one out and then each on thereafter is compared to it. Each one the has either an imperfection or is merely a piece is eaten first. I set aside around 5-10, depending on the snack food of choice, for a final round of judging. I scrutinize each one closely. For cheezits its the amount of brown color they have, any small holes present or imperfect corners. A flaw in any one of those categories results in them being eaten. In the end, though, there can be only one winner. After the winner is decided I examine it for a few seconds, in all its glory, and then it too is eaten just as those before it. Before you ask let it be known that I don't judge people like this, as its pretty hard to stare at them for the amount of required time without them noticing.

Is this whole thing pointless? Probably, but it keeps even the most mundane times interesting for me. That and it may slow me down as I tend to inhale food when I eat.

I often wonder to myself what my own personal cheezit hall of fame would look like. I guess I'd have to start taking pictures or something, but who has time for that?

Odd Dreams When I Sleep

We all have dreams when we go to bed but for the most part do we really remember them? They would certainly have to stand out in order for us not to forget them. My dreams feel like they are a little out of the ordinary and I seem to recall a decent amount of them, both past and present. So let me sit on the long leather couch and reminisce.

I'd have to say that I have at least one dream a week in which I either can jump really well or fly. As you can imagine these are my favorite. The jumping involves me pulling off a Mario like set of leaps where on the third or second one sends me airborne. The first time I had this type of dream was at a very young age where an insurance or real estate salesman chased me through a series of blended and cartoon like landscapes. He would try to grab me and hang on as I tried to fly away and we would eventually end up back where we started and the dream would end. I know what you're probably thinking but hold on, its gets better.

Sometimes I have the flying dream in places that I know, such as my old high school, but different in a way. There is always some sort of modified thing or something askew about the scenery, something that my imagination must have added. People in the dream aren't really impressed in my ability to fly either. Sometimes I'm drifting around the halls of my school just above the heads of everyone else as I have a conversation. Instead of walking down the stairs I fly down and around the stairwell. Other than that, the school is the same. Flying is also something I can do without having to think about it, it just happens, almost like I already know I can do it before the dream starts.

I talked to my dad and he said that you can't dream of a place you have never seen. He may have been full of it because there are a lot of places I know I have not seen or that they even exist. Landscapes or architecture are not feasible in the shapes I see them in. Either they are too organic or too advanced to be built by anyone. I think that my brain can do sort of what it does when I see a someones face; compares it to all the other faces its ever seen and then determines who else it looks like, but instead scenery is put out. That is the only thing I can think of. Often times the scenery is the same and I have reoccurring dreams but with the ability to change my actions if I need to.

Recently I have been just sitting around when all of the sudden one of the dreams I had as a child or young adult shoots into my head and I remember everything. This is completely random and I cannot explain why it happens. If I let my mind go blank certain things can be recalled for some reason. Each times this happens, and it has done so around 30 times in the last couple months I recall a past dream. The ages I had the specific dream are also very random. Ever time this happens I suddenly feel nostalgic.

I will probably have to add more to this post in the future but for now this will have to do.

Questions or comments? Please let me know.

I Almost Cried Today 6/5/11

I had just gotten back from brunch with my sister (marvelous by the way at Highland Kitchen in Sommerville, really worth the drive) and I went upstairs to take a post feast nap. I wasn't asleep for very long when I came into a dream of my sister and I walking our old dog Chelsea, a spirited golden retriever through the streets of some unknown area. It kept changing from nearly urban to rural as well as a mix of the two; it was a very odd journey. Chelsea has been gone since 2006 when my dad put her down. She looked the same as she did the last time I saw her. She loved going on walks.

Towards the end of the dream I began to get a little teary as we were dropping her off at the place we were looking for. I think it was supposed to be a vet office but it was called Middlesex Community College, which is sort of near where I live. Anyway, I began to cry more as we sent her, unaccompanied, to the back room. No one was leading her and she just knew what to do on her own. I began to cry harder at this. Suddenly, I then woke up with a similar feeling of when I first became emotional within the dream. I felt that I could have cried but did not do so. The feeling disappeared within about a minute and I was back to normal.

I do not know what triggered this dream and it was the only one I have had of Chelsea in the last few years since we put her down. It did, however, bring back some of the feelings that we all had for her towards the end of her life. The whole thing brought back the feeling of letting go.

Time to Attend a Goldsmithing School

In one of my earlier posts I mentioned that I make jewelry on my own and had been for about two years until I had shoulder surgery. I have since picked it back up, with a new workshop and renewed vigor. I've had friends tell me that I should go to learn to become a professional in this field. Well, now I have decided to do something about it. I have narrowed it down to a couple places, one in particular, although I will not divulge which. For me working with precious metals is an obsession and it’s something I can't live without.

Confucius said it best; "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life". Amen to that. I love silver gold and platinum, always have. I don't know if it has something to do with their intrinsic value or properties of each one individually but the look and feel of them is something I cannot do without. Another great thing about them is that they don't talk back and you can manipulate them as you please. Messing up isn't a shame as you can melt them down again and create from scratch, although sometimes its hard to see all that work turn into a puddle at the bottom of your crucible. The coolest part is that it looks like the T1000 is moving around in there as you get ready to pour your metal.

The whole thing is a learning experience. Every time you mess up you figure out what you could have done differently, kind of like life only that key events can be redone as you see fit. My parents are for me pursuing this course of action even though I already have a degree in Business Management from Umass Lowell. That was necessary for me to learn to run a business and this will for what I will sell. I will most likely work for someone else before setting up shop for myself officially.

The above pictures are of me working and things I've made and are a few years old. As you can see this is more than wire work or stringing some beads together. What I do takes time. The twisted curb chain with ID plaque was made by watching a 2 hour video. It took me 4 hours to make the first time and only 3 the second time around. I poured my own wire and sheet and rolled and shaped them accordingly on my own. I enjoy the fact that I learn quickly and am always out to improve on previous efforts. Asperger's can greatly help with this as I don't mind focusing on one and only one thing intensely. I have logged more than my share of 6 hour sessions without a break. I get a lot of pride by making something out of nothing.

I know I can do this professionally and all I need is the confidence that comes from the right training.

Questions or comments? Let me know.

Bikram Yoga and the 14th board(s)

For about two years I have been doing Bikram Yoga. I originally felt the need to do so because I was getting tight from weight lifting (and a little loose in the midsection from eating). I have stayed on because it works, in every since of the word. It is a total body workout and helps heal at the same time. The carpal tunnel symptoms in my wrist have gone away and my surgically repaired right shoulder feels so good I may return to baseball at some point. Just like anything else worthwhile, it is not easy. The room itself is 105F and some of the postures would make Gumby scream. By the end of it all you are simply a deluge of sweat. As with all things, though, I have noticed a few things while moving through the practice.

As I had one when I played baseball, I tend to go through the same routine before each session. I get to the studio at least a half hour early and run up the stairs like the young mountain goat that I am. I greet the teacher at the desk and take my shoes off before signing in. If the room is empty enough, there may have been a class before, I put my mat and towel down in the same exact spot as I have had the majority of my one hundred fifty classes. I then either stretch a little bit, depending on the time, or exit the room to see who else is arriving. I typically do a leg stretch near the windows to see my yoga friends as they park their cars. I greet a few of them as they walk in the door, unless I'm in the room getting myself ready. I usually wet my hair once and then again five minutes before class starts; just to give myself a head start. If I feel loose enough from stretching, and I usually try to hit every muscle I can (a habit from my playing days) I wander out and chat with either Leslie or Maribel or whomever is sitting on the benches. With a few minutes left until class I check to see if I must evacuate any more liquid from my body before entering the room for good. I sit on my knees with my head down and do a sideways figure eight or whatever until the teacher walks in and announces that class has begun. I jump from me knees to my feet (not really that difficult once you get the hang of it) and then it's on like donkey kong.

Oddly enough I position myself in the front of the class, on the left middle side right in front of the studio length mirror. I don't get nervous at all being here and most of the people who have been coming a while practice in the front. You think as someone with AS you wouldn't want everyone in the room to have the option of staring at you. People are so busy doing their own practice that it doesn't matter. That and each time I look in the mirror I get to stop and think how cute I look.

I am still able to effectively think about other things during the little savasana 's or breaks. Try as I might, and without the aid of typical social factors, my mind is never able to go completely blank. I usually don't have time think too long because I'm just trying to relax as much as possible after the last posture. It's not long, only 20 seconds or so. I do save most of the thinking for the postures, which is essential. There is a 2 minute break where we all lie down on our mats with our eyes open. I position myself under the same little heat vent, that protrudes from the duct work, each class. This is partly because it is in good alignment with the mirror in front of me and the other being the board ceiling scheme. In the little area I have chosen the ceiling has fourteen boards ( it has more in that section but fourteen of which are encompassed in a little bordered off area of their own) and the two on the ends, each #14 if you were to count from either direction, are a little different than the rest. If realized that they represent me very well. Once again, let me explain.

The first board is small and sort of half hidden by the wall border, but it is clear that you could see more of it if it wasn't. What could be back there, a larger more interesting piece that would be worthwhile to get to know? It’s like the ice berg that you see but don't know how of it lies hidden beneath a frigid emotionless ocean. The second board is much wider, cracked and in plain sight.

This board only feels ugly but denies itself of the character it has and tries to hide it from everyone else, although it does so in plain sight. The color is a little darker than all the others so it is easy to point out and laugh at. Then again this board doesn't care what you think of it (boards don't have feelings anyways) and even if it did it would simply shake it off.

The first board is me now, still a sheltered person who is half hiding from who he wants to be. People are always trying to allow me expose my other half but I still don't think I am ready. There is a lot of potential there if the right woman were to take a look. The second board is me before I lost 20 pounds (again). I was unhappy with the way I looked but didn't have enough drive to do much about it. I just went on for years living in disgust of myself in plain sight. That person has nearly disappeared, but I am still not ready to fully become the other board just yet.

Questions or comments? Let me know.

What Time Travel Feels Like

Throughout the process of writing my book I have had to think back to the way I felt things were when I was growing up. Sometimes this can take a bit to get back to the mindset I had when I was a child. All the things I thought, they way I thought them, how I viewed the world and what I perceived to be going on around me are keys concepts that I feel have to be explored at each time I write about. This process does not show like an outline when everything is written, that would be boring and repetitive. Instead it just flows from my fingers and weaves together a true story of feeling and emotion (or lack thereof).

Each time I go through this process I remember the little things I did that allow me to capture the big picture. I see the scenes unfold in my mind almost at if I am walking through them that very moment. I go through the list above to take my brain back to those much simpler times when the struggles of being a kid were all I had to worry about. In this way I can recall the past and how it made me feel. I first felt able to do this by looking at photographs and then developed it into the complex system it is today. It didn't happen overnight and I had to work at it just like any other skill but I'm sure half of it was God given. The ability to harness my old memories and analyze them is a big asset for me.

If you have been keeping up with the blog you will know that I tend to think for at least half an hour a day,many times longer, about my life and events past and present. This is where most of the thought occurs. By the time I am ready to write it all seems natural to me. I can just do it without having to think about it as its happening. I can think about something a month before I write it and only then is it recorded or could be found to exist.

Also with the regards to the book, I have not taken a single note or written anything down before or beyond what I have typed. I let my brain do the work and keep it to itself. I don't want anyone seeing my thoughts before they are ready, either of them. All that information may be hard to handle.

Questions or Comments? Let me know.